我的痛苦

I have told you, reader, that I had learnt to love Mr. Rochester: I could not unlove him now, merely because I found that he had ceased to notice me- because I might pass hours in his presence, and he would never once turn his eyes in my direction- because I saw all his attentions appropriated by a great lady, who scorned to touch me with the hem of her robes as she passed; who, if ever her dark and imperious eye fell on me by chance, would withdraw it instantly as from an object too mean to merit observation. I could not unlove him, because I felt sure he would soon marry this very lady- because I read daily in her a proud security in his intentions respecting her- because I witnessed hourly in him a style of courtship which, if careless and choosing rather to be sought than to seek, was yet, in its very carelessness, captivating, and in its very pride, irresistible.
我已經告訴過你，讀者朋友，我意識到自己愛上了羅切斯特先生，我現(xiàn)在不能不愛他，僅僅因為我發(fā)現(xiàn)他不再關注我了--因為我可能在他面前待上幾個小時， 而他的眼睛從不朝我的方向瞟上一眼--因為我發(fā)現(xiàn)他所有的注意力被一位貴婦人所吸引，她從我身邊走過時，連長袍的邊都不屑于碰我一下，當她陰險專橫的眼神碰巧落在我身上，她會立即避開，就像這件東西太廉價不值得她看上一眼。我不能不愛他，僅僅因為我確信不久他就會娶這位女士--因為每天我都能從她身上看出她高傲地認為她在他心目中的地位已經非常穩(wěn)固--因為我每時每刻都目睹著他對她的追求，盡管漫不經心，又表現(xiàn)出寧愿被人追求而不追求別人，卻由于隨意而顯得富有魅力，由于傲慢而愈發(fā)不可抗拒。

There was nothing to cool or banish love in these circumstances, though much to create despair. Much too, you will think, reader, to engender jealousy: if a woman, in my position, could presume to be jealous of a woman in Miss Ingram's. But I was not jealous: or very rarely;- the nature of the pain I suffered could not be explained by that word. Miss Ingram was a mark beneath jealousy: she was too inferior to excite the feeling. Pardon the seeming paradox; I mean what I say.
在此般情形下，任何事物都無法冷卻或者澆滅我的愛，盡管這很可能會帶來絕望。讀者朋友，你會認為，如果一個處于我這種位置的女人敢于妒忌像英格拉姆小姐這種地位的女人的話，這也很可能會引起妒忌。但是我并不妒忌，或者很少妒嫉，我所遭受的痛苦無法用這個字眼來解釋。英格拉姆小姐不值得嫉妒，她太卑劣了，激不起這種情感。請原諒這一表面上的悖論，我所說的就是我所想的。

She was very showy, but she was not genuine: she had a fine person, many brilliant attainments; but her mind was poor, her heart barren by nature: nothing bloomed spontaneously on that soil; no unforced natural fruit delighted by its freshness. She was not good; she was not original: she used to repeat sounding phrases from books: she never offered, nor had, an opinion of her own. She advocated a high tone of sentiment; but she did not know the sensations of sympathy and pity; tenderness and truth were not in her. Too often she betrayed this, by the undue vent she gave to a spiteful antipathy she had conceived against little Adele: pushing her away with some contumelious epithet if she happened to approach her; sometimes ordering her from the room, and always treating her with coldness and acrimony. Other eyes besides mine watched these manifestations of character- watched them closely, keenly, shrewdly. Yes; the future bridegroom, Mr. Rochester himself, exercised over his intended a ceaseless surveillance; and it was from this sagacity- this guardedness of his- this perfect, clear consciousness of his fair one's defects- this obvious absence of passion in his sentiments towards her, that my ever-torturing pain arose.
她太好賣弄，但并不真誠。她風度不凡，多才多藝，但是思想膚淺，心靈天生貧瘠，內心的土壤上沒有花兒會自動開放，沒有哪種不需外力而自然結出的果實會喜歡這種土壤。她不善良，缺乏獨創(chuàng)性，總是重復書本中夸大其詞的言語，她從不提出，或者從未擁有過自己的見解。她鼓吹高尚的情操，但不懂得同情和憐憫，溫柔和真摯也無法在她身上找到。她的弱點經常會暴露無遺，因為她對小阿黛兒心生厭惡，充滿敵意，并且無端發(fā)泄不滿情緒，要是小阿黛兒恰巧走近她，她會用惡毒的詞匯把她攆走，有時命令她離開房間，常常冷淡刻毒地對待她。除了我，還有別人也注視著這些個性的顯露--他們密切、急迫而敏銳地注視著。是的，就是這位未來的新郎，羅切斯特先生自己也不停地監(jiān)視著他的意中人。正是這種睿智--他的這份提防--這種對自己美人缺陷的清醒全面的認識--正是他的感情對她明顯缺乏熱情這一點，引起了我無休止的痛苦。

I saw he was going to marry her, for family, perhaps political reasons, because her rank and connections suited him; I felt he had not given her his love, and that her qualifications were ill adapted to win from him that treasure. This was the point- this was where the nerve was touched and teased- this was where the fever was sustained and fed: she could not charm him.
我看到他要娶她，是出于門第觀念，也許是政治上的原因，因為她的地位與社會關系和他相稱。我感到他并沒有把自己的愛給她，她也沒有資格從他那兒得到愛的珍寶。這就是問題所在--就是觸及我痛處，戲弄我神經的地方--就是我熱情持續(xù)并有增無減的原因：因為她不可能把他迷倒。