演講MP3+雙語文稿:一名陪審員對(duì)死刑的思考

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【演講者及介紹】Lindy Lou Isonhood

1994年，林迪·盧·伊索胡德(Lindy LouIsonhood)在一起謀殺案的審判中擔(dān)任陪審員2號(hào)，這段經(jīng)歷改變了她的一生

【演講主題】陪審員對(duì)死刑的思考

【中英文字幕】

翻譯者 Nancy Cai 校對(duì)者 Max Liu

00:13

It was a Thursday, June the 23rd, 1994.

那是1994 年，6 月 23 日，一個(gè)周四。

00:23

(Sighs)

（嘆息）

00:24

"Collect your belongings. You are freeto go. When escorted outside, go directly to your car. Do not talk toreporters."

“收拾好你的東西，你可以離開了。被護(hù)送出去之后，直接上車，不要和記者說話。”

00:36

My head is spinning, my heart is racing, Ican't get a breath. I just want out of there. When I get to my car, I throweverything on the back, and I just collapse into the driver's seat. "Ican't do this. I can't go home to my family that I haven't seen in a week andpretend to be happy." Not even their love and support could help me atthis particular time.

我的頭有點(diǎn)眩暈，我的心跳很快，我快要不能呼吸了，我只想離開那里。上車后，我把所有東西都扔到后座，直接癱倒在駕駛座上。“我不能這么做，我有一周沒見到我的家人了，我不能回家對(duì)他們強(qiáng)顏歡笑?！奔词故撬麄兊膼酆椭С?，此時(shí)此刻也不能幫我解脫。

01:19

We had just sentenced a man to death. Nowwhat? Just go home and wash dishes?

我們剛剛對(duì)一個(gè)人判了死刑，現(xiàn)在呢？回家繼續(xù)若無其事地生活嗎？

01:32

You see, in Mississippi, the death penaltyis like a part of our unspoken culture. The basic logic is, if you murdersomeone, then you're going to receive the death penalty. So when the juryselection process took place, they asked me, "Could you, if the evidencepresented justified the death penalty, could you deliver, rationally andwithout reservations, a penalty of death?" My answer was an astounding"yes," and I was selected as Juror Number 2.

要知道，在密西西比，死刑就像是我們的文化中不能談?wù)摰囊徊糠帧；具壿嬀褪?，如果你謀殺了別人，那你就要被處以死刑。于是，在選擇陪審團(tuán)的過程中，他們問我，“當(dāng)呈現(xiàn)的證據(jù)支持死刑時(shí)，你能夠理性地、沒有疑慮地支持死刑嗎？”我斬釘截鐵地回答，“是的”，于是我被選作 2 號(hào)陪審員。

02:26

The trial started. From the evidence beingpresented and from the pictures of the victim, my first response was, "Yes,this man is a monster, and he deserves the death penalty." For days, I satand looked at his hands, the ones that yielded the knife, and against his pastywhite skin, his eyes ... Well, he spent endless days in his cell, no sunlight,so his eyes were as black as his hair and his mustache. He was veryintimidating, and there was absolutely no doubt in his guilt.

審判開始了，從呈現(xiàn)的證據(jù)中，還有被害者的照片中，我的第一反應(yīng)就是，“是的，這個(gè)人是個(gè)怪物，他理應(yīng)被判處死刑?！痹诤芏嗵炖铮以?jīng)坐在那兒看著他的雙手，就是那雙持刀的手。在他蒼白的皮膚的映襯下，他的眼睛……他在牢房里呆了無數(shù)天，沒有陽光，所以他的眼睛就像他的頭發(fā)和胡子那么黑。他很嚇人，他的罪行也毋庸置疑。

03:21

But regardless of his guilt, as the dayspassed, I began to see this monster as a human being. Something inside of mewas changing that I just didn't understand. I was beginning to question myselfas to whether or not I wanted to give this man the death penalty.

但是無論他是否有罪，隨著日子一天天過去，我開始把他當(dāng)作一個(gè)人來看待，而不再是一個(gè)怪物。我內(nèi)心發(fā)生了一些我自己都不理解的變化。我開始問我自己，我到底想不想對(duì)這個(gè)人判處死刑。

03:47

Jury deliberations began, and the judgegave us jury instructions and it was to be used as a tool in how to reach averdict. Well, using this tool only led to one decision, and that was the deathpenalty. I felt backed into a corner. My head and my heart were in conflictwith each other, and the thought of the death penalty made me sick. However,following the judge's instructions, being a law-abiding person, I gave up. Igave up and voted along with the other 11 jurors. And there it was: our brokenjudicial system at work.

陪審團(tuán)審議開始了，法官給了我們陪審團(tuán)指南，它是一個(gè)工具，用來幫我們達(dá)成判決。于是，根據(jù)它，我們只做了一個(gè)判決，就是死刑。我感覺自己被困在了一個(gè)角落里，我的思想和內(nèi)心在打架，一想到死刑我就覺得反感。但是，我是個(gè)遵紀(jì)守法的人，我遵循了法官的指示，我放棄了自己的立場(chǎng)。我和其他的 11 個(gè)陪審員投了一樣的票，這就是，我們破碎的司法系統(tǒng)的真實(shí)場(chǎng)景。

04:50

So here I am in my car, and I'm wondering:How is my life ever going to be the same? My life was kids, work, church, ballgames -- just your average, normal, everyday life. Now everything felt trivial.I was going down this rabbit hole. The anger, the anxiety, the guilt, thedepression ... it just clung to me. I knew that my life had to resume, so Isought counseling. The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD and told me that thebest way to overcome the PTSD was to talk about the trauma. However, if Italked or tried to talk about the trauma outside her office, I was shut down.No one wanted to hear about it. He was just a murderer. Get over it. It wasthen that I decided to become a silent survivor.

于是我坐在車?yán)?，痛苦地想，我的生活還怎么能再像以前一樣？曾經(jīng)我的生活就是圍繞著孩子，工作，教堂，球賽——就是再普通不過的日常生活?，F(xiàn)在所有事都變得微不足道了。我掉進(jìn)了一個(gè)兔子洞，我感到憤怒，焦慮，愧疚，抑郁……它緊緊地抓著我。我知道我必須讓我的生活重新步入正軌，所以我尋求了心理咨詢。心理咨詢師將我診斷為 PTSD （創(chuàng)傷后應(yīng)激障礙），并告訴我，克服 PTSD 最好的辦法就是與人討論那次創(chuàng)傷。但是，出了她的辦公室，一旦我試圖談?wù)撃谴蝿?chuàng)傷，我就會(huì)被制止。沒人愿意聽，他就是個(gè)殺人犯，忘了這件事吧。于是從那時(shí)起，我決定做一個(gè)沉默的幸存者。

06:06

Twelve years later, 2006, I learned thatBobby Wilcher had dropped all of his appeals, and his execution date wasapproaching. That was like a punch in the stomach. All of those buried feelingsjust started coming back. To try and find peace, I called Bobby's attorney, andI said, "Can I see Bobby before he's executed?"

12 年后的 2006 年，我了解到 BobbyWilcher 放棄了所有的上訴，他的處決日期已經(jīng)臨近了。這就像是當(dāng)頭一棒，所有那些被壓抑下去的感覺一下子又回來了，為了尋求內(nèi)心的平和，我給 Bobby 的律師打了電話，說“在處決之前，我能見 Bobby 一面嗎？”

06:36

Driving to the penitentiary on the day ofhis execution, in my mind, Bobby was going to be manic. But, surprisingly, hewas very calm. And for two hours, he and I sat there and talked about life, andI got to ask him to forgive me for my hand in his death. His words to me were:"You don't have to apologize. You didn't put me here. I did this myself. Butif it'll make you feel better, I forgive you."

在他被處決的當(dāng)天，我在去往看守所的路上不禁想象，Bobby 一定像一個(gè)瘋子。但是，令我驚訝的是，他十分平靜。兩個(gè)小時(shí)里，他和我坐在那里談?wù)撋?，我得以尋求他的原諒，因?yàn)槲覍?duì)他的死負(fù)有責(zé)任。他對(duì)我說的是，“你不必抱歉，不是你讓我變成這樣的，是我自己。但是我原諒你，如果這能讓你感覺好一點(diǎn)?！?/p>

07:19

On my way home, I stopped by a restaurantand bought a margarita.

回家的路上，我在一個(gè)餐館停下來，買了一杯瑪格麗塔（雞尾酒），

07:24

(Laughter)

（笑）

07:29

I don't think I could get one big enough --

我覺得一杯還不夠——

07:31

(Laughter)

（笑）

07:32

to try and calm down. My phone rang. It wasBobby's attorney. Within two minutes of his execution, they had given him astay. This stay gave me time to reach out to Bobby. And as crazy as it maysound, we became friends. Three months later, he was executed by the State ofMississippi.

讓我平靜下來。我的電話響了，是 Bobby 的律師，在他處決前的兩分鐘里，他們給了他一個(gè)緩刑。這個(gè)緩刑讓我有時(shí)間聯(lián)系到了 Bobby。聽起來似乎很瘋狂，但我們成為了朋友。三個(gè)月后，他在密西西比州被處決。

08:07

I'm here to tell you my story, because itwas precisely 22 years later that I even wanted to open up enough to talk aboutit, when a friend encouraged me. "Hey, perhaps you need to talk to theother jurors. You've been through the same experience."

我來這里向你們講述我的故事是因?yàn)椋?22 年后，我才有足夠的勇氣去談?wù)撨@件事。一個(gè)朋友鼓勵(lì)我說，“也許你應(yīng)該和其他的陪審員聊聊，你們都經(jīng)歷了同一件事?！?/p>

08:33

Uncertain of what I was after, I did needto talk to them. So I set out on my quest, and I actually found most of them.The first juror I met thought that Bobby got what he deserved. Another juror --well, they just kind of regretted that it took so long to carry the sentenceout. Then one juror, and I don't know what was wrong with him, but he didn'tremember anything about the trial.

我不確定結(jié)果怎樣，但我確實(shí)需要和他們談?wù)?。于是我開始實(shí)行我的計(jì)劃，我確實(shí)找到了他們中的大部分人。我見到的第一個(gè)陪審員，覺得 Bobby 罪有應(yīng)得，另一位陪審員——他們覺得遺憾的是處決被拖得太久了。有一位陪審員，我不知道他出了什么毛病，他完全不記得那場(chǎng)審判了。

09:04

(Laughter)

（笑）

09:06

Well, I'm thinking in my mind, "Jeez,is this the response I'm gonna get from everybody else?"

于是我心里想，“老天，難道我從所有人那里聽到的都將是這樣的回答嗎？”

09:15

Well, thank God for Allen. Allen was agentle soul. And when I talked to him, he was genuinely upset about ourdecision. And he told me about the day that the devastation really set in onhim and hit him. He was listening to the radio, and the radio had a list ofnames of men to be executed at Parchman Penitentiary. He heard Bobby's name,and he then truly realized what he had done. And he said, "You know, I hada responsibility in that man's death." Now here it is, 20-something yearslater, and Allen is still dealing with that issue. And he's never told anyoneabout it, not even his wife. He also told me that if the State of Mississippiwanted to keep the death penalty, then hey, they needed to provide counselingfor the jurors.

感謝上帝，我找到了 Allen，Allen 是一個(gè)感性的人。他告訴我，他對(duì)我們的決定感到難過，他說，那天對(duì)他來說是一個(gè)沉重的打擊。他聽廣播時(shí)，聽到了在 Parchman 看守所即將被處決的犯人名單。他聽到了 Bobby 的名字，然后他才真正意識(shí)到他做了什么，他對(duì)我說，“我對(duì)那個(gè)人的死負(fù)有責(zé)任。”現(xiàn)在，20 多年后，Allen 仍然被這件事困擾，他從來沒和任何人談?wù)撨^，哪怕是他的妻子。他還告訴我，如果密西西比州要繼續(xù)保留死刑，他們得為陪審員提供心理咨詢。

10:24

Then the next juror I met was Jane. Jane isnow totally against the death penalty, And there was Bill. Bill said he hadthis crushing depression for weeks, and when he went back to work, hiscolleagues would say things to him like, "Hey, did you fry him?" Tothem, it was just a joke. Then there was Jon. Jon said his decision weighed onhim, and it burdened him daily.

我接下來見到的陪審員是 Jane，Jane 現(xiàn)在堅(jiān)決反對(duì)死刑。還有 Bill, Bill 說他連續(xù)抑郁了好幾周，當(dāng)他回去工作時(shí)，他的同事會(huì)對(duì)他說，“你有沒有把他煎了？”對(duì)他們來說，這只是一個(gè)玩笑。還有 Jon, Jon 說，那個(gè)決定對(duì)他的影響很大，每天都讓他有負(fù)擔(dān)。

10:58

The final juror that I spoke to was Ken.Ken was the foreman of the jury. When we sat down to talk, it was apparent thathe was deeply saddened by what we were required to do. He relived the day thathe left the courthouse and he drove home and he went to put his key in his doorand unlock it, and he said he literally broke down. He said he knew that Bobbywas guilty, but the decision he made, he did not know if it was the rightdecision. And he said that he played it over and over in his head. Did we dothe right thing? Did we do the right thing? Did we do the right thing?

我找到的最后一位陪審員是 Ken，Ken 是陪審團(tuán)的領(lǐng)隊(duì)。當(dāng)我們坐下來討論時(shí)，很明顯他對(duì)于我們不得不做的決定感到十分難過，他又重新講述了一遍那天的情景，他離開法庭，開車回到家，把鑰插進(jìn)門孔，打開門，他說，他真的崩潰了。他說他知道 Bobby 是有罪的，但是他做出的那個(gè)決定，他不知道是不是正確的。他說他在腦子里一遍遍地回想，我們做的是正確的嗎？我們做的是正確的嗎？我們做的是正確的嗎？

11:55

(Sighs)

（嘆息）

11:58

All those years, and I finally realizedthat I was not the only disillusioned juror. And we talked about sharing ourexperience with potential jurors to give them some insight into what to expect,and to tell them do not be complacent; to know what you believe; to know whereyou stand and be prepared, because you don't want to walk in one morning as ajuror and leave at the end of the trial feeling like a murderer.

這么多年，我終于意識(shí)到，我不是唯一一個(gè)心灰意冷的陪審員。我們覺得應(yīng)該和別的陪審員 分享我們的經(jīng)歷，以便讓他們有一個(gè)預(yù)期，告訴他們不要自以為是，要知道你自己相信什么，知道你的立場(chǎng)，并做好準(zhǔn)備。因?yàn)槟悴幌朐缟献鳛橐粋€(gè)陪審員來到法庭，到了審判結(jié)束時(shí)，感覺像是一個(gè)殺人犯。

12:42

Now, through this storm in my life, I didfind some inspiration, and it came in the form of my granddaughters. My14-year-old granddaughter, Maddie, was writing an essay on the death penaltyfor school, and she was asking me questions. Well, it dawned on me that thischild was being raised in the same eye-for-an-eye culture as I was, or hadbeen. And so I explained my experience to her this way: that I had sentencedsomeone to death as I served on a jury. And I asked her, "Did that make mea murderer?" She couldn't answer.

經(jīng)歷了生命中的這場(chǎng)風(fēng)波，我也收獲了一些感悟，是從我外孫女身上得出的。我的外孫女，Maddie，今年 14 歲，她要寫一篇學(xué)校的作文，是關(guān)于死刑的，她問了我一些問題，我意識(shí)到，和我一樣，她也是在這種“以牙還牙”的觀念中長(zhǎng)大的，曾經(jīng) 我也是。于是我這樣向她解釋，作為一個(gè)陪審員，我給一個(gè)人判了死刑。然后我問她，“這樣我是不是就變成了一個(gè)殺人犯？”她不知道怎么回答，

13:31

I knew then that this topic needed to beopen for discussion. And guess what happened? I got invited to speak, justrecently, in an abolitionist community. While I was there, I got a T-shirt. Itsays, "Stop Executions." Well, when I get home, my 16-year-oldgranddaughter was there, Anna, and she says, "Can I have that shirt?"Well, I looked at her dad -- her dad is my son -- and I knew that he is stilldealing with this death penalty issue. So I turned around and I looked at her,and I said, "Are you gonna wear this?" So she turned and she lookedat her dad, and she said, "Dad, I know how you feel, but I don't believein the death penalty." My son looked at me, shook his head, and said,"Thanks, Mom." And I knew it wasn't a nice "Thanks, Mom."

我意識(shí)到，這個(gè)話題需要被公開地探討。猜猜然后發(fā)生了什么？最近我被邀請(qǐng)去給一個(gè)支持廢除死刑的群體做演講。在那兒，我收到了一件T恤，上面寫著，“停止死刑”。我到家時(shí)，我 16 歲的孫女 Anna 看到了，她說，“能把這件衣服給我嗎？”我看了看她爸爸，她爸爸就是我兒子，我知道他對(duì)于死刑的問題還有不同的看法，于是我轉(zhuǎn)過身去，看著她說，“你會(huì)穿嗎？”她轉(zhuǎn)過身去，看著她爸爸說，“爸爸，我知道你的感受，但是我不支持死刑?！蔽覂鹤涌粗?，搖搖頭，說，“謝了，媽。”我知道這不是真正感激的謝謝。

14:37

(Laughter)

（笑）

14:39

So I learned that life had taught me somelessons. It taught me, if I had not served on that jury, that I would still beof the same mindset. It also gave me confidence to be able to see through theeyes of my granddaughters, that this younger generation, they're capable andthey're willing to tackle these difficult social issues. And because of myexperience, my granddaughters, they're now more equipped to stand on their ownand to think for themselves than to rely on cultural beliefs.

所以，生活給了我一些啟示，它教給我，如果我沒有做陪審員，我的心態(tài)仍舊會(huì)是一樣的。它也給了我信心，讓我能通過我的孫輩的視角看到他們這年輕的一代有能力也有意愿，來解決這些棘手的社會(huì)問題。由于我的經(jīng)歷，我的孫女外孫女們，現(xiàn)在可以堅(jiān)持她們自己的立場(chǎng)，獨(dú)立思考，而不是依賴文化信仰。

15:32

So: being from a conservative, Christianfamily from a very conservative state in the United States, I am here to tellyou that the death penalty has new opponents.

所以，盡管我來自一個(gè)保守的基督教家庭，來自美國(guó)一個(gè)非常保守的州，我想告訴你們，死刑有新的對(duì)手了。

15:51

Thank you.

謝謝。

15:52

(Applause)

（鼓掌）