雙語·面紗 第八十章

80

They dined. Mr. Garstin gave Kitty the details of his wife's illness and death, and he told her of the kindness of the friends who had written (there were piles of sympathetic letters on his table and he sighed when he considered the burden of answering them) and of the arrangements he had made for the funeral. Then they went back into his study. This was the only room in the house which had a fire. He mechanically took from the chimney-piece his pipe and began to fill it, but he gave his daughter a doubtful look and put it down.

“Aren't you going to smoke?” she asked.

“Your mother didn't very much like the smell of a pipe after dinner and since the war I've given up cigars.”

His answer gave Kitty a little pang. It seemed dreadful that a man of sixty should hesitate to smoke what he wanted in his own study.

“I like the smell of a pipe,” she smiled.

A faint look of relief crossed his face and taking his pipe once more he lit it. They sat opposite one another on each side of the fire. He felt that he must talk to Kitty of her own troubles.

“You received the letter your mother wrote to you to Port Said, I suppose. The news of poor Walter's death was a great shock to both of us. I thought him a very nice fellow.”

Kitty did not know what to say.

“Your mother told me that you were going to have a baby.”

“Yes.”

“When do you expect it?”

“In about four months.”

“It will be a great consolation to you. You must go and see Doris's boy. He's a fine little fellow.”

They were talking more distantly than if they were strangers who had just met, for if they had been he would have been interested in her just because of that, and curious, but their common past was a wall of indifference between them. Kitty knew too well that she had done nothing to beget her father's affection, he had never counted in the house and had been taken for granted, the bread-winner who was a little despised because he could provide no more luxuriously for his family; but she had taken for granted that he loved her just because he was her father, and it was a shock to discover that his heart was empty of feeling for her. She had known that they were all bored by him, but it had never occurred to her that he was equally bored by them. He was as ever kind and subdued, but the sad perspicacity which she had learnt in suffering suggested to her that, though he had probably never acknowledged it to himself and never would, in his heart he disliked her.

His pipe was not drawing and he rose to find something to poke it with. Perhaps it was an excuse to hide his nervousness.

“Your mother wished you to stay here till your baby was born and she was going to have your old room got ready for you.”

“I know. I promise you I won't be a bother.”

“Oh, it's not that. Under the circumstances it was evident that the only place for you to come to was your father's house. But the fact is that I've just been offered the post of Chief Justice of the Bahamas and I have accepted it.”

“Oh, father, I'm so glad. I congratulate you with all my heart.”

“The offer arrived too late for me to tell your poor mother. It would have given her a great satisfaction.”

The bitter irony of fate! After all her efforts, intrigues, and humiliations, Mrs. Garstin had died without knowing that her ambition, however modified by past disappointments, was at last achieved.

“I am sailing early next month. Of course this house will be put in the agent's hands and my intention was to sell the furniture. I'm sorry that I shan't be able to have you to stay here, but if you'd like any of the furniture to furnish a flat I shall be extremely pleased to give it to you.”

Kitty looked into the fire. Her heart beat quickly; it was curious that on a sudden she should be so nervous. But at last she forced herself to speak. In her voice was a little tremor.

“Couldn't I come with you, father?”

“You? Oh, my dear Kitty.” His face fell. She had often heard the expression, but thought it only a phrase, and now for the first time in her life she saw the movement that it described. It was so marked that it startled her. “But all your friends are here and Doris is here. I should have thought you'd be much happier if you took a flat in London. I don't exactly know what your circumstances are, but I shall be very glad to pay the rent of it.”

“I have enough money to live on.”

“I'm going to a strange place. I know nothing of the conditions.”

“I'm used to strange places. London means nothing to me any more. I couldn't breathe here.”

He closed his eyes for a moment and she thought he was going to cry. His face bore an expression of utter misery. It wrung her heart. She had been right; the death of his wife had filled him with relief and now this chance to break entirely with the past had offered him freedom. He had seen a new life spread before him and at last after all these years rest and the mirage of happiness. She saw dimly all the suffering that had preyed on his heart for thirty years. At last he opened his eyes. He could not prevent the sigh that escaped him.

“Of course if you wish to come I shall be very pleased.”

It was pitiful. The struggle had been short and he had surrendered to his sense of duty. With those few words he abandoned all his hopes. She rose from her chair and going over to him knelt down and seized his hands.

“No, father, I won't come unless you want me. You've sacrificed yourself enough. If you want to go alone, go. Don't think of me for a minute.”

He released one of her hands and stroked her pretty hair.

“Of course I want you, my dear. After all I'm your father and you're a widow and alone. If you want to be with me it would be very unkind of me not to want you.”

“But that's just it, I make no claims on you because I'm your daughter, you owe me nothing.”

“Oh, my dear child.”

“Nothing,” she repeated vehemently. “My heart sinks when I think how we've battened on you all our lives and have given you nothing in return. Not even a little affection. I'm afraid you've not had a very happy life. Won't you let me try to make up a little for all I've failed to do in the past?”

He frowned a little. Her emotion embarrassed him.

“I don't know what you mean. I've never had any complaint to make of you.”

“Oh, father, I've been through so much, I've been so unhappy. I'm not the Kitty I was when I went away. I'm terribly weak, but I don't think I'm the filthy cad I was then. Won't you give me a chance? I have nobody but you in the world now. Won't you let me try to make you love me? Oh, father, I'm so lonely and so miserable; I want your love so badly.”

She buried her face in his lap and cried as though her heart were breaking.

“Oh, my Kitty, my little Kitty,” he murmured.

She looked up and put her arms round his neck.

“Oh, father, be kind to me. Let us be kind to one another.”

He kissed her, on the lips, as a lover might, and his cheeks were wet with her tears.

“Of course you shall come with me.”

“Do you want me to? Do you really want me to?”

“Yes.”

“I'm so grateful to you.”

“Oh, my dear, don't say things like that to me. It makes me feel quite awkward.”

He took out his handkerchief and dried her eyes. He smiled in a way that she had never seen him smile before. Once more she threw her arms round his neck.

“We'll have such a lark, father dear. You don't know what fun we're going to have together.”

“You haven't forgotten that you're going to have a baby.”

“I'm glad she'll be born out there within sound of the sea and under a wide blue sky.”

“Have you already made up your mind about the sex?” he murmured, with his thin, dry smile.

“I want a girl because I want to bring her up so that she shan't make the mistakes I've made. When I look back upon the girl I was I hate myself. But I never had a chance. I'm going to bring up my daughter so that she's free and can stand on her own feet. I'm not going to bring a child into the world, and love her, and bring her up, just so that some man may want to sleep with her so much that he's willing to provide her with board and lodging for the rest of her life.”

She felt her father stiffen. He had never spoken of such things and it shocked him to hear these words in his daughter's mouth.

“Let me be frank just this once, father. I've been foolish and wicked and hateful. I've been terribly punished. I'm determined to save my daughter from all that. I want her to be fearless and frank. I want her to be a person, independent of others because she is possessed of herself, and I want her to take life like a free man and make a better job of it than I have.”

“Why, my love, you talk as though you were fifty. You've got all your life before you. You mustn't be down-hearted.”

Kitty shook her head and slowly smiled.

“I'm not. I have hope and courage.”

The past was finished; let the dead bury their dead. Was that dreadfully callous? She hoped with all her heart that she had learnt compassion and charity. She could not know what the future had in store for her, but she felt in herself the strength to accept whatever was to come with a light and buoyant spirit. Then, on a sudden, for no reason that she knew of, from the depths of her unconscious arose a reminiscence of the journey they had taken, she and poor Walter, to the plague-ridden city where he had met his death: one morning they set out in their chairs while it was still dark, and as the day broke she divined rather than saw a scene of such breath-taking loveliness that for a brief period the anguish of her heart was assuaged. It reduced to insignificance all human tribulation. The sun rose, dispelling the mist, and she saw winding onwards as far as the eye could reach, among the rice-fields, across a little river and through undulating country the path they were to follow: perhaps her faults and follies, the unhappiness she had suffered, were not entirely vain if she could follow the path that now she dimly discerned before her, not the path that kind funny old Waddington had spoken of that led nowhither, but the path those dear nuns at the convent followed so humbly, the path that led to peace.

第八十章

他們吃晚飯了，賈斯汀先生詳細地跟凱蒂講了她母親生病和去世的經(jīng)過，并告訴她親友們寫來表示哀悼的信件（在他的桌子上有好幾摞這樣的信件，當他想到還要費事一一回復時，嘆了口氣），還有他為葬禮所做的安排。飯后，他們又回到了書房，這是這棟房子里唯一有火爐的房間。他機械地從壁爐架上拿起煙斗，開始往里面填煙絲，但他用探詢的目光看了女兒一眼后又把煙斗放下了。

“您不抽煙了？”她問道。

“你母親在晚飯后不太喜歡煙味，戰(zhàn)后我就戒了?！?/p>

他的回答讓凱蒂心頭一痛。一位六十歲的老人想在自己的書房里吸煙還得躊躇再三，這好像挺可悲的。

“我喜歡煙草味?！彼χf道。

一絲放松的表情掠過了他的面龐，他馬上又拿起了煙斗，點上了煙。在火爐旁，他們彼此面對面坐著，他覺得必須和凱蒂談?wù)勊齻€人的事情了。

“我想你在賽德港一定收到了你母親的信件，可憐的沃爾特的死訊讓我們兩個人覺得非常震驚，我覺得他是一個好人?！?/p>

凱蒂不知說什么好。

“你母親也告訴我你已經(jīng)懷孕了?！?/p>

“是的。”

“預產(chǎn)期是什么時候？”

“大約四個月后吧。”

“對你來說，有了孩子可能是一個很大的安慰，你必須去看看多瑞絲的兒子，他真是一個可愛的小家伙?！?/p>

他們漫無目的地談著，好像是初次相遇的陌生人，彼此很客氣，似乎他只對她的這些事感興趣和好奇，他們父女共同的過去，是一堵隔閡的墻橫在他們之間。凱蒂心里很明白，過去她沒做過一件讓父親對她寵愛有加的事情，他在這所房子里從來沒什么地位，他的辛苦被看作是理所當然的，這個養(yǎng)家糊口的人反而有點兒遭到鄙視，因為他無法為家人提供更為奢侈的生活。而且她也認為，因為他是她的父親，所以他愛她是天經(jīng)地義的事情，當發(fā)現(xiàn)他對她沒有什么感情時，她感覺大吃一驚。她知道全家人對他有點兒煩，但從未意識到他也同樣對她們感到厭煩。他是那么的善良和逆來順受，但是她在痛苦中練就的可悲的敏銳讓她意識到，雖然他自己可能以前不會，今后也絕不會承認他不喜歡她。

他的煙斗似乎堵住了，他站起身來想找東西捅一捅它。也許這是掩蓋他緊張的一個借口。

“你母親希望你留在這兒直到你的孩子出世，她已經(jīng)把你過去住的房間準備好了?！?/p>

“我知道，我保證不會給您添麻煩的?！?/p>

“哦，不要那樣說。在這種情況下，很顯然除了你父母家，你也沒地方可去。但實際上，我剛剛得到了一個巴哈馬首席法官的職位，我已經(jīng)答應就任了。”

“噢，父親，我太高興了，我衷心地祝賀您?！?/p>

“他們提供這個職位的消息來得太晚了，我還來不及告訴你可憐的母親。它本來會使她非常滿意的?！?/p>

真是命運弄人！賈斯汀夫人一輩子費盡心機、苦心經(jīng)營——雖然屢遭失望之后目標也有所降低——卻在最后得償所愿之前撒手人寰。

“我下個月初出發(fā)，當然，這棟房子將交到房產(chǎn)代理人的手上，我打算賣掉家具。我很抱歉，不能讓你待在這兒，但是如果你喜歡任何家具，放在一個租來的房間里，你盡可搬走，而且我特別高興能為你付租金?！?/p>

凱蒂怔怔地看著火焰，她的心跳得很厲害。突然，一個念頭在她心中一閃，她自己都嚇了一跳。但是，最后她還是硬著頭皮說了出來，她的聲音中帶著一絲顫抖。

“我不能跟你一起去嗎，父親？”

“你？呃，我親愛的凱蒂?！彼哪樕料聛砹?。她過去經(jīng)常聽到這個稱呼，但當時想它不過是個短語，如今她生命中第一次明白了這個親昵的字眼還能和這樣的行動聯(lián)系在一起，這讓她嚇了一跳?！暗悄闼械呐笥讯荚谶@兒，多瑞絲也在這兒，我想你要是在倫敦租一個公寓房住會幸福得多，我不十分清楚你的經(jīng)濟狀況，但是我很高興能替你付房租?！?/p>

“我有足夠的錢生活?！?/p>

“我將去一個陌生的地方，我對那里的狀況一無所知。”

“我已經(jīng)習慣了去陌生的地方，倫敦對于我來說沒有任何意義，我在這兒都無法呼吸?！?/p>

他閉了一會兒眼睛，她覺得他都快哭了。他的臉上掛著一副特別悲慘的表情。這讓她心如刀絞，她的判斷是對的，她母親的去世讓他充滿了解放的感覺，現(xiàn)在他有了這種和過去完全決裂，重獲自由的機會。至少經(jīng)過了這么些年的無所事事，以及始終處于幸福的海市蜃樓之中，他已經(jīng)看到新生活在面前展開。她依稀看到了他三十年來一直壓在心頭的痛苦。最后，他睜開了眼睛，情不自禁地一聲長嘆。

“當然了，如果你希望去，我會很高興的?！?/p>

真可憐，經(jīng)過了短暫的掙扎之后，他還是向責任感交了械。這些話表明他放棄了所有的希望。她從椅子上站起來，來到他的膝前跪了下去，并抓住了他的雙手。

“不，父親，除非你需要我，否則的話我不跟您去了。您已經(jīng)犧牲得夠多的了。如果您想一個人去，去吧，不要為我考慮一分鐘?！?/p>

他抽出了一只手，撫摸著她漂亮的頭發(fā)。

“我當然需要你，我親愛的，無論如何我是你的父親，你現(xiàn)在失去了丈夫，一個人孤零零的，如果你想跟我一起去，我不允許的話，那就太不近人情了?！?/p>

“但是這就是問題的關(guān)鍵，我不能因為是您的女兒就強求您答應，您不欠我什么。”

“噢，我親愛的孩子。”

“什么都不欠。”她情緒激動地重復著，“當我想到我們一輩子都是靠壓榨您來養(yǎng)肥自己，而沒有給您任何回報，甚至沒有絲毫的感恩之情，我的心就好像沉到了冰窟窿里?？峙履郧暗纳罘浅２恍?，您難道不讓我為過去沒有做的事做些補償嗎？”

他皺了一下眉，她的感情讓他覺得有點兒窘迫。

“我不明白你的意思，我從來沒抱怨過你們什么呀。”

“哦，父親，我已經(jīng)經(jīng)歷過那么多事，是那么的不幸，我已經(jīng)不是離開這兒時的那個凱蒂了，我確實很虛弱，但我已經(jīng)不是那時的那個卑鄙無恥之人了。您不想給我一次機會嗎？我現(xiàn)在在這個世界上沒有別的親人了，只有您了。難道您不想給我機會讓您愛我嗎？噢，父親，我是那么的孤單和悲慘，我多么需要您的愛呀?！?/p>

她把臉埋到他的膝蓋上，哭泣著，好像心都碎了。

“哦，我的凱蒂，我的小凱蒂?！彼卣f道。

她抬起頭來，雙手摟著他的脖子。

“哦，父親，對我好點兒吧，讓我們對彼此都好點兒吧?！?/p>

他親吻了她，在嘴唇上，就像戀人那樣，他的臉頰被她的淚水打濕了。

“當然你會跟我一起走?！?/p>

“你想讓我去？你真的想讓我去嗎？”

“沒錯?！?/p>

“我太感激您了?！?/p>

“哦，我親愛的，不要對我說那些話了，那讓我覺得很尷尬?！?/p>

他掏出手絹擦干了她的淚水，他用一種她以前從未見過的方式微笑著，她又一次用胳膊摟住了他的脖子。

“我們將有一只快樂的云雀，親愛的父親，你不知道我們在一起會有多么的歡樂?！?/p>

“你還沒忘記你會有一個寶貝?！?/p>

“我很高興她會出生在一個四面環(huán)海、頭頂藍天的地方。”

“你已經(jīng)確定了孩子的性別？”他嘟囔道，帶著一絲淡淡的笑意。

“我想要個女孩，因為我想親手把她撫養(yǎng)長大，讓她不要再犯我曾經(jīng)犯過的錯誤，當我回首小的時候，我恨自己，但又沒有機會重新來過。我會撫養(yǎng)我的女兒，讓她自由自在，能夠自食其力。我把一個孩子帶到這個世界上來，愛她，把她養(yǎng)大，不是為了讓她將來和哪個男人睡覺，從此一輩子依附于他。”

她覺得父親僵住了，他從來沒有說過這樣的話，這些話從他女兒的嘴里說出來也讓他非常震驚。

“讓我這次開門見山地說吧，父親。我一直都很笨，很壞，很可恨。我也受到了可怕的懲罰。我決定不讓我的女兒重蹈覆轍，我想培養(yǎng)她無所畏懼和誠實坦率的品質(zhì)，我想把她培養(yǎng)成一個不依附于他人，擁有獨立人格的人，我想讓她自由自在地生活，比我活得成功精彩。”

“怎么啦，我親愛的，你說起話來像個五十歲的老女人。你還有美好的生活在等著你，不能灰心喪氣呀?！?/p>

凱蒂搖了搖頭，緩緩地笑了起來。

“我沒有灰心，我充滿了希望和勇氣。”

過去的已經(jīng)過去，讓死去的人永遠死去吧，這聽上去很無情嗎？她衷心地希望自己已經(jīng)學會了悲天憫人。她不知道什么樣的未來在等待著她，但是她自信有力量，用輕松愉快的心情來接受無論什么樣的挑戰(zhàn)。突然之間，她不知道什么原因，從無意識的深處萌發(fā)了對過去他們所走過旅程的回憶，她和可憐的沃爾特一起去瘟疫肆虐的城市，在那里他走到了生命的盡頭：一個清晨，天依然很黑，他們坐上轎椅出發(fā)了。就在剛破曉的時候，她預測到了而不是看到了一個讓人美到窒息的景象，在一小段時期內(nèi)，她心中的痛苦得到了撫慰，這景象把人類所有的苦難都減少到了微不足道的程度。太陽升起來了，驅(qū)散了霧氣，她看到了蜿蜒的小路一直通向目光所能及的遠方，小路就在稻田之間，穿過小河，越過山巒起伏的鄉(xiāng)間。他們沿著這條小路走著，也許她做過的所有錯事蠢事，她所遭受的種種不幸，并不是完全毫無意義的，只要她沿著這條小路前行。這條她現(xiàn)在能夠模糊看清的面前的小路，已經(jīng)不是善良、滑稽的威廷頓說過的通向烏有鄉(xiāng)的路，而是那些修道院里可親的修女無怨無悔地行于其上的路，一條通向安寧的路。