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雙語·老屋子 第二十章

所屬教程:譯林版·老屋子

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2022年06月15日

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Chapter 20

Fru Adelheid sat, book in hand, without reading.

It was late. Finn had been with her and had said good-night and Cordt was not at home. It was silent in the house and silent outside.

She had a feeling as though she were alone in the world.

Fru Adelheid was not happy.

The peace which the good grey years had brought had departed from the house. She could not see her way anywhere: not with Finn, not when she was alone, least of all when Cordt was in the room.

She did not feel safe even at church. It would happen to her that she left church heavier in mind than when she entered. It also happened that she simply dared not go in, but turned back, when the organ pealed to her in the porch.

She sat and stared, with her white hands folded in her lap. She wanted to try if she could think the thing out to the end. But she had tried before, with ever-decreasing success.

First, there was the going back to the old room.

This was the beginning and she could not but think that it was the whole matter, for, in truth, she had never got over it. She could not defend herself against the memories that came crowding one upon the other. Her blood grew hot, her eyes moist, without her knowing why.

She suffered from a constant terror which she could neitherexplain nor shake off. Now it was Finn, whose pale face frightened her. Now it was Cordt, who was silent and ever more silent and brooded over his thoughts.

Then she was overcome as by a despairing remorse and she could not see how she had offended. Then she went in a secret dread of revenge and she knew of no one who meant her any harm.

There were days on which every step she took gave a dull and threatening echo of the old days. She felt as though she were living in a house whose walls were full of secret recesses with old documents which would upset everything that existed, if they came to light…she felt as though she were walking over mysterious vaults that concealed the traces of mysterious crimes.

Wearily, Fru Adelheid leant her head upon her hand and let her hand fall again. She half rose in her chair and hid her face in the roses that stood on the table before her. She took up the book and put it down at once.

Then Cordt came.

He nodded to her, went to the farther side of the room and sat down with a book.

She looked at him timidly. She heard him turn the pages and wondered what book it was. She asked him. He answered, without looking up, and the silence increased twofold.

Fru Adelheid sighed and rose to go to bed:

“Good-night, Cordt.”

He closed the book and tossed it on the table. She stopped and looked at him. Then he asked:

“Has Hans been here to-day?”

She sat down in her chair again. He had got up and was pacingthe room. She waited and listened to his footsteps.

Then she could bear it no longer:

“Cordt!”

He stopped and looked at her.

“Cordt…Finn will die, if Hans is always with him.”

“Yes,”he said, softly and sorrowfully.“Finn will die and you will die and I shall die. But Hans will live.”

“What are you trying to do with him, Cordt?”

“Have you forgotten what I want?”

He looked at her and his eyes hurt her.

“I wonder if your wish is also mine, Cordt,”she asked.

“No.”

He said that calmly, without anger, but also without hesitation.

Then she leapt up:

“Your wish was never mine…never! You have been able to persuade me and frighten me and force me.…I never meant it, Cordt, never…even when I agreed.”

“Let the dead days be, Adelheid.”

“And now…Cordt.…Now I am farther away from you…now you understand me less than ever…there is something in me now that is a thousand times stronger than what parted us then.”

Cordt looked at her with a tempest in his strong eyes:

“So there is in me, Adelheid.”

He stood before her, drawn up to his full height. She thought he seemed taller than usual and his face looked strangely young.

“There is Finn,”he said.

Fru Adelheid sat in her chair, because she could not stand.

“You speak as if he were your son and not mine,”she said.

She did not take her eyes from his face. She could not get rid of the thought that he looked so young. His hair had not a sign of grey, his walk was easy and erect as in the old days, his eyes glowed with the same strength and the same confdence.

She bent forward and stared and sought. Surely she must be able to find the wounds which sorrow had given him, the marks which age had brought.

Cordt did not look at her. He stood with his hands folded about his neck and with strangely distant eyes:

“You have said it, Adelheid…it is as you say…there is something now that is a thousand times greater than what parted us then. We mortals always think, when misfortunes come, that no more will come now…that it must be over now. And so there is no difference between the child with its lost doll and the man with his dead love…none except time, which comes and goes, comes and goes, puts out a light and kindles a pyre and puts out the pyre also.”

He dropped his arms and stood silent for a while:

“Adelheid…”

He said no more. He looked round the room and at her, as though he were waking from his thoughts. Then he went to the window and looked across the square, where the lights were being put out.

Fru Adelheid stared with great fxed eyes at where he stood.

She had not seen him during many years…where had she been all those years…what had she been doing?

Then she had seen him again, distantly and dimly at frst, like the memory of a fght, a pain, on the day when she stood once more in the old room. He had come closer…the time he warned her aboutFinn. And, little by little, he had approached her through Finn…through his fears and his love, through his every word, constantly closer and more effectively.

She clutched the arms of the chair so frmly that her knuckles turned white.

Now it had come…now the doors of the mysterious cellars grated on their rusty hinges and the crime stood revealed…now the secret recesses in the walls were opened and the old documents bore witness to the right.…

Now there was no longer anything between her and him and there was nothing outside him and her. He stood beside her…she could reach him with her hands. She had no son and no God. His words swept over her like a storm, his eyes were bent upon her.…

She wanted to get up and run away, but could not. A sort of dizziness came over her and the ground retreated under her feet.

There were voices which told her that it was surely a very old and forgotten story…a legend preserved in the archives of the house for the entertainment and instruction of future times, which would possibly judge differently from the one who had set the legend down.

There were others, mocking and exultant voices, which whispered to her that it was all imagination and nothing else…that Finn belonged to her and not to him, that all his confdence and all his strength would break like glass against that pale, quiet boy, who loved his mother.

There were hymns and psalms and organ-pealing and impressive words about sin and forgiveness and Christ's heavenly glory. The cool air of the church-vault passed over her burningforehead…all the bells rang, as though for a soul in need.

She heard it all and it vanished like a sound in the air.

And all the voices were merged before her confused thoughts.

It turned into an evening in the old days…an evening of lights and gaiety. She saw the people of that time…she heard her own voice.…

Then, suddenly, it was quenched in the great silence of the old room.

The candles were burning on the mantelpiece.…She sat and stared into the red hearth. Now Cordt spoke . . .Cordt in the old days:

“I will stake life and happiness to win you. I will talk to you and importune you and conquer you. I will take you in my arms and close my door to you and run after you and forgive you. And, if I do not win you, I shall cast you off.”

She sprang up and clasped her head in her two hands:

“Cordt…Cordt…”

He turned round and looked into her white face.

She raised her face to him and sought and stared after her portrait in his eyes…only a thought from the old days…a memory…

It was not there. For him there was nothing in the world except that which was his happiness and his fear and his struggle…now as in the old days…

And it was no longer she.

“Adelheid…are you ill?”

“No…no…”

She laughed aloud. Cordt took her hands and led her to a chair.She let him do as he would and continued to look up in his face.

Then she suddenly thrust him from her.

She smiled and shook her head at her folly. She rose and walked round the room. She said she was quite well, told him to go away…just to go away.

And Cordt went.

She stared at the door, which closed after him, as though she had seen him for the last time. Then she turned round and looked into a mirror which showed her whole fgure.

Slowly she walked up to the mirror, sat down before it, with her head in her hands, and stared into her own face.

The clock struck one and two from the church-steeples and she did not hear. Then some one shouted down in the square. She rose, took a candle and left the room.

She went through the long passages and up the stairs, softly and carefully, as if she were a thief. She listened at Cordt's door and at Finn's. Then she stood outside the old room. She listened…there was no sound. She opened the door ajar and saw that it was dark.

She went in quickly and walked straight up to the secret recess in the wall. She opened it and took the yellow document in her trembling hands.

Then she stared at Cordt's name and her own, which were written down last and struck out again.

第二十章

阿德爾海德坐在那里,手里捧著書,但并沒有閱讀。

天色已晚。芬一直和她待在一起,直到他道了晚安然后去休息??铺夭辉诩抑?。房子里外都一般寂靜。

她有一種感覺,好似這世界上只有她一個人。

阿德爾海德并不快樂。

那段長久單調的日子所帶給她的內心的平靜已從這房子里消失。她無法看清自己未來的路:和芬在一起的時候不行,她自己一個人的時候也不行,更不用提當科特在這屋子里的時候。

甚至在教堂里,她都無法感到安穩(wěn)。有時,她離開教堂時的心情比她進入教堂時還要沉重;有時,她根本不敢踏入教堂,當聽到教堂走廊里風琴的召喚時,她卻轉身離開。

她長久地坐著,目視前方,白皙的手疊放在膝蓋上。她想試試看她能否把這事情想清楚。她之前也曾這樣努力過,但從未成功。

首先,是回到老屋子。

這是所有事情的開端,她禁不住想,老屋子是所有事情的源頭,因為,事實上,她內心里從未真正地戰(zhàn)勝它。與之關聯(lián)的回憶洶涌地襲來,她根本無力抵擋,這讓她血液沸騰,雙眼模糊,而她卻不知為了什么。

她承受著綿長的恐懼,而這恐懼她既無法解釋從何而來,亦無法驅散。有時是芬,芬那蒼白的臉讓她害怕。有時是科特,科特變得越來越沉默,總是在醞釀他那些想法。

她陷入一陣令人絕望的懊悔中,而她卻不知道自己如何犯下了罪過。然后她內心充滿對復仇的恐懼,而她知道沒有人想要傷害她。她感到她住在一幢墻體充滿密格的房子中,而一旦密格之中的文件曝光,將毀滅現(xiàn)存的所有一切。她感到好似走在神秘的地窖上,那地窖掩蓋著詭異的罪過的痕跡。

阿德爾海德疲倦地用手托著頭,又把手放下。她在椅子里直了直上半身,將臉靠近擺在她身前桌子上的玫瑰。然后她拿起書,不久又再次把書放在一邊。

然后,科特來了。

科特朝阿德爾海德點了點頭,算是打個招呼,然后走到房間里較遠的那一邊,拿了本書坐了下來。

阿德爾海德怯懦地看著科特。她聽到科特在翻書,于是想知道他讀的是什么書。阿德爾海德開口問科特,科特頭也不抬地回答了她,沉默加倍地充斥著房間。

阿德爾海德嘆了口氣,站起來準備去睡覺,“晚安,科特?!?/p>

科特合上書,隨手扔到桌子上。阿德爾海德停下腳步,看著他。然后他問道:

“今天漢斯來了嗎?”

阿德爾海德又坐回到椅子里。此刻,科特已站了起來,在屋子里踱步。阿德爾海德一邊等待一邊聽著科特的腳步聲,直到她無法忍受,“科特!”

科特停了下來,看著她。

“科特,芬會死的,如果漢斯一直和他在一起?!?/p>

“是的,”科特說道,聲音輕輕地,充滿悲傷,“芬會死掉,你會死掉,我也將死掉,但漢斯會活著?!?/p>

“你想拿芬怎么辦,科特?”

“難道你已經忘記我想要什么了嗎?”

科特看著她,那眼神傷到了她。

“不知你的愿望是不是同我的一樣,科特?!彼龁柕馈?/p>

“不?!?/p>

科特冷靜地回答道,口氣里沒有怒氣,但毫不猶豫。

聽到這樣的回答,阿德爾海德從椅子里跳了起來,“你的愿望從來都跟我不同。從不!你成功地說服我,威嚇我,強迫我。但我從來都不想那樣,科特,從不!即便是我同意的時候?!?/p>

“阿德爾海德,不要再談陳年舊事了?!?/p>

“現(xiàn)在呢,科特?現(xiàn)在我離你越來越遠,而你越來越不能理解我。在我身上,有一種力量比那時將我們分開的東西強大一千倍?!?/p>

科特看著阿德爾海德,眼中閃過一陣憤怒,“阿德爾海德,我身上也有?!?/p>

科特站在她面前,她感到科特比平常似乎要高一些,而他的臉看著出奇地年輕。

“芬來了?!笨铺卣f道。

阿德爾海德無法站立,于是坐回到椅子里。

“你說話的方式就好像他只是你的兒子,不是我的。”阿德爾海德說道。

阿德爾海德盯著科特的臉。她無法擺脫科特看上去如此年輕的想法。他的頭發(fā)沒有一點兒變白的跡象,他走路輕盈挺拔,眼睛充滿力量和自信,和以往無二。

阿德爾海德身體前傾,盯著科特的臉,尋找蛛絲馬跡。她當然應該能找到悲傷留給他的傷口,歲月帶給他的痕跡。

科特沒有看她。他雙手交叉摟著脖子站在那里,眼神迷離,“阿德爾海德,你說對了,就像你說的那樣,現(xiàn)在我們身上有種力量比當初分開我們的強大千倍。我們凡人總是認為,當不幸來臨,后面就會是好運,不幸一定會終結。而且,失去愛人的男人和失去洋娃娃的孩子沒有什么不同。除了時間,來來去去,熄滅了一盞燈,點燃了一堆柴,然后又熄滅了柴?!?/p>

科特放下胳膊,無聲地站了會兒,“阿德爾海德。”

他沒再說什么。他環(huán)視了屋子,又看了看她,就好像他剛從他的思考中醒過來一樣。然后他走向窗戶,望向廣場,那里的燈已經全部熄滅了。

阿德爾海德大睜著雙眼盯著科特站立的地方。

很多年了,她都忽略了他的存在,這些年她都去了哪里?她都在做些什么?

她現(xiàn)在又注意到了他,起初遙遠而模糊,當她又一次站在老屋子的時候,就好像一次吵架、一種傷痛的回憶那般。然后,他靠近了一些,就是在那次他警告她芬不能像她那樣活著。再然后,一點兒一點兒,通過芬,通過他的恐懼和他的愛,通過他每句話,他接近了她,越來越近,影響也越來越大。

她把椅子的扶手握得那么用力以至于她的關節(jié)都泛白了。

現(xiàn)在,那神秘的地窖之門的鉸鏈嘎吱作響,罪過顯現(xiàn)?,F(xiàn)在墻體里秘密的暗格都被打開,老舊的文件都公布于眾。

現(xiàn)在,她和他之間的一切都消失了,而他們之外的一切也都不存在了。他站在她身旁,她伸伸手就能觸摸到他。她失去了兒子也失去了上帝。他的話像暴風雨般掃過她的心靈,他的眼睛注視著她。

她想要站起來逃走,但卻無法動彈。她感到一陣暈眩,腳下的大地似乎在后退。

她聽到許多說話的聲音,向她訴說一個很久以前早已被人忘記的故事,一個記錄在家族檔案里用于娛樂和對后人進行指導的傳說,而后人大約會對這傳說加以不同于原作者的評論。

還有其他話語,嘲笑和興奮的聲音,都在向她耳語,這一切都是幻想。芬是屬于她的,而不是他,他所有的自信、力量都會在遇到那深愛著母親、蒼白而安靜的男孩時變得粉碎。

話語中還有圣歌、贊美詩、風琴聲和令人難忘的對罪惡、寬恕和基督的榮耀的話語。教堂地窖的涼風吹過她滾燙的額頭。所有的鐘一起敲響,就好像是為了一個靈魂之需。

她聽到了這一切,而這一切就像空中任意的聲音一樣消失了。

所有的話語在她混亂的思緒前混成一團,演繹成舊時光里的一個夜晚,一個充滿燈光和歡樂的夜晚。她看到那時的人們,她聽到她自己的聲音。

然后,突然地,所有的聲音都被老屋子里的寂靜鎮(zhèn)壓。

蠟燭在壁爐架上燃燒。她坐在那里,盯著紅色的壁爐??铺卦谡f話……那是以前的科特,“我會用生命和快樂作為贏得你的心的賭注。我會和你說話,強求你,征服你。我會擁抱你,拒絕你,然后追求你,寬恕你。如果我沒有贏得你,我將拋棄你?!?/p>

她站起來,雙手拍著她的腦袋說道:

“科特,科特?!?/p>

科特轉過頭,看著她蒼白的臉。

阿德爾海德抬起頭看著科特,在科特的眼睛里尋找自己的影子,或者僅僅是過去時光的一絲念想兒,一點兒記憶。

但她找不到。對于科特,這世界上除了他的快樂、他的恐懼、他的掙扎之外就再無其他,以往如此,現(xiàn)在亦如此。只是,這一切都不再圍繞著她。

“阿德爾海德,你生病了嗎?”

“沒有,沒有。”

阿德爾海德大聲笑起來??铺匚罩氖郑阉I到一把椅子前。阿德爾海德任科特擺布,眼睛卻一直看著科特的臉。

然后,她突然猛推開科特。

她微笑著,對自己的愚蠢搖搖頭,然后在屋子里走了一圈。她說她很好,讓科特離開,快點兒離開。

然后科特走了。

她看著科特離開時關上的門,好似那是她最后一次看到科特。然后她轉身,看著鏡子,鏡子里呈現(xiàn)出她整個人。

慢慢地,她走向鏡子,坐了下來,手托著頭,眼睛盯著鏡子里自己的臉。

教堂尖塔里的鐘敲了一下,兩下,她都沒有聽到。然后有人在廣場上尖叫。她站了起來,拿了一支蠟燭,離開了屋子。

她穿過長長的走廊,走上樓梯,小心翼翼地,好像她是小偷一樣。她站在科特和芬的臥室門前,聽里面的動靜。然后她站在老屋子門外。她凝神聽著,沒有任何聲音。她微微打開老屋子的門,里面一片漆黑。

她迅速走進去,徑直走到墻上的暗格處,打開暗格,雙手顫抖地拿出那泛黃的文件。

然后她盯著科特和自己的名字,寫在文件最后面,又被劃掉的名字。

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