I have made all sorts of acquaintances, but have as yet found no society. I know not what attraction I possess for the people, so many of them like me, and attach themselves to me; and then I feel sorry when the road we pursue together goes only a short distance. If you inquire what the people are like here, I must answer, “The same as everywhere.” The human race is but a monotonous affair. Most of them labour the greater part of their time for mere subsistence; and the scanty portion of freedom which remains to them so troubles them that they use every exertion to get rid of it. Oh, the destiny of man!
But they are a right good sort of people. If I occasionally forget myself, and take part in the innocent pleasures which are not yet forbidden to the peasantry, and enjoy myself, for instance, with genuine freedom and sincerity, round a well-covered table, or arrange an excursion or a dance opportunely, and so forth, all this produces a good effect upon my disposition; only I must forget that there lie dormant within me so many other qualities which moulder uselessly, and which I am obliged to keep carefully concealed. Ah! this thought affects my spirits fearfully. And yet to be misunderstood is the fate of the like of us.
Alas, that the friend of my youth is gone! Alas, that I ever knew her! I might say to myself, “You are a dreamer to seek what is not to be found here below.” But she has been mine. I have possessed that heart, that noble soul, in whose presence I seemed to be more than I really was, because I was all that I could be. Good heavens! did then a single power of my soul remain unexercised? In her presence could I not display, to its full extent, that mysterious feeling with which my heart embraces nature? Was not our intercourse a perpetual web of the finest emotions, of the keenest wit, the varieties of which, even in their very eccentricity, bore the stamp of genius? Alas! the few years by which she was my senior brought her to the grave before me. Never can I forget her firm mind or her heavenly patience.
A few days ago I met a certain young V—, a frank, open fellow, with a most pleasing countenance. He has just left the university, does not deem himself overwise, but believes he knows more than other people. He has worked hard, as I can perceive from many circumstances, and, in short, possesses a large stock of information. When he heard that I am drawing a good deal, and that I know Greek (two wonderful things for this part of the country), he came to see me, and displayed his whole store of learning, from Batteaux to Wood, from De Piles to Winkelmann: he assured me he had read through the first part of Sultzer’s theory, and also possessed a manuscript of Heyne’s work on the study of the antique. I allowed it all to pass.
I have become acquainted, also, with a very worthy person, the district judge, a frank and open-hearted man. I am told it is a most delightful thing to see him in the midst of his children, of whom he has nine. His eldest daughter especially is highly spoken of. He has invited me to go and see him, and I intend to do so on the first opportunity. He lives at one of the royal hunting-lodges, which can be reached from here in an hour and a half by walking, and which he obtained leave to inhabit after the loss of his wife, as it is so painful to him to reside in town and at the court.
There have also come in my way a few other originals of a questionable sort, who are in all respects undesirable, and most intolerable in their demonstration of friendship. Good-bye. This letter will please you: it is quite historical.
我已認識各式各樣的人,但能做伴的朋友卻還一個沒交上。我不知道自己有什么吸引人的地方,他們那么多人都喜歡我,愿意與我親近;而唯其如此,我又為我們只能同走一小段路而感到難過。你要是問這兒的人怎么樣,我只能回答:跟到處一樣!人類嘛都是一個模子鑄出來的。多數(shù)人為了生活,不得不忙忙碌碌,花去大部分時間;剩下一點點余暇卻使他們犯起愁來,非想方設法打發(fā)掉不可。這就是人類的命運??!
此地的人倒挺善良!我常常忘記自己的身份,和他們一起共享人類還保留下來的一些歡樂,或圍坐在一桌豐盛的筵席前開懷暢飲,縱情談笑,或及時舉行一次郊游,一次舞會。等等這些,都對我的心境產生了很好的效果;只可惜偶爾我不免想起,我身上還有許多其他能力未能發(fā)揮,正在發(fā)霉衰朽,不得不小心翼翼地收藏起來。唉,一想到這一點,我的整個心就縮緊了?!捎惺裁崔k法!遭人誤解,這便是我們這種人的命運。
可嘆呵,我青年時代的女友已經去世!可嘆呵,我曾與她相識!——我真想說:“你是個傻瓜!你追求著在人世間找不到的東西。”可是,我確曾有過她,感到過她的心,她的偉大的靈魂;和她在一起,我自己仿佛也增加了價值,因為我成了我所能成為的最充實的人。仁慈的主呵!那時難道有我心靈中的任何一種能力不曾發(fā)揮么?我在她面前,不是能把我的心用以擁抱宇宙的奇異情感,整個兒抒發(fā)出來么?我與她的交往,不就是一幅不斷用柔情、睿智、戲謔等等織成的錦緞么?這一切上面,全留下了天才的印記呀!——唉,她先我而生,也先我而去。我將永遠不會忘記她,不會忘記她那堅定的意志,不會忘記她那非凡的耐性。
幾天前,我見過一個叫V的青年,為人坦率,模樣兒長得也挺俊。他剛從大學畢業(yè),雖說還不以才子自居,卻總以為比別人多幾分學問。我從一些事情上感覺出,他人倒勤奮,一句話,也有相當知識吧。當他聽說我會畫畫,還懂希臘文——這在此間可算兩大奇技——便跑來找我,把他淵博的學識一股腦兒抖摟了出來,從巴托談到伍德,從德·俾勒談到溫克爾曼,并要我相信他已把蘇爾澤的《原理》的第一卷通讀過一遍,他還收藏有一部海納研究古典文化的手稿呢。對他的話我未置一詞。
我還結識了一位很不錯的男子,是侯爵在本城的總管,為人忠厚坦誠。據說,誰要看見他和他的幾個孩子在一塊兒,誰都會打心眼兒里高興;尤其對他的大女兒,人家更是贊不絕口。他已邀請我上他家去,我也打算盡早前往拜訪。他住在侯爵的獵莊上,離城約一個半小時路程;自妻子亡故以后,他住在城里和法院里都心頭難受,便獲準遷到獵莊去了。
此外,我還碰著幾個怪人,一舉一動都叫你受不了,尤其是他們的那股子親熱勁兒。再談吧!這封信你一定喜歡,它完完全全是紀實。