戀愛十宗罪 我們是如何毀了自己愛情的?

1.You're playing to win你們總是想要贏對方

One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge, the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you're tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner's head.

愛情的一大致命殺手就是競爭欲望：把感情當作比賽，總是想要贏過對方。處在競爭關系中的人總是想要尋找自己的優(yōu)勢，占盡上風，盡握對方的把柄。

2.You don't trust你們不信任彼此

There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won't cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won't leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say.

感情的信任包括兩層含義：足夠信任你的伴侶，明白他不會欺騙也不會傷害你，同時也了解他也是如此的信任著你;足夠信任你的愛人，明白不管你說什么做什么，他都不會離開或者不再愛你。

3. You don't talk你們不交流

Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don't want to hurt their partner, or because they're trying to win. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that's the death of a relationship.

太多的人沉默無言，對感情中讓他們煩惱或者不安的細節(jié)只字不提，也許是因為不想傷害對方，也許是因為太想要贏而不愿意示弱。緘默不語其實是缺乏信任的表現(xiàn)，這是愛情的死穴。

4. You don't listen你們不傾聽

Listening — really listening — is hard. It's normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. If you can't listen actively, at least to the person you love, there's a problem.

真正的傾聽很難。聽到類似批評的話語時，我們想要為自己辯護，這很正常，所以我們不聽對方把話說完就開始打斷，解釋，為自己找借口，或者在心中準備防守。如果對你愛的人你都無法主動傾聽，那就有問題了。

5. You spend like a single person你還像個單身的人過活

When you're single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It's not necessarily wise, but you're the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. If you're spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.

單身的時候，想買什么買什么，隨時隨地隨心所欲，一點不想著將來。這很不明智，但是我們是唯一要為后果付出代價的人。當你長期跟某人交往時，這一切就不再成為可能。如果你還是像以前一樣大手大腳覺得別人沒權利對你指手畫腳，那么你們的感情就完了。

6. You're afraid of breaking up你們總是害怕會分手

Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that's a big warning sign that something's wrong. But often, what's wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Quite frankly, this isn't going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn't going to be very satisfying for your partner.

擁有真正幸福感情的人是不會害怕分手的。如果你在擔心，那就是在警告你，有些東西不太對勁。但經(jīng)常真正不對勁的是害怕情緒的本身，它不僅泄露了你對對方的不信任，也是你自身缺乏自信自尊的表現(xiàn)。坦白說，如果你對這段感情不滿意，那你的愛人又怎么會滿足呢?

7. You're dependent你太依賴對方

There's a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you've crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever's missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent.

互相扶持還是太過依賴，只在一念之間。如果你事事依賴對方(也就是說你離了他/她就活不了)，你就越界了。你身上的壓力全部轉(zhuǎn)嫁到你的愛人身上，這樣的壓力，會讓他/她最終怨恨你。

8. You expect happiness你以為愛情里只有幸福

A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can "make" you happy, except you — but it's an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren't only about being happy, and there's lots of times when you won't and even shouldn't be.

一段糟糕的感情，其中一個信號就是期望對方會讓自己幸福，或者以為自己會讓對方幸福。這不僅僅是你對自己或者對方的不切實際的期望(要知道除了你自己沒人能讓你幸福)，也是你對感情不現(xiàn)實的幻想。一段感情，不僅僅是快樂和幸福，還有很多痛苦、悲傷和難過的時刻。

9. You never fight你們從來不吵架

A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human's emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.

偶爾的爭論很重要。從某種程度上來說，爭吵可以在大問題出現(xiàn)前就消化掉根源的小矛盾。通過爭吵表達憤怒，也是我們情感渲泄最完美的方法。你們的感情要足夠牢固，可以包容你們的所有一切，而不只是快樂陽光的一面。

10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard你以為感情很容易/很難

There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it's hard, it must be worth having. The outcome of both views is that you don't work at your relationship and quickly get burnt out.

有兩種觀點對感情的理解非常不對：一種認為維系感情很容易，如果真的深愛彼此注定會在一起，那就順其自然，車到山前必有路;一種認為只有歷盡艱險才能值得擁有，所以既然經(jīng)過各種磨難和艱苦，那這段感情肯定值得擁有。這兩種觀點的結果是，你不會經(jīng)營感情，而愛的花火也會很快熄滅。

11.Your choices你其實可以選擇

There isn't any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though. If you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change.

這些問題都沒有答案，但是你可以選擇。如果你們遭受這些問題的折磨，你需要自己去搞清楚怎么修復感情。可能是要一起去看心理醫(yī)生，可能是獨自一人去山里度假，可能只是跟你的愛人聊聊，對自己做出改變的承諾。