用不著你包辦一切，孩子好著呢

Advice From ‘America’s Worst Mom’

用不著你包辦一切，孩子好著呢

Lenore Skenazy, a New York City mother of two, earned the sobriquet “America’s Worst Mom” after reporting in a newspaper column that she had allowed her younger son, then 9, to ride the subway alone.

家住紐約市的莉諾·斯科納茲(Lenore Skenazy)是兩個(gè)孩子的母親，自從報(bào)紙專欄報(bào)道了她讓9歲的小兒子獨(dú)自乘坐地鐵的事情之后，“美國最差媽媽”的綽號(hào)就落在了她的頭上。

The damning criticism she endured, including a threat of arrest for child endangerment, intensified her desire to encourage anxious parents to give their children the freedom they need to develop the self-confidence and resilience to cope effectively with life’s many challenges.

她承受了嚴(yán)厲的譴責(zé)，甚至面臨著因危害兒童罪而受到逮捕的威脅，但這一切反而令她的信念更加堅(jiān)定，她期望能通過自己的努力，鼓勵(lì)焦慮的家長們放手，給孩子更多自由，讓孩子們有機(jī)會(huì)建立自信心和適應(yīng)力，從而更有效地應(yīng)對(duì)生活中的諸多挑戰(zhàn)。

One result was the publication in 2009 of her book “Free Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts With Worry).” A second result is the Free Range Kids Project and a 13-part series, starting Thursday on Discovery Life Channel, called “World’s Worst Mom.” In it, Ms. Skenazy intervenes to rescue bubble-wrapped kids from their overprotective parents by guiding the children safely through a sequence of once-forbidden activities and showing their anxious parents how well the children perform and how proud they are of what they accomplished.

為此，她在2009年出版了一本書，名為《放養(yǎng)孩子》(Free Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children [Without Going Nuts With Worry])。此外她還建立了“放養(yǎng)孩子計(jì)劃”(Free Range Kids Project)，并拍攝了名為《世界上最糟糕的媽媽》(‘World’s Worst Mom’)的13集系列片，從周四開始在探索生活頻道(Discovery Life Channel)播出。在這個(gè)節(jié)目里，斯科納茲試圖通過干預(yù)將受到過度保護(hù)的“花骨朵”們從父母手中解放出來，指導(dǎo)他們安全地完成一系列一度被父母嚴(yán)格禁止的活動(dòng)，向那些總是憂心忡忡的父母們顯示，他們的孩子有多棒，以及他們的孩子對(duì)自己的成就有多么感到自豪。

The term “helicopter parents” applies to far more than those who hover relentlessly over their children’s academic and musical development. As depicted in the first episode of the series, it applies to 10-year-old Sam’s very loving mother who wouldn’t let him ride a bike (“she’s afraid I’ll fall and get hurt”), cut up his own meat (“Mom thinks I’ll cut my fingers off”), or play “rough sports” like skating. The plea from a stressed-out, thwarted Sam: “I just want to do things by myself.”

“直升機(jī)父母”這個(gè)詞常形容的是那些每分每秒都懸在孩子頭頂，督促他們在學(xué)業(yè)和音樂上不斷進(jìn)步的父母，但其實(shí)這個(gè)詞的適用范圍遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不止于此。斯科納茲系列片的第一集中介紹的、10歲男孩山姆的母親就是典型的“直升機(jī)父母”。她對(duì)自己的兒子過分愛護(hù)，以至于不允許他騎自行車(“她怕我會(huì)跌倒受傷”)，不許他自己用餐刀切碎盤中肉食(“媽媽認(rèn)為我肯定會(huì)切到手指頭”)，更不許參加滑冰之類“粗野的運(yùn)動(dòng)”。壓力山大且倍受挫折的山姆懇求道：“我想要的，不過是自己的事情自己做而已。”

In an interview, Ms. Skenazy said, “Having been brainwashed by all the stories we hear, there’s a prevailing fear that any time you’re not directly supervising your child, you’re putting the child in danger.” The widespread publicity now given to crimes has created an exaggerated fear of the dangers children face if left to navigate and play on their own.

斯科納茲女士在一次采訪中說：“被道聽途說的傳聞洗腦之后，人們普遍存在這么一種憂慮：只要沒有緊緊盯著自己孩子的一舉一動(dòng)，就是將孩子置于險(xiǎn)境。”現(xiàn)如今對(duì)犯罪行為的廣泛宣傳，也大大夸大了讓兒童獨(dú)立行動(dòng)和玩耍時(shí)可能遇到的危險(xiǎn)。

Yet, according to Peter Gray, a research psychologist at Boston College, “the actual rate of strangers abducting or molesting children is very small. It’s more likely to happen at the hands of a relative or family friend. The statistics show no increase in childhood dangers. If anything, there’s been a decrease.”

然而，美國波士頓學(xué)院(Boston College)的研究心理學(xué)家彼得·格雷(Peter Gray)指出：“實(shí)際上，陌生人拐騙或猥褻兒童的案發(fā)率非常低，親戚或家庭友人作案的機(jī)率反而更大。而且，統(tǒng)計(jì)數(shù)據(jù)并未顯示兒童面臨的危險(xiǎn)增加，實(shí)情是此類事件是呈下降趨勢的。”

Experts say there is no more crime against children by strangers today — and probably significantly less — than when I was growing up in the 1940s and ’50s, a time when I walked to school alone and played outdoors with friends unsupervised by adults. “The world is not perfect — it never was — but we used to trust our children in it, and they learned to be resourceful,” Ms. Skenazy said. “The message these anxious parents are giving to their children is ‘I love you, but I don’t believe in you. I don’t believe you’re as competent as I am.’ ”

專家們表示，與我小時(shí)候，也就是20世紀(jì)40年代和50年代相比，今天由陌生人實(shí)施的針對(duì)兒童的犯罪非但沒有增加，很可能還顯著減少了。要知道，我們那時(shí)候是自己步行上學(xué)，還在戶外跟朋友玩耍，旁邊都沒有成年人的監(jiān)管。“世界不是完美的——從來就不是，但過去我們一直相信孩子們自己能行，相信他們可以從中學(xué)會(huì)隨機(jī)應(yīng)變，”斯科納茲女士說。“而如今的這些焦慮的父母傳達(dá)給子女們的信息卻是：‘我愛你，但我不信任你。我不相信你像我一樣能干。’ ”

Dr. Gray, author of “Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life,” said in an interview, “If children are not allowed to take routine risks, they’ll be less likely to be able to handle real risks when they do occur.”

格雷博士撰寫了《會(huì)玩才會(huì)學(xué)——當(dāng)野孩子有什么不好?》(Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life)一書。他在接受采訪時(shí)說，“如果孩子們從沒有機(jī)會(huì)面對(duì)日常風(fēng)險(xiǎn)，那么，當(dāng)真正的危險(xiǎn)降臨時(shí)，他們越不可能有能力應(yīng)對(duì)。”

Case in point: His college’s counseling office has seen a doubling in the rate of emergency calls in the last five years, “mainly for problems kids used to solve on their own,” like being called a bad name by a roommate or finding a mouse in the room. “Students are prepared academically, but they’re not prepared to deal with day-to-day life, which comes from a lack of opportunity to deal with ordinary problems,” Dr. Gray said. “Over the past 60 years, there’s been a huge change, well documented by social scientists, in the hours a day children play outdoors — less than half as much as parents did at their children’s ages,” he said.

舉例為證：在過去五年內(nèi)，他所在學(xué)院的輔導(dǎo)辦公室接到的緊急求助電話翻了一番，“基本上都是為了一些以往孩子們可以獨(dú)立解決的問題”，比如被室友起了個(gè)難聽的昵稱或是在房間里發(fā)現(xiàn)一只老鼠等等。“學(xué)生們只準(zhǔn)備好了如何搞定學(xué)業(yè)上的困難，卻并沒有準(zhǔn)備好要如何應(yīng)對(duì)日常生活，因?yàn)樗麄円恢睕]什么機(jī)會(huì)去處理那些尋常的問題，”格雷博士說。“社會(huì)科學(xué)家的資料顯示，在過去的60年里發(fā)生了巨大的變化——現(xiàn)在孩子們每天在戶外玩耍的時(shí)間還不到他們父母當(dāng)初的一半，”他說。

In decades past, children made up their own games and acquired important life skills in the process. “In pickup games,” Dr. Gray said, “children make the rules, negotiate, and figure out what’s fair to keep everyone happy. They develop creativity, empathy and the ability to read the minds of other players, instead of having adults make the rules and solve all the problems.”

幾十年前，孩子們自創(chuàng)游戲，并從這一過程中習(xí)得重要的生活技能。格雷博士說：“在臨時(shí)組織的比賽中，孩子們自己制定規(guī)則并相互協(xié)商，最后確定下來讓每個(gè)人都滿意的最公平的玩法。由此他們的創(chuàng)造力得到了開發(fā)，也學(xué)會(huì)了揣度和體諒其他玩家的心理，而不是任由成年人給他們定下規(guī)矩并大包大攬地解決所有問題。”

Dr. Gray links the astronomical rise in childhood depression and anxiety disorders, which are five to eight times more common than they were in the 1950s, to the decline in free play among young children. “Young people today are less likely to have a sense of control over their own lives and more likely to feel they are the victims of circumstances, which is predictive of anxiety and depression,” he said.

格雷博士認(rèn)為，今天兒童抑郁癥和焦慮癥會(huì)飆升至20世紀(jì)50年代的五到八倍，與兒童自由玩耍時(shí)間的減少有關(guān)。他說：“如今的年輕人對(duì)生活的掌控力較弱，相反，他們更容易覺得自己不過是客觀環(huán)境下的犧牲品，這當(dāng)然會(huì)產(chǎn)生焦慮和抑郁情緒。”

There are also physical consequences to restricting children’s outdoor play because there are no adults available to supervise it. Children today spend many more hours indoors than in years past, which in part accounts for the rise in childhood obesity and Type 2 diabetes. Many elementary schools have even canceled recess, believing it is time better spent cramming children’s heads with facts and figures.

由于成年人沒有足夠的時(shí)間和精力來監(jiān)管，就限制孩子們能在戶外玩耍的時(shí)間，這對(duì)他們的身體也會(huì)造成影響。與以前相比，如今的孩子們待在室內(nèi)的時(shí)間大大增加，從某種程度上導(dǎo)致了兒童肥胖和2型糖尿病的多發(fā)。很多小學(xué)甚至把課間休息也取消了，他們認(rèn)為與其休息，還不如抓緊這些時(shí)間把資料和數(shù)字塞進(jìn)孩子們的腦袋里。

“Childhood should be a time of freedom and play, not building a résumé for college,” Dr. Gray said.

格雷博士說：“童年本就應(yīng)該自由玩耍，這段時(shí)光不是用來打造漂亮的大學(xué)入學(xué)簡歷的。”

As Ms. Skenazy put it, “if parents truly believe children must be supervised every second of the day, then they can’t walk to school, play in the park, or wake up Saturday morning, get on their bikes and go have an adventure.”

正如斯科納茲女士所說的那樣：“如果家長真的認(rèn)為自己的子女每分每秒都離不開照管，那么孩子們就不能自己走路去上學(xué)或是在公園玩耍，更不能在星期六早上起床后騎上自行車出門去探索新天地。”

Some 2,000 families were screened by the Discovery Life Channel to find 13 families crippled by anxiety yet willing to have an intervention. “The parents weren’t easy pushovers,” Ms. Skenazy said. “Some were very unhappy to see me at first. But once pride in what their children achieved replaced their fears, they were ecstatic — relaxed and happy instead of crippled with fear.”

探索生活頻道篩查了約2000個(gè)家庭，從中找到了13個(gè)深受焦慮困擾卻愿意嘗試接受干預(yù)的家庭。“要說服父母們可不是件容易的事，”斯科納茲說。“有些人一開始根本不想見到我。但當(dāng)他們對(duì)孩子成就的自豪感沖淡了恐懼，每個(gè)人都欣喜若狂，變得又輕松又快樂。”

Ms. Skenazy spent four days with each family, introducing a different challenge each day. Sam learned to cut cheese and slice a tomato with a sharp knife and then made sandwiches for his parents. He also learned to ride a two-wheeler.

斯科納茲與每個(gè)家庭都共處了四天，每一天都給他們提出不同的挑戰(zhàn)課題。山姆學(xué)會(huì)了用鋒利的餐刀將奶酪和西紅柿切片，然后給父母做三明治。他還學(xué)會(huì)了騎兩輪腳踏車。