小短腿兒也有春天
Short People Have All the Luck
小短腿兒也有春天
B y Matt Nawrocki 鹿尤 選注
I was born a tall man and it’s only gotten worse since then. At 6 feet and 4 inches, I am exactly as tall as you can get before it starts frightening children. While height is a touchy subject and many people would love to be taller, I can assure you the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Short people are the ones that really have it made . Yeah, sure, being tall isn’t all bad. I always get to stand in the back for group photos, so no one will ever know how often I have mustard on my shirts. People always look up to me, whether they want to or not. I went straight from young enough to ride in a stroller to tall enough to ride a rollercoaster.
And don’t get me wrong, being short sucks sometimes. People make the same annoying “midget” jokes repeatedly. The jokes were obnoxious the first time and hearing them another billion times hasn’t helped. I’d like to personally apologize for everyone that’s made one of those jokes. It just isn’t possible for us tall people to be more creative, we’ve lost too many brain cells banging our heads on low chandeliers.
The thing is, for every shelf out of reach or woman that won’t date guys under 6 feet, there’s an opposite problem faced by tall people. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but there are plenty of situations where a shorter height is a blessing.
Who doesn’t like a nice hug? Tall people, that’s who. We have to either do a weird crouch thing or bend down while towering over the other person. There’s just no easy way to do it. Tall women have this one even worse. They can’t hug without smashing their chest into the person’s face like the least subtle pick-up move ever.
Short people are also better dancers. Long lanky limbs make it almost impossible for tall people to do it well. To make matters worse, they stick out above the crowd on the dance floor, so no one will miss a tall dork that can’t dance. Don’t even think about making a tall person slow dance. That’s like taking an awkward tall hug and stretching it out for an eternity of torture.
Short girls also have the luxury of making the whole world see them at MySpace angles. If you’re not familiar with MySpace angles, they came from a photography trick where girls took selfies with the camera way above their head because it made them look like babes on MySpace. Just imagine a life where everyone sees you like that 24/7 and always thinks you’re a babe. Doesn’t sound so bad to me!
Fashion is another area where shorter people are gifted. Everything old is new again and some people that don’t grow into Jolly Green Giants can still fit in their childhood clothes. Why pay $50 for a trendy vintage Ninja Turtles shirt when you can just wear the same one you had when you were ten?
High fives are the coolest thing ever but tall people can only give them, not receive. If we put our hands up for a high five, we’re just being jerks because the other person can’t reach. Piggyback rides are just as bad. Everybody wants one from the tall guy but the only people that can give me a piggyback ride without my feet dragging are too busy playing in the NBA.
These benefits of being short are only the tip of the iceberg. You rule at limbo, you can still Trick-or-Treat, and you always have legroom. The world is your oyster, short people, so slurp it up.
