他們的婚禮，他們的愛(ài)情感言

When writing for the weddings pages of The New York Times — which I have done since 1992, at first on a weekly basis and now occasionally — the job is to walk into a room full of well-dressed strangers and collect the best descriptions you can find about love and marriage, mostly love. It isn’t easy. For one thing, people sense a stranger in their midst as acutely as a herd of gazelles might, and they tend to scatter, or stare from a distance in a menacing way.

在為《紐約時(shí)報(bào)》婚禮版撰稿時(shí)——我從1992年開(kāi)始做這份工作，開(kāi)始是每周一篇，現(xiàn)在是偶爾寫——我的工作是走進(jìn)一個(gè)滿是穿著考究的陌生人的房間，收集關(guān)于愛(ài)情和婚姻的最佳描述——大多是關(guān)于愛(ài)。這并不容易。一個(gè)原因是，人們會(huì)像羚羊一樣敏銳地發(fā)覺(jué)他們中間有個(gè)陌生人，往往會(huì)躲開(kāi)，或者從遠(yuǎn)處惡狠狠地注視。

Over the years, I have filled many spiral notebooks with quotations. On the subject of love, clichés are hard to avoid. I have heard, “They/we are like two pieces of a puzzle,” or “It was fate/bashert/kismet/meant to be” thousands of times, or that’s how it feels anyway. Occasionally, though, people say something original and sparkly about love, and as a reporter, I want to hug them. It’s like finding a diamond in the sand. As a sort of thank-you to all of those whom I have written about, and those whom I have written for, here are 10 of those jewels:

這些年來(lái)，我在一大摞螺旋線圈本上記下了很多引語(yǔ)。關(guān)于愛(ài)這個(gè)主題，你難免會(huì)聽(tīng)到陳詞濫調(diào)。比如，“他們/我們就像一個(gè)拼圖里兩片”，還有聽(tīng)過(guò)幾千遍的“愛(ài)是命運(yùn)/天命/命中注定”，或者類似的話。不過(guò)，人們偶爾也會(huì)說(shuō)出一些迸發(fā)思想火花的新穎的話，作為記者，我想擁抱他們。那感覺(jué)就像在沙子里找到了一顆鉆石。為了對(duì)所有我寫過(guò)的人以及寫作對(duì)象表示感謝，我在這里分享其中的10個(gè)珍寶：

1. “In a sense, the person we marry is a stranger about whom we have a magnificent hunch.” This is my all-time favorite quotation about marriage, spoken during a 1992 wedding in a small, unheated chapel in Cold Spring, N.Y., and sourced from the 1991 book “Weddings From the Heart” by Daphne Rose Kingma. In its own way, the quotation also explains a lot about divorce.

1. “從某種意義上講，我們的結(jié)婚對(duì)象是個(gè)陌生人，我們對(duì)他/她有強(qiáng)烈的預(yù)感。”這是我一直以來(lái)最喜歡的關(guān)于婚姻的引語(yǔ)。1992年，我在紐約州科爾德斯普林市一個(gè)沒(méi)有暖氣的小教堂舉辦的一場(chǎng)婚禮上聽(tīng)到了這句話，它出自1991年達(dá)芙妮·羅絲·金馬(Daphne Rose Kingma)的書《發(fā)自內(nèi)心的婚禮》(Weddings From the Heart)。這段引語(yǔ)也以自己的方式對(duì)離婚做出了很多闡釋。

2. This remark, from a Vows column about the 1995 wedding of Elizabeth Burbank and LaMott Britto, describes how it feels to finally find a partner: “I’ve always felt like a fish out of water, and when I met LaMott it was like he was the same fish.”

2. 下面這句話來(lái)自一個(gè)關(guān)于結(jié)婚誓言的專欄。它提到了1995年伊麗莎白·伯班克(Elizabeth Burbank)和拉莫特·布里托(LaMott Britto)的婚禮，描述了最終找到人生伴侶的感覺(jué)：“我一直覺(jué)得自己像一條離開(kāi)水的魚，遇見(jiàn)拉莫特時(shí)，我感覺(jué)他也是這樣一條魚。”

3. According to Stacy Cor, who became engaged to Dan Polner 10 days after they met on an airplane in 1993, examination should not be necessary to determine if love is real. “When you know you know, and don’t believe it any other way,” she said. “When someone asks you to marry them, you shouldn’t have to make a list of pros and cons. You just know. You jump into their arms and say, ‘Yeah!’”

3. 據(jù)斯塔茜·科爾(Stacy Cor)說(shuō)，你不需要通過(guò)研究來(lái)確定自己是否遇到了真愛(ài)。1993年，她在飛機(jī)上遇見(jiàn)丹·波爾納(Dan Polner)，10天后，他們訂婚了。“你知道就是知道，不要再有其他想法，”她說(shuō)。“有人向你求婚時(shí)，你不必列出利弊清單。你就是知道。你跳進(jìn)他們懷里說(shuō)：‘我愿意!’”

4. For some, “knowing” is not so obvious. This is how Patricia Durkin knew Kenneth Wignall, whom she would marry in 1995, was right for her: “One night, a moth was flying around a light bulb and he caught it and let it out the window. I said: ‘That’s it. He’s the guy.’” This quotation also speaks to the fruitlessness of trying to impress someone with a certain look, attribute, political affiliation or apartment décor. The things that spark attention and interest are often mysteries, even to ourselves. So throw out the list.

4. 而對(duì)有些人來(lái)說(shuō)，“知道”并不那么明顯。帕特麗夏·德金(Patricia Durkin)就是這樣。她是這樣知道肯尼思·威格納爾(Kenneth Wignall)是她的真命天子的：“一天晚上，一只蛾子一直繞著燈泡飛，他抓住它，送它飛出窗口。當(dāng)時(shí)我心想：‘就是他了。他就是那個(gè)人。’”1995年，她嫁給了威格納爾。這個(gè)故事也說(shuō)明，試圖以某種外表、特點(diǎn)、政治立場(chǎng)或公寓裝飾來(lái)打動(dòng)別人是徒勞無(wú)功的。能引起注意和興趣的事往往很神秘，甚至對(duì)我們自己來(lái)說(shuō)也是如此。所以不要去列清單。

5. When brides and grooms describe their first or second meetings, they often say they feel as if they have known each other forever, possibly even in former lives. “I feel like Sean and I have known each other since the beginning of time,” Meghan Milewski said of Sean Yeaton, whom she married in 2013. “I always tell him, ‘After we die, we have to find each other in our next life.’ I also tell him if I die before him, I really want him to fall in love again. But in our next lifetime, he has to find me, not her. That’s the deal.”

5. 當(dāng)新郎和新娘描述他們的第一次或第二次相遇時(shí)，他們常說(shuō)，感覺(jué)好像一直都認(rèn)識(shí)對(duì)方，甚至可能是上輩子就認(rèn)識(shí)。“我覺(jué)得我和肖恩(Sean)好像從洪荒之初就認(rèn)識(shí)彼此，”梅根·米萊夫斯基(Meghan Milewski)在提起肖恩·耶頓(Sean Yeaton)時(shí)說(shuō)。他們于2013年結(jié)婚。“我總是對(duì)他說(shuō)，‘我們死后，必須在來(lái)生找到彼此。’我還對(duì)他說(shuō)，如果我比他先死，我真的希望他再次戀愛(ài)。但是在來(lái)生，他必須找到我，而不是她。這是我們的約定。”

6. Sometimes, you only learn what love is by breaking up. Before Eames Yates and Pamela Taylor were married in 2006 in Snowmass, Colo., they separated for a period of time that was especially excruciating for Mr. Yates. It was also illuminating: “I now know what love is,” he said. “It’s when someone becomes part of every breath, in what way I do not know. But I couldn’t breathe without her.”

6. 有時(shí)，只有在分手后，你才知道愛(ài)情是什么。埃姆斯·耶茨(Eames Yates)和帕梅拉·泰勒(Pamela Taylor)2006年在科羅拉多州斯諾馬斯鎮(zhèn)結(jié)婚之前，曾經(jīng)分開(kāi)過(guò)一段時(shí)間，那讓耶茨感到極度痛苦。不過(guò)那也讓他醒悟了：“現(xiàn)在我知道愛(ài)是什么了，”他說(shuō)，“愛(ài)就是某個(gè)人成了你呼吸的一部分，具體怎么回事我不知道。但是沒(méi)有她，我無(wú)法呼吸。”

7. Billboards and big diamonds are not necessary for proposals to be romantic. This is how Gabriela Power Porto described the marriage proposal Peter Castaldi put forth, more than two decades ago, one of the sweetest I ever heard: “When he gave me the ring, he said: ‘It’s not a big stone you can’t carry around. This ring won’t put you in danger on the subways.’ He said, ‘This is a solid ring, like my promises.’”

7. 廣告牌和大鉆石不是浪漫求婚的必備條件。這是加布麗埃拉·鮑爾·波爾托(Gabriela Power Porto)對(duì)20多年前彼得·卡斯塔爾迪(Peter Castaldi)求婚情景的描述。那是我聽(tīng)過(guò)的最甜蜜的求婚故事之一：“他給我戒指時(shí)說(shuō)：‘這個(gè)戒指不大，不至于讓你無(wú)法戴著它四處行走，也不會(huì)讓你在地鐵上遇到危險(xiǎn)。’他說(shuō)，‘但它很結(jié)實(shí)，和我的承諾一樣。’”

8. How should you feel on your wedding day? There are no rules, but this is how Ryan Baker described the day of his 1995 wedding to Brett Savage: “It was like a dream. It was surreal. In life, you don’t have to search for bad things — they find you without a problem. Disasters always seem to know your address, even if you move. But the good times, they’re hard to find, and this one was one of those truly spectacular times.”

8. 婚禮當(dāng)天應(yīng)該是什么感受?這沒(méi)什么規(guī)定，不過(guò)瑞安·貝克(Ryan Baker)是這樣描述1995年他與布蕾特·薩維奇(Brett Savage)結(jié)婚那天的情景的：“它就像一個(gè)夢(mèng)。它是超現(xiàn)實(shí)的。在生活中，你不必去尋找壞事——它毫不費(fèi)力就能找到你。災(zāi)難似乎總是知道你的地址，就算搬家也躲不開(kāi)。但美好的時(shí)光很難尋找，這是真正美好的時(shí)光之一。”

9. Of all the homemade vows I’ve heard, one spoken by Melissa Richard during her 1996 wedding to Frank J. Oteri sums up the reason we continue to marry, against the odds: “Of my own accord, I present myself, my days, my nights and my life. I present them freely and willingly because they cannot be better spent than in your company.” More than a few couples I’ve interviewed have described love as a good conversation that lasts.

9. 在我聽(tīng)過(guò)的所有自己寫的誓言中，梅莉莎·理查(Melissa Richard)在1996年的婚禮上對(duì)弗蘭克·J·奧特里(Frank J. Oteri)說(shuō)出的誓言總結(jié)了我們克服困難繼續(xù)選擇結(jié)婚的原因：“我自愿奉上我自己，奉上我的白天和黑夜，奉上我的生活。我自由、自愿地奉上它們，因?yàn)橹挥性谀愕呐惆橄?，它們才更美好?rdquo;我采訪的夫妻中有不少人把愛(ài)情描述為一場(chǎng)能持續(xù)下去的良好對(duì)話。

10. However, nothing lasts forever (unless you believe in reincarnation). The Rev. William G. Kalaidjian, who was known as Reverend Bill and died in 2015, was the officiant at one of the first weddings I covered, in 1992. He lived in a house full of noisy clocks. “I like to hear the tick, tick, tick of clocks,” he said. “I always tell the couples I marry, ‘Take time before time takes you.’”

10. 然而，沒(méi)有什么能永存(除非你相信輪回轉(zhuǎn)世)。2015年去世的威廉·G·卡萊吉安牧師(William G. Kalaidjian)——人們愛(ài)稱他為比爾牧師——主持了1992年我最初報(bào)道的幾場(chǎng)婚禮中的一場(chǎng)。他住在一個(gè)裝滿嘈雜鐘表的房子里。“我喜歡傾聽(tīng)鐘表滴答滴答的聲音，”他說(shuō)，“我總是對(duì)我主持婚禮的夫妻說(shuō)，‘在時(shí)光把你們帶走之前，好好享受它。’”