為什么承認(rèn)錯(cuò)誤這么難
不管你的意愿如何強(qiáng)烈，又做出多大努力，這是不可避免的：在生命的某個(gè)時(shí)候，你會(huì)犯錯(cuò)。
Mistakes can be hard to digest, so sometimes we double down rather than face them. Our confirmation bias kicks in, causing us to seek out evidence to prove what we already believe. The car you cut off has a small dent in its bumper, which obviously means that it is the other driver’s fault.
錯(cuò)誤難以消化，所以我們有時(shí)會(huì)孤注一擲，而非面對(duì)它們。這時(shí)候，我們?cè)诖_認(rèn)事務(wù)的認(rèn)知上會(huì)有偏誤，導(dǎo)致我們尋求證據(jù)來證明自己已有的信念。比如，被你加塞擋在后面的車的保險(xiǎn)杠上有一個(gè)小凹痕，這顯然意味著是那個(gè)司機(jī)的錯(cuò)。
Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance — the stress we experience when we hold two contradictory thoughts, beliefs, opinions or attitudes. For example, you might believe you are a kind and fair person, so when you rudely cut someone off, you experience dissonance. To cope with it, you deny your mistake and insist the other driver should have seen you, or you had the right of way even if you didn’t.
心理學(xué)家稱之為認(rèn)知失調(diào)，即當(dāng)我們持有兩種相互沖突的想法、信念、觀點(diǎn)或態(tài)度時(shí)所感受的壓力。比如，你可能認(rèn)為自己是個(gè)善良、公正的人，那么當(dāng)你粗暴地加塞到其他人前面時(shí)，便會(huì)經(jīng)歷這種失調(diào)。為了應(yīng)對(duì)它，你會(huì)否認(rèn)自己的錯(cuò)誤，堅(jiān)稱那個(gè)司機(jī)本該看見你，或你有先行權(quán)，盡管事實(shí)并非如此。
“Cognitive dissonance is what we feel when the self-concept — I’m smart, I’m kind, I’m convinced this belief is true — is threatened by evidence that we did something that wasn’t smart, that we did something that hurt another person, that the belief isn’t true,” said Carol Tavris, a co-author of the book “Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me).”
“認(rèn)識(shí)失調(diào)是我們?cè)谧晕艺J(rèn)知——我是聰明、善良的，我堅(jiān)信這是真的——受到證據(jù)挑戰(zhàn)時(shí)產(chǎn)生的感受，這些證據(jù)顯示我們做了不聰明的、傷害其他人的事，證明我們之前的想法是錯(cuò)的，”《錯(cuò)不在我》[Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)]一書的作者之一卡羅爾·塔夫里斯(Carol Tavris)說。
She added that cognitive dissonance threatened our sense of self.
她還表示，認(rèn)知失調(diào)威脅到了我們的自我感知。
“To reduce dissonance, we have to modify the self-concept or accept the evidence,” Ms. Tavris said. “Guess which route people prefer?”
“為了消除這種失調(diào)，我們必須修正自我認(rèn)知，或接受面前的證據(jù)，”塔夫里斯說。“猜猜人們?cè)敢膺x哪條路?”
Or maybe you cope by justifying your mistake. The psychologist Leon Festinger suggested the theory of cognitive dissonance in the 1950s when he studied a small religious group that believed a flying saucer would rescue its members from an apocalypse on Dec. 20, 1954. Publishing his findings in the book “When Prophecy Fails,” he wrote that the group doubled down on its belief and said God had simply decided to spare the members, coping with their own cognitive dissonance by clinging to a justification.
或許你會(huì)為自己的錯(cuò)誤去辯解，以此作為應(yīng)對(duì)。心理學(xué)家利昂·費(fèi)斯廷格(Leon Festinger) 在上世紀(jì)50年代提出了認(rèn)知失調(diào)理論，當(dāng)時(shí)他研究了一個(gè)小型宗教團(tuán)體，該團(tuán)體認(rèn)為飛碟能在1954年12月20日世界末日來臨時(shí)拯救其信眾。他在發(fā)表這項(xiàng)研究發(fā)現(xiàn)的《預(yù)言破滅時(shí)》(When Prophecy Fails)一書中寫道，這個(gè)團(tuán)體進(jìn)一步強(qiáng)化了自己的信仰，稱上帝只是決定饒其成員一命，這是通過死死抓住一種解釋來應(yīng)對(duì)自己的認(rèn)知失調(diào)。
“Dissonance is uncomfortable and we are motivated to reduce it,” Ms. Tavris said.
“失調(diào)讓人不適，我們會(huì)想要消除它，”塔夫里斯說。
When we apologize for being wrong, we have to accept this dissonance, and that is unpleasant. On the other hand, research has shown that it can feel good to stick to our guns. One study, published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, found that people who refused to apologize after a mistake had more self-esteem and felt more in control and powerful than those who did not refuse.
當(dāng)我們?yōu)殄e(cuò)誤道歉，就必須接受這種失調(diào)，那是令人不快的。另一方面，研究顯示固執(zhí)地堅(jiān)持自己的觀點(diǎn)則讓會(huì)人感覺良好。一項(xiàng)發(fā)表于《歐洲社會(huì)心理學(xué)雜志》(European Journal of Social Psychology)的研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，相比于不拒絕道歉的人，犯錯(cuò)后拒絕道歉的人自尊心更強(qiáng)，也會(huì)感覺自己更有掌控力、更強(qiáng)大。
“In a way, apologies give power to their recipients,” said Tyler Okimoto, an author of the study. “For example, apologizing to my wife admits my wrongdoing; but apologizing also gives her the power to choose whether she wants to alleviate my shame through forgiveness, or increase my shame by holding a grudge. Our research has found that people experience a short-term increase in their feelings of personal power and control after refusing to apologize.”
“從某種程度講，道歉是把力量交給了接受道歉的一方，”這項(xiàng)研究的作者泰勒·沖本(Tyler Okimoto)說。“比如，向妻子道歉等于承認(rèn)我的錯(cuò)誤;但道歉也讓她有權(quán)選擇是否通過原諒來減輕我的恥辱感，還是心懷怨念繼而加重我的羞恥感。我們的研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，在拒絕道歉之后，人們的力量感和控制感會(huì)在短時(shí)間內(nèi)上升。”
Feeling powerful may be an attractive short-term benefit, but there are long-term consequences. Refusing to apologize could potentially jeopardize “the trust on which a relationship is based,” Mr. Okimoto said, adding that it can extend conflict and encourage outrage or retaliation.
短期看，感覺強(qiáng)大或許是一個(gè)有吸引力的好處，但它也會(huì)帶來長期的后果。拒絕道歉可能會(huì)危及“一段關(guān)系賴以存在的信任”，沖本說。他還表示，它會(huì)擴(kuò)大沖突，容易引發(fā)憤怒情緒或招致報(bào)復(fù)。
When you refuse to admit your mistakes, you are also less open to constructive criticism, experts said, which can help hone skills, rectify bad habits and improve yourself over all.
專家們表示，當(dāng)你拒絕承認(rèn)自己的錯(cuò)誤時(shí)，你對(duì)建設(shè)性批評(píng)的開放心態(tài)也會(huì)減弱，而后者有利于磨練技能，修正錯(cuò)誤的習(xí)慣和從整體上提升自我。
“We cling to old ways of doing things, even when new ways are better and healthier and smarter. We cling to self-defeating beliefs long past their shelf life,” Ms. Tavris said. “And we make our partners, co-workers, parents and kids really, really mad at us.”
“我們固守已有的處事方式，盡管新方式更好，更健康，更明智。我們堅(jiān)持那些早已過時(shí)、難以自圓的觀點(diǎn)，”塔夫里斯說。“我們讓自己的伴侶、同事、父母和孩子感到非常惱火。”
Another study, from the Stanford researchers Carol Dweck and Karina Schumann, found that subjects were more likely to take responsibility for their mistakes when they believed they had the power to change their behavior. This is easier said than done, though, so how exactly do you change your behavior and learn to embrace your mistakes?
斯坦福大學(xué)研究者卡蘿爾·德韋克(Carol Dweck)和卡林娜·舒曼(Karina Schumann)的另一項(xiàng)研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，人們?cè)谙嘈抛约河心芰Ω淖冏约旱男袨闀r(shí)，更可能為自己的錯(cuò)誤承擔(dān)責(zé)任。不過，這個(gè)說起來容易，做起來難，所以你到底該如何改變自己的行為，學(xué)會(huì)接受自己的錯(cuò)誤呢?
The first step is to recognize cognitive dissonance in action. Your mind will go to great lengths to preserve your sense of identity, so it helps to be aware of what that dissonance feels like. Typically, it manifests as confusion, stress, embarrassment or guilt. Those feelings do not necessarily mean you are in the wrong, but you can at least use them as reminders to explore the situation from an impartial perspective and objectively question whether you are at fault.
第一步是意識(shí)到行動(dòng)上的認(rèn)知失調(diào)。你的思想會(huì)竭盡全力維持你的一致感，所以，了解失調(diào)的感覺是怎樣的會(huì)有所幫助。通常情況下，失調(diào)感的表現(xiàn)是迷惑、壓力、尷尬或愧疚。這些感受不一定都意味著你有過失，但你至少可以用它們來提醒自己公正地思考當(dāng)時(shí)的情況，客觀地詢問自己是否有錯(cuò)。
Similarly, learn to recognize your usual justifications and rationalizations. Think of a time you were wrong and knew it, but tried to justify it instead. Remember how it felt to rationalize your behavior and pinpoint that feeling as cognitive dissonance the next time it happens.
同樣地，你還要意識(shí)到你通常會(huì)怎樣為自己的行為辯解。想想過去的一個(gè)例子：你做了錯(cuò)事，也知道自己錯(cuò)了，卻還努力辯解。記住你為自己的行為辯解時(shí)的感覺，下次再出現(xiàn)這種感覺時(shí)，能意識(shí)到它就是認(rèn)知失調(diào)的感覺。
Mr. Okimoto said it also helped to remember that people were often more forgiving than you might think. Traits like honesty and humility make you more human and therefore more relatable. On the flip side, if it is undeniably clear that you are in the wrong, refusing to apologize reveals low self-confidence.
沖本表示，記住人們往往比你以為的更寬容這一點(diǎn)可能有所幫助。誠實(shí)和謙遜等品質(zhì)讓你更有人情味，也因此更易親切。另一方面，如果你毫無疑問是過錯(cuò)方，那么拒絕道歉反而會(huì)顯得你不夠自信。
“If it is clear to everybody that you made a mistake,” Mr. Okimoto said, “digging your heels in actually shows people your weakness of character rather than strength.”
“如果大家都明顯看出你做了錯(cuò)事，”沖本說，“拒不道歉實(shí)際上會(huì)暴露出你的性格弱點(diǎn)，而不是優(yōu)點(diǎn)。”
