分手后老想著復(fù)合怎么辦？先想清楚這9個(gè)問(wèn)題

你是否只是太孤獨(dú)了?

This is the most important question. If you're feeling lonely or bored or listless, that is not the right reason to get back together. Take up knitting or something, it doesn't matter. Just don't get back together if this is your reason.

這是最關(guān)鍵的一點(diǎn)。如果你只是感到“空虛寂寞冷”，那么這不是復(fù)合的恰當(dāng)原因。做點(diǎn)編織或者無(wú)論什么其他事情，消磨下時(shí)間。如果這真的是你的理由，那最好還是算了。

2. Why Did You Break Up And Is It Still A Problem?

你還沒(méi)明白為何分手?

You need to be really honest about all the reasons you broke up and whether they're things that have actually been fixed.

你必須坦誠(chéng)地面對(duì)分手的原因，想明白那些導(dǎo)致分手的問(wèn)題是否已經(jīng)得到解決。

"According to the well-known couples researcher Dr. John Gottman, 69 percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems - and ALL couples have them," Pella Weisman, Dating Coach and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, tells Bustle. "It's inevitable that there are ongoing issues in any relationship, and this is OK, as long as they are things you can live with. If the issues are problematic, be honest with yourself about this. Even better, get an outside perspective from someone you trust." It may be that the issues are just too big to make it work.

情感專家兼婚姻家庭認(rèn)證治療師佩拉•威斯曼告訴Bustle網(wǎng)站：“根據(jù)著名研究員約翰•格特曼關(guān)于情侶關(guān)系的研究，69%的感情矛盾會(huì)一直存在——并且所有的情侶都會(huì)有。在任何關(guān)系中，矛盾都是不可避免的，這沒(méi)什么，只要你能接受。但是如果矛盾太深，你必須正視它。能夠聽(tīng)取一個(gè)值得信任的局外人的看法就更好了。”或許，矛盾本身就很嚴(yán)重以至于你們根本解決不了。

3. How Long Have You Given Yourself?

你給自己多久的時(shí)間?

You should always give yourself some breathing room. If you just broke up two days ago — or, if it was a long relationship, even two weeks or months ago — your mind hasn't settled yet. Getting back together is a big decision, so make sure you're in the right headspace.

你應(yīng)該給自己一些喘息的時(shí)間。如果你兩天前才分手，又或者剛從一段很長(zhǎng)久的戀情走出來(lái)兩個(gè)星期，或者兩個(gè)月，你的心還沒(méi)有安定下來(lái)。復(fù)合是一項(xiàng)重大的決定，所以一定要確保給自己留足了空間。

4. Are They Promising To Change?

對(duì)方承諾要有所改變了嗎?

“The only reason you should ever get back together with an ex is because you’re willing to accept them exactly as they are,” sex and relationship expert Ravid Yosef tells Bustle. “Acceptance, no matter the circumstances, is the only way that you can make it when that thing that was wrong in the first place creeps up again.” If they're promising to change, you can't fall for it. You need to be sure you love them just as they are.

兩性情感專家拉維德•約瑟夫告訴Bustle：“你與前任復(fù)合的唯一理由，應(yīng)當(dāng)是你能接受對(duì)方真實(shí)的模樣。無(wú)論什么情況，包容是在你們之間的老問(wèn)題又重新出現(xiàn)時(shí)，你唯一能做的事。”如果前任承諾改變，你不能輕易相信。你要確保自己愛(ài)的就是對(duì)方本來(lái)的樣子。

5. Are You Good Communicators?

你善于溝通嗎?

Communication is a must if you're going to get your relationship back on track. "Many couples have problems communicating about conflict, especially if each partner has a different communication style," Weisman says. If you can't find a way to reach each other, reconciliation is going to be near-impossible.

如果你想讓你們的關(guān)系回到正軌，溝通是必須的。威斯曼稱：“許多情侶無(wú)法就矛盾進(jìn)行溝通，尤其當(dāng)雙方的交流方式不同時(shí)。”如果你找不到一個(gè)互相了解的方法，和解幾乎是不可能的。

6. Is This Just Because They're In Your Orbit?

或許你想復(fù)合只是因?yàn)樗?jīng)常出現(xiàn)在你身邊?

If you're on the same course or in the same office or have friends in common, it may just be that you're seeing too much of them and it's making you think you should be back together. “Staying too close with them and spending too much time with them does not allow you to move on from them, or to meet new people,” psychologist and love expert Dr. Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. Make sure you give yourself a healthy distance.

如果你們同修一門課、在同一個(gè)辦公室工作或有共同的朋友，可能你只是因?yàn)樘?jīng)?？吹綄?duì)方，才萌生了復(fù)合的想法。心理學(xué)家兼愛(ài)情專家尼基•馬丁內(nèi)斯博士告訴Bustle：“和對(duì)方接觸太親密，以及花過(guò)多時(shí)間在他們身上，會(huì)讓你無(wú)法放下過(guò)去，認(rèn)識(shí)新的人。”要確保你們保持恰當(dāng)?shù)木嚯x。

7. Do You Want To Put The Time In?

你真的愿意為這段關(guān)系投入時(shí)間嗎?

Getting back together and making a relationship work takes a lot of investment. You need to be prepared to put in the time and energy — and feel sure that your ex will do the same.

想要重修舊好需要投入很多精力。你必須準(zhǔn)備好投入時(shí)間、心思，并確信你的另一半也會(huì)如此。

8. Are You Just Horny?

你只是太饑渴嗎?

Are you? No judgement, but it's probably not a good enough reason to get back into a relationship that wasn't working the first time.

是這樣嗎?無(wú)意冒犯，但因此恢復(fù)一段原本不合適的戀情，可能不是一個(gè)好理由。

9. Are You Scared To Be Single?

你是害怕單身嗎?

Too many people run back to the last person they were with because they're scared of being single — even though it can be a life-changing experience. "It can actually be a time to learn more about oneself and experience the greatest self-growth,” psychotherapist Mary Beth Somich tells Bustle. “Feeling lonely as a result of being single can actually inspire individuals to have new experiences that they would not have put themselves out there for otherwise."

太多的人是因?yàn)楹ε聠紊聿呕氐角叭紊磉叄M管這項(xiàng)決定可能會(huì)影響他們的一生。心理學(xué)家瑪麗•貝思•索密克告訴Bustle：“單身實(shí)際上是一個(gè)了解自我與自我成長(zhǎng)的絕佳機(jī)會(huì)。 當(dāng)人們因單身而感到孤獨(dú)時(shí)，實(shí)際上會(huì)促使他們?nèi)ンw驗(yàn)戀愛(ài)時(shí)不會(huì)嘗試的新鮮經(jīng)歷。”

Getting back together may feel like a good idea, and sometimes it is. Sometimes. Make sure you're taking a long, hard look at your past relationship and your reasons for wanting to get back together before you jump into anything.

有時(shí)與前任復(fù)合可能是個(gè)好主意，但也只是有時(shí)罷了。在急于復(fù)合之前，你必須要確保對(duì)曾經(jīng)的感情和復(fù)合的理由深思熟慮過(guò)。