配偶應(yīng)該成為你比較好的朋友嗎？
這種說法無處不在，以至于我們幾乎對其充耳不聞。“你仍然是我最好的朋友，”米歇爾·奧巴馬(Michelle Obama)在慶祝她與貝拉克·奧巴馬(Barack Obama)結(jié)婚25周年的Instagram帖子中向其吐露衷腸。
It’s common at award shows, as when Justin Timberlake said not long ago, “I want to thank my best friend, my favorite collaborator, my wife, Jessica.” It’s common on how-to sites, where authors write articles on “nurturing a friendship” with your spouse.
它常常出現(xiàn)在頒獎典禮上，比如賈斯汀·汀布萊克(Justin Timberlake)不久前就表示，“我要感謝我最好的朋友，我心愛的合作者，我的妻子杰西卡(Jessica)。”它常常出現(xiàn)在指南類網(wǎng)站上，其作者會寫一些教你如何與配偶“培養(yǎng)友誼”的文章。
Like the living dead, another oxymoron, spouse-friends, are all around us these days. Maybe it’s the heightened attention on friendship in social media; maybe it’s the decline of actual friends in our lives; maybe it’s because we all have access to public declarations of once-private relationships. Whatever the reason, referring to your spouse as your bestie, your bud, or your #BFF has become rampant.
和矛盾修辭法的另一個例子“活死人”一樣，現(xiàn)今，“配偶兼朋友”在我們周遭頗為常見。也許是因為友誼在社交媒體上受到高度關(guān)注;也許是因為生活中真正的朋友正在遠(yuǎn)去;也許是因為我們都有了把曾經(jīng)私密的關(guān)系公諸于眾的渠道。不論是什么原因，把配偶稱為bestie(死黨)、bud(朋友)或#BFF(一生的摯友)這種情況堪稱泛濫。
So rampant, in fact, there’s even a backlash. “Why Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend” one marital advice blog declares.
泛濫到了招致反彈的程度。“為什么說你的配偶不應(yīng)該是你最好的朋友”，一個婚姻咨詢博客以這樣的標(biāo)題表明態(tài)度。
So which is it? Is considering your spouse your closest friend a sign of hard-earned intimacy, attachment and trust, or is it a sign you’ve become so enmeshed in the day-to-day logistics of managing your lives that you’ve given up sexual attraction, passion and erotic play? Has marriage become little more than benefits with friendship?
那么，這到底是怎么回事?把配偶當(dāng)成最親密的朋友是標(biāo)志著來之不易的親密、依戀和信任，還是標(biāo)志著你忙于應(yīng)對日常生活中的柴米油鹽，無暇顧及性吸引、激情和夫妻間的情趣?婚姻帶來的好處已經(jīng)和友誼相差無幾了嗎?
There is some research into this question. John Helliwell is a professor at the Vancouver School of Economics and the editor of the World Happiness Report. As he researched social connections a few years ago, he found that everyone derives benefits from online friends and real-life friends, but the only friends that boost our life satisfaction are real friends.
有人對這個問題做了一些研究。約翰·海利韋爾(John Helliwell)是溫哥華經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)院(Vancouver School of Economics)的教授以及《世界幸福度報告》(World Happiness Report)的編輯。他幾年前研究社會關(guān)系時發(fā)現(xiàn)，網(wǎng)絡(luò)上的朋友和現(xiàn)實生活中的朋友都能讓人獲益，但只有真正的朋友才能提升我們的生活滿意度。
“But while the effects of real friends on your well-being is important for everybody,” he said, “they are less so for married people than for singles. That’s how we got to the idea that marriage is a kind of ‘super-friendship.'”
“不過，雖然對每個人而言，真正的朋友給幸福感帶來的影響都很重要，”他說，“但比起單身人士，已婚者受到的影響要小一些。因此我們才會覺得，婚姻是一種‘超級友誼’。”
Helliwell and a colleague discovered that a long-running study in Britain had data that may illuminate this question. From 1991 to 2009, the British Household Panel Survey asked 30,000 people to quantify their life satisfaction. In general, married people expressed higher satisfaction, he said, and were better able to manage the dip in well-being that most people experience in middle age, as they face work stress, caring for aging parents and other pressures.
海利韋爾和一名同事發(fā)現(xiàn)，英國的一項長期研究的數(shù)據(jù)或許有助于揭示這個問題。從1991年到2009年，英國家庭調(diào)查所(British Household Panel Survey)曾讓三萬人給自己的生活滿意度打分。他說，總體而言，已婚者滿意度較高，他們也能更好地應(yīng)對大多數(shù)人會遭遇的生活滿意度下降問題，比如人到中年，背負(fù)工作的壓力，照顧年邁雙親的責(zé)任以及其他種種壓力。
But an entirely separate part of the study asked people to name their best friend. Those who listed their spouse were twice as likely to have higher life satisfaction. Slightly more men than women made that choice, he said, “which makes sense, because men tend to have fewer friends.”
但在該研究另一個完全獨(dú)立的部分中，人們被要求說出自己最好的朋友的名字。那些把配偶列為最好的朋友的人，擁有較高滿意度的可能性要高出一倍。如此選擇的男性稍多于女性，他說“這是說得通的，因為男性的朋友往往更少一些。”
Is feeling this way about your spouse necessary for a good marriage? I asked.
對配偶的這種感覺是成就美滿婚姻的必要條件嗎?我問。
“Absolutely not,” Helliwell said. “The benefits of marriage are strong even for those who are littered with outside friends. It’s just bigger for those who consider their spouse their closest friend. It’s a bonus.”
“絕對不是，”海利韋爾說。“即便對那些在外面朋友很多的人來說，婚姻也大有好處。對那些認(rèn)為配偶是最親密朋友的人來說，好處還要更大。這是一種額外的收獲。”
Others are not so sure.
還有一些人則沒那么確定。
Amir Levine is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University, and the co-author of “Attached.” A student of social relations, Levine explained that everyone has what he calls a hierarchy of attachment, meaning if something bad happens to us, we have a ranking of the people we call. In our early decades, those on the highest rungs are usually our parents or other family members.
阿米爾·列文(Amir Levine)是哥倫比亞大學(xué)的精神病學(xué)家和神經(jīng)科學(xué)家，也是《依戀》(Attached)一書的合著者。研習(xí)社會關(guān)系的列文解釋說，每個人都有一個他所謂的依戀層級體系，意思是說，如果遇到不好的事情，我們向人求助時會有一個次序。年少的時候，位次最高的通常是我們的雙親或其他家人。
“The problem as you grow older is, how do you let somebody close who’s basically a total stranger?” he said. “Nature came up with a trick: It’s called attraction. Sexual attraction brings down all the barriers, lets you get close to a new person in a physical way that you don’t get close to your family.”
“問題是，隨著年紀(jì)漸長，你如何讓某個人靠近一個基本上完全陌生的人?”他說。“大自然想出了一個妙招：那就是吸引。性吸引會打破所有障礙，讓你從生理上親近一個新人——你并不會以那種方式親近自己的家人。”
Over time, of course, this physical connection wanes. While many bemoan this loss of titillation, Levine celebrates it. “It’s smart,” he said. “If you’re going to be crazy about the other person all the time, how are you going to raise kids? How are you going to be able to work?”
當(dāng)然了，假以時日，這種生理的聯(lián)結(jié)會褪色。很多人惋惜于歡愉的消退，列文卻表示贊許。“這很明智，”他說。“如果一直為另一個人瘋狂下去，你怎么撫養(yǎng)孩子?又怎么能好好工作?”
Instead of complaining, we should view this new phase as an achievement: “OK, now I have this person I’m attached to. I have the feeling of security. That’s what allows me to be an individual again and self-actualize.”
我們不應(yīng)該抱怨，而是應(yīng)該把這個新階段看作一種成就：“好了，我現(xiàn)在擁有了我迷戀的這個人。我有了安全感。這讓我可以重新變成獨(dú)立的人，專注于自我實現(xiàn)。”
Levine summarizes this feeling with the (somewhat awkward) acronym CARRP; your partner is consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable. But don’t we already have a word, “spouse,” that fits this description? I said. Why are we suddenly using the expression “best friend,” when that doesn’t seem to fit at all?
列文把這種感覺總結(jié)為(有點(diǎn)別扭的)首字母縮略詞CARRP;你有一個持久(consistent)、有空(available)、有反應(yīng)(responsive)、可靠(reliable)、可預(yù)測(predictable)的伴侶。但我們不是已經(jīng)有了與該描述相符的“配偶”一詞了嗎?我說。我們?yōu)槭裁赐蝗挥闷鹆?ldquo;最好的朋友”這種說法，看上去一點(diǎn)都不搭。
“Because not every spouse provides that,” he said, “and we’re indicating we don’t take it for granted. What we should probably be saying is ‘secure spouse.'”
“因為并非每位配偶都能提供這個，”他說，“我們想要表達(dá)的是我們并未將其視作理所當(dāng)然。我們或許應(yīng)該使用‘令人安心的配偶’這種說法。”
There’s yet another problem with calling your husband or wife your best friend. The words mean totally different things.
把丈夫或妻子稱為最好的朋友還有一個問題。這些詞的含義截然不同。
Peter Pearson and Ellyn Bader are founders of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and the authors of “Tell Me No Lies.” They’ve also been married for more than 30 years. Pearson said there’s a critical difference between a best friend and a spouse. “One of the criteria for a best friend is you feel unconditionally accepted,” he said. “Do I care if my buddy Mark is messy in the kitchen, leaves his bathroom a shambles and doesn’t pay his income taxes?”
彼得·皮爾森(Peter Pearson)和埃琳·巴德(Ellyn Bader)是加州門洛帕克伴侶研究所(Couples Institute)的創(chuàng)始人，以及《別對我撒謊》(Tell Me No Lies)一書的作者。他們倆還是結(jié)婚三十年多年的老夫老妻。皮爾森說最好的朋友和配偶之間有一個關(guān)鍵的差別。“最好的朋友的一個標(biāo)準(zhǔn)是無條件認(rèn)同，”他說。“如果我的朋友馬克把廚房搞得盆朝天碗朝地，把洗手間弄得一團(tuán)糟，還不繳納所得稅，我會在乎嗎?”
But with a spouse, he said, you can’t avoid these topics.
但他說，要是面對配偶，你就無法避免這些話題。
Bader said that when couples are just getting to know each other, they often say they’re companions, and she’s fine with that. When couples have been together 30, 40 or 50 years, they use similar language, and that can be the mark of a healthy relationship.
巴德說，伴侶們剛開始相互了解時，他們常說他們是同伴，她覺得這可以接受。當(dāng)伴侶們在一起已經(jīng)長達(dá)三四十年甚或五十年時間，他們會使用同一種說法，而這可以是一段健康關(guān)系的標(biāo)志。
“It’s the in-between ones, when they use the language of friendship, my stomach turns,” Bader said. “It’s a red flag for a lot of conflict avoidance and intensity avoidance. It often means they’ve given up on the complexity of being with somebody. Instead of saying, ‘Oh, well, that’s who they are,’ it’s better if they try to work things out.”
“有問題的是這兩者之間的那些，他們用這種友誼的說法，我就很不舒服，”巴德說。“這是一味回避沖突、回避緊張關(guān)系的危險信號。它常常意味著他們不愿再去面對和某人相處時的復(fù)雜問題。他們最好是設(shè)法解決問題，而不是說‘哦，好吧，他們就是那個樣子’。”
Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. “I think that’s what marriage is about,” she said. “It’s where some of the juices come from, and it’s also how you get the best out of the person you marry.”
巴德說，她希望通俗雜志能質(zhì)疑這樣一種理念：你不該抱著改變某人的念頭與其結(jié)婚。“我認(rèn)為那是婚姻的意義所在，”她說。“它是部分動力的來源，也是讓與你結(jié)婚的人展現(xiàn)出最美好一面的方法。”
