真歉意還是假客套：如何判別道歉是真心還是假意

Sorry seems to be the hardest word. So sang Elton John on one of his biggest 1970s hits - but not every public figure seems to find it so tough to utter that powerful five-letter word.

“對不起”似乎是最難說出口的詞，艾爾頓·約翰20世紀(jì)70年代發(fā)行過的同名熱單(Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word)就是這么唱的。不過，并不是每一位公眾人物都覺得這個頗有分量的詞難以啟齒。

In recent months a broad spectrum of public figures, from politicians, to Hollywood actors and YouTube stars have all publicly expressed remorse.

近幾個月來，各個領(lǐng)域的公眾人物，從政界人士到好萊塢演員再到Y(jié)ouTube明星，都曾公開表達(dá)過歉意。

But with so much remorse on the airwaves, just how can we differentiate a forced apology from a heartfelt expression of remorse?

但是電視屏幕上的這么多歉意，我們要如何分辨哪些道歉是被迫作出的，哪些是真心實意的懊悔呢?

In its purest form, saying sorry should be an "act of contrition, a realisation that something you have said or done has hurt someone and you want to make amends", says psychologist Geraldine Joaquim.

心理學(xué)家杰拉爾丁·若阿金說，最純粹的道歉應(yīng)該是一種“表達(dá)悔意的行為，意識到你所說或所做的事情給某人造成了傷害，而你想對此做出補(bǔ)償”。

Made early, a well-crafted apology can be hugely beneficial and can "diffuse the situation and takes the wind out of an accuser's sails", she says.

她說，如果早早地認(rèn)真道歉，將會非常有益，可以“緩和局勢，讓對方消氣”。

A need to say sorry can arise in someone's public life and equally at home with their family and friends but, whatever the environment, how well it is received depends on how personalised it feels.

在公共生活中以及和家人朋友相處的過程中都可能出現(xiàn)需要道歉的情況，無論是在哪種環(huán)境中，你的道歉能否被接受取決于有沒有說到對方心里去。

Experts say the formula for an affective apology can be summed up with the acronym CAR:

專家說，情真意切的道歉可以用縮寫CAR來概括：

"People want the response to be personal to them, to feel that they're being listened to and taken seriously," says Martin Stone, of PR agency Tank.

公關(guān)機(jī)構(gòu)Tank的馬丁·斯通說：“人們希望道歉能關(guān)乎他們個人，感覺到自己被傾聽，而且被認(rèn)真對待。”

He says that, in the professional sphere, the phrase "formal apology" is often used, but, in reality, the opposite is what is required.

他說，在專業(yè)領(lǐng)域里經(jīng)常用“正式道歉”這個短語，但事實上，人們需要的是非正式道歉。

From businesses, governments and organisations, a scripted response will fail to resonate as it will not convey empathy and compassion.

來自企業(yè)、政府和組織的道歉信無法讓人們產(chǎn)生共鳴，因為它不能傳達(dá)同理心和同情心。

Whether online or in person, the timing and choice of language in an apology are decisive factors.

無論是在網(wǎng)上道歉還是當(dāng)面道歉，道歉的時機(jī)和語言選擇都是決定因素。

"Firstly, it is important to show that you understand and sympathise," says Stone.

斯通說：“首先，應(yīng)該表示你理解對方的感受并且表示同情，這很重要。”

"It is vital that any business or individual making an apology understands the focus - is it sorry for the way it's acted or is it sorry that the complainant feels the way they do?"

“任何作出道歉的企業(yè)或個人都應(yīng)該理解的重點(diǎn)是：他們是為自己做事的方式感到懊悔，還是為造成抱怨者的不滿而抱歉?”

Spontaneity - watch out for the speed of response, the quicker the apology comes, the better indication that the person making it has felt an immediate sense of guilt

自發(fā)性——注意反應(yīng)的速度，道歉越早，越能顯示出道歉者是否立刻感到內(nèi)疚。

Body language - if genuine, the person making the apology will be looking for listening clues to see if they are being understood, such as eye contact and facial expressions

肢體語言——如果是真誠的道歉，道歉者會通過眼神交流和面部表情等細(xì)節(jié)來確定自己的話是否被理解。

Vulnerability - performed apologies always have a sense of being "acted out", and are often accompanied by too many theatrical gestures. If the person is genuine they will provide "humbling signals"', such as a lowered head, to indicate remorse and vulnerability

示弱——假裝的道歉總是有一種“表演”的感覺，通常伴有太多做作的姿勢。如果道歉者是真誠的，他們會傳遞出“謙卑的信號”，比如低下頭，來表示懊悔和示弱。

Denial gestures - the biggest clues of insincerity can come after the gesture itself, with non-verbal signals that silently reject the words used; this can include looking to the floor and smirking.

表示否認(rèn)的肢體語言——你可以從肢體語言中發(fā)現(xiàn)道歉者不真最明顯的線索，這種非言語信號會無聲地否認(rèn)道歉者所說的話;比如，看向地面、假笑等。

Linguistically it is also important to avoid dehumanising statements or promises that can't be kept.

從語言學(xué)上講，務(wù)必要避免沒有人性的言論或不能實現(xiàn)的諾言。

"Don't say that you'll ensure that this will not happen again if you're not confident it won't. It could come back to bite you," Stone explains.

斯通解釋道：“如果你沒把握以后不會再發(fā)生這種事，那就不要說這種話。這種承諾將來會回頭來找你麻煩。”

Equally, the use of "but" can hugely change the tone of an apology.

同樣，“但是”這個詞也會極大地改變道歉的語氣。

As Stone points out: "I'm sorry but…' sounds like you are making excuses and aren't actually taking any form of responsibility.

正如斯通指出的，“我很抱歉，但是……”聽上去就像你在找借口，而不是真的要承擔(dān)任何責(zé)任。

"It may be three letters but it can instantly make an apology seem hollow."

“‘但是’也許只有兩個字，卻會馬上讓你的道歉顯得毫無誠意。”