我丈夫說(shuō)，他想和他的前妻葬在一起

“There’s something I have to tell you,” John said.

“我有事要告訴你，”約翰說(shuō)。

Do you remember ever wanting to hear the sentence after that one? I don’t. “There’s something I have to tell you” has never, in the history of man, been followed by “We won the lottery” or “I have discovered a cure for blindness.” This is especially true when the person uttering that sentence is your husband, and he is about to die.

你有哪次在聽(tīng)到這句話之后，是想聽(tīng)到下一句的?我沒(méi)有過(guò)。“我有事要告訴你”，在男性的歷史上，這句話之后從來(lái)不是伴隨著“我們中了彩票”，或者“我找到了治愈失明的方法。”尤其是，說(shuō)這話的人是你的丈夫，而且他就要死了。

I’m not a big believer in deathbed confessions. I intend to keep it all to myself, unless my own “There’s something I have to tell you” is “You were always my favorite,” to whoever walks in the room.

我不是臨終懺悔的忠實(shí)信徒。我打算把一切想法都留給自己，我要說(shuō)的那句“我有事要告訴你”后面跟的肯定是一句“你永遠(yuǎn)是我的最愛(ài)”，無(wú)論走進(jìn)房間的人是誰(shuí)。

Everybody should be at my deathbed. You won’t regret it.

所有人都應(yīng)該來(lái)圍觀我的彌留之際。包您滿意。

John and I were lying in the cramped hospital bed that I had installed in my bedroom because I had decided to go full pioneer woman and tend to him myself. I’m still not sure why. Normally I am the queen of outsourcing. Also, I am a terrible nurse.

我和約翰躺在狹窄的病床上，這是我安裝在臥室里的，因?yàn)槲覜Q定當(dāng)一個(gè)徹底的先驅(qū)女性，親自照顧他。我也不知道這是為什么。平時(shí)我可是外包女王。另外，我是個(gè)糟糕的護(hù)士。

But my decision to care for him at home was made in an instant. He wanted to be here. Our 16-year-old twin boys desperately wanted him here. And so did I, despite the fact that this was the first time we had lived together in 25 years of marriage. We had always kept separate homes.

但我瞬間就決定要在家里照顧他。他想待在這里。我們16歲的雙胞胎兒子非常希望他待在這里。我也是，雖說(shuō)這是我們?cè)?5年的婚姻里第一次住在一起。我們一直都有各自獨(dú)立的住處。

A week earlier we had learned that John had three separate forms of cancer: pancreatic, liver and prostate. A “cancer overachiever,” as I told him. I can’t remember the Yiddish phrase his doctor used to describe the usefulness of chemo or radiation, but it roughly translated to “pissing in the wind.” Solid, barrel-chested, bearded and floppy-haired, John had always looked like a Bugs Bunny cartoon version of the opera singer he was. I adored his looks. Now he was a skeleton.

一周前，我們得知約翰患有三種不同的癌癥：胰腺癌、肝癌和前列腺癌。正如我告訴他的，簡(jiǎn)直是“癌癥高材生”。我沒(méi)記住他的醫(yī)生用來(lái)形容化療或放療效果的那個(gè)意第緒短語(yǔ)，但大致可以翻譯成“尿液在風(fēng)中飄”。約翰身強(qiáng)力壯、胸膛寬闊、留絡(luò)腮胡子、頭發(fā)蓬松，他是個(gè)歌劇歌手，不過(guò)看起來(lái)一直都像是兔八哥(Bugs Bunny)卡通版的歌劇歌手。我喜歡他的外表?，F(xiàn)在他已經(jīng)是一具骷髏。

John spoke with difficulty as he held my hand. “So, there’s something I have to tell you,” he said. “I made a certain promise to Amy.”

約翰握著我的手，說(shuō)起話來(lái)很吃力。“所以，我有事要告訴你，”他說(shuō)。“我對(duì)艾米(Amy)做過(guò)一個(gè)承諾。”

Amy was his former wife. She had died of breast cancer about 30 years ago, before John and I met.

艾米是他的前妻，30年前死于乳腺癌，那時(shí)我和約翰還沒(méi)認(rèn)識(shí)。

“I promised her,” he said, “that we would be buried together.”

“我答應(yīng)了她，”他說(shuō)，“我們要葬在一起。”

Oh.

噢。

It turns out that when John said he had kept Amy close, he hadn’t been speaking metaphorically; she was in his closet at his studio apartment. Could I fetch her? Also, could I find her passport and death certificate? I would need them to carry out his plan.

約翰曾說(shuō)艾米一直在他身邊，結(jié)果事實(shí)證明，這話不是什么比喻;她就在他單間公寓的柜子里。我能把她接過(guò)來(lái)嗎?另外，我能找到她的護(hù)照和死亡證明嗎?要執(zhí)行他的計(jì)劃，我就需要這些東西。

There was a field in Northern England where John had played as a child. He wanted to be buried there. With Amy. But not scattered. The field still existed, but the area was no longer so rural, and John didn’t want to end up blanketing a local parking lot.

英格蘭北部有一片田野，約翰小時(shí)候曾在那里玩耍。他想被葬在那里。和艾米一起。但不是把骨灰灑在那兒。那片田野還在，但那個(gè)地方已經(jīng)不完全是農(nóng)村了，約翰不希望自己的骨灰到頭來(lái)全都灑在當(dāng)?shù)氐耐＼噲?chǎng)。

So I was to take his box of ashes and Amy’s, get a shovel and probably a flashlight, because this was illegal so we’d need to do it at night, the funereal equivalent of a dine-and-dash. Joining me would be John’s 90-year-old sister and his nephew, along with our sons, Henry and Gus, who were currently far more focused on the adventure of the illicit burial than on what it all meant.

所以我得帶上他和艾米的骨灰盒，拿上一把鏟子，可能還有一個(gè)手電筒——因?yàn)檫@樣做是非法的，所以我們得在晚上干這件事，有點(diǎn)像葬禮版的吃完霸王餐趕快跑。約翰90歲的姐姐和他的外甥也會(huì)和我同去，還有我們的兒子亨利(Henry)和加斯(Gus)，目前他們更關(guān)心這場(chǎng)非法葬禮歷險(xiǎn)本身，而不是它意味著什么。

“I’d always been sure you’d go first,” John added, sadly.

“我本來(lái)一直都相信你會(huì)先走一步，”約翰悲傷地補(bǔ)充說(shuō)。

The fact that I am 30 years younger had in no way deterred him from this thought. John seemed the grumpiest of men, but in key ways he was an optimist.

我比他年輕30歲這一事實(shí)并沒(méi)有阻止他產(chǎn)生這種想法。約翰看上去似乎是個(gè)脾氣最糟的男人，但在某些關(guān)鍵方面，他是樂(lè)觀主義者。

“And of course I would have followed your instructions for your own burial,” he said. “I would have cremated you and placed you in the mausoleum with your parents. I know you wanted nothing more.”

“當(dāng)然，我會(huì)按照你的指示安排你的葬禮，”他說(shuō)。“我會(huì)火化你，把你和你父母一起安葬在陵園里。我知道你別無(wú)他求。”

This didn’t seem the time to point out that for at least 10 years I had been telling him that I loathed the mausoleum, that I had arranged for my body to be donated to a medical school, and that I had put aside money for a big party afterward.

現(xiàn)在似乎已經(jīng)沒(méi)有時(shí)間指出，至少10年來(lái)，我一直告訴他，我厭惡陵園，我已安排好，把我的遺體捐贈(zèng)給醫(yī)學(xué)院，而且還留出錢來(lái)舉辦一個(gè)事后的盛大派對(duì)。

John never listened. That, combined with his almost comical frugality (I already had been warned I would need to find the cheapest cremation place in New York) had often threatened to sink our marriage. But I guess I could save that conversation to have with myself, late at night. Plenty of time for that. Not much time for anything else.

約翰從不好好聽(tīng)我說(shuō)話。這一點(diǎn)，再加上他那近乎滑稽可笑的節(jié)儉(我已經(jīng)被警告過(guò)，我得在紐約找個(gè)最便宜的火化場(chǎng))，經(jīng)常威脅到我們的婚姻。但我想我可以等到夜深人靜時(shí)再來(lái)和自己進(jìn)行這種對(duì)話。還有很多時(shí)間可以那樣做。眼前沒(méi)有太多時(shí)間去做其他事情了。

We talked and talked. “I was a good husband, wasn’t I?” he said. “At least I didn’t chase after girls.” (No, I thought a little churlishly. Because then you would have had to pay for them.) “You were wonderful,” I said. Both thoughts were true.

我們聊了很多。“我是個(gè)好丈夫，不是嗎?”他說(shuō)。“至少我沒(méi)有去追別的女孩子。”(不，我有點(diǎn)小肚雞腸地想。要是追別的女孩，到時(shí)你還得給她們買單。)“你很棒，”我說(shuō)。這兩種想法都是真實(shí)的。

He wanted to make sure I understood his plan. But about 30 minutes into this conversation, he suddenly looked sheepish, as if it had just occurred to him that his wife of 25 years may not actually be on board to carry out this promise he had made to his former wife more than three decades earlier.

他想確保我理解他的計(jì)劃。但是這次對(duì)話進(jìn)行到大約30分鐘的時(shí)候，他突然看起來(lái)很難為情，好像剛剛才突然想到，和他結(jié)婚25年的妻子可能不會(huì)真的舟車勞頓，去履行他在30多年前對(duì)前妻所作的承諾。

“You don’t have to do this right away,” he said. “In fact, you could wait until you go, and then have the boys take all three of us. That would be fine too.”

“你不用馬上做這件事，”他說(shuō)。“其實(shí)，你可以等到你去世后，讓兒子們把我們?nèi)齻€(gè)埋在一起。那也很好。”

“Um,” I said.

“嗯，”我說(shuō)。

Amy was Midwestern, blond, aristocratic and gracious, an accomplished equestrian and mezzo-soprano 17 years older than John. Before she got sick, they had worked their way across Europe, singing at all the big opera houses. She was everything I am not.

艾米是中西部人，金發(fā)，高貴優(yōu)雅，比約翰年長(zhǎng)17歲，是一位頗有成就的馬術(shù)師和女中音。在她生病之前，他們一直在歐洲各地工作，在所有大歌劇院唱歌。她和我可謂截然不同。

John and I used to joke that the only thing he and I had in common was a mutual antipathy for fish. Amy and John shared everything. He loved us both, and he made a family with me. But I never kid myself.

約翰和我曾經(jīng)開(kāi)玩笑說(shuō)，我倆唯一的共同點(diǎn)就是都討厭魚(yú)。但艾米卻能和他分享一切。我們兩個(gè)他都愛(ài)，他和我一起組建了家庭。但我從不自欺欺人。

I explained the situation to my friend Hilary over lunch, including the part where I could hold off on the burial until my own demise. “I really don’t want to be their ashy third wheel,” I groused.

吃午飯時(shí)，我向朋友希拉莉(Hilary)解釋了我的處境，包括我可以把葬禮推遲到我死后這件事。“我真不想當(dāng)他倆的骨灰電燈泡，”我抱怨說(shuō)。

“Here’s what you do,” Hilary said. “You put Amy in some sort of suspicious container — something metal that the T.S.A. people can’t see through in the screening. Amy looks like a bomb. Oops! The T.S.A. will just have to keep her. Oh well! You tried.”

“你就這么干，”希拉莉說(shuō)。“你把艾米放在什么可疑的容器里——金屬容器，美國(guó)運(yùn)輸安全署的人掃描不出是什么東西。艾米看上去像個(gè)炸彈。哎呦!運(yùn)輸安全署會(huì)把她扣下來(lái)。好吧!你已經(jīng)盡力了。”

I could have explained instead of laughing, I suppose. But it’s hard, without sounding saccharine. One of the things I loved about my husband was that he kept his promises — even stupid ones that made no difference to anyone but himself. You wanted a light bulb changed? It was going to be changed, exactly at the time he said, and it would be with the 60-watt bulb, not the 100, because … who the hell knows, he had his reasons.

我想，我本該向她解釋，而不是大笑起來(lái)。但是要解釋很難，而且聽(tīng)上去肯定會(huì)顯得故作多情。我丈夫讓我喜歡的一點(diǎn)就是他總會(huì)遵守承諾——即使是一些對(duì)除了他之外的任何人都沒(méi)有影響的愚蠢諾言。你要換個(gè)燈泡?那他就會(huì)按照他說(shuō)好的時(shí)間換上，而且會(huì)是60瓦，不是100瓦，因?yàn)?hellip;…誰(shuí)知道呢，他有他的理由。

This punctiliousness and attention to detail meant he didn’t make promises freely, and he said “No” to life far more often than he said “Yes.” But also, this reliability was at the center of his John-ness. He lived small. But he loved deep.

這種一絲不茍和對(duì)細(xì)節(jié)的關(guān)注意味著他不會(huì)隨意承諾什么，他對(duì)生活說(shuō)“不”比說(shuō)“是”的時(shí)候多。但是，這樣的忠誠(chéng)可靠是約翰性格的核心。他活得渺小。但他愛(ài)得深沉。