女性家長們，你是否為家庭旅行計(jì)劃絕望過？

女性家長們，你是否為家庭旅行計(jì)劃絕望過？

When the halloween candy goes on sale and the dulcet tones of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" are piping out of every store speaker, it can mean GO TIME for some folks.

當(dāng)萬圣節(jié)糖果開始銷售，瑪麗亞·凱莉的《我的圣誕禮物只有你》的悅耳音調(diào)從每個(gè)商店的揚(yáng)聲器中傳出時(shí)，對一些人來說，這可能意味著該走了。

But there are also a lot of people , holidays can mean exhaustion, confronting familial trauma, managing your uncle's opinions and all kinds of overload.

但也有很多人，假期意味著疲憊、面對家庭創(chuàng)傷、處理好叔叔的意見以及各種各樣的負(fù)擔(dān)。

We asked Life Kit listeners for their trickiest situations around family and the holidays and invited Dr. Andrea Bonior, Licenced Clinical Psychologist to offer advice. Here are some excerpts of the letters we received along with some advice that will hopefully help you weather this holiday season with strength if the cheer and goodwill are hard to find.

我們向“生活工具箱”的聽眾詢問了他們在家庭和假期中遇到的最棘手的情況，并邀請了安德烈亞·博尼奧爾博士提供建議。博尼奧爾博士是一名有執(zhí)照的臨床心理學(xué)家。以下是我們收到的信件的一些摘錄，以及一些建議，如果你很難找到快樂和善意，希望這些建議能幫助你堅(jiān)強(qiáng)地度過這個(gè)假期。

We're only using first names to identify the people who wrote in with questions, since their inquiries involve family relationships and are sensitive in nature.

我們只是用名字來確定寫信來詢問的人，因?yàn)樗麄兊膯栴}涉及家庭關(guān)系，本質(zhì)上很敏感。

"The message that I hear around the holidays is that it's all about family. But I don't have that. It becomes stressful to try and find something I can do to fill that for Thanksgiving and for Christmas which seems to last for a full two months.

“我在節(jié)日期間聽到的信息是，這一切都與家庭有關(guān)。但我沒有。我很有壓力，因?yàn)槲蚁胝尹c(diǎn)事來填滿似乎會持續(xù)兩個(gè)月的感恩節(jié)和圣誕節(jié)。
— Tory

—托里

My Family Doesn't Accept Me

我的家人不接受我

"I came out as a trans woman to my family several months ago and I haven't had a holiday with my extended family yet. I know my mom is coming around but my dad isn't and no extended family knows. I'm worried about whether I'll have to pretend to be a boy for a week or if I'll even be welcome at all. I'm dreading constantly being misgendered and treated like the nephew grandson I always presented to them rather than who I actually am. I'm dreading disguising myself just to make my family happy at my own expense."

“幾個(gè)月前，我以變性女性的身份來到我家，但我還沒有和家人一起度假。我知道我媽媽會回來，但我爸爸不會，其他家人還不知道（我的情況）。我擔(dān)心這一周我得假裝成一個(gè)男孩，或者我會不會受到歡迎。我害怕我的性別經(jīng)常被誤解，被當(dāng)成我經(jīng)常表現(xiàn)給他們的外甥和外孫（的形象），而不是真正的我。我害怕只為了讓我的家人開心偽裝我自己，而犧牲自己的利益。”

— Vivian

—薇薇安

"My husband and I are white and adopted our son from South America many years ago. Last year, at 30, he spended all of Thanksgiving in mourning and protest for the horrible things that have been perpetrated on native peoples. While I sympathize I view Thanksgiving as time to spend with friends and family to enjoy a good meal and to socialize. He has also become vegan. I want to be respectful of his very real concerns and choices but the rest of my family is not understanding and feels resentment that he doesn't just fit in. If I side with my son, the rest of the family suffers. If I side with the rest of my family, my son suffers."

“我和我丈夫是白人，多年前從南美收養(yǎng)了我們的兒子。去年，在他（我兒子）30歲的時(shí)候，他整個(gè)感恩節(jié)都在哀悼和抗議那些對原住民犯下的可怕罪行。雖然我感到同情，我認(rèn)為感恩節(jié)是花時(shí)間與朋友和家人享受美食和社交。他也成為了素食主義者。我想尊重他真正關(guān)心的問題和選擇，但我的家人并不理解他，對他不能融入（我們）感到不滿。如果我站在兒子一邊，其他家庭成員就會受苦。如果我站在我的家人一百年，我的兒子就會受苦。”

— Laura

—勞拉

Everyone's Needs Are More Important Than Mine

每個(gè)人的需要都比我的重要

"Experience has shown me that someone always forgets something important. So I have just maintained the sanity as much as possible by planning everything. I make a checklist and just start marking things off so that nothing is left behind that is important in keeping the peace on the road trip. Then there's the issue of traveling with an 85-year-old man who has to urinate almost before we pull out of the driveway, and together with my husband who is not the most understanding person about the needs of an 85-year-old man. Then I have two sons and a daughter. My daughter's needs, equally, are as important as my 85-year-old father. She also needs to go to the restroom often enough that it makes my husband crazy. So, there's that battle. There's the battle of arriving, of course, with peace and safely. The last person on the list for any of these road trip necessities is myself.

“經(jīng)驗(yàn)告訴我，有些人總是會忘記一些重要的事情。所以我只是盡可能地通過計(jì)劃每件事來保持理智。我制定了一份清單，然后開始做標(biāo)記，這樣就不會留下任何重要的東西，這對保持公路旅行的和平是很重要的。” 還有一個(gè)問題是，我要和一個(gè)85歲的老人一起旅行，他幾乎在我們駛出車道之前就得小便，而我的丈夫?qū)?5歲老人的需求卻不是最了解的人。然后我有兩個(gè)兒子和一個(gè)女兒。我女兒的需求和我85歲的父親一樣重要。她還需要經(jīng)常去洗手間，這足以讓我丈夫發(fā)瘋。就會有一場戰(zhàn)爭，當(dāng)然，這場戰(zhàn)爭沒有硝煙。當(dāng)然，這是一場帶著和平與安全抵達(dá)的戰(zhàn)斗。清單上最后一個(gè)有旅途需求的人是我自己。

— Yolanda
— 尤蘭達(dá)
 

This listener has really hit the nail on the head of what the holidays can be in some families: a time when everyone in a very, very large group is putting their needs on one (or a few) of the family's matriarchs who are struggling to do a TON of emotional, physical and mental labor in the interest of the holidays. Dr. Bonior says this is very common. "I hear this from so many women in particular, it's certainly not exclusive to them," she says.

這位聽眾真的一針見血地指出了一些家庭的節(jié)日中的情況：一個(gè)非常大的群體中的每個(gè)人都把他們的需求放在一個(gè)(或幾個(gè))家庭的女家長身上，她們?yōu)榱思倨诘拈_心而努力做大量的情感、體力和腦力勞動。博尼奧爾博士說這是非常普遍的。“我從很多女性那里聽到過這樣的話，這肯定不是她們獨(dú)有的”她說。

Here are a few takeaways that can help you through tough situations with family this holiday season:

以下是一些能幫助你在這個(gè)假期與家人度過難關(guān)的建議:

1. Find your own meaning for the holiday season.

找到你自己的節(jié)日意義。

2. If you know it's gonna be hard: find an ally and have an escape plan.

如果你知道這很難:找一個(gè)盟友，制定一個(gè)逃跑計(jì)劃。

3. If someone is upset about something, share their concerns.

如果有人對某事感到沮喪，分享他們的憂慮。

4. Ask for the support you need.

尋求你需要的支持。