那些年媽媽放過的狠話，簡(jiǎn)直讓我笑掉頭……
母親節(jié)到了。提到母親，高頻詞總繞不開“愛”、“犧牲”、“做飯”、“喂奶”、“操心”這些字眼。然而，拋開傳統(tǒng)女主內(nèi)的育兒分工和家務(wù)勞動(dòng)，媽媽們，在社會(huì)建構(gòu)的“母職”宏大敘事之外，也可以很有趣。
一起來看看別人家的媽媽是什么畫風(fēng)。
1. Because I said so!
因?yàn)槭俏艺f噠！
2. My mom used to scare me with this one: “Put on clean underwear! If you get hit by a bus, all the nurses will see those dirty ones!”. Always wondered which situation would have been worse.
我媽以前會(huì)這么說來嚇唬我：“給我穿條干凈內(nèi)褲！不穿的話想想要是你被公交車撞了，護(hù)士們就會(huì)看到你的臟內(nèi)褲。” 這估計(jì)是最糟糕的狀況了吧。
3. My mom told me: “All you had to do was drink water. Water will be the cure for anything. If your head hurt, if you got a cold, if you are two inches away from dying …”
我媽跟我說：“喝水就好啦。喝水治百病。頭疼喝水，感冒喝水，離死亡只差兩英寸也……”
4. Have you lost your cotton-picking mind!
你腦子壞掉啦！
5. If you fall out of that tree and break both legs, don’t come running to me.
要是你從樹上掉下來摔斷兩條腿，別跑過來找我。
6. I should have swallowed you!
當(dāng)初就該把你塞回去！
7. 80% kids will get this one: “Don’t sit too close to the TV, you’ll ruin your eyes!”
很多小孩兒都聽過這句話：“離電視遠(yuǎn)點(diǎn)兒！眼睛會(huì)搞瞎！”
8. You may do whatever you want but not while you are living under my roof.
你想干嘛都可以，但只要住在我眼皮子底下一天，就不行。
9. I was about 9 or 10 when mom told me: “You’d better learn to wipe your butt better or do your own laundry. No woman wants to live with a man who has dirty draws.”
那時(shí)候我才9歲10歲吧，我媽跟我說：“你要么學(xué)會(huì)擦屁股，要么就自己洗衣服。沒有哪個(gè)女人會(huì)跟內(nèi)褲上有粑粑印的男人生活。”
10. If I can carry you for 9 months, you can carry those groceries from the car to the house.
我的肚子能馱著你9個(gè)月，你就不能把這些菜從車上搬到家里？
11. “I won’t get mad if you just tell me.” That is the biggest lie moms ever say.
“你早跟我說，我會(huì)生氣嗎？” 這估計(jì)是媽媽們最大的謊言。
12. Why do you still live in my house? You are 35.
你為什么還住在我家？你35歲啦。
13. Wait until your dad gets home.
等你爸回家有你好看。
14. Wait until you have children.
等你有孩子你就知道了。
15. “Don’t make me turn this car around!” We all know she’s not going to turn the car around.
“別逼我掉頭打道回府！” 其實(shí)我們都知道她不會(huì)掉頭的。
16. Mummy’s just having grape juice like you are. (pouring wine into her wineglass)
和你一樣?jì)屵渲皇窃诤裙玻ǖ辜t酒）。
17. Don’t you roll your eyes at me! I’ll take you out and make another one who looks just like you.
你再敢跟我翻白眼！我把你轟出去然后再生一個(gè)跟你長(zhǎng)得一模一樣的。
18. Mom: What’s my passcode again?
Me: Same as your phone number.
Mom: What’s my phone number again?
媽：“我密碼是多少來著？”
我：“你手機(jī)號(hào)”
媽：“我手機(jī)號(hào)是多少來著？”
19. Mom: “Who did this?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Mom: “I didn’t ask WHO did it, I am telling you to pick it up!”
媽：“誰弄的！”
我：“我不知道。”
媽：“我沒問你是誰弄的，我是叫你給我撿起來！”
20. “I love my children equally”. And we all know that’s a lie.
“我對(duì)孩子們一視同仁。” 其實(shí)我們都知道是假的。
21. I brought you into this world and I can TAKE YOU OUT.
我可以把你帶到這個(gè)世界上，我也可以把你轟出去。
22. You better not ever start a fight. But if someone starts one with you, YOU BETTER FINISH IT!”
人不犯你你不犯人，人若犯你你最好給我把TA打趴下。
23. “You are beautiful and people will love you.” — Where are those people momma?
“你很漂亮啦，會(huì)有人愛你的” —— 老媽，這些人在哪？
24. If you don’t eat your carrots, you won’t be able to see in the dark.
要是你不吃胡蘿卜，晚上你就會(huì)瞎掉。
25. This isn’t a hotel, you know.
家里不是酒店，你知道吧。
26. Having to say everything twice, having to say everything twice.
每句話都要說兩遍！真的每句話都要說兩遍！
27. Close the door. We are not cooling the whole neighborhood.
把門關(guān)上！我們不是在給整個(gè)街區(qū)制冷！
28. If you don’t clean the gaps between your toes properly, you’ll start growing potatoes out of them.
你要是不認(rèn)認(rèn)真真洗腳指頭中間那塊兒，就會(huì)有土豆從那兒長(zhǎng)出來。
29. Dad is a millionaire – in the least worth currency in the world.
你爸其實(shí)是個(gè)百萬富翁——以世界上最便宜的貨幣算。
30. You kids are the reason mommy drinks.
你們這幫熊孩子就是媽媽喝酒的原因。
你的媽媽都說過哪些讓你捧腹不已的話呢？
（來源：中國(guó)日?qǐng)?bào)雙語新聞微信 編輯：唐曉敏）
