印度容不下剩女

For many young people, India is a land of opportunity. Male or female, if you're well educated and resourceful there's the chance of a well-paid career. Just one problem, says Suruchi Sharma - if you're a woman, you must marry by your mid-20s.

"Single? Why, what's your age?"

"28"

"Okay, that's too bad. How are you managing it? Couldn't find anyone?"

Welcome to the conversation that a single woman in India, in her late 20s faces, almost all the time. Yes, it's a big deal if you're 28 and unmarried. You're looked upon as a big failure. I am serious.

I live in Mumbai, the biggest metro city in India. I belong to a typical urban middle-class family. My life is same as that of many young women who move away from home and pursue their dream of an independent life.

How does it feel to be living in the city on my own? It's awesome! I'm independent with a lifestyle I used to dream of. Indian women are getting the chance to grow, to prove their worth and shine. We struggle with gender bias at every step of the ladder, but we find a way out and advance.

But there is one pressure that just refuses to leave us alone, a question that follows us everywhere: "What are your marriage plans?" In India, a girl's identity revolves around her marriage. As children, we are all raised to understand that we must end up with the right partner, and must go to a nice family as a daughter-in-law.

Even today, arranged marriage is normal in India. Parents find you a suitable match and you get married. In some cases the bride and groom don't have a say. In some cases they get to meet once or twice. In a few cases, they can take time to get to know each other and decide. In all cases, you are a part of a tradition where you have to try to like someone.

Everything we learn is taught to us bearing in mind our future role as a wife and daughter-in-law. We learn how to cook, how to do household chores, to behave ourselves and maintain the right image. The moment the "image" part gets problematic, our prospects of getting decent grooms are affected.

If you look at any matrimonial website (a common trend in India these days) you will find the terms "family-oriented", "homely", "not too much into career" - these are the qualities in a bride people most often look for.

Everyone wants a wife who will be a home-maker first and a career woman second. Every family wants a daughter-in-law who will respect elders, and give up on her career the moment other more important things like her husband's transfer, children, and other emergencies pop up.

To be an ideal woman in a man's life, you must have the best education possible, a pretty face, and a sound career and yet be willing to put it all on the back burner.

The reason I am single is quite simple - I have yet to come across my Mr Right.

I might sound like a person who is against marriage. I am not. I love the idea of being married. I believe in this institution and I look forward to being married one day to the right guy. This is where the problem starts, with that phrase "the right guy".

At 28, ideally I would have been married for a couple of years.

By Indian standards, I've left it late and I am probably at the bottom of the pyramid of eligible women. But I still don't find the idea of "settling for" someone appealing.

Everyone reminds me how I should make compromises and lower my expectations. As long as the man has decent looks and a respectable career and family background I shouldn't complain.

I don't see it that way. Everyone around me may tell me a man is perfect for me, but I feel it's me who gets to decide.

He might be earning a lot, might belong to the best of families and might be a nice person, but if I don't find him compatible to talk to or to be with, I can't picture being married to him. I don't subscribe to the idea of striking a compromise right at the advent of my married life. The adjustments and compromises should be made in the marriage, not while finding the person you want to be with.

There is a stigma associated with a woman who is single. When a woman says she is single by choice, it's more or less assumed that she is not respectable.

There have been many occasions when I have tried to rent an apartment in a good locality and been refused. People don't like to rent apartments to single, professional women. They are afraid that someone like me will behave immorally - have loud parties, have men to stay overnight, be a bad influence on the surrounding families. No-one can imagine that I might be an ordinary person with a perfect social life and a normal, healthy lifestyle.

Property owners are always looking for a chance to evict us. The slightest of errors and we are asked to leave. We can't live a normal lifestyle. There are rules and regulations for everything. And if by any chance it happens that a male friend comes to drop you home one day, you're immediately branded a prostitute.

Essentially, if a single woman lives an independent life, away from her family it's assumed she may have loose morals.

The more I keep living this life, the less chance there is of finding a good husband from a well-respected family. At times I wonder whether I should just give in and marry the next guy who is more or less suitable, in order to spare my parents.

I am lucky that my family is extremely supportive. My parents stand by me when it comes to waiting for the right guy to come along, but they too face extreme pressure from relatives and everyone in their circle. "When is Suruchi getting married?" They get asked this question every day, and it makes them anxious. They begin to wonder if they are doing the wrong thing by letting their daughter make her own choices. They worry about my well-being. They are not sure that Indian society will allow me to live happily if I remain single.

There were cases where people told my parents that educating their daughter and letting her become an independent person had been a grave mistake. Now their daughter has high expectations and getting her married has become so difficult! I can't thank my parents enough for shouldering that burden. They are a great support but I keep wondering what to do to make it easier for them. I am much less worried about myself. I know that being with the wrong man would be far worse than being by myself.

As long as I remain in this society, the pressure will only keep increasing. To be honest, I have thought about moving abroad if I end up being single for another year or so.

Going away from society's prying eyes is the only way to be left alone and allowed to live a peaceful life. People won't question my marriage plans if I am in a foreign country. Surprisingly, Indians then become quite open-minded. Everything is OK if you're living abroad.

At the end, it's not easy being single at 28. It's a struggle I face 24/7. I have decided to live with it.

對(duì)許多年輕人來(lái)說(shuō)，印度是一個(gè)充滿機(jī)會(huì)的國(guó)度。無(wú)論男女，只要接受過(guò)高等教育，能隨機(jī)應(yīng)變，就有機(jī)會(huì)獲得高薪工作。只有一個(gè)問(wèn)題，Suruchi Sharma說(shuō)，女性必須在25歲左右結(jié)婚。

“沒(méi)結(jié)婚?為什么?你多大了?”

“28。”

“這，這可不行，怎么回事?找不到對(duì)象嗎?”

歡迎加入印度28歲左右女性面臨的無(wú)休止的談話。是的，28歲，未婚，這可是一樁大事，在他人眼里，你是個(gè)不折不扣的失敗者，我可沒(méi)開(kāi)玩笑。

我住在印度最大的大都市孟買(mǎi)，出生于一個(gè)典型的城市中產(chǎn)階級(jí)家庭。我和許多年輕女性一樣，搬出父母的家，過(guò)著獨(dú)立的生活，追逐著自己的夢(mèng)想。

獨(dú)自一人住在大城市是什么感覺(jué)?棒極了!我很獨(dú)立，過(guò)著曾經(jīng)夢(mèng)想過(guò)的生活。印度的女性正獲得改善自己、證明自己的價(jià)值和散發(fā)光芒的機(jī)會(huì)。在抗議性別歧視的階梯上，我們每向上爬一步都得奮力斗爭(zhēng)，但我們找到了出路，不斷地前進(jìn)。

可是還有一種賴(lài)著不走的壓力，一個(gè)和我們?nèi)缬半S形的問(wèn)題：“打算什么時(shí)候結(jié)婚啊?”在印度，女孩的生活圍繞著結(jié)婚展開(kāi)。從小到大，我們接受到的觀念是我們一定得找到門(mén)當(dāng)戶對(duì)的另一半，找個(gè)好婆家。

甚至是在現(xiàn)在的印度，包辦婚姻還是常態(tài)。父母給你找個(gè)般配的對(duì)象，安排好婚事。有時(shí)，新娘新郎都沒(méi)發(fā)言權(quán);有時(shí)他們只見(jiàn)過(guò)一、兩次面。他們很少有時(shí)間認(rèn)識(shí)彼此，無(wú)法自己做出決定。不管怎樣，你是包辦婚姻傳統(tǒng)的一部分，你必須試著喜歡上某個(gè)人。

我們學(xué)到的一切都告訴我們要銘記我們未來(lái)的身份是妻子和兒媳。我們學(xué)會(huì)做飯、做家務(wù)，舉止要得體，形象要合宜。一旦“形象”出了問(wèn)題，我們找到好夫君的可能性就會(huì)降低。

點(diǎn)開(kāi)任意一個(gè)婚介網(wǎng)站(在印度，最近婚介網(wǎng)站是大勢(shì)所趨)，你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)諸如“以家庭為重”、“顧家”、“對(duì)事業(yè)不太熱心”等要求，人們往往希望新娘具備上述品質(zhì)。

大家都希望討個(gè)把家庭放在第一位，事業(yè)放在第二位的妻子。每個(gè)男方家庭都希望有一個(gè)尊敬老人的兒媳，一旦出現(xiàn)其他更重要的事，如丈夫工作上的調(diào)動(dòng)、孩子或其他緊急情況，兒媳會(huì)放棄自己的事業(yè)。

要成為男人生活中的完美女人，你必須接受過(guò)最好的教育，相貌出眾，事業(yè)有成，并且愿意把事業(yè)放在次要位置。

我至今單身的原因很簡(jiǎn)單——我還沒(méi)遇到我的白馬王子。

你看我的文章也許會(huì)覺(jué)得我反對(duì)婚姻，其實(shí)不然。我喜歡結(jié)婚這種想法，我相信婚姻制度，我渴望有一天嫁給對(duì)的人。問(wèn)題就出在這——“對(duì)的人”。

我今年28歲了，理想的情景是我已經(jīng)結(jié)婚多年了。

按照印度本地的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，我已經(jīng)是剩女了，很可能處在適婚女子金字塔的最底層;不過(guò)我并不認(rèn)同“找個(gè)一起過(guò)日子的人算了”這種觀點(diǎn)。

所有的人都提醒我，我應(yīng)該做出妥協(xié)，降低期望。只要對(duì)方長(zhǎng)相得體、工作體面、家庭背景不錯(cuò)就行了，我不該發(fā)什么牢騷。

我可不這么看，也許身邊的每個(gè)人都跟我說(shuō)他和我是天生一對(duì)，但我覺(jué)得做決定的人是我自己。

也許他收入高，來(lái)自上層的家庭，人也很好，可如果我和他談不來(lái)或合不來(lái)，我就無(wú)法想象自己會(huì)嫁給他。我不認(rèn)同結(jié)婚之前就做出妥協(xié)的看法，找對(duì)象這件事容不得妥協(xié)，調(diào)整和妥協(xié)應(yīng)該在結(jié)婚以后。

在印度，單身女人和恥辱聯(lián)系在一起，一個(gè)女人如果說(shuō)自己選擇單身，或多或少，人們會(huì)認(rèn)為她不是個(gè)值得尊敬的女人。

有很多次，我想在一個(gè)風(fēng)氣好的居住區(qū)租一套公寓，都遭到了拒絕。人們不喜歡把公寓租給單身的職業(yè)女性。他們害怕像我這樣的人會(huì)做出傷風(fēng)敗德的事——舉辦吵鬧的聚會(huì)，留男人過(guò)夜，給周邊有家室的鄰居帶來(lái)壞影響。沒(méi)有人能想象我也許是個(gè)社交生活正常、生活方式健康的普通人。

業(yè)主總是在尋找機(jī)會(huì)趕我們出門(mén)，稍有不慎，就叫我們走人。我們無(wú)法過(guò)上正常的生活，凡事都有條條框框。一旦有一天有男性朋友送你回公寓，你馬上就會(huì)被貼上“妓女”的標(biāo)簽。

基本上可以說(shuō)，一個(gè)單身女人若不和家人住在一起，而是獨(dú)自一人生活，人們就會(huì)認(rèn)為她道德淪喪。

要是繼續(xù)過(guò)這種獨(dú)立的生活，找到受人尊敬的婆家和好丈夫的機(jī)率會(huì)越來(lái)越小。有時(shí)我會(huì)想為了讓父母少遭罪，自己是不是該做出讓步，嫁給下一個(gè)和我差不多般配的男人?

我很幸運(yùn)，因?yàn)槲业募胰藰O力支持我的做法。在“等待對(duì)的那個(gè)人”的問(wèn)題上，我的父母和我站在同一戰(zhàn)線，但他們也面臨著來(lái)自親戚和朋友圈的巨大壓力。“Suruchi什么時(shí)候結(jié)婚啊?”每天都有人問(wèn)他們這個(gè)問(wèn)題，這讓他們十分擔(dān)憂。他們開(kāi)始懷疑，把選擇權(quán)交給女兒，是不是做錯(cuò)了?他們擔(dān)心我會(huì)不會(huì)過(guò)得幸福。他們不確定在印度這樣的社會(huì)里，單身的我會(huì)不會(huì)活得開(kāi)心。

有時(shí)，有人會(huì)跟我父母說(shuō)，送女兒上學(xué)，讓她們變獨(dú)立，是個(gè)大錯(cuò)誤。現(xiàn)在女兒有了高期望，結(jié)婚變得非常困難。我很感謝我的父母承擔(dān)著這個(gè)負(fù)擔(dān)。他們很支持我，但是我不由得想著該怎樣讓他們的日子好過(guò)些，我倒沒(méi)那么擔(dān)心自己。我知道和錯(cuò)的人一起生活比自己一個(gè)人生活要糟糕得多。

只要我留在這個(gè)社會(huì)中，壓力只會(huì)越來(lái)越大。老實(shí)說(shuō)，我想過(guò)要是再過(guò)一年，我還是單身的話，我就搬到國(guó)外去。

逃離印度社會(huì)愛(ài)窺探的眼睛是不受人打擾、過(guò)上平靜的生活的唯一方法。如果是在國(guó)外，人們不會(huì)問(wèn)我對(duì)結(jié)婚的打算。出人意料的是，那時(shí)印度人也變得非常開(kāi)明了。住在國(guó)外，一切都會(huì)很好。

總之，28歲了，還單身，真不容易，我每時(shí)每刻都為此掙扎，我已決定要忍受下去。