讓跨性別者在陽光下生活

How to Save Your Life

讓跨性別者在陽光下生活

THEY placed an unlit candle in my hands. Hundreds of people sat quietly in chairs. This was at the L.G.B.T. Community Center in Greenwich Village in November, at an event called the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

他們把一根沒有點(diǎn)燃的蠟燭放在我的手中。好幾百人安安靜靜地坐在椅子上。11月份的這場(chǎng)活動(dòng)是在“跨性別紀(jì)念日”(Transgender Day of Remembrance)當(dāng)天舉辦的，地點(diǎn)設(shè)在紐約格林尼治村的男女同性戀、雙性戀和跨性別人群社區(qū)中心(LGBT Community Center)。

It happens every year, people coming together to mourn trans individuals lost to murder or suicide. As a trans woman, I wish that the one day on the calendar that recognizes transgender experience was about celebrating the successes of our diverse community, rather than counting the lives we’ve lost. But the losses go on, year after year. And so I lit that candle.

人們聚到一起，紀(jì)念死于謀殺或者自殺的跨性別者，年年都是如此。作為一個(gè)跨性別女性，我更希望在這唯一的一個(gè)承認(rèn)跨性別體驗(yàn)的日子里慶祝我們這一多元化社群的成就，而不是細(xì)數(shù)逝去的生命。但年復(fù)一年，不斷有人離我們而去。于是，我點(diǎn)燃了手中的蠟燭。

The weekend after Christmas, 17-year-old Leelah Alcorn left her house in Kings Mills, Ohio, in the middle of the night. She made her way to Interstate 71, where she stepped in front of a tractor-trailer. A note she left behind on Tumblr read, in part, “Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living ... because I’m transgender.”

圣誕節(jié)過后的周末，17歲的莉拉·奧爾康(Leelah Alcorn)在午夜時(shí)分離開了她位于俄亥俄州金斯米爾斯的家。她孤身前往71號(hào)州際公路，并在那里與一輛大貨車迎面相撞。她在Tumblr上留下了遺書，其中寫道：“請(qǐng)不要難過，這樣更好一些。我所逃離的這種生活不值得一過……因?yàn)槲沂强缧詣e者。”

Leelah’s conservative Christian parents were not supportive of her urgent pleas to live her life openly. “I told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids.” She added: “That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.”

莉拉迫切需要以自己的本來面目生活在陽光下，但她的父母是保守的基督徒，不支持她這樣做。“我對(duì)媽媽說了，她做出了極為負(fù)面的反應(yīng)，教訓(xùn)我說這只是一個(gè)階段而已，我永遠(yuǎn)不可能成為一個(gè)真正的女孩，上帝不會(huì)犯錯(cuò)，錯(cuò)的是我。正在閱讀這篇文字的父母?jìng)儯?qǐng)別這樣訓(xùn)斥你們的孩子。”她還表示：“這么做只會(huì)讓他們?cè)骱拮约骸Ｎ覍?duì)此有切身體會(huì)。”

Leelah was no mistake. The world abounds with all sorts of ways of being human, one of which is being trans. It is a tragedy that Leelah was never given the chance to be proud of who she was, and that she thought the only way to change the world was through her death.

莉拉沒有錯(cuò)。世界上有各種各樣的做人方式，做個(gè)跨性別者就是其中之一。悲哀的是，莉拉從不曾有機(jī)會(huì)為自己感到自豪，她認(rèn)為只能用她的死來改變這個(gè)世界。

Suicide is a constant among transgender people; we are one of the most at-risk groups in the country. One study suggests that over 40 percent of us attempt it during the course of our lives.

自殺在跨性別群體中是常有的事。我們是這個(gè)國(guó)家里自殺風(fēng)險(xiǎn)最高的人群。一項(xiàng)研究顯示，40%的跨性別者在一生當(dāng)中試圖自殺過。

I was among that number. In 1986 I stood at the edge of a cliff in Nova Scotia, looking down at the Atlantic, considering the plunge into the sea below.

我就是其中之一。1986年，我站在加拿大新斯科舍省的一處懸崖邊，低頭盯著大西洋，想要縱身躍入大海。

Then I turned back. Somehow, here I am.

后來，我回頭了。不管怎樣，我還活著。

Early transition is usually best for trans people. But for many of us it’s impossible, because of unsupportive families, because of a lack of resources, because we do not yet have the courage to embark upon what seems like a frightening path. In that scenario, the best strategy may simply be having faith in the future, and finding a way to survive until you’re able to control your own destiny. I don’t know if the things that helped me are of any use to someone born, as Leelah was, in 1997. But the last week has given me occasion to think back on how it was I got this far.

跨性別者通常最好是在人生的早期階段完成轉(zhuǎn)變。但對(duì)我們中的許多人而言，這是不可能的，因?yàn)榧胰瞬恢С?，因?yàn)樨?cái)力不夠，因?yàn)槲覀冞€沒有足夠的勇氣踏上一條看似可怕的道路。在這種情況下，最好的做法或許只能是對(duì)未來抱有希望，并在能夠掌控自己的命運(yùn)之前想法子活下去。我不知道給我?guī)磉^幫助的一些東西，對(duì)像莉拉這樣生于1997年的人是否有用。不過，剛剛過去的一周讓我有機(jī)會(huì)回想自己是如何活到現(xiàn)在的。

My own life was saved in part by books. When I found Jan Morris’s 1974 memoir, “Conundrum,” it was as if I’d found a wormhole to another universe, a galaxy where people like me could thrive. I wish I could have also given Leelah two more recent works: Janet Mock’s “Redefining Realness” and Kate Bornstein’s “Hello Cruel World.” They might have made a difference.

在某種程度上，是書籍挽救了我的生命。讀了簡(jiǎn)·莫里斯(Jan Morris)1974年發(fā)表的回憶錄《謎》(Conundrum)，我仿佛發(fā)現(xiàn)了通往另一個(gè)宇宙的蟲洞，一個(gè)我這樣的人可以茁壯成長(zhǎng)的星系。除了《謎》，我多希望再給莉拉推薦兩本后來出版的書：珍妮特·莫克(Janet Mock)的《重新定義真實(shí)》(Redefining Realness)和凱特·伯恩斯坦(Kate Bornstein)的《你好，殘酷的世界》(Hello Cruel World)。它們也許會(huì)讓事情有所不同。

If reading provided me with solace, so did writing. Keeping a journal, telling stories, inventing worlds gave me comfort until the time came when I had the agency to make my own choices. Narrative helped me find a through-line in the chaos of my life.

如果說閱讀帶給我慰藉，那么寫作也是如此。在積攢起力量做出順應(yīng)內(nèi)心的選擇之前，我從寫日記、講故事和編織虛幻世界之中得到了安慰。

There were other times, quite frankly, when simply making a lot of noise saved me, too. I pounded my family’s piano until the strings broke; I played in a band that played two songs, one of which was “Turn on Your Love Light,” and one of which was not. Making noise helped me know I existed, helped me in some inarticulate way express the pain I felt inside. There were winter nights when I shouted at the sky. Sometimes my own voice echoed back at me.

在其他一些時(shí)候，坦白講，我還靠著弄出大量響動(dòng)活了下來。我猛敲家里的鋼琴，直到把琴鍵敲壞;我加入了一個(gè)樂隊(duì)，它表演的兩首曲子中，有一首是《點(diǎn)亮你的愛之光》(Turn on Your Love Light)，另一首就不記得了。制造出響動(dòng)讓我知道自己還活著，讓我以某種隱晦的方式表達(dá)出內(nèi)在的痛苦。我曾在冬夜里對(duì)著天空大聲呼喊，有時(shí)候會(huì)聽見回聲。