《四季隨筆》節(jié)選 - 秋 14

《四季隨筆》是吉辛的散文代表作。其中對(duì)隱士賴克羅夫特醉心于書籍、自然景色與回憶過(guò)去生活的描述，其實(shí)是吉辛的自述，作者以此來(lái)抒發(fā)自己的情感，因而本書是一部富有自傳色彩的小品文集。

吉辛窮困的一生，對(duì)文學(xué)名著的愛好與追求，以及對(duì)大自然恬靜生活的向往，在書中均有充分的反映。本書分為春、夏、秋、冬四個(gè)部分，文筆優(yōu)美，行文流暢，是英國(guó)文學(xué)中小品文的珍品之一。

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I have had one of my savage headaches. For a day and a night I was in blind torment. Have at it, now, with the stoic remedy. Sickness of the body is no evil. With a little resolution and considering it as a natural issue of certain natural processes, pain may well be borne. One's solace is, to remember that it cannot affect the soul, which partakes of the eternal nature. This body is but as "the clothing, or the cottage, of the mind." Let flesh be racked; I, the very I, will stand apart, lord of myself.

我那可怕的頭疼又發(fā)作了一次，整整一天一夜，我被折磨得昏天黑地?，F(xiàn)在，我拿斯多葛學(xué)派的哲學(xué)作藥方來(lái)對(duì)付它。身體的病痛其實(shí)不是壞事，懷著一點(diǎn)決心，將之視為多種自然進(jìn)程的一個(gè)自然事件，疼痛便容易忍受了。只要想到它并不影響具有永恒自然性質(zhì)的靈魂，就可以得到一種安慰。這具軀體不過(guò)是“思想的衣服或住所”。盡管讓肉體受折磨吧；我，真正的我，會(huì)作為自己的統(tǒng)治者冷眼旁觀。

Meanwhile, memory, reason, every faculty of my intellectual part, is being whelmed in muddy oblivion. Is the soul something other than the mind? If so, I have lost all consciousness of its existence. For me, mind and soul are one, and, as I am too feelingly reminded, that element of my being is HERE, where the brain throbs and anguishes. A little more of such suffering, and I were myself no longer; the body representing me would gesticulate and rave, but I should know nothing of its motives, its fantasies. The very I, it is too plain, consists but with a certain balance of my physical elements, which we call health. Even in the light beginnings of my headache, I was already not myself; my thoughts followed no normal course, and I was aware of the abnormality. A few hours later, I was but a walking disease; my mind— if one could use the word—had become a barrel-organ, grinding in endless repetition a bar or two of idle music.

與此同時(shí)，我心智的每個(gè)功能，如記憶、理智等，湮沒(méi)在無(wú)知無(wú)覺的混沌狀態(tài)中。靈魂是思想之外的東西嗎？如果是，那我完全意識(shí)不到它的存在。對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，思想和靈魂是一體的，我真真切切地感受著，自己的身體在這里，在我腦脈悸動(dòng)而疼痛不止的地方。這種痛苦再劇烈一些，我就不再是自己了；我的身體還能亂動(dòng)，會(huì)狂語(yǔ)，至于它的動(dòng)機(jī)和幻想，我就不得而知了。很明顯，真正的我依賴于身體各部分的某種平衡，我們稱之為健康。即使在我頭痛的初期，我就已經(jīng)不是我自己了；我的思維走向不正常，我也意識(shí)到了它的不正常。幾小時(shí)后，我不過(guò)是行走著的疾病罷了；我的思想——如果還能用這個(gè)詞的話——已經(jīng)變成了一架手搖風(fēng)琴，無(wú)休止地重復(fù)著一兩節(jié)單調(diào)的音樂(lè)。

What trust shall I repose in the soul that serves me thus? Just as much, one would say, as in the senses, through which I know all that I can know of the world in which I live, and which, for all I can tell, may deceive me even more grossly in their common use than they do on certain occasions where I have power to test them; just as much, and no more—if I am right in concluding that mind and soul are merely subtle functions of body. If I chance to become deranged in certain parts of my physical mechanism, I shall straightway be deranged in my wits; and behold that Something in me which "partakes of the eternal" prompting me to pranks which savour little of the infinite wisdom. Even in its normal condition (if I can determine what that is) my mind is obviously the slave of trivial accidents; I eat something that disagrees with me, and of a sudden the whole aspect of life is changed; this impulse has lost its force, and another which before I should not for a moment have entertained, is all-powerful over me. In short, I know just as little about myself as I do about the Eternal Essence, and I have a haunting suspicion that I may be a mere automaton, my every thought and act due to some power which uses and deceives me.

對(duì)于如此對(duì)待我的靈魂，我還能給予信任嗎？有人會(huì)說(shuō)，信任它，就像我信任所有的感官一樣，我通過(guò)感官了解我生活的這個(gè)世界上的一切事物。而就我所知，感官在平常，可能比某些我有能力檢驗(yàn)它們的時(shí)刻，要更嚴(yán)重地欺騙我；給靈魂的信任同樣多就好，不要超過(guò)——假使我對(duì)頭腦和靈魂都不過(guò)是身體微妙功能的結(jié)論是正確的話。如果我身體機(jī)制的某些部分偶然出現(xiàn)紊亂，我的頭腦也會(huì)馬上跟著混亂；而我身體內(nèi)那個(gè)“有永恒性質(zhì)”的某物會(huì)讓我胡鬧，這胡鬧和無(wú)限智慧可沒(méi)什么關(guān)系。即使在正常的情況下（如果我能判定它是怎樣情況的話），我的頭腦明顯像是各種瑣屑事故的奴隸。我吃了一些不合脾胃的東西，突然整個(gè)生活都發(fā)生了變化；一種沖動(dòng)喪失了力量，另外一種我之前從沒(méi)意識(shí)到的沖動(dòng)則完全控制了我。簡(jiǎn)言之，我對(duì)自身的了解就像對(duì)“永恒本質(zhì)”一樣知之甚少，我總懷疑自己可能只是一個(gè)機(jī)器人，我的每個(gè)思想和行為都受到某種力量的利用和欺騙。

Why am I meditating thus, instead of enjoying the life of the natural man, at peace with himself and the world, as I was a day or two ago? Merely, it is evident, because my health has suffered a temporary disorder. It has passed; I have thought enough about the unthinkable; I feel my quiet returning. Is it any merit of mine that I begin to be in health once more? Could I, by any effort of the will, have shunned this pitfall?

我為什么要如此思考，為什么不和一兩天前一樣，享受正常人的生活，與自身以及世界都和平共處呢？很明顯，只是因?yàn)槲业纳眢w經(jīng)歷了暫時(shí)的紊亂。它已經(jīng)過(guò)去了，我也對(duì)不可思議的事情想得夠多了，我感到自己在回歸寧?kù)o。我對(duì)自己健康的恢復(fù)有什么功勞嗎？難道說(shuō)我憑借意志的力量就能避開疾病的圈套嗎？