《四季隨筆》節(jié)選 - 秋 23

《四季隨筆》是吉辛的散文代表作。其中對(duì)隱士賴克羅夫特醉心于書籍、自然景色與回憶過(guò)去生活的描述，其實(shí)是吉辛的自述，作者以此來(lái)抒發(fā)自己的情感，因而本書是一部富有自傳色彩的小品文集。

吉辛窮困的一生，對(duì)文學(xué)名著的愛好與追求，以及對(duì)大自然恬靜生活的向往，在書中均有充分的反映。本書分為春、夏、秋、冬四個(gè)部分，文筆優(yōu)美，行文流暢，是英國(guó)文學(xué)中小品文的珍品之一。

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今天，我在金色的陽(yáng)光下散步——這是晚秋時(shí)節(jié)溫暖寧?kù)o的一天——忽然腦海中冒出一個(gè)想法，我停下腳步，有些不知所措。我自言自語(yǔ)地說(shuō)：我的生活結(jié)束了。這個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的事實(shí)我早該意識(shí)到，它當(dāng)然已是我沉思的一部分，并經(jīng)常感染我的情緒；但是這個(gè)想法卻從沒有確定地成形，沒有形諸話語(yǔ)。我的生活結(jié)束了。這句話我念了一兩遍，讓耳朵來(lái)檢驗(yàn)它的真實(shí)性。不管有多陌生，這是一個(gè)不可否認(rèn)的事實(shí)，就像我過(guò)完生日的年齡一樣不可否認(rèn)。

My age? At this time of life, many a man is bracing himself for new efforts, is calculating on a decade or two of pursuit and attainment. I, too, may perhaps live for some years; but for me there is no more activity, no ambition. I have had my chance—and I see what I made of it.

我的年齡？在人生的這個(gè)時(shí)候，許多人正在振作精神開拓新事業(yè)，計(jì)劃著未來(lái)一二十年的奮斗和成就。我也許還會(huì)活一些年頭，但不會(huì)有什么行動(dòng)和雄心了。我有過(guò)機(jī)會(huì)——也看到了自己所能達(dá)到的高度。

The thought was for an instant all but dreadful. What! I, who only yesterday was a young man, planning, hoping, looking forward to life as to a practically endless career, I, who was so vigorous and scornful, have come to this day of definite retrospect? How is it possible? But, I have done nothing; I have had no time; I have only been preparing myself—a mere apprentice to life. My brain is at some prank; I am suffering a momentary delusion; I shall shake myself, and return to common sense—to my schemes and activities and eager enjoyments.

有一刻，這個(gè)想法顯得那么可怕。什么！昨天，我還是一個(gè)年經(jīng)人，躊躇滿志，充滿希望，為一個(gè)幾乎前途無(wú)量的事業(yè)對(duì)生活充滿期待。我曾經(jīng)是那么干勁十足、傲視一切，而今天卻只能來(lái)回首往事？這怎么可能呢？但是，我一無(wú)所成，我沒有時(shí)間，我一直只是在做準(zhǔn)備——只是生活的一個(gè)學(xué)徒而已。一定是我的頭腦在惡作劇，這只是我暫時(shí)的錯(cuò)覺。我要搖醒自己，恢復(fù)理智——讓我覺得自己還有計(jì)劃，可以行動(dòng)，對(duì)生活還有殷切的期待。

Nevertheless, my life is over.

盡管如此，我的生活結(jié)束了！

What a little thing! I knew how the philosophers had spoken; I repeated their musical phrases about the mortal span—yet never till now believed them. And this is all? A man's life can be so brief and so vain? Idly would I persuade myself that life, in the true sense, is only now beginning; that the time of sweat and fear was not life at all, and that it now only depends upon my will to lead a worthy existence. That may be a sort of consolation, but it does not obscure the truth that I shall never again see possibilities and promises opening before me. I have "retired," and for me as truly as for the retired tradesman, life is over. I can look back upon its completed course, and what a little thing! I am tempted to laugh; I hold myself within the limit of a smile.

它是多么微不足道??！我知道哲學(xué)家們是怎么說(shuō)的；我曾重復(fù)過(guò)他們關(guān)于壽命的音樂(lè)般的語(yǔ)句——但直到現(xiàn)在我才相信了他們。這就結(jié)束了嗎？一個(gè)人的生命可以這樣短暫和無(wú)用嗎？我自欺欺人地勸自己說(shuō)，真正意義上的生命才剛剛開始，那些浸泡在汗水和恐懼的日子根本不算生活，而現(xiàn)在我可以依自己的意愿過(guò)有價(jià)值的生活。也許它可以帶來(lái)些許慰藉，但不能掩蓋一個(gè)事實(shí)，那就是我的面前再?zèng)]有生活的各種可能性和希望了。我已經(jīng)“退休了”，就和退休的工匠一樣，我的生活結(jié)束了。回首結(jié)束了的生活旅程，我看到它是那么地微不足道！我忍不住想要大笑；但我抑制住自己，只是微微一笑。

And that is best, to smile, not in scorn, but in all forbearance, without too much self-compassion. After all, that dreadful aspect of the thing never really took hold of me; I could put it by without much effort. Life is done—and what matter? Whether it has been, in sum, painful or enjoyable, even now I cannot say—a fact which in itself should prevent me from taking the loss too seriously. What does it matter? Destiny with the hidden face decreed that I should come into being, play my little part, and pass again into silence; is it mine either to approve or to rebel? Let me be grateful that I have suffered no intolerable wrong, no terrible woe of flesh or spirit, such as others—alas! alas!—have found in their lot. Is it not much to have accomplished so large a part of the mortal journey with so much ease? If I find myself astonished at its brevity and small significance, why, that is my own fault; the voices of those gone before had sufficiently warned me. Better to see the truth now, and accept it, than to fall into dread surprise on some day of weakness, and foolishly to cry against fate. I will be glad rather than sorry, and think of the thing no more.

這樣最好，微微一笑，并非蔑視而是隱忍，沒有包含太多的自我憐憫。畢竟，我從未受制于它可怕的一面，可以不費(fèi)氣力地棄諸一側(cè)。生活結(jié)束了——有什么關(guān)系呢？總體來(lái)說(shuō)，它是痛苦還是愉快呢，我現(xiàn)在也不能肯定——這一點(diǎn)本身就不能讓我嚴(yán)肅地看待這個(gè)損失。這有什么關(guān)系？那個(gè)遮蔽了面目的命運(yùn)，令我生而為人，扮演自己的小角色，并再度歸于沉默。這哪里是我能贊成和反對(duì)的？就讓我感恩吧，因?yàn)槲覐臎]像其他人一樣命中遭受過(guò)無(wú)法容忍的不公，以及肉體或精神的嚴(yán)重苦難。如此輕松地完成了人生旅程的大半，不是應(yīng)該知足嗎？如果我吃驚于它的短暫和微不足道，那是我的錯(cuò)，那些先我故去的聲音不是已經(jīng)給了我足夠的警告？現(xiàn)在看到真相并接受它，總好于在感覺無(wú)助的某一天，墮入恐懼驚愕之中，愚蠢地向命運(yùn)大聲抗議。我會(huì)感覺高興而不是悲傷，并且再不會(huì)想這件事了。