直男們，愿意來一場男男約會(huì)嗎？
THE delicate posturing began with the phone call.
微妙的故作姿態(tài)始于一通電話。
The proposal was that two buddies back in New York City for a holiday break in December meet to visit the Museum of Modern Art after its major renovation.
兩個(gè)在去年12月的假期回到紐約的朋友，決定約著一起去全面裝修后重新開門的現(xiàn)代藝術(shù)博物館(Museum of Modern Art)看看。
"He explicitly said, 'I know this is kind of weird, but we should probably go,"' said Matthew Speiser, 25, recalling his conversation with John Putman, 28, a former classmate from Williams College.
“他也說了，‘我知道這有點(diǎn)怪怪的，但是我們應(yīng)該去看看，’”25歲的馬修·斯潘塞(Matthew Speiser)談到當(dāng)時(shí)與28歲的約翰·普特曼(John Putman)通話時(shí)說道。兩人在威廉姆斯大學(xué)(Williams College)念書的時(shí)候是同班同學(xué)。
The weirdness was apparent once they reached the museum, where they semi-avoided each other as they made their way through the galleries and eschewed any public displays of connoisseurship. "We definitely went out of our way to look at things separately," recalled Mr. Speiser, who has had art-history classes in his time.
來到博物館，怪怪的氣氛就變得很明顯了。他們在展廳里走動(dòng)時(shí)，有些特意避開對方，并且盡量避免讓自己看上去很會(huì)欣賞的樣子。“我們特地各看各的，”曾經(jīng)上過藝術(shù)史課的斯潘塞說道。
"We shuffled. We probably both pretended to know less about the art than we did."
“我們拖著步子，假裝自己并不太懂藝術(shù)。”
Eager to cut the tension following what they perceived to be a slightly unmanly excursion -- two guys looking at art together -- they headed directly to a bar. "We couldn't stop talking about the fact that it was ridiculous we had spent the whole day together one on one," said Mr. Speiser, who is straight, as is Mr. Putman. "We were purging ourselves of insecurity."
兩個(gè)男人一起去看藝術(shù)展，這種行為讓他們覺得有點(diǎn)不太爺們兒，因此急切地希望緩解那種緊張狀態(tài)，于是他們又去了一家酒吧。“我們不停地說，我們倆黏在一起已經(jīng)一整天了，這太扯了，”斯潘塞說道;他和普特曼都是直男。“我們這是在清除自己的不安全感。”
Anyone who finds a date with a potential romantic partner to be a minefield of unspoken rules should consider the man date, a rendezvous between two straight men that is even more socially perilous.
如果你覺得與潛在戀愛對象約會(huì)是一個(gè)充滿了潛規(guī)則的雷區(qū)，那就想想男男約會(huì)，兩個(gè)直男的約會(huì)在社交上的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)甚至更大一些。
Simply defined a man date is two heterosexual men socializing without the crutch of business or sports. It is two guys meeting for the kind of outing a straight man might reasonably arrange with a woman. Dining together across a table without the aid of a television is a man date; eating at a bar is not. Taking a walk in the park together is a man date; going for a jog is not. Attending the movie "Friday Night Lights" is a man date, but going to see the Jets play is definitely not.
你可以把男男約會(huì)簡單地定義為兩個(gè)異性戀男子，進(jìn)行與生意和體育無關(guān)的社交活動(dòng)。兩個(gè)男性一起出去玩，做一些放到男女之間恐怕就顯得合情合理的事情。比如在同一張桌子上面對面地吃飯，但又沒有在看電視，這就是男男約會(huì);在酒吧吃飯就不是。一起在公園里散步是男男約會(huì);慢跑不是。去看電影《勝利之光》(Friday Night Lights)是，而一起去看航空展肯定不是。
"Sideways," the Oscar-winning film about two buddies touring the central California wine country on the eve of the wedding of one of them, is one long and boozy man date.
奧斯卡獲獎(jiǎng)影片《杯酒人生》(Sideways)講述了一名即將結(jié)婚的男子與另一名男子前往加州中部的葡萄酒產(chǎn)地旅行，這就是一次漫長的、酒意襲人的男男約會(huì)。
Although "man date" is a coinage invented for this article, appearing nowhere in the literature of male bonding (or of homosexual panic), the 30 to 40 straight men interviewed, from their 20's to their 50's, living in cities across the country, instantly recognized the peculiar ritual even if they had not consciously examined its dos and don'ts. Depending on the activity and on the two men involved, an undercurrent of homoeroticism that may be present determines what feels comfortable or not on a man date, as Mr. Speiser and Mr. Putman discovered in their squeamishness at the Modern.
盡管“男男約會(huì)”的說法是為了寫這篇文章生造出來的，從未出現(xiàn)在關(guān)于兄弟情誼(或者同性戀恐慌)的文獻(xiàn)里，但受訪的30至40名直男——年齡在20幾歲至50幾歲之間，居于全國各地的城市——立刻就辨別出了這種約會(huì)的特別禮儀，即便他們此前并未有意識(shí)地審視過參與者該做什么、不該做什么。就像在現(xiàn)代美術(shù)館時(shí)刻小心翼翼的斯潘塞和普特曼所發(fā)現(xiàn)的那樣，男男約會(huì)中可能出現(xiàn)的一股同性愛暗流，決定著在整個(gè)約會(huì)過程中什么是讓人感到自在或不自在的，具體情況則視約會(huì)所牽涉的活動(dòng)和兩個(gè)男人而定。
Jim O'Donnell, a professor of business and economics at Huntington University in Indiana, who said his life had been changed by a male friend, urges men to get over their discomfort in socializing one on one because they have much to gain from the emotional support of male friendships. (Women understand this instinctively, which is why there is no female equivalent to the awkward man date; straight women have long met for dinner or a movie without a second thought.)
印第安納州亨廷頓大學(xué)(Huntington University)商科和經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)教授吉姆·奧唐奈(Jim O'Donnell)說，一個(gè)男性友人改變了他的生活，他極力主張男人應(yīng)該克服在一對一社交活動(dòng)中產(chǎn)生的不適感，因?yàn)槟行杂颜x所能帶來的情感支持會(huì)讓他們獲益良多。(女人生來就明白這一點(diǎn)，因此女女約會(huì)從來都沒有男男約會(huì)的那種尷尬;直女們總是不假思索地相約共進(jìn)晚餐或者看電影。)
"A lot of quality time is lost as we fritter around with minor stuff like the Final Four scores," said Mr. O'Donnell, who was on the verge of divorce in the mid-1980's before a series of conversations over meals and walks with a friend 20 years his senior changed his thinking. "He was instrumental in turning me around in the vulnerability that he showed," said Mr. O'Donnell, who wrote about the friendship in a book, "Walking With Arthur." "I can remember times when he wanted to know why I was going to leave my wife. No guy had ever done that before."
“當(dāng)我們把時(shí)間耗在四強(qiáng)賽分?jǐn)?shù)等小事上的時(shí)候，大把一起相處的寶貴時(shí)光一去不返，”奧唐奈說。上世紀(jì)80年代中期，他處于離婚邊緣，卻在和一位比他年長20歲的友人多次進(jìn)餐散步后改變了主意，當(dāng)時(shí)二人聊了很多東西。“他向我袒露了自己的脆弱之處，幫助我改變了想法，”在《和亞瑟一起散步》(Walking With Arthur)一書中描寫了這段友誼的奧唐奈說。“我記得當(dāng)時(shí)他想要了解，為什么我打算離開我妻子。此前從沒有男性朋友像他那樣做。”
While some men explicitly seek man dates, and others flatly reject them as pointless, most seem to view them as an unavoidable form of socializing in an age when friends can often catch up only by planning in advance. The ritual comes particularly into play for many men after college, as they adjust to a more structured, less spontaneous social life. "You see kids in college talking to each other, bull sessions," said Peter Nardi, a sociology professor at Pitzer College in Claremont, Calif., who edited a book called "Men's Friendships." "But the opportunities to get close to another man, to share and talk about their feelings, are not available after a certain age."
盡管有些男人會(huì)毫不掩飾地尋求男男約會(huì)，有些則認(rèn)為這毫無意義，會(huì)斷然拒絕，但大多數(shù)人都覺得，在一個(gè)通常只有事先安排好，朋友們才會(huì)小聚一番的時(shí)代，男男約會(huì)是一種不可避免的社交形式。對許多從大學(xué)畢業(yè)后，學(xué)著適應(yīng)更有規(guī)律、隨意性更小的社會(huì)生活的男性而言，這種約會(huì)尤其難以避免。“你看大學(xué)里的年輕人會(huì)相互交談，侃大山，”加利福尼亞州克萊蒙特市匹茲學(xué)院(Pitzer College)社會(huì)學(xué)教授、《兄弟情誼》(Men's Friendships)一書的編輯彼得·納迪(Peter Nardi)說。“但到了一定年齡之后，就不太有機(jī)會(huì)與另一個(gè)男人親近，分享和討論各自的感受了。”
The concern about being perceived as gay is one of the major complications of socializing one on one, many straight men acknowledge. That is what Mr. Speiser, now a graduate student at the University of Virginia, recalled about another man date he set up at a highly praised Italian restaurant in a strip mall in Charlottesville. It seemed a comfortable choice to meet his roommate, Thomas Kim, a lawyer, but no sooner had they walked in than they were confronted by cello music, amber lights, white tablecloths and a wine list.
許多直男承認(rèn)，擔(dān)心被當(dāng)成同性戀，是他們對一對一社交感到糾結(jié)的一個(gè)重要原因。目前在弗吉尼亞大學(xué)(University of Virginia)讀研的斯潘塞記得，他在夏洛茨維爾某單排商業(yè)區(qū)內(nèi)一家口碑極好意大利餐廳安排的另一場男男約會(huì)，就讓他有這種擔(dān)心。他約的是自己的室友、身為律師的托馬斯·金(Thomas Kim)，在那里見面本來看似會(huì)是一個(gè)舒適的選擇。但他們剛走進(jìn)餐廳，面對的便是以大提琴演奏的音樂、琥珀色的燈光、雪白的桌布以及一份酒單。
The two exchanged a look. "It was funny," Mr. Speiser said. "We just knew we couldn't do it." Within minutes they were eating fried chicken at a "down and dirty" place down the road.
兩人交換了一下眼神。“很搞笑，”斯潘塞說。“我們立刻知道我們做不來這個(gè)。”沒過幾分鐘，他們就在路邊一個(gè)“不入流的臟兮兮的”地方吃起了炸雞。
Mr. Kim, 28, who is now married, was flustered in part because he saw someone he knew at the Italian restaurant. "I was kind of worried that word might get out," he said. "This is weird, and now there is a witness maybe."
現(xiàn)年28歲的金目前已經(jīng)結(jié)婚了，他當(dāng)時(shí)之所以有些慌神，部分是因?yàn)樵谀羌乙獯罄蛷d里看到了自己認(rèn)識(shí)的一個(gè)人。“我有點(diǎn)兒擔(dān)心消息會(huì)傳出去，”他說。“這很古怪，而且現(xiàn)在可能還有了一個(gè)目擊者。”
Dinner with a friend has not always been so fraught. Before women were considered men's equals, some gender historians say, men routinely confided in and sought advice from one another in ways they did not do with women, even their wives. Then, these scholars say, two things changed during the last century: an increased public awareness of homosexuality created a stigma around male intimacy, and at the same time women began encroaching on traditionally male spheres, causing men to become more defensive about notions of masculinity.
和一位朋友共進(jìn)晚餐并非一直都這么令人擔(dān)憂。一些性別史研究者稱，在女人被認(rèn)為與男人平等以前，男人們常常相互吐露衷腸，并向彼此征詢意見，但卻不會(huì)這樣與女人交流，就算是他們的妻子也不行。這些學(xué)者說，接著，在上個(gè)世紀(jì)，有兩件事發(fā)生了改變：同性戀更多的進(jìn)入了公共意識(shí)，讓同性之間的親密互動(dòng)被打上了負(fù)面烙印;與此同時(shí)，女人開始蠶食傳統(tǒng)上屬于男人的領(lǐng)域，導(dǎo)致男人要更多地去捍衛(wèi)自己男性氣質(zhì)的表達(dá)。
"If men become too close to other men, then they are always vulnerable to this accusation of, 'Oh, you must be gay,"' said Gregory Lehne, a medical psychologist at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine who has studied gender issues. At the same time, he added, "When you have women in the same world and seeking equality with men, then all of a sudden issues emerge in the need to maintain the male sex role."
“如果男人和其他男人太過親密，那他們常常很容易受到這樣的指責(zé)：‘哦，你一定是同性戀，’”約翰·霍普金斯醫(yī)學(xué)院(Johns Hopkins School of Medicine)研究性別問題的醫(yī)學(xué)心理學(xué)家格雷戈里·萊內(nèi)(Gregory Lehne)說。他還表示，同時(shí)，“在和你身處同一個(gè)世界的女人尋求男女平等之際，突然間就出現(xiàn)了需要維護(hù)男性性別角色的問題。”
And thus a simple meal turns into social Stratego. Some men avoid dinner altogether unless the friend is coming from out of town or has a specific problem that he wants advice about. Otherwise, grabbing beers at a bar will do just fine, thank you.
就這樣，吃一頓意義單純的飯?jiān)谏鐣?huì)上變成了容易授人以柄的舉動(dòng)。一些男人會(huì)避免一同進(jìn)餐，除非友人是從外地過來的，或者有特定的問題想要咨詢。否則的話，在酒吧喝幾杯啤酒就好，謝了。
Other men say dinners may be all right, but never brunch, although a post-hangover meal taking place during brunch hours is O.K. "The company at that point is purely secondary," explained Steven Carlson, 29, a public relations executive in Chicago.
另外一些男人則表示，共進(jìn)晚餐或許可以，但絕不能是早午餐，盡管宿醉之后在午餐時(shí)間一起找補(bǔ)一頓還是可以接受的。“在那種時(shí)刻，陪伴完全是次要的，”現(xiàn)年29歲，在芝加哥當(dāng)公關(guān)主管的史蒂芬·卡爾森(Steven Carlson)解釋道。
Almost all men agree that beer and hard alcohol are acceptable man date beverages, but wine is risky. And sharing a bottle is out of the question. "If a guy wants to get a glass of wine, that's O.K.," said Rob Discher, 24, who moved to Washington from Dallas and has dinner regularly with his male roommate. "But there is something kind of odd about splitting a bottle of wine with a guy."
幾乎所有男人都一致認(rèn)為，啤酒和烈酒是進(jìn)行男男約會(huì)時(shí)可以接受的飲料，但喝紅酒就有點(diǎn)危險(xiǎn)了。此外，絕不能共飲一瓶紅酒。“如果一個(gè)人想要來一杯紅酒，那沒問題，”現(xiàn)年24歲，從達(dá)拉斯搬到了華盛頓、會(huì)經(jīng)常和男性室友共進(jìn)晚餐的羅布·迪舍爾(Rob Discher)說。“但要是和一個(gè)男人共飲一瓶紅酒，總感覺有點(diǎn)兒怪。”
Other restaurant red flags include coat checks, busboys who ask, "Still or sparkling?" and candles, unless there is a power failure. All of those are fine, however, at a steakhouse. "Your one go-to is if you go and get some kind of meat product," explained James Halow, 28, who works for a leveraged buyout firm in San Francisco.
此外，得遠(yuǎn)離這樣的餐廳：設(shè)有衣帽間的，服務(wù)生會(huì)問“帶汽還是不帶汽的礦泉水”的，以及點(diǎn)著蠟燭的——除非趕上停電。不過，如果是在一家牛排館里，以上這些還是可以接受的。“要是想吃某種肉類產(chǎn)品，這會(huì)是一個(gè)很好的選擇，”現(xiàn)年28歲，在舊金山一家杠桿收購公司工作的詹姆斯·哈洛(James Halow)解釋道。
Cooking for a friend at home violates the man date comfort zone for almost everyone, with a possible exemption for grilling or deep-frying. "The grilling thing would take away the majority of the stigma because there is a masculine overtone to the grill," Mr. Discher said.
幾乎對所有人而言，為朋友在家里做飯都打破了男男約會(huì)的舒適區(qū)，也許吃燒烤或者油炸食物可以是例外。“燒烤會(huì)讓大部分不光彩的感覺煙消云散，因?yàn)闊炯苣苷蔑@陽剛之氣，”迪舍爾說。
And man dates should always be Dutch treat, men agree. Armen Myers, 28, a lawyer in New York who is an unabashed man dater, remembers when he tried to pay for dinner for a friend. "I just plopped out the money and didn't even think about it," Mr. Myers said. "He said, 'What are you doing?' And I'm like: 'I was going to pay. What's the big deal?' And he said something like, 'Guys don't pay for me,' or 'No one pays for me.' There was a certain slight power issue."
男人們一致認(rèn)為，赴男男之約時(shí)一定要采取AA制?，F(xiàn)年28歲、在紐約當(dāng)律師的阿爾緬·邁爾斯(Armen Myers)，是一個(gè)從不遮遮掩掩的男男約會(huì)者，他還記得自己試圖為共進(jìn)晚餐的一位友人買單時(shí)的情形。“我想都沒想就把錢掏了出來，”邁爾斯說，“他問，‘你這是干嘛?’我回答：‘我要買單啊，有問題嗎?’而他好像是這樣說的：‘我不會(huì)讓男人為我買單的’，或者‘誰也不許為我買單。’這其中顯然會(huì)涉及某個(gè)小小的權(quán)力問題。”
When attending a movie together -- preferably with explosions or heavy special effects, never a romantic comedy -- guys prefer to put a nice big seat between each other. (This only sounds like an episode of "Seinfeld.") "Going to the movie with one other guy is sort of weird, but you can balance it out by having a seat space between you," explained Ames McArdle, a financial analyst in Washington.
一起去看電影時(shí)——電影里最好有爆炸場景或者大量特效鏡頭，絕不可以看浪漫喜劇片——男人們寧愿分開來坐，彼此之間隔著一個(gè)大大的空位。(就好像《宋飛傳》(Seinfeld)中的一集那樣。)“和另一個(gè)男人一起看電影有點(diǎn)兒怪，但如果你們之間隔著一個(gè)空位，就可以抵消一部分怪怪的感覺，”華盛頓的一名金融分析師埃姆斯·麥卡德爾(Ames McArdle)說。
Men who avoid man dates altogether are often puzzled by the suggestion that they might like to spend time with male friends. "If you're buddies with another guy, there shouldn't be any work involved," Mr. Halow of San Francisco said. Which is why many men say that a successful man dates requires a guy to demonstrate concern for his friend without ever letting on. "The amount of preparation that the other guy is making is directly proportional to how awkward it is," Mr. McArdle of Washington said.
會(huì)完全避開男男約會(huì)的男人，在面對他們或許想要和男性友人共度時(shí)光這一提示時(shí)，常常感到困惑。“如果你和另一個(gè)男人是好友，你們的交往就不應(yīng)該那么麻煩，”舊金山的哈洛說。正因?yàn)槿绱?，許多男人都說，男男約會(huì)取得成功的必要條件是：一個(gè)男人得表現(xiàn)出對朋友的關(guān)心，但又絕不能承認(rèn)這一點(diǎn)。“另一個(gè)男人為約會(huì)所做準(zhǔn)備的程度，直接關(guān)系到約會(huì)的尷尬程度，”華盛頓的麥卡德爾說。
When man daters socialize with non-man daters, the activities always fall to the lowest common denominator. Mr. Myers of New York remembers how he would ask his roommate Jonathan Freimann out for dinner by himself. But Mr. Freimann would instinctively pre-empt, by asking other guys along.
當(dāng)男男約會(huì)者與非男男約會(huì)者交際時(shí)，其活動(dòng)往往會(huì)牽扯到盡可能多的人。紐約的邁爾斯還記得自己當(dāng)初想單獨(dú)邀請室友喬納森·弗賴曼(Jonathan Freimann)出去吃晚餐。但弗賴曼卻會(huì)自然而然地?fù)屜刃袆?dòng)，叫上一堆人。
"If I had known he wanted to spend one-on-one time, I would have," Mr. Freimann explained, adding that group dinners had simply seemed "more fun." (The two had dinner in San Diego last week.)
“如果知道他想和我單獨(dú)待在一起，我會(huì)照做的，”弗賴曼解釋道，他還表示，之所以找一群人聚餐，只是因?yàn)槟菢铀坪?ldquo;更有趣”。(上周，兩人在圣地亞哥共進(jìn)了晚餐。)
Jeffrey Toohig, 27, is a more reliable bet for Mr. Myers. They regularly have dinner together to discuss women, jobs and whatever else is on their minds, because, as Mr. Toohig put it, "the conversation is more in-depth than you can have at a bar." Mr. Toohig, who is looking for a job helping underdeveloped countries, divides his male friends into two groups: "good friends who I go out one on one with, and guys I go out with and we have beers and wings." And, he pointed out, dinner with Mr. Myers has the advantage of not making his girlfriend jealous, the way dinners with his female friends do.
對邁爾斯來說，27歲的杰弗里·圖西格(Jeffrey Toohig)是一個(gè)更為可靠的選擇。他們會(huì)定期共進(jìn)晚餐，討論女人、工作以及內(nèi)心的其他所有想法，因?yàn)檎鐖D西格所言，“這種談話比酒吧里能夠展開的那種更有深度。”圖西格正在尋找一份可以對欠發(fā)達(dá)國家有所幫助的工作，他把自己的男性朋友分成兩類：“我會(huì)與之單獨(dú)見面的好朋友，以及一群人一起出門喝啤酒吃雞翅的哥們。”此外，他指出，和圖西格共進(jìn)晚餐的一大好處是不會(huì)讓他女朋友心生妒忌，和女性朋友單獨(dú)吃晚餐就不行了。
All men, however, agree that one rule of guy-meets-guy time is inviolable: if a woman enters the picture, a man can drop his buddies, last minute, no questions asked.
不過，所有男人一致認(rèn)為，男男約會(huì)不得違反的規(guī)矩是：如果一個(gè)女人出現(xiàn)了，約會(huì)一方可以對好友爽約，哪怕是最后一分鐘，并且無需解釋。
A romantic date always trumps a man date.
浪漫約會(huì)的地位永遠(yuǎn)高于男男約會(huì)。
