老友記第三季The One The Morning After
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- 參考譯文
“前情提要”我覺得自己好像沒有女朋友你是不是要我辭職好讓你覺得自己有女朋友?這又是為了馬克嗎?我的老天爺我的老天爺我不能老是跟你為同一件事情吵架也許我們應(yīng)該冷靜一下很好，你說得對我們冷靜一下我們?nèi)コ岳鋬鰞?yōu)格我們分手吧然后我們大吵一架，弄得很僵我告訴他我想冷靜一下我不想分開這太荒謬了我們不能溝通嗎?你想喝什么?那是誰?沒有人那是馬克嗎?親愛的，他只是過來…好，我懂了來跳舞吧你是有婦之夫，是吧?因為這也無所謂 “第二天早上”昨晚的周年紀(jì)念日大餐怎么樣?我們根本沒機會吃晚餐很好我們分手了什么?我的天，噴到天花板了沒關(guān)系這件事的重要性超過…天花板上的水果你們分手了?對，不過沒關(guān)系羅斯走了以后，馬克來了不會吧，你跟馬克?沒關(guān)系，別緊張馬克跟我聊了很久我了解自己有多愛你的蠢大哥我們有問題，但我真心想跟他繼續(xù)交往下去早安是我，我找了你一整夜我好難過我跟馬克沒有什么我們分手這事真是太愚蠢了對我這樣折磨你，真對不起我不想用答錄機和好我愛你我愛你跟你說，我要睡了但我明天早上上班的時候八點半過來，再見克蘿伊，你好了沒有?你覺得我應(yīng)該買什么樣的狗?買只大狗怎么樣?可是我的公寓…那買小狗好了我們該走了等等，我的鞋子呢?你要穿鞋子?我們干嘛這么趕?我不是跟你提過我女友嗎?結(jié)果她想跟我復(fù)合找到了那真是太好了你一定很高興對，我是覺得很高興祝你們好運謝謝你聽到我的留言沒有?你真準(zhǔn)時我可以再當(dāng)你的女朋友嗎?當(dāng)然可以，這樣最好了你干嘛拖天花板?上面有香蕉有個印第安老女人的靈魂住在我家客廳里那你懂啦郵差來過了我?guī)湍惆燕]件拿上來很好，謝謝那是法布科技的東西嗎?不要看不起我，好嗎?我看到這個我發(fā)誓我從來沒有…買過購物頻道的東西除了這只拖把以外不過這個刮腿毛膏很棒刮刮看！對，你看過?這太棒了我早就想當(dāng)刮刮看女郎我知道你覺得這真的不會痛嗎?怎么會不痛的呢?哈羅，最近才在雨林發(fā)現(xiàn)的有機物質(zhì)?里面都是上等貨我的天我的天我們找不到你還以為你去跟瑞秋和好了其實應(yīng)該這樣才對你說呢?我完蛋了，我該怎么辦?瑞秋滿口說著“我愛你”而我腦子里只想著…如果我把實情告訴她她會怎么樣?首先，我們應(yīng)該談比較重要的問題你到底有多蠢?我們努力想恢復(fù)這份感情，好嗎?如果不誠實，還談什么感情?我也贊成要坦承，真的不過會惹麻煩的事還是少說為妙他說的對，這對誰都沒好處只會讓你傷害她到時候感情也沒了你不覺得…如果你非說不可至少先等適當(dāng)?shù)臅r機再說所以臨終之前才要懺悔好吧好好，我們必須確定她不會從其它管道知道你覺得有沒有串連?什么串連?從跟你做這件事的女人到你千方百計要隱瞞的女人永遠(yuǎn)不要忘了中間的串連我想應(yīng)該沒有任何串連克蘿伊的同事艾塞克…艾塞克的妹妹潔絲敏是菲比在按摩中心的同事菲比是瑞秋的朋友這就是串連，我找到了把刮腿毛膏和麻布條貼在腿毛上好了抓住突出的布條瞬間扯下來，完全無痛這不是無痛的嗎?不，痛死了我的天，這應(yīng)該叫痛痛膏加一點腿毛膏廣告上的女孩好像不覺得有這么痛那是因為她們太笨所以神經(jīng)都死掉了如果你不相信我的話盡管自己試試看這下你該慶幸我們沒有貼比基尼布條了吧?克蘿伊，嗨是為了我拿走你的手表嗎?你拿了我的手表?對不起，我有這種習(xí)慣你留著吧，聽我說你把我們的事跟別人說了嗎?沒有，我覺得不關(guān)別人的事沒錯，那你沒有告訴艾塞克羅?我什么事都告訴艾塞克真的?那當(dāng)然啦嗨，艾塞克我們還沒有正式見過面你這只發(fā)情的小狗對，我想我是一只小狗不過我有個女朋友對，咖啡廳的瑞秋我不想傷害她我知道不管我們有多愛她們一夫一妻制是違反人性的聽我說可以替我保守秘密嗎?沒問題我們要互相關(guān)照才行你跟我是一樣的其實我們是不一樣的一樣的不一樣一樣不一樣好，不一樣對不過我們是一樣的好，我只想知道你不會告訴你妹妹我可以保證不會再跟她說潔絲敏?我們在菲比的生日派對見過，我是羅斯你做了一件壞事沒錯壞透了不可原諒我完全同意你的話聽我說，你告訴菲比沒有?拜托你不要說我很愛我的女朋友希望跟她繼續(xù)交往好吧謝謝你…不過你應(yīng)該去找我的室友我跟他說了，他也認(rèn)識菲比你的室友是誰?告訴我你沒有告訴瑞秋我跟影印店那女孩的事對不起難道我不該說?我們沒事我們只是在刮腿把腿刮掉?告訴你們，男人永遠(yuǎn)不會經(jīng)歷這種痛苦你最好不要說這種話除非你的重要部位…曾經(jīng)被狠狠踢過只不過女人的門檻比男人低罷了拜托，只不過是一點腿毛膏是嗎?過來你太幼稚了現(xiàn)在撕掉就好了嗎?沒錯拜托你跟我說話跟你說話?我連看都不想看你一眼不痛了她說沒事了他們在說些什么?你滾遠(yuǎn)一點我犯錯了，好嗎?犯錯?你放到哪里去了?她的皮包里?他放到哪里了?你跟另外一個女人上床我的天我早就知道有事我的指甲昨天一點都沒長長我想是他們吵了一架他喝醉了…你們男生早就知道卻沒跟我們說?他走桃花運，我們卻要挨打我要你馬上離開，滾出去我要留下來好好談這件事好，她怎么樣?什么？她厲害不厲害？不要回答你說要好好談?wù)勎覀兙蛠碚?，她怎么?遜不怎么樣爛透了，跟你沒得此她不一樣好的不一樣?沒有人喜歡改變夠了，什么？好……我們該做些什么嗎?對，永遠(yuǎn)不要欺騙瑞秋對不起，好嗎?我很抱歉我當(dāng)時很受不了我自己今天早上，我很難過然后收到你的留言我好高興我一心只想把她趕出我的公寓…等一下你的小朋友是幾點離開的?我的天，她在?她那時還在你家?我在你家的時候她也在?聽我說，重點是她對我毫無意義卻值得你為她破壞我們的關(guān)系那時候我不知道我們還有關(guān)系我們分手了只是暫時冷靜一下對我來說，那可能是一輩子那就是分手你想用技術(shù)性細(xì)節(jié)逃掉嗎?我不想逃掉什么我以為我們的關(guān)系完了你馬上就去享艷福了我想我們不該再聽下去了你干嘛?我們不能出去為什么不行?我餓了因為他們會知道我們在偷聽老天，我還得從甘瑟那里聽到這件事我到處奔波就是不想讓你知道你好體貼我想我又重新愛上你了我們可以出去了他們有其它的事要擔(dān)心不會有事的瑞秋，我早就想告訴你我覺得我應(yīng)該告訴你但是錢德和喬伊叫我不要說把門用臘封起來我們再也不走了我是菲比，李哈克先生九點來得有人幫我代班因為現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)九點一刻我人還沒到之所以會發(fā)生這種事都是因為…我以為那時候你在跟馬克上床好就說我跟馬克上了床你可以原諒我嗎?我會的你不介意馬克吻我跟我裸裎相見跟我做愛?要是你知道我們火熱汗?jié)?、翻滾的身體…我會不知如何是好不過我還是想跟你在一起因為，是你啊說吧，告訴我你在想什么我想……叫一個披薩叫一個披薩，意思是， “我原諒你”?老天披薩?我喜歡吃披薩披薩上面放橄欖枝我們可以吃腿毛膏那是有機的太好了，連毛一起吃下去不，我不是說用過的因為那樣很神經(jīng)?可以算我一份嗎?因為我也餓了好我想要一份大號的披薩我不要放鳀魚多加一份鳀魚沒關(guān)系，我挑掉就好了麻煩你拿些鳀魚剁碎了攪到醬汁里好嗎?你想吃的話，最后一塊給你應(yīng)該的，你跟別人上床了他們應(yīng)該會和好吧?當(dāng)然啦，他們是羅斯跟瑞秋呢他們非和好不可萬一他們不能和好呢?你們覺得我需要新的走路姿勢嗎?什么?我從高中開始走路的姿勢都一樣你知道有些人不管到哪里就吸引所有人的目光我想我需要吸引目光的走路姿勢你說真的嗎?你現(xiàn)在連話都不跟我說了聽我說，對不起我很抱歉，我當(dāng)時瘋了我以為我會失去你不知道如何是好我一定是完全瘋了才會做這種事我不是對愛情不忠的人我不是這種人，我不是喬伊現(xiàn)在是半夜三點了他們還不知道我已經(jīng)回家了他們也沒奇怪我到哪里去了人有時候就是只想到自己你知道嗎?不是我要冷靜一下的是你要離開的，是你…是你在事情不順利的時候逃跑的那那怎么樣既不是當(dāng)時，也不是現(xiàn)在現(xiàn)在我們…又是進退兩難你打算怎么辦?你打算怎么處理?你想繼續(xù)努力還是逃跑?聽我說，我做了一件過份而且非常愚蠢的事對不起，我希望能改變歷史但是不可能我只是不能眼睜睜看著一段美好的感情就此破滅我好愛你不要，羅斯，不要你不能吻我兩下就讓整件事煙消云散事情不是這樣的這樣只會越弄越糟我覺得你應(yīng)該離開什么?我真的覺得你該走了今天早上你還說我們什么事情都可以溝通我那時候知道什么?我們一定有辦法度過這一關(guān)我不能想象沒有你的日子沒有這雙手臂你的臉孔和你的心你善良的心，瑞秋…我辦不到你在我眼里完全變了我以前總覺得你永遠(yuǎn)永遠(yuǎn)不會傷害我永遠(yuǎn)不會現(xiàn)在我滿腦子都是你跟她的畫面我做不到你說什么、做什么都沒用一切都不能回頭了永遠(yuǎn)不能不可能會這樣那為什么事實就是如此?他們好久沒動靜了也許她把他殺了我們走吧這是你新的走路姿勢嗎?不是，我快尿出來了
The One The Morning After
Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends.
[A montage of scenes from TOW Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
Ross: I mean, I don抰 feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore.
Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you抳e got a girlfriend?
Ross: Is this about Mark?
Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
Ross: Okay, it抯 not, it抯 not.
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break.
Ross: Fine, you抮e right. Let抯 ah, let抯 take a break, (goes to the door) let抯 cool off, okay, let抯 get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. (opens the door)
Rachel: No. A break from us.
(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]
Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don抰 want to take a break.
Ross: (on the phone) I抳e been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don抰, don抰 you think we can work on this?
Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?
Ross: Who抯 that?
Rachel: Nobody.
Ross: Is that Mark?
Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....
Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)
[Scene: The Philly.]
Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? 慍ause that抯 okay.
[Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]
THE NEXT MORNING
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: How抯 the big anniversary dinner?
Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner.
Monica: Ohhh, nice.
Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead.
Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit flies everywhere.)
Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it抯 on the ceiling.
Monica: That抯 okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke up?!
Rachel: Yeah, but it抯 okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.
Monica: Oh no!!
Rachel: No.
Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?!
Rachel: No, no-no, it抯 okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work.
[Scene: Ross抯 Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the bed and puts the covers over his head.]
Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning!
(Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the covers.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Ross抯 Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.]
Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it抯 me. I抳e been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid.
Ross: Yeah!!
Rachel: Eh, I抦 just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don抰 want to get back together over a machine.
Ross: Na-huh.
Rachel: So, I love you.
Ross: I love you.
Rachel: And y'know what, I抦 gonna, I抦 gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I抦 gonna stop by around 8:30.
Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.)
Rachel: Bye.
(Ross finds a clock, sees it抯 almost 8:30, and silently screams.)
Ross: Chloe, Chloe how抯 it coming?!!
Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get?
Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don抰 know. How about a big one?
Chloe: But my apartment is so...
Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let抯, we kinda have to get going!
Chloe: Wait! Where抯 my shoes?
Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches down and picks up a shoe)
Chloe: Do I know why we抮e rushing?
Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He抯 frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!
Chloe: That抯 so great for you guys!
Ross: Yeah!
Chloe: You must be so happy!
Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I抦 feeling. Well.... (picks up her coat)
Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.
Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!
Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.
Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.
Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?
Ross: Yes, you can, very much.
(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)
Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping the ceiling.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?
Monica: Oh, there抯 banana on it.
Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.
Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her head)
Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.
Monica: Oh, good. Thanks.
Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec?
Monica: Okay, all right don抰 judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing....
Phoebe: Waxine!!
Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?
Phoebe: Oh, it抯 incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.
Monica: I know!!
Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn抰 hurt? 慍ause how can they do that?
Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!
Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his terrible act.]
Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn抰 find you, you抎 gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?
Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I抦 in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel抯 all like, 慖 love you and, and let抯 work on this.? And all I can think about is, 慦hat is she gonna do? What is she gonna say??when I tell her what I did.
Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?
Ross: What?! Look, we抮e trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?
Joey: Look, Ross look, I抦 on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that抯 gonna get you in trouble.
Chandler: He抯 right. Nobody抯 gonna benefit, and you抮e just gonna hurt her.
Joey: Yeah, and there won抰 be a relationship left to rebuild.
Ross: Yeah, but don抰 you think....
Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing抯 right. And that抯 what deathbeds are for.
Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the footrest extended.)
Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn抰 find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail?
Ross: What trail?
Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! (slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail!
Ross: Oh, I-I don抰 think there抯 any trail.
Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac抯 sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe抯 friends with Rachel. And that抯 the trail, I did it!
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.]
Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one,
Monica: Did that!
Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its 慹asy grab tab?and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.
Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!
Phoebe: Was it not pain-free?
Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.
Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don抰 seem to think it抯 that bad.
Monica: That抯 because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don抰 believe me, please, by my guest.
Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!
Monica: Now, are you glad we didn抰 start with the bikini strips?
[Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.]
Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi..
Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch?
Ross: You took my watch?
Chloe: I抦 sorry, I do that.
Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?
Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn抰 really anybody抯 business, y'know.
Ross: Exactly. So you didn抰, didn抰 mention anything to Issac right?
Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.
Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven抰 actually met...
Issac: You dog!
Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend.
Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.
Ross: Yeah, that抯 the one. Listen, I don抰 want to hurt her.
Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn抰 matter how much we love 慹m, monogamy is too cruel a rule.
Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?
Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We抮e the same, you and me.
Ross: Actually, no, we抮e not.
Issac: Yeah, we are.
Ross: No, we抮e not.
Issac: Yeah, we are.
Ross: No, we抮e not!!
Issac: Okay, we抮e not.
Ross: Right.
Issac: But, we are.
Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you抮e not gonna tell your sister.
Issac: I can promise not to tell her again.
[Scene: Phoebe抯 Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.]
Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine?
Jasmine: Uh-huh.
Ross: We met at Phoebe抯 birthday party, I抦, I抦 Ross Geller.
Jasmine: You did a bad thing!
Ross: Yes, I did.
Jasmine: Very bad!
Ross: Very bad.
Jasmine: Very, very bad.
Ross: I抦 agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet?
Jasmine: No.
Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don抰. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?
Jasmine: All right.
Ross: Thank you, thank you.
Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too.
Ross: (angrily) Who抯 your roommate?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.]
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn抰 say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.
Gunther: I抦 sorry. Was I not supposed to?
(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica抯 Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax strips.]
Monica: Ow!
Phoebe: Oh!!
Monica: Ow!! Ow!!
Phoebe: Ow!!!
Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow!
(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.)
Phoebe: We抮e all right.
Monica: It抯 okay, it抯 okay.
Phoebe: We抮e all right.
Monica: We were just waxing our legs.
Chandler: Off?!!
Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.
Chandler: Yeah, well I don抰 think you can make that statement, unless you抳e been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.
Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that抯 all. I mean, come on, it抯 just a little wax.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on Joey抯 arm and puts a strip on it.)
Chandler: Oh, that抯 mature.
Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Monica: That抯 right.
(Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched whine.)
[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.]
Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the living room.]
Rachel: I can抰 talk to you. I can抰 even look at you right now!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing, nothing.
Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel said everything was okay.
Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking about?
Ross: Rachel?
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Just get away from me!
Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay?
Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?!
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.]
Monica: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk....
Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn抰 tell us?!
Chandler: (to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit in our heads.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!
Ross: No!!
Rachel: Just get out! Now!!
Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.
Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: Uh-oh.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: What?
Rachel: Was she good?
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Don抰 answer that.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let抯 talk about it!! How was she?
Ross: She was...
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Awful! Horrible!
Chandler: She was not good. Not good.
Joey: She was nothing compared to you.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: She, she was different.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Ewwwww!
Chandler: Uh-oh.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Good different?
Ross: Nobody likes change.
(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)
Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Phoebe: Should we do something?
Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: I抦 sorry, okay, I抦 sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible.
Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can抰 answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?!
(Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.)
Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me!
Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!!
(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monica抯 door, they all jump back at the sound.)
Ross: Look, I didn抰 think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up.
Rachel: We were on a break!
Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up.
Rachel: You think you抮e gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Ross: Look, I抦 not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead!
Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Y'know what, I don抰 think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to open the door)
Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you doing? You can抰 go out there.
Joey: Why not?! (to Chandler) I抦 hungry.
Monica: Because they抣l know we抳e been listening.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!
Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn抰 happen!
Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I抦 falling in love with you all over again.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about.
Joey: Yeah, we抣l be fine.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we抮e never leaving, ever.
[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they抮e all still trapped in Monica抯 bedroom.]
Phoebe: Hi, it抯 Phoebe. Listen someone抯 gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, 慶ause it抯 like 9:15 now, and I抦 not there.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Don抰 you realise none of this would抳e ever happened if I didn抰 think at that same moment you weren抰 having sex with Mark?
Rachel: All right. Let抯 say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?
Ross: (pause) Yes I would.
Rachel: You抎 be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?
Ross: (less sure) Yes.
Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were....
Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it抯, I mean it抯 you.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
All: Ohhhhh!
[Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.]
Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you抮e thinking?
Rachel: I抦 thinking, I抦 gonna order a pizza.
Ross: Order a pizza like, 慖 forgive you??br>
(She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.)
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like he is trying to send a telepathic message to Rachel) Put olives on the pizza.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It抯 organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because that would be crazy?
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I抦 kinda hungry myself.
Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I抎 like to order a large pizza.
Ross: No anchovies.
Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies.
Ross: That抯 okay, I抣l just pick 慹m off.
Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce?
[Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there抯 one piece left.]
Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want.
Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, they抮e all eating the wax, Chandler and Phoebe, don抰 like it. Joey tries some and makes a face like: 慔ey, that抯 not so bad.抅
Phoebe: They抮e gonna get through this, aren抰 they?
Chandler: Yeah, come on, it抯 Ross and Rachel, they抳e got too.
Monica: What if they don抰?
(Long pause.)
Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well y'know, I抳e been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 憈ake notice?walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
[Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the couch, Ross is on the chair.]
Ross: What, now you抮e not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-I抦 sorry, okay, I抦 sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I抎 lost you, I didn抰 know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don抰 cheat right, I, that抯 not me, I抦 not Joey!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a 慶ome on?look.) Yeah, okay.
Monica: Hey. It抯 three in the morning. They don抰 know that I抳e come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I抦-I抦 not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You抮e the one that bailed on us. You抮e the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough!
Rachel: That抯....
Ross: That抯 what?!
Rachel: That is neither here nor there.
Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we抮e in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I抦 sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can抰. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can抰 see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.
(He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then the side of her face, then just before he kisses her on the lips....)
Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away from him) Don抰! You can抰 just kiss me and think you抮e gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn抰 work that way. It doesn抰 just make it better. Okay?
Ross: Okay, okay, okay.
Rachel: (softly) I think you should go.
Ross: What?
Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go now.
Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her) Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn抰 work past it together...
Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know!
Ross: Look, look, there抯 got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can抰 imagine, I can抰 imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....
Rachel: (crying) No. I can抰, you抮e a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can抰 stop picturing with her, I can抰, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesn抰 matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It抯 just changed, everything. Forever.
[We see the rest of them are now crying.]
Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can抰 be it, I mean.
(pause)
Rachel: Then how come it is?
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom.]
Phoebe: They抳e been quiet for a long time.
Joey: Maybe she killed him?
Chandler: Let抯 go.
[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them can finally emerge from their cell. They all wave good bye, and start to walk quietly out, as Monica goes and puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking all hunched over and bobbing his shoulders as he goes.]
Chandler: (to Joey) Is that your new walk?
Joey: (whispering) No, I really have to pee.
END
