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老友記第四季The One With The Worst Best Man Ever

所屬教程:老友記第四季

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來(lái)這里后第十次小便了。 你好象也說(shuō)過(guò)十次了。 抱歉,聽到這種事肯定不舒服。任憑三個(gè)嬰兒在膀胱上大唱音樂(lè)劇才叫爽! 我煩透懷孕了。唯一樂(lè)趣是杯咖啡還不含咖啡因,都是懷孕鬧的! Pheebs,想吃點(diǎn)小甜餅嗎? 非常感謝。 情緒波動(dòng)是怎么開始的? 我的情緒波動(dòng)還沒開始。 嘿 看戒指。 我愿意!萬(wàn)分愿意! 告別單身派對(duì)打算怎么搞? 你該先選伴郎,再讓伴郎保管結(jié)婚戒指和籌劃告別單身派對(duì) 不好意思 我已經(jīng)請(qǐng)錢德做我的伴郎。 什么?你第一次結(jié)婚、他就是伴郎。 Joey,我希望你能理解。我認(rèn)識(shí)他長(zhǎng)久得多 別這樣,Ross! 我沒有兄弟,我將沒機(jī)會(huì)做伴郎了。 你可以等我結(jié)婚時(shí)做我的伴郎 看來(lái)我永遠(yuǎn)沒有機(jī)會(huì)做伴郎了! 等等。你當(dāng)了我兩次伴郎而我卻不能當(dāng)一次你的伴郎? 喔,不,你當(dāng)然是我的伴郎 那我怎么辦?你剛才說(shuō)我會(huì)是你的伴郎 我還沒結(jié)婚呢。所以這個(gè)問(wèn)題只有科幻小說(shuō)作家才能解答 我不信,你竟然不選我 為什么不是我?! 我還沒。。。 好吧,那這樣。從現(xiàn)在開始,我希望Joey是我的伴郎 這才對(duì)。你羞不羞呀 不要?jiǎng)?/ 怎么呢? 一個(gè)小孩正在踢著玩 這是好事。 它不是踢我。它在踢另一個(gè)小孩。 別招我進(jìn)來(lái)修理你! 嘿 我想借一個(gè)大碗,你們有嗎? 有的,在櫥柜下面。 謝謝. / 你要它干嘛? 喔,我們明天晚上要開一個(gè)大聚會(huì)。 嘿,你準(zhǔn)備邀請(qǐng)我們嗎? -以后再說(shuō) -嘿,你給我滾回來(lái)、小崔!! 荷爾蒙作用! Phoebe想說(shuō)的是,你們?cè)趺茨苓@樣,開聚會(huì)而不邀請(qǐng)我們? 喔,這是Ross的單身漢聚會(huì) 那又怎樣? / 你們是單身漢嗎? 不是! /你們是跳脫衣舞的嗎? 不是! /那么你們將不被邀請(qǐng)。 好吧。那么我們也不會(huì)邀請(qǐng)你參加我們的聚會(huì) 喔,什么聚會(huì)? 嗯。?!?為Phoebe舉辦的新生兒送禮會(huì)! 新生兒送禮會(huì). 喔! 這個(gè)聚會(huì)我好像不想?yún)⒓印T僖?竟為我辦聚會(huì)。太好了 聚會(huì),耶~!我怎么哭了。 我目前計(jì)劃為聚會(huì)準(zhǔn)備啤酒,多來(lái)幾箱。 很好. 好,現(xiàn)在看該邀請(qǐng)誰(shuí)。你,我, Chandler,還有阿甘,因?yàn)槲覀冇懻撆蓪?duì)時(shí)太大聲 我會(huì)去的 聚會(huì)是給你辦的,但邀請(qǐng)博物館呆子時(shí)是不是控制一下數(shù)量 好,我不打算邀請(qǐng)人類學(xué)家。只邀請(qǐng)恐龍學(xué)家。 那我們需要6箱Zima酒! 伙計(jì)們,在干嘛? 喔,我在和伴郎籌劃單身漢聚會(huì) 希望能比上次辦得好 這次不在Pizza Hut的地下室舉行,要辦得好些并不很難 喔,我是Ross.必勝客配不上我 我去接ben了。joey,目前為止你干得很好記住,派對(duì)要辦得穩(wěn)重一些 我們幾個(gè)玩玩紙牌,不要脫衣舞什么的 行啊. / 好了,再見. 再見。好好享受、籌劃你的穩(wěn)重的單身漢聚會(huì)吧 到時(shí)候會(huì)有脫衣舞的。他又沒說(shuō)不能有脫衣舞 他剛才說(shuō):“不要有脫衣舞” 我選擇不聽這句話。 看我買了什么。他們竟為小孩設(shè)計(jì)了這些衣服 是為小村民設(shè)計(jì)的 那看看這個(gè)。這是我最喜歡的 喔,太漂亮了 我知道。Phoebe肯定喜歡給 BB穿這些衣服 對(duì)。不過(guò),Phoebe不會(huì)給他們穿衣服 因?yàn)樗苌还莛B(yǎng) 從沒有如此傷感的慶生會(huì) 不如送一些生完小孩后能用到的東西,比如含咖啡因的咖啡,龍舌蘭酒 還有她一直想要的皮褲! 她必定開心。 這是什么?送我兩個(gè)月內(nèi)都用不上的東西,難道會(huì)使我開心? 差勁。下一個(gè)禮物是什么? 其他沒什么了 那些脫衣舞娘…… 怎么? /邀請(qǐng)得好! 好,我宣布,我決定我的伴郎由我最好的朋友阿甘擔(dān)任 我姓什么? Central Perk? 謝謝你沒有娶Rachel. 喔,等一下, 阿甘,不要忘記你的T恤 嘿,這是什么? 聚會(huì)小禮物,你看 哇! 帥! 哦! 好,我宣布,我的伴郎位置空缺 新娘的人選也沒定 太棒了! 又耍嘴皮子,老兄, 你脖子上有辣椒 好了,謝謝大家。聚會(huì)很棒。各位,星期一早上見謝謝Joey。 嘿,不要忘記拿你的T恤/ 謝謝! 博物館的伙計(jì)們,聚會(huì)結(jié)束了。好了,再見,跟這位女士再見。你們?cè)撟吡?。回父母的地下室去?來(lái),伙計(jì)們,出來(lái)。 多么可愛的小東西呀。你養(yǎng)的嗎? /是的! 雞鴨也能當(dāng)寵物養(yǎng)? 對(duì)。我的鴨子訓(xùn)練有素??次冶硌萁o你看。看著墻,不要?jiǎng)樱兂砂咨?你很擅長(zhǎng)馴鴨。今晚我很開心,你辦聚會(huì)很在行。 謝謝。很高興認(rèn)識(shí)你。以后我的朋友結(jié)婚或過(guò)生日或慶祝周二 盡管找我。晚安 你愿意留下來(lái)嗎? 要我留下?/你可以跟我的鴨子玩. 嘿—— 脫衣舞娘! 脫衣舞娘偷了戒指!! Chandler! Chandler, 起床! 什么? /戒指不見了! 等一會(huì)。給點(diǎn)時(shí)間讓我清醒一下。哈哈,你丟了戒指,你是史上最差勁伴郎 伙計(jì),這不好玩。我該怎么辦?我昨晚睡了一覺,一切都很好。但一覺醒來(lái),脫衣舞娘不見了,戒指也不見了 你和脫衣舞娘睡覺? 當(dāng)然!! 各位好. / Hi! Phoebe. / Hi Phoebe. 我想向你們道歉,我知道我在昨天的送禮會(huì)上有點(diǎn)神經(jīng)質(zhì)。都是荷爾蒙搗鬼 是呀 / “荷爾蒙”. / 對(duì). 不管怎樣,我要謝謝你們。聚會(huì)太溫馨了 你現(xiàn)在好象好多了。太好了。那么你目前的情況如何? 我很好。別老是談我,你們最近如何? 我們剛在討論我不去參加Ross 婚禮的事情/ 喔! 過(guò)去發(fā)生那么多事,若去參加婚禮,那太讓人難過(guò)了 這讓我想起一件事。我露宿街頭時(shí),一個(gè)家伙同意給我買吃的,不過(guò)前提是我陪他睡覺 這兩件事有什么相似之處嗎? 讓我想想。不太相似。我那是在溫飽線上掙扎,你的煩惱不過(guò)是些高中時(shí)代的風(fēng)花雪月 對(duì)不起,我只是覺得... 眼淚攻勢(shì)來(lái)了 Ugh! 我不知道我還能做什么。我打電話給脫衣舞公司,但他們根本不理我。 然后我打電話給911,他們卻嘲笑我。這都不算是緊急事件,那什么事才算? 大家好! / Hey! / Heyˇ 非常感謝昨晚的晚會(huì),晚會(huì)太棒了。大家都很盡興 昨天來(lái)的人中有一個(gè)從來(lái)沒有參加過(guò)單身漢聚會(huì),還有一個(gè)從來(lái)沒有參加過(guò)聚會(huì) 那個(gè)結(jié)婚戒指,很漂亮。 是的! 我想我也許會(huì)去為我自己買一個(gè) 那個(gè)戒指?當(dāng)我外祖母第一次到這個(gè)國(guó)家來(lái)時(shí),這個(gè)戒指和衣服是她唯一擁有的東西 你的意思是這個(gè)戒指無(wú)可替代? 當(dāng)然。它已經(jīng)在我們家族中傳了好幾代了,每個(gè)得到它的新娘都擁有了長(zhǎng)久和幸福的生活。 也就是說(shuō)這是一個(gè)魔戒 脫衣舞娘偷了它 偷了我的戒指?我的結(jié)婚戒指?那個(gè)脫衣舞娘偷了它?怎么會(huì)?怎么會(huì)這樣? 我想這一切從你說(shuō)“嘿, Joey,為什么不作我的伴郎”開始。 我要打電話給警察 喂,我是把事情弄糟了,但你也沒必要告發(fā)我。 不是告發(fā)你,而是告發(fā)那個(gè)脫衣舞娘 喔,我已經(jīng)報(bào)警了。他們說(shuō)等處理完所有的謀殺案后,他們會(huì)來(lái)調(diào)查的 那么我們打電話到她的公司 我也打了。但他們沒有告訴我她的真實(shí)姓名和號(hào)碼 他們還說(shuō)“如果我再打攪他們的話,他們就叫警察” 我說(shuō)“如果你打電話給警察局,別忘記告訴他們我丟了一個(gè)戒指” 那么, Joey,你現(xiàn)在想告訴我什么?我們現(xiàn)在毫無(wú)辦法? 怎么會(huì)發(fā)生這種事 Ross, 我非常非常的抱歉ˇ 要不我們打電話找她,用一個(gè)假名,讓她到我辦公室來(lái) 這一定有趣,但我們現(xiàn)在需要先找戒指 給你茶, Phoebe. 太好了。謝謝 好. / 你喜歡,我們很開心 喔! / 什么?! / 什么?! 是她泡的茶! 喔! 不,我想我剛才宮縮了一下. 什么? / 天啦! 是的,我剛才認(rèn)為幾分鐘前我宮縮了一下,現(xiàn)在我知道我肯定宮縮了 等等,你不能在這生孩子! 我的意思是自從那些男孩子搬走了,我還沒對(duì)這里消過(guò)毒 好吧,我們會(huì)沒事的。這樣,我去燒些開水并去撕些床單 不用了,現(xiàn)在好了。這次可能是假性宮縮。他們說(shuō)在晚期會(huì)有這種現(xiàn)象。給我把書拿來(lái) Rachel, 去拿書,那本書 好!給你 圣經(jīng)?! /我不知道拿哪本書! 好了,很好,Chandler, 你坐到桌子那邊去 她開開心心跑來(lái),她不會(huì)認(rèn)出你,因?yàn)?,嗯,為什么?huì)認(rèn)出你呢?然后,你給我和Ross發(fā)信號(hào) 你是Mr. Gonzalez, 我是, Mr. Wong. 我們倆換一下. 有人叫警衛(wèi)嗎? 你鎮(zhèn)定一些. 你們哪一個(gè)是阿甘 Central-Perk? 嘿,Joey? 我的戒指在那里?我那死去的外祖母的戒指在哪里? 伙計(jì),鎮(zhèn)定一些. 他在說(shuō)什么? 有個(gè)戒指在我床頭柜的盒子里,你走了以后,它就不見了 什么,你們認(rèn)為我偷了戒指? / 是的! 你拿它,就可以少干些活,還能少些懺悔 你們是誰(shuí)? Hardy boys? 記著,我不需要什么愚蠢的戒指,知道嗎? 我每個(gè)星期掙$1,600,你們誰(shuí)能掙這么多? 嫁給我吧. 我真不明白。戒指整個(gè)晚上都在我房間里!如果她沒拿, 我沒拿 你也沒拿,那誰(shuí)拿了?噓,我們?cè)诳紤]問(wèn)題 我還是不明白你怎么知道什么時(shí)候是假性宮縮 那么你現(xiàn)在看到孩子了嗎? 現(xiàn)在感覺如何? 我想,我不知道,我想一切都會(huì)過(guò)去的 是呀,這不是件好事嗎?你說(shuō)你已經(jīng)很厭倦這些了 我知道。當(dāng)你懷孕時(shí),你會(huì)自然作些媽媽會(huì)做的事 我會(huì)穿著我的皮褲,喝著龍舌蘭酒,無(wú)所事事 有些媽媽也是這樣 這讓我更悲傷。我知道我使我自己進(jìn)入了某種狀態(tài),就是他們現(xiàn)在在我的身體里,就像... 我的意思是當(dāng)這些小孩離開我時(shí),我會(huì)難過(guò)的 好了,這并不是表明你一無(wú)所有,你會(huì)有很多侄子和侄女,也許這樣還好一些 就是. 確實(shí)。你不用為他們上大學(xué)而急著存錢,也不用在他們表現(xiàn)不好時(shí)呵斥他們,也不用在他們平靜不下來(lái)時(shí)決定是否給他們服用過(guò)動(dòng)兒麻醉藥 我的意思是, 你是他們離家出走是會(huì)來(lái)找的那個(gè)人,是與之討論性的那個(gè)人 你就是那個(gè)酷舅媽Phoebe! 酷舅媽Phoebe.我確實(shí)很酷! 是的。還有,你知道,他們會(huì)愛你 他們會(huì)愛我。. / Oh! 謝謝你們. / Oh, sweetie! 怎么啦?! / 開個(gè)玩笑. 阿! / 怎么?! 天啦! /還是開個(gè)玩笑, 你們太容易受騙了. 如果它出了什么事ˇ Joey!獸醫(yī)說(shuō)這是個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的手術(shù) 肯定有問(wèn)題! 如果它沒吃戒指怎么辦 它吃了, Joe. 好吧, 但如果它是無(wú)辜的怎么辦? 它是多么好的一只鴨子 我很擔(dān)心它,知道嗎? 有人丟戒指了嗎? 喔!謝謝! 太謝謝了! 鴨子現(xiàn)在怎么樣? 它很好,它現(xiàn)在在休息,你們得過(guò)一會(huì)再去看它 太好了!嘿, Ross,聽著,謝謝你對(duì)這件事這么冷靜 沒關(guān)系. 不.我得意思是你讓我當(dāng)你的伴郎,但我卻讓你失望了 喔,別這樣,不是你的錯(cuò) 是我的錯(cuò)!你不希望遺失戒指,對(duì)吧?知道嗎,你從一開始就是對(duì)的,他才應(yīng)該是你的伴郎 不,你才應(yīng)該是. 不要和我爭(zhēng)論這件事ˇ 嘿! 我已經(jīng)選定了我的伴郎,我想讓你們倆都做我的伴郎 真的? / 真的? 嘿,你們倆都必須和我站在一起。我的意思是,我很幸運(yùn)我有這么好的.... 謝謝. 我去看看那邊有什么事. 太孩子氣了. / 小笨蛋

The One With The Worst Best Man Ever

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.]

Phoebe: (angrily) That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here!

Monica: That’s also like the tenth time you told us.

Phoebe: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant!

Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie?

Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.

Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

Phoebe: I haven’t really had any yet.

(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Ross: All right, here’s the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)

Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?

Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?

Chandler: Oh, it’s awkward. It’s awkward. It’s awkward.

Ross: I sort’ve already asked Chandler.

Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding!

Ross: Joey, I figured you’d understand. I mean, I-I’ve known him a lot longer.

Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll never get to be a best man!

Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.

Joey: (pause) I’ll never get to be a best man!

Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man.

Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!

Chandler: I’m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!

Joey: I can’t believe you’re not picking me.

Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!

Chandler: I’m not even… I’m not even…

Ross: Fine, y’know what, that’s it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man.

Joey: Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: (to her babies) Stop it!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking.

Monica: I thought that was a good thing.

Phoebe: It’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Don’t make me come in there!

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?

Monica: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet.

Joey: (grabs it) Thanks.

Monica: Why do you need it?

Joey: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)

Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?

Joey: Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.)

Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)

Rachel: Hormones!

Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited?

Joey: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party.

Monica: Sooo?

Joey: Are you bachelors?

Monica: Nooo!

Joey: Are you strippers?

Rachel: Nooo!

Joey: Then you’re not invited. (Starts for the door again.)

Rachel: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either.

Joey: Oh-whoa, what party?

Rachel: Well umm…

Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe!

Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)

Phoebe: I can’t believe I’m gonna have a party! This is so great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don’t know why.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.]

Joey: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.

Ross: Great. Great.

Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud.

Gunther: I’ll be there.

Joey: All right—oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.

Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!

Joey: Okay! We’ll need a six-pack of Zima.

Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?

Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.

Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.

Ross: Yeah, see, I don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.

Chandler: Oh, I’m Ross. I’m Ross. I’m too good for the Hut; I’m too good for the Hut.

Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?

Joey: You got it.

Ross: Okay, see ya later.

Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.

Joey: Well, there’s gonna be strippers there. He didn’t say anything about no strippers.

Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."

Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.]

Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?

Rachel: Little village people.

Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. (It’s a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.)

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet!

Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

Monica: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies.

Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.

Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted!

Monica: Oh, she’s gonna love that!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe’s baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn’t happy about it.]

Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can’t use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what’s my next present?!

All: I don’t have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross’s bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.]

Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper…

Joey: Yeah?

Ross: Good call!

Chandler: (banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!

Gunther: What’s my last name?

Chandler: Central Perk?

Gunther: (to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don’t-don’t forget your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and Gunther leaves.)

Ross: Hey-hey, what are those?

Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! (It’s a shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998")

Ross: Wow! Yeah!

Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him what’s on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)

Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.

The Stripper: Great!

Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.

Joey: Oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt.

Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)

Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent’s basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.

The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?

Joey: Yeah!

The Stripper: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.

Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)

The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.

Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday…

The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

The Stripper: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck.

[Scene: Joey’s bedroom, it’s the middle of the night, he’s waking up and discovers he’s alone in bed.]

Joey: Hey, (realises he doesn’t know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it’s empty and starts to panic.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s continued from earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling him the news.]

Joey: (running and banging on Chandler’s door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!

Chandler: (opening the door) What?

Joey: The ring is gone!

Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You’re the worst best man ever!

Joey: Dude, this isn’t funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything’s cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone!

Chandler: You slept with the stripper?

Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.]

Phoebe: Hi, guys.

Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe’s way.)

Monica: Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if I—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know.

Rachel: No we…

Monica: Hormones.

Rachel: …h(huán)ormones, yeah.

Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attack them.)

Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That’s great. So how-how are things going?

Phoebe: Good. Y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you?

Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding.

Phoebe: Oh!

Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that…

Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.

Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that?

Phoebe: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know…

Rachel: (starting to cry) I’m-I’m sorry, I just thought that…

Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.]

Joey: Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is?

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey…

Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so…

Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice!

Ross: Yeah, right!

Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those…

Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)

Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

Chandler: So you might say, it’s a magic ring.

Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?!

Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man."

Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops!

Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in!

Ross: Not on you! On the stripper!

Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.

Ross: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her!

Joey: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!"

Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there’s nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!

Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I…

Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?

Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]

Monica: Here’s your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)

Phoebe: (sips it) It’s so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.

Rachel: Good.

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it.

Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)

Monica: What?!

Rachel: What?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.)

Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction.

Rachel: You what?

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one.

Monica: Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised it since the guys moved out!

Rachel: Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!

Phoebe: No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.

Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book!

Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here!

Monica: The Bible?!

Rachel: I don’t know!

[Scene: Chandler’s office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.]

Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong.

Ross: Diverse.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

The Stripper: Did anybody call for security?

Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)

The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?

Ross: Where’s my ring? My dead grandmother’s wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?

Chandler: Way to be cool, man.

The Stripper: What’s he talking about?

Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!

The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring?

The Guys: Yeah!

Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess!

The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that?

Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.]

Joey: I don’t get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn’t take it, and I didn’t take it; and you (Chandler) didn’t take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We’re trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn’t get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labour.]

Rachel: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour.

Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies?

Monica: How do you feel?

Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean… I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon.

Rachel: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

Phoebe: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

Monica: Some moms do that.

Phoebe: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.

Monica: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know?

Monica: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.

Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: And y’know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.

Phoebe: They are gonna love me.

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again.

Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)

Phoebe: You’re the best. Thanks. Oh!

Monica and Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy.

[Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father.]

Joey: If anything should happen to him…

Ross: Joey! The vet said it’s a simple procedure.

Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don’t know! What if he doesn’t make it?!

Chandler: He will, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? He’s such a good duck.

(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys’ memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it’s Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it’s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls’ apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it’s concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it’s wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)

Joey: I’m so worried about him, y’know?

The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?

Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it’s been.)

Joey: H-h-h-how’s the duck?

The Doctor: He’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.

Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.

Ross: No, that’s all right.

Joey: No, it’s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!

Chandler: Hey, come on, it’s not your fault.

Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? Y’know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.

Chandler: No, you should.

Joey: Now, don’t argue with me…

Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.

Chandler: Really?

Joey: Really?

Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my… I mean, I’m lucky to have just one good… (They all start getting emotional.)

Chandler: Thanks man.

Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can’t see him cry.)

Chandler: What a baby.

Ross: Total wuss!

(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[There was no closing scene, only a preview of the wedding.]

END

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