老友記第六季The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

好吧,這些廚房用品中那些是我的? 這個開瓶器 還有? 還有就是它是帶磁性的! 看看這個! 真是太不可思議了,你明白嗎? 你要搬來跟我住了. 并且?guī)е莻€我沒有的東西 就象 嗯,在某種程度上你 你成全了我 的廚房 什么?! 你完善了我的廚房,好伙伴! 羅斯,我知道你想的是什么 什么? 就是她要搬來和你一起住了并且她會再次愛上你. 而當那時她發(fā)現你們已經結婚了她會高興的,懂嗎? 你 你真可恥 噢上帝呀! 我 我明白這是怎么一回事了. 你愛上瑞秋了! 什么?!! 當然咯!這太合理了! 我是說你 你被她迷住了.就是這樣 羅斯,你要對瑞秋怎么樣? 羅斯,你 你為什么要搬去和瑞秋住? 你什么時候才會向瑞秋坦白你們那秘密的婚約!? 你要她! 不! 啊噢, 電話鈴救了你 你好 嘿瑞秋,這些燭臺不是我的嗎? 不不,這是我買的 噢!對,我忘了 你是個騙子 不不不,那太好了! 我會在周一到那兒的,再次謝謝你!好的 呃 那是大學古生物系的頭兒(學校是) N Y U (紐約大學) 哇奧! 他 說了 什么 ? 還記得我去年發(fā)表的那篇關于沉積物流動率的論文嗎? 他們喜歡 對,有誰不呢?! 我知道! 總之,他們請我去做客席講師 我是說這是臨時的,不過呢,如果他們喜歡我的話那就可能會變成一份全職工作了 想想信箱上的大寫(字母)瞧起來會有多棒? "蓋勒教授" 對,教授及夫人 及夫人?! 噢! 對呀,你知道你和羅斯還結著婚呢 什么?! 開個玩笑 噢!噢 上帝! 救你一命 喬伊失去了保險 字幕提供:www.topcmm.com 翻譯:smileboy 嘿! 嗨! 噢,怎么了 好吧,你認識那個我看過的通靈者嗎? 對呀? 她說我這個禮拜會死 于是對此我就有點狀態(tài)不佳 什么?! 對,我知道你們幾個不太了解通靈術 但這可是你能得到的最糟的結果了 菲比這太瘋狂了 我不能相信她會對你說那些東西 是啊親愛的,你不相信她,不是嗎? 我不? 你知道她說過我會生個三胞胎的! 但她也說過其中一個是黑人 只是出于好奇,她有沒有說你會怎么死? 沒有,因為她不到最后關頭也不會告訴我我會死 因此從現在開始我不會再浪費任何一個小時了! 我是說我只有一個禮拜了,知道嗎? 我真是該開始好好活了! 嘿各位! 噢 嗨! 嘿 ,今天是我的第一堂課, 我有點想先給你們講講試試 你們,你們介意嗎? 噢 那太好了,當然可以! 關于沉積物的流動率有三種主要理論 其中每一種又能被進一步分成兩種截然不同的 噢 就是它了 就是它會殺了我 子理論 其中第一個子理論是 噢 羅斯! 那張紙上有 有脫光的女孩兒嗎? 沒有! 為什么(會有)? 好吧,我可從沒見過一個人那么認真的盯著一張紙, 而那紙上卻沒有脫光的女孩兒. 噢! 好吧 好吧 有三種... 主要的理論 關于沉積物的流動率 其中每一種又能被進一步分 成 你為什么不用一個笑話來開場呢? 以笑話開場? 那可是大學,不是什么喜劇俱樂部! 等一等, 別掛電話! 你不是在說咯咯笑的大學呀?! 夠了! 噢!我們是開玩笑的,開個玩笑嘛! 羅斯,想知道什么能讓你的課不那么無聊嗎? 非常感謝! 某種呃,某種實際(看的見)的幫助 噢-噢--噢!你知道什么是又好又看的見的幫助嗎? 請別說是脫光的女孩兒 為什么不呢? 我-我-我真搞不懂干嘛要費事來跟你們這幾個講這些東西.知道嗎? 我就要以我自己的方式來干,用不著脫光的女孩兒 我19歲之前也一直是那么做的. 嘿嘿 有什么好消息嗎? 有,有封演員行會給你的信. 噢,說不定是張片酬支票 你能幫我拆開嗎,我有點 "保險失效" 真是太奇怪了 我不記得我演過一部叫"保險失效"的電影呀 好吧,這不是支票. 信上說由于你去年工作的不夠,你的醫(yī)療保險過期了. 讓我看看! 好的. 噢,真是難以置信!這太不爽了! 知道嗎?有保險時我可以被車撞或是被火燒而沒有關系. 而現在我得小心點了?! 我很抱歉,日子將變得不爽當你.... 要避免被火燒的時候. 的確,我想我得找個活兒干了,我要去見我的經理人. 好的,過馬路時記住先往左右看看. 過馬路時先往左右看看. 嘿! 嘿 菲比 你還活著! 感覺怎么樣? 呃,等死真是累人呀. 噢,順便說一下,你能不能? 菲比,你 你在干什么? 我正準備讓你成為我的 難道你不認為我死了嗎?難道這沒有發(fā)生嗎? 噢是的,可怕的地獄放棄了我,我想我們要永遠失去你了. 菲比,躺下來 好的,謝謝.聽著,你能幫我個忙嗎? 你能不能嗯,兩個小時后叫醒我,如果你能的話. 莫妮卡! 嗯?你把這些拿回去了? 不不,我只是 太喜歡它們了,所以我自己出去買了一對. 噢對,它們真是太漂亮了!不是嗎? 我愛它們! 對,干得不錯! 你好! 嘿! 嘿! 課講得怎么樣? 太棒了! 而且我也沒講什么笑話或是脫光的女孩兒! Wow,太棒了羅斯.我很遺憾我們之前不太支持你. 我知道我該做的就是讓它順其自然. 大家都認為"羅斯你該有趣些性感些" 好,我證明他們錯了! 現在,我要把這個消息告訴喬伊和錢德去了. 是你既不有趣也不性感的消息嗎? 非常正確! 嘿 艾絲苔拉,聽我說 瞧 瞧 瞧 !喬伊 崔比昂尼 那么你回來了? 別人都以為他們能夠做得更好,但最后他們都回到艾絲苔拉的身邊來了! 你在說什么呀? 我從沒離開過你!你一直是我的經理人! 真的?! 對! 噢 好吧,沒惡意的 艾絲苔拉,你得給我找個活兒干,我 我失去了我的健康保險 好吧.首先我們要做的事是,控制損失為什么? 是啊,我想 嗯,有些人在城里給你到處造謠呢. 混蛋! 嘿! 嘿!明天艾絲苔拉給我安排了一大堆試鏡. 我馬上就又會有醫(yī)療保險了. 這太好了,但你是不是該馬上去一下廁所? 什么? 你哪里不舒服? 沒哪里! 好吧,剛才我 我舉重時肚子突然疼得不得了 然后我 呃 就暈過去了 呃 之后就站不起來了 但是 ,我認為這沒有什么大不了的. 看上去象是疝氣,你得, 你 你得去看醫(yī)生! 沒門兒!瞧著,要是我去醫(yī)生那兒看些什么病.... 這東西就得從我的肚子里出來! 那是疝氣 為什么我又得開始工作了呢? 該死的啞鈴! 歐,我們來得早了點,15分鐘內課還不會結束. 對,但你知道我們可以偷偷溜進去瞧瞧對,我們可以 嘿瞧啊!那有幾個Kappa Kappa Delta的會員!我也是個會員呢 嘿姐妹們! 哇喔,我們真是犯賤 對!當Rigby從實驗室取回他的樣品時 他有了一個令人震驚的發(fā)現! 那些他原以為是火成巖的東西,其實是沉積巖 想象一下當時他有多么的震驚吧 噢該死! 你到底在干些什么呀?! 瞧,我有點緊張! 你們幾個讓我擔心我的課會很無聊 我站在講臺上時學生們都盯著我看 我一張嘴就帶上了英國腔 對,而且還不那么正宗 請你 請你讓一讓好嗎? 蓋勒教授,我叫科特 拉什曼 我是古生物系的教授 能賞光聊聊你的課嗎? 抱歉,我和我的妹妹有事要辦 莫妮卡 蓋勒 對,您不介意我們倆單獨談一會兒吧? 你說什么呢? 噢,就你能有口音而我不能 上午女士們最棒 請別這樣了! 對 對 孟買在一年里的這個時候很漂亮 嘿,能幫我?guī)€煎餅來嗎? 坐下! 你要不要去醫(yī)院了 伙計!疝氣手術可能要花不少的錢 而且現在越來越讓我疼得眼發(fā)花了 這意味著它正在好轉 我會借給你錢的 只要你去趟醫(yī)院,只是把那玩意兒推推回去 謝謝,但這得讓我還你一輩子的錢 我不想讓這成天讓我不安,好嗎? 而且,一旦我的保險恢復了,我就能免費做所有我想做的手術了 對呀,我想我可能會以那個激光眼科手術為開端. 嘿! 嘿 出什么事了? 喬伊得了非常嚴重的疝氣,但那不是一個小小的激光眼科手術能治好的! 瞧,我得告訴你,如果我把我的手放在我肚子的這個部位 它就不那么疼了 嘿!你可能會死的! 當然,現在我開始害怕了 不,我們可以一塊兒去死的! 就是別屏的太久,好嗎?因為我會在禮拜五前的某個時候翹掉 對呀,但我不想死! 不 不,那會很好玩兒的!我們在這里還魂來嚇唬他們! 給我! 不!那是我的! 是你從我這里偷去的! 是你偷的!! 給我!! 你想每人拿一個嗎? 是啊 這看來挺公平的我們從未用過它們 聽著,我確實需要些幫助,好嗎? 為什么?為什么我要帶著英國腔說話?! 我都干了些什么呀? 為什么你不能讓它消失呢? 對,讓那口音慢慢淡化. 于是人們就會認為你,你知道的, 你正在適應在美國生活 對呀,我是說,就這么干吧,沒人會注意的. 我是說有可能他們都不在聽你講課! 他們不在聽我講課? 他們當然在聽你講課!人人都在聽呢 莫妮卡,你是否真的認為我該試試這個淡化的玩意兒 我認為你氣色很好 準備好了開始 嘿,添米,我有個驚喜給你 打住了 抱歉 這個驚喜是個新的秋千組合, 你能否稍微帶些熱情來演呢 噢對,當然,沒問題.我會的 稍等一會兒 嘿 添米 我有個驚喜給你 噢上帝呀 這就是為什么我給我的狗喂普雷納一號的原因 今天就買一包吧! 你得從那兒拿起那包(狗食) 的確 對,底線是你得拿起來,所以你得拿起那包(狗食) 或者說,我可以只是指指他 嗯 無聊無聊無聊 普雷納一號 就指一包吧 我沒合格,是吧? 是的 嗨,我是喬伊崔比昂尼,我來試鏡,演個男人 你是說快死的男人吧? 對呀! 好吧,來,再干一次! 真的 真的 真的 你好羅斯 我是假口音大學的麥克娜麗教授 我們希望你來我們這里工作,全職的! 嘿! 嘿! 聽著 我的那個通靈預測錯了,我不會死了! 真的?!你怎么知道的? 因為我的通靈師死了 她一定是解錯了牌 噢,我很抱歉 呃,她死總比我死好 嘿,我們來烘曲奇餅吧! 聽這,我很高興你得到這個角色 謝謝 但你肯定你干得了嗎? 當然 而且我還得謝謝你來陪我 并再次感謝你幫我洗澡 夠了,別再提這事了 你好 嘿喬伊,就等你了 喬伊,這是阿歷克斯,他將扮演你的兒子 你好阿歷克斯 對了,你可看見了,我的手可沒在褲衩里喲 沒有 好了,阿歷克斯 當喬伊說他的那句臺詞 "兒子你要好好照顧你媽媽"時,就到你哭的時候了. 懂了嗎 好吧,我們干吧 場景5,第一鏡 開拍 兒子你要好好照顧你的媽媽 兒子你要好好照顧你的媽媽 哭呀兒子!你媽可是個好人呀 停 阿歷克斯,記住你是要哭的,這次你能哭給大家看嗎 可以 好,從頭再來 場景5,第2鏡 第36鏡開始 好吧!讓我們再試試!準備好了嗎喬伊 嗯,還有間事 你是否介意如果我 如果我在你說開拍前一直大喊 嗯 沒問題 開拍 兒子你要好好照顧你的媽媽 停!!!!!! 我很抱歉 嘿 嘿喬伊 你為什么不 嗯 把你的襯衫撩起來 瞧瞧這位老兄 這有個哭包了!讓該死的攝影機轉起來 你好 你好,羅斯在嗎 不,他不在.我能給他帶個信嗎? 可以,我叫羅塞爾,是羅斯的離婚律師 告訴他由于最近沒有他的消息,我猜他是否不準備離婚了 羅斯又結婚了? 不-----!!!!!!!! 好吧,繼續(xù),我們要讓口音慢慢淡化,讓它消掉 所以在沒有 重 測 實驗室的結果的前提下 這組(人員)是不會鑒別出.... 他們最初所做的碳同位素年代分析中的錯誤 對此有什么疑問嗎 是的 你的口音怎么了? 又來了 這 這都哪兒跟哪兒呀 好吧,我 我不是英國人 我出生在長島 我真的很緊張,這口音就這么 就這么冒出來了 對不起了 那么,我們能否回到正題上來呢 嗯 還有什么問題嗎? 關于古生物學的 好吧,瞧 我只是為了留下一個好的第一印象 很明顯 我搞砸了 但你們大家對我的看法真的很重要 因為我 我想在這得到份長久的工作 所以如果你們再給我個機會來給你們留下個好印象的話 羅斯!! 你瘋了嗎?! 我還是你的老婆!!怎么了,你準備永遠不告訴我嗎?!! 你到底犯的哪門子傻?!!!! 噢 我真想宰了你 你好瑞秋 你以前真這么干過嗎? 對 對 對 只要把胳膊揮的大 大一點,就先在 別猶豫 嘿! 嘿! 你們在干什么? 我們在慶祝喬伊的醫(yī)療保險失而復得 噢 好的

The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing her belongings to move to Ross’s. She’s standing in the kitchen.]

Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?

Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of the freezer door.)

Rachel: And?

Monica: And it’s a magnet!

Rachel: Look at that!

Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me (Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me kitchen, matey!

Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad.

Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel!

Phoebe: What?!!

Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her!

Phoebe: No! (Ross’s phone rings.)

Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell. (On phone) Hello?

[Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.]

Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine?

Rachel: No-no, I bought those.

Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.

Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.)

Monica: (under her breath) That you’re a liar. (Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.)

Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, that’s great! I’ll be there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U!

Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?

Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it.

Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?!

Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller."

Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.

Rachel: And Mrs.?!

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married.

Rachel: What?!!

Phoebe: Just kidding!

Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the living room.)

Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]

Chandler: Hey!

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: Hey!

Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter?

Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.

Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy!

Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you.

Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you?

Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black.

Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go?

Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)

Ross: (entering) Hey everyone!

Chandler: Oh hi!

Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind?

(They pause to think about it.)

All: Oh that’d be great. Sure!

Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards word for word very quietly) "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…"

Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kill me.

Ross: (continuing) "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…"

Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?

Ross: No! Why?

Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it.

Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into…"

Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke?

Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club!

Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?!

Ross: (gets up) Okay!

All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding!

Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring?

Ross: Thank you!

Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides.

Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide?

Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks.

Joey: Why not?!

Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.

Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey! Any good mail?

Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild.

Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda….

Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."

Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.

Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year.

Joey: Let me see that!

Chandler: All right.

Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?!

Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.

Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent.

Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.

Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to find Rachel still packing.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing?

Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could—(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes open and her tongue hanging out.)

Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?

Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off?

Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down?

Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can.

(Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as Monica walks out of her room.)

Rachel: Monica!

Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the candlesticks.)

Rachel: Did-did you take these back?

Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself.

Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they?

Monica: I loved them!

Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try! (Rachel puts them in a box.)

Ross: (entering) Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: How’d the lecture go?

Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either!

Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before.

Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.

Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy?

Ross: That’s right!

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]

Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen…

Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!

Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent!

Estelle: Really?!

Joey: Yeah!

Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.

Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.

Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.

Joey: Why?

Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.

Joey: Bastard!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time.

Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now?

Joey: What?!

Chandler: What’s wrong with you?

Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious.

Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor!

Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)

Chandler: That’s a hernia.

Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but are there early.]

Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes.

Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch.

Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.

(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking in an English accent for some unknown reason.)

Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when—(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell.

Commercial Break

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]

Monica: What the hell are you doing?!

Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.

Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.

Ross: Will you-will you please?

(Another professor walks down from the back of the lecture hall.)

The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here.

Ross: Oh.

The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?

Ross: (in his British accent) I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister.

Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr. (She rolls her ‘R’)

Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his normal voice.) What are you doing?

Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an accent and I can’t?! (To an exiting student in accent.) Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies!

Ross: Just please stop!

(They turn back to Rachel and Professor Rathman.)

Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]

Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!

Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing.

Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in.

Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: What’s going on?

Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!

Joey: Look, I’m telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married…With Children always used to do.) it doesn’t hurt that bad.

Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you’ll die!

Joey: Sure, now I’m scared.

Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘Cause I’m outta here sometime before Friday.

Joey: Yeah, but I don’t wanna die!

Phoebe: No-no, it’ll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are having a tug-of-war over the disputed candlesticks.]

Monica: Gimme ‘em!

Rachel: No! They are mine!

Monica: You stole them from me!

Rachel: You stole them from me!!

Monica: Gimme them!

(With one last mighty tug the combatants lose their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.)

Monica: You just wanna each take one?

Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them.

Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do?

Rachel: Well…

Monica: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America.

Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening!

Ross: They’re not listening too me?

Rachel: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you.

Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing?

Monica: I think you look fine.

[Scene: Casting Director #1’s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]

Casting Director #1: Whenever you’re ready.

Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you."

Casting Director #1: Hold it. I’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense?

Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll just—hold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you!"

Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!

(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)

[Scene: Casting Director #2’s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]

Joey: So that’s why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he won’t be able to pick it up.)

Casting Director #2: That’s where you pick up the bag.

Joey: Exactly.

Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.

Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didn’t get it, did I?

Casting Director #2: No.

Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)

[Scene: Casting Director #3’s office, Joey is entering.]

Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani; I’m here to audition for (Groans) man.

Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?

Joey: Yes!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are playing phone pranks on Ross.]

Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time!

Rachel: Really? Really?!

Monica: Yes!

Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, we’d like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die!

Rachel: Really?! How do you know?

Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong!

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry.

Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies!

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]

Chandler: Listen, I’m really glad you got the part.

Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.

Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?

Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.

(Chandler steps away quickly.)

Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!

Joey: (to the director) Hiya!

The Director: Hey Joey, we’re ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex he’s going to be playing your son.

Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)

The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," that’s your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, let’s do this.

(Joey lies down on the gurney.)

A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene 5, take 1.

The Director: And Action!

Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Momma’s good people!"

The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you’re supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?

Alex: Okay.

The Director: All right, from the top.

A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.

[Time lapse.]

A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!

The Director: All right! Let’s try this again! You ready Joe?

Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?

The Director: Uh sure.

Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)

The Director: Action!

Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.)

The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)

(Chandler decides to help out.)

Chandler: I’m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.]

Rachel: (answering it) Hello?

Russell: (Ross’s divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross there?

Rachel: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message?

Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross’s divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven’t heard from him, I assume he’s decided to give the marriage a try.

Rachel: Ross got married again—Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!

[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to phase out his accent.]

Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)

A Student: What’s happening to your accent?

Ross: (British) Come again? What’s-what’s this nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, I’m-I’m not English. I’m from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just uh, just came out. I’m sorry. So, if we could just get back to the lecture. Umm, were there any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) About paleontology. (They all put their hands down.) All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’m-I’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression…

(At this moment Rachel bursts through the door. Needless to say, she’s not in the best of moods having just found out Ross’s dirty little secret.)

Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!!

Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isn’t a long trip.) Because he’s made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since he’s re-established his health insurance.]

Phoebe: Have you really done this before?

Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don’t hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey-hey!

Chandler: What are you doing?

Phoebe: We’re just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.

Chandler: Oh, all right.

(Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!)

End