老友記第七季705 The One With The Engagement Picture
- 聽力原文
- 參考譯文
嗨怎么了?有人在地鐵舔我的脖子!舔我的脖子!!喔,偉利冤魂不散!你們做什么呢?喔, 我媽說要在本地報(bào)紙登訂婚啟示,所以要找張拍得好的照片.Oooh, 恐怕應(yīng)該沒有.不對(duì), 我們拍過很多好照片!你那些好照片,旁邊的人都是這樣的… 我的天啊! 真讓人感到恐怖.我不知道為什么不能拍張好照片.這張蠻好的.哦, 我不在照片里.我知道,但你看我曬的多黑.嘿,你們不如找專業(yè)攝影師拍照.好主意! 他們一定有吹風(fēng)機(jī)! 對(duì),好極了! 那樣錢德會(huì)顯得不那么笨.錢德,你怎么想?好的, 但我先聲明,我不會(huì)去. 我會(huì)去. 那個(gè)反手上球! 哇喔ˇ那些三分球怎么樣?一流!那些家伙幾乎讓我們贏球.嘿 看,菲比在跟咖啡店帥哥聊天.喔, 你叫他咖啡店帥哥? 我們叫他“尿時(shí)恩恩聲”.我們叫羅斯為廁所所長(zhǎng).嗨,“尿時(shí)恩恩聲”約我去逛街了!我以為那個(gè)家伙已經(jīng)結(jié)婚了.對(duì)啊! 但他準(zhǔn)備離婚了. 羅斯! 也許你認(rèn)識(shí)他.沒有離婚俱樂部.菲比, 他就要離婚了, 你覺得跟他約會(huì)合適嗎?嗨, 離婚的男人不是壞男人!你可以在你們離婚俱樂部的餐巾上印上這句話.喔,我要回去工作了.還有半小時(shí)呢!但是我的助手特加要在午餐時(shí)間做仰臥起坐. 喔! 我恨不能吃了他！你既然暗戀他,為什么還要雇他? 我想你知道你不能跟他約會(huì), 對(duì)嗎?喔,我很清楚. 我們?cè)_玩笑說在一起這么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間,他可以稱我為"工作老婆"了他遲些時(shí)候會(huì)叫你"被炒魷魚的女人".我不會(huì), 因?yàn)槲也粫?huì)付諸行動(dòng).你不介意他跟別的女人約會(huì)?為什么? 他有啊! 他跟市場(chǎng)部的女人約會(huì)!也許我該成立離婚俱樂部.太可憐了.我可以在后邊建一個(gè)籃球場(chǎng).我可以一起打嗎?嗨, 今天沒做仰臥起坐嗎?剛做完.喔, 馬上再做十個(gè)!什么?我-我午飯時(shí)喝了點(diǎn)酒. 花費(fèi)報(bào)告填完了嗎?是的,我昨晚填好了.喔,太好了,幫我影印四份好嗎?沒問題謝謝.嗨 瑞秋!啊, 嗨! 米麗莎, 什么事?我去商店買了一些東西,現(xiàn)在放進(jìn)我的背包里. 只是一些水果干、麥片之類的東西. 有什么事嗎? 恩, 特加在嗎?不在. 什么事?喔, 我今天晚上想約他.真的?! 你跟他有點(diǎn)意思?!我們經(jīng)常眉來眼去, 但我希望今天晚上能有更實(shí)質(zhì)的進(jìn)展.別著急,米麗莎,這里是辦公室,好嗎? 但是,我想起他說今天晚上有事了.喔,不會(huì)吧!真的. 好了,回去工作.嗨! 這不是特加的書包嗎?米麗莎, 我不想得罪人, 賤人, 但是我會(huì)叫你的主管的.好極了,莫尼卡,好極了! 錢德, 你可以笑一下嗎?好. 對(duì)不起, 你坐的不舒服嗎?不,是我不舒服.錢德, 聽我說, 你行的.你的笑容很美麗.真的? 對(duì)啊! 好了, 也許你不用笑. 我們?cè)囋嚻渌? 試試……扮性感.好. 還是不要了.嗨,喬! 你怎么到這來了?我在附近試鏡,不小心把衣服弄臟了. 你這有嗎?當(dāng)然有.恩……這里. 有不是這個(gè)牌子的嗎?應(yīng)該沒,喬.好吧，那就這件吧.嗨,今晚有事嗎?沒有, 什么事?想帶我的助手特加出去嗎?我付帳.讓我跟男孩約會(huì)要很多錢.我不是請(qǐng)你跟他約會(huì).真的, 我急用錢.喬, 他來紐約不久,我知道他沒有多少男性朋友.你帶他去看看球賽之類的，我會(huì)感激不盡的.好吧,沒問題.喔~甜麥圈.對(duì). 我想到了,我們?cè)囍蜻h(yuǎn)處望. 我們想想未來,想想結(jié)婚后的生活. 錢德,你的臉到底怎么了?? 這張相片應(yīng)該是說"我們訂婚了"不是"女人拯救溺水笨蛋!" 嗨! 不要笑他! 他是我的溺水笨蛋!呵呵! 就是這樣,快照,快照. :我喜歡這一張. 好象是說"愛你愛到殺死你"不可能都不行的. 找眼睛就象剛睡醒似的那長(zhǎng). 噢,就是這樣.上帝啊! 我剛睡醒時(shí)的眼睛就這樣?!你怎么敢跟我睡覺?你真的想我說出來嗎?我現(xiàn)在很開心!我也是! 我很抱歉在地鐵里那個(gè)男人舔了你的脖子.喔,沒關(guān)系,他是我的朋友.嗨, 我知道這樣有點(diǎn)急,但是我有兩張明天天晚上舞蹈決賽的門票,一起去好嗎?好的,我已經(jīng)錯(cuò)過了半決賽,我還以為連決賽也會(huì)錯(cuò)過.我知道這沒多大說服力,但門票是我老板給的.噢,不,不,我的上帝!別驚慌,我會(huì)去的.我的前妻維妮在外邊,我不想見她.她是個(gè)瘋女人.好的，我知道了.等一下. 嗨,羅斯.什么事?基利的前妻維妮在門口, 你現(xiàn)在可以轉(zhuǎn)移她的視線,讓我們逃走嗎?什么?! 不!好的,但是我有兩張舞蹈決賽的門票. 我不這么想,菲比，我… 好吧,我?guī)湍憔褪橇? 但只是看在朋友的面上. Hi,好的! 我要回我的鑰匙!我沒有!就在這里! 噢~!好吧,偵探. 不好意思,你快走吧,菲比.好吧,我只是來感謝你幫我引開基利前妻的注意. 不用客氣,我們下次再說.好的.嗨,維妮.嗨,羅斯! 準(zhǔn)備好去吃早飯了嗎?是的.基利的前妻? 我叫你引開她的注意,不是讓你跟她約會(huì)!對(duì)不起, 可以給我點(diǎn)時(shí)間跟這個(gè)女人談一下嗎?還有,她沒有在這里留宿.沒問題.好. 我引開她的注意,但是我們?cè)谝黄鸷荛_心,ok?一起看舞蹈決賽?是的! 我們發(fā)現(xiàn)我們興趣相投!好的, 羅斯,基利告訴我了她很多壞毛病.例如?例如,她很小氣,吹毛求疵.還有,她沒經(jīng)過你同意,就把你的房間染成其他顏色.好.還有,她用性來做武器.好的! 謝謝你的忠告. 一會(huì)我會(huì)警惕房間的顏色還有性武器.你還是跟她出去?對(duì)!你沒聽到我說的嗎?!菲比,誰跟你這樣說的!她的前夫當(dāng)然這樣說她了.現(xiàn)在,我失陪了.聽我說,她是瘋子!嗨,你的門不隔音.看,她還在挑三撿四.早上好.嗨,特加! 昨天晚上跟喬玩的開心嗎?是啊,我們一起去看籃球賽.喔，好極了.然后我們?nèi)ゾ瓢?他帶我泡女人! 女人? 你是說老女人?有點(diǎn)老, 30多歲吧.噢.以前我不會(huì)在酒吧跟女孩聊天,但是我昨天晚上大概拿到了20個(gè)電話.太棒了! 喬肯定教了你幾招吧?恩?一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)啦.是嗎?你好嗎?看? 多好的微笑! 自然點(diǎn).假裝這里有部相機(jī). 你的表情變了!我控制不了!好吧,好吧,你知道我拍簡(jiǎn)歷照時(shí)怎么做嗎?跟我借錢?好的,首先要表現(xiàn)自然. 我向下看,向下看,繼續(xù)向下看,然后抬起頭.看到了嗎?現(xiàn)在你試一下.向下看……繼續(xù)向下看…為什么你的鞋上有果醬?我吃了甜麥圈. 嗨!嗨!嗨!你昨晚跟特加玩的很開心,恩?對(duì),那家伙蠻好的!你教了他怎樣……喬什么?你知道, 泡妞.嘿,女人緣是與生俱來的. 所以我跟錢德一起就很倒霉.我在這里!好吧,不要在跟他一起出去了,好嗎? 你跟她一起泡妞的事……我知道他是我的助手,我不能跟他約會(huì).但這很煩,好嗎?不,你不能從我這搶走他! 我終于找到能一起吸引異性的伙伴,精選的!我還在這里!好,麻煩你至少告訴他,!跟這么多女人約會(huì)是非常無聊的.什么?!我不想他跟別人約會(huì),現(xiàn)在我還對(duì)他有興趣?我會(huì)克服的. 我只是愛他的外表! 我經(jīng)常這樣的!我剛認(rèn)識(shí)你時(shí)也對(duì)你有興趣.我知道,莫尼卡對(duì)我說過.那你認(rèn)識(shí)我時(shí),對(duì)我有興趣嗎?耶,當(dāng)然. 難道你們看不到我嗎?! 那,你會(huì)跟他說吧?我不知道,瑞秋.喔,! 我送你十件名牌襯衫.一件! 不,十件! 你說的十件! 說話要算數(shù)!嗨,喬, 找我有事嗎?我不知道. 你帶了東西給我嗎?喔,是的, 瑞秋讓我?guī)淼?十. 好的. 特加,女人太多未必是好的.真的?是的,對(duì)你而言.嗨,你來!我來了.你還好嗎?是的,喬說我要… 我需要放松,所以他給我吃了過敏藥什么?!是的,我坐地鐵時(shí)睡著了,一直坐到布魯克林.布魯克林很遠(yuǎn)……錢德,你在想什么?不知道, 但不用擔(dān)心, 因?yàn)槲抑涝趺磁恼樟? 好的,看? 向下看,向下看,向下看ˇ 錢德?在! 嗨.嗨.跟那瘋女人怎么樣? 她把你的兔子煮了嗎?聽我說,你只是聽了一面之詞,明白嗎?告訴你,她染房子前給基利看過30多個(gè)色版 然后他卻說"我不管這些小事"好的,但他應(yīng)該少點(diǎn)時(shí)間去染墻,花多點(diǎn)時(shí)間在臥室.我想我們不會(huì)發(fā)生這種問題, 可能因?yàn)槲也皇切岳涞?你以為他是性冷淡??我想有可能.她不每天把公事帶回家,他就不會(huì)!那是她知道了她生活的目標(biāo)!她一定記得1997年圣誕夜做過的事.我早知道你會(huì)說起這件事!! 那是三年前的事! 她已經(jīng)不斷道歉了!你還想怎么樣?!!我們后悔付出了六年的時(shí)間!!我們也是!!我們也是!!不好意思讓你們見怪了.早上好,瑞秋.嗨,謝謝. 昨天晚上怎么樣?跟喬出去了.是嗎?又去泡妞了?不,我們談的很投機(jī). 我以后不會(huì)再流連酒吧.哇,你好象變了一個(gè)人.那不是真正的我. 我會(huì)很開心,假如…我為什么說呢? 你沒興趣聽.不,我有興趣! 繼續(xù)說,你剛才說"你會(huì)很開心,假如…"假如我有一個(gè)正式的,我很愛她的女朋友.真的?我可以寵愛她, 你知道寵愛?我問你些東西恩?你相信緣分是上天注定嗎?我也開始相信了.如果那個(gè)人已經(jīng)出現(xiàn)在你身邊, 你應(yīng)該去把握嗎?對(duì),當(dāng)然應(yīng)該!好的,那我決定了!好的.我決定跟前女友復(fù)合.求之不得!什么?喂?! 喔, 是! 要說一會(huì)…你出去一下.是.上帝啊!喔,對(duì)不起,你覺得煩嗎? 說到對(duì)性事很自私, 維尼怎么樣?假如某人了解,她就不用自私!噢,他知道! 知道大部分.嗨! 好極了,你們都在.我們有些東西要談.你們兩個(gè)一起?什么事?我昨晚去基利家拿回東西,然后我們和好了.我們談了一晚，然后找到了生氣的原因.因?yàn)榛ハ噙€有感覺…所以… 有話直說,基利!我們想給對(duì)方一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì).但她一直抱怨你冷落她?!我會(huì)改變的.喔,對(duì), 因?yàn)槟愫苌谱?你知道,他小便時(shí)恩恩聲!我知道.這使他射過界, 但也無所謂.我們很對(duì)不起. 沒關(guān)系,我們-我們不需要你們.實(shí)際上,我已經(jīng)克服了.對(duì), 這些小事我不在乎.好吧, 我們走. 對(duì)不起,菲比,你說的對(duì). 她用性做武器!我的背還有點(diǎn)疼.他做其他的事也恩恩聲.沒有他們可真好.如果他們?cè)俜质? 你也不能讓他加入悲傷男人俱樂部!離婚男人俱樂部.挑三撿四. 嗨,你們看! 我媽媽把報(bào)紙寄來了!喔,拿來看看.好的. 拍的不錯(cuò)嘛.你們兩個(gè)很配嘛. 對(duì),我們很配.對(duì),我們還可以!好的.設(shè)想一下我們孩子的樣子!我們不需要設(shè)想.是我要娶她.等著瞧吧.
705 The One With The Engagement Picture
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: What’s the matter?
Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive!
Chandler: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist.
Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one.
Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that.
Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid.
Monica: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh…
Chandler: How about those three pointers?
Ross: Amazing!
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him.
Ross: It’s not a club.
Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour!
Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.
Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it.
Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else?
Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing!
Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club.
Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
Chandler: Could I play?
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]
Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag: I just did them.
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)
Melissa: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.)
Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel: No. Why?
Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
Melissa: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack.
Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.
(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isn’t.]
The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
Chandler: No, I am.
Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.)
Monica: Or not.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]
Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…h(huán)ere. (Hands him one.)
Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe.
Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
Joey: Nothing, why?
Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay.
Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him!
Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it.
Joey: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts!
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron!
Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you."
Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
Phoebe: I’m having a really good time!
Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend.
Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost.
Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God!
Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go.
Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out?
Ross: What?! No!
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
Ross: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe: I don’t have it!
Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.)
Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)
Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex.
Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
Ross: Hi Whitney.
Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Whitney: Sure.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people!
Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?!
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?!
Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!
Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof.
Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]
Tag: Good morning.
Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel: Ohh that’s nice.
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag: A little.
Rachel: Yeah?
(A beautiful women walks up.)
Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin’?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You’re changing it!
Chandler: I can’t help it!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler: Borrow money from me?
Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you’re looking down, keep looking down…
Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Joey: Yeah! That guy’s all right!
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Y’know, all the women.
Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler: (Pause) I’m right here!
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
Chandler: I’m still right here!
Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!
Joey: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
Joey: I don’t know Rach.
Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me?
Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as to many women.
Tag: Really?
Joey: Yeah, for you!
[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.]
Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!
Chandler: There I am!
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down… (He falls asleep.)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: Hi.
Ross: Hi.
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass."
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night!
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997.
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I’m sorry you had to see that.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is entering.]
Tag: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night?
Tag: Went out with Joey.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?
Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know?
Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know?
Rachel: Sp-spoil?
Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too.
Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag: All right then, it’s settled.
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend.
Rachel: I’d love to!
Tag: What?
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they’re not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Ross: My God!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney?
Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!
Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part.
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.
Phoebe: Both of you together?
Ross: Wh-what’s up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing…
Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… (Pause)
Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Whitney: I’m gonna work on that.
Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change.
Ross: (To Whitney) Y’know, he hums when he pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: We’re so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already.
Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass.
Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to.
Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club!
Ross: Divorced men’s club.
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She’s pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it!
Chandler: Ahhh.
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)
Joey: Yeah, we look great together.
Monica: Yeah, we really do!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!
Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine.
Chandler: I’m marrying her.
Joey: We’ll just see.
End
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: What’s the matter?
Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive!
Chandler: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist.
Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one.
Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that.
Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid.
Monica: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh…
Chandler: How about those three pointers?
Ross: Amazing!
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him.
Ross: It’s not a club.
Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour!
Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.
Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it.
Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else?
Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing!
Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club.
Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
Chandler: Could I play?
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]
Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag: I just did them.
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)
Melissa: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.)
Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel: No. Why?
Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
Melissa: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack.
Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.
(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isn’t.]
The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
Chandler: No, I am.
Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.)
Monica: Or not.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]
Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…h(huán)ere. (Hands him one.)
Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe.
Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
Joey: Nothing, why?
Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay.
Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him!
Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it.
Joey: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts!
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron!
Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you."
Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
Phoebe: I’m having a really good time!
Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend.
Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost.
Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God!
Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go.
Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out?
Ross: What?! No!
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
Ross: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe: I don’t have it!
Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.)
Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)
Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex.
Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
Ross: Hi Whitney.
Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Whitney: Sure.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people!
Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?!
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?!
Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!
Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof.
Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]
Tag: Good morning.
Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel: Ohh that’s nice.
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag: A little.
Rachel: Yeah?
(A beautiful women walks up.)
Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin’?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You’re changing it!
Chandler: I can’t help it!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler: Borrow money from me?
Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you’re looking down, keep looking down…
Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Joey: Yeah! That guy’s all right!
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Y’know, all the women.
Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler: (Pause) I’m right here!
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
Chandler: I’m still right here!
Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!
Joey: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
Joey: I don’t know Rach.
Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me?
Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as to many women.
Tag: Really?
Joey: Yeah, for you!
[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.]
Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!
Chandler: There I am!
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down… (He falls asleep.)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: Hi.
Ross: Hi.
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass."
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night!
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997.
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I’m sorry you had to see that.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is entering.]
Tag: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night?
Tag: Went out with Joey.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?
Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know?
Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know?
Rachel: Sp-spoil?
Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too.
Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag: All right then, it’s settled.
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend.
Rachel: I’d love to!
Tag: What?
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they’re not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Ross: My God!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney?
Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!
Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part.
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.
Phoebe: Both of you together?
Ross: Wh-what’s up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing…
Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… (Pause)
Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Whitney: I’m gonna work on that.
Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change.
Ross: (To Whitney) Y’know, he hums when he pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: We’re so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already.
Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass.
Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to.
Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club!
Ross: Divorced men’s club.
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She’s pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it!
Chandler: Ahhh.
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)
Joey: Yeah, we look great together.
Monica: Yeah, we really do!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!
Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine.
Chandler: I’m marrying her.
Joey: We’ll just see.
End
