老友記第八季806 The One With The Halloween Party

行了, 這是嫩煎的.這塊是半生熟的.去啊, 去, 去!嘿~, 菲比!嘿!嘿, 晚餐怎樣?!十分好!只是過(guò)來(lái)打個(gè)招呼!我要走了!噢, 你好.你好.我在餐牌上沒(méi)有見(jiàn)到有他啊.哦, Tim 這是菲比,菲比, 他是Tim我新請(qǐng)的Sous-Chef（大廚）.噢, 那么你是莫尼卡的老板?實(shí)際上, 她才是我老板."Sous"是法語(yǔ) 意思是"under."（低層）,啊! 我明白了（以為sous-stand=understand）.嘿, Tim. 我要一條墨魚(yú)和一份凱撒色拉還有~能拿一下香蒜醬給我嗎?好.你-你會(huì)做香蒜醬?是啊, 我會(huì).你能說(shuō)你的香蒜醬是最好的-哦?我也不知道,但我可以說(shuō)它們做的十分好-哦.好啦~, 還差一條墨魚(yú)和一份凱撒色拉.你的項(xiàng)鏈很好看.噢~ 我自己做的.你很有天分啊.是嗎, 它又不是香蒜醬.夠了, 夠了, 你們能不能先不要搭訕啊~?你是單身的, 你是單身的.,他十一點(diǎn)鐘就下班.她會(huì)等你的電話的.我會(huì)給你她的電話我只想要一條墨魚(yú)和一份凱撒色拉!我沒(méi)有大叫. 我沒(méi)有抓狂.F*R*I*E*N*D*S翻譯：兆桓for蚊蘭最好的六人行網(wǎng)站https://www.topcmm.com/friends/805：瑞秋有約哇, 賓.在開(kāi)夜車(chē)啊.先生~你知道我為人的.喔, 有件事情要問(wèn)你一下.你知道怎樣才能繞開(kāi)辦公室的網(wǎng)絡(luò)好讓我能上黃色網(wǎng)站?你真愛(ài)開(kāi)玩笑, 賓.有什么好笑的?嘿, 對(duì)不起 要你久等了.沒(méi)關(guān)系啊.那么, 你有地方想去嗎?噢,厄, 我想你知道我想去哪里吧.巨巖咖啡廳?沒(méi)錯(cuò).又去?是啊!我告訴你, 我喜歡那里的食物.你是喜歡它里面的小飾物.嘿, Bob.嘿, Toby, 晚上好.剛剛那家伙叫你Toby嗎?是的, 他以為那是我的名字.那么, 你為什么不告訴他你的真名?噢, 他已經(jīng)叫了太久了.他第一次說(shuō)錯(cuò)的時(shí)候我們?cè)谧呃壤锊良缍^(guò)所以我沒(méi)有說(shuō)什么然后下一次碰面時(shí)他說(shuō)"嘿, Toby, 你想生個(gè)女兒?jiǎn)?"而~~,我-我想要個(gè)女兒.然后五年過(guò)去了 女兒影都沒(méi)有而我仍然是Toby.五年了? 錢(qián)德,你一定要給他說(shuō)他真話.不行, 那會(huì)很尷尬的.,而且, 我們?cè)诓煌牟块T(mén)工作~.他在六樓辦事.所以他也是偶爾叫我一下.有什么關(guān)系呢? 他這樣叫我.都沒(méi)有叫我Muriel（女生名字）難聽(tīng).Muriel.為什么他要叫你Muriel?噢, 不會(huì)吧.錢(qián)德 M. 賓.中間不只是個(gè) "M."你中間的名字是Muriel!噓!這是個(gè)族名.錢(qián)德 Muriel 賓.朋友, 你父母一點(diǎn)機(jī)會(huì)都不給你呢?德雷克, 我終于知道你頭痛和失憶的原因了.是什么?顯然是你的大腦移植沒(méi)有完全成功.看來(lái)你的身體在排斥Jessica的大腦.,那嚴(yán)重嗎?除非我們從宿主身體中提取出..綜合抗體, 然后植入你的身體里面就可以停止你的身體對(duì)大腦的排斥了.噢, 聽(tīng)起來(lái)好想很簡(jiǎn)單嘛.我們現(xiàn)在就去做吧.我也想 但當(dāng)我們?nèi)ネ诰騄essica尸體的時(shí)候發(fā)現(xiàn) 她已不在了.停!演的好啊, 你們.好了, 等我換好衣服就去吃飯.哇, Jessica的尸體怎樣啦?我不能說(shuō)的.你要自己看電視.你不知道, 是吧?是啊. 他們忘記了.嘿, 演的很好啊, 伙計(jì).嘿, 你也是.是嗎.什么啊? 你不能加入演出的.哦!噢, 不好意思.厄, Cash, 這是我的朋友瑞秋.瑞秋, Cash.Cash, 瑞秋.Hi.Hi.怎么我以前沒(méi)有在這里見(jiàn)過(guò)你的?是啊, 可能喬伊怕我丟他的臉.他以為我是那種“肥皂劇白癡”.其實(shí)我不是的,不是的.我知道你最喜歡吃奶油核桃味的冰淇淋還有, 你養(yǎng)的狗的名字叫Wally.哇, 你看,我居然摸到你的手了.我們走啦! 我們走啦.噢~我們走啦.拜, Cash.拜拜.替我問(wèn)候Wally.噢, 莫尼卡.嗨.哦, 天啊.昨晚我和Tim玩的太高興了.他人太好了.噢, 我都快等不及要上了.厄... 我, 我一定要解雇他.為什么?因?yàn)樗盍? 好了嗎?他手腳慢, 他會(huì)燒著東西.昨晚他燒到我的糕點(diǎn)師傅.或者他只是緊張而已呢.你知道 你太咄咄逼人了.還有, 我見(jiàn)過(guò)你的糕點(diǎn)師~她太不可一世了.是嗎, 但她現(xiàn)在眉毛都沒(méi)有了.他做的很好.但 莫尼卡, 他很喜歡他的工作的.你再給他一次機(jī)會(huì)吧, 拜托?好吧, 但如果他再燒到人就一定要滾蛋!這很公平.非常感謝你. 謝謝.喔. 看來(lái)他燒到糕點(diǎn)師的時(shí)候也燒到你了.我花錢(qián)去燙的頭啊.很好看!嘿.嗨.噢, 告訴你,Cash那天說(shuō)覺(jué)得你很不錯(cuò).他說(shuō)你很有魅力呢.噢, 我還以為自己象傻瓜一樣呢.嘿, 這點(diǎn)我同意.他還叫我猜 你會(huì)不會(huì)跟他去約會(huì).噢,噢, 我有點(diǎn)想吐.那你怎么說(shuō)?我說(shuō) 不可能.什么?!你懷孕了還會(huì)跟人約會(huì)嗎.好了, 喬伊...首先..Cash Ford-- 不是個(gè)普通人.第二, 他知道我懷孕時(shí)說(shuō)了什么?我沒(méi)有告訴他.我不知道你想不想告訴人家.話說(shuō)回來(lái)Cash只是個(gè)普通人.好了, 不要告訴他,只管讓他打電話給我, 好嗎?我真的覺(jué)得這主意...夠了, 你就去說(shuō)吧!我就去攝影棚里和更多演員碰頭.我會(huì)和他們?nèi)咳艘?jiàn)面!好吧.嘿, Bob.嘿, 我老朋友Toby今天怎么樣啊?如果我見(jiàn)到他就問(wèn)一下吧.Toby!不, 不, 不, 不, 不.嘿, 嘿, 賓.剛剛跟你聊天的是六樓的Bob嗎?是的, 就是他.很好, 你們?cè)瓉?lái)都認(rèn)識(shí)的.我們只是知道對(duì)方名字而已.你覺(jué)得讓他加入我們這一組好嗎?Bob?噢. 在這里和我們一起工作?每一天?是啊, 我不知道他做不做的來(lái)哦.真的嗎?他在六樓很受歡迎的.但這里是十一樓.這里比六樓幾乎“高”了一倍.好吧, 我明白你的意思了.Bob會(huì)原地不動(dòng)的.我想這是最好的, sir.但我們要找個(gè)人上來(lái)幫忙啊.這里都開(kāi)始忙不過(guò)來(lái)了.我桌上的文件有這么高了.你知道你該怎么辦嗎?把它們丟到碎紙機(jī)里去假裝你沒(méi)有收到過(guò)文件就行了.很好的一個(gè)笑話, 賓.為什么這里的人都不信我說(shuō)的話?- 嘿.- 嘿.好, 我已經(jīng)給了Tim一次機(jī)會(huì)了,但他不能再留下了.但是...不. 不, 不.他完全無(wú)法勝任這工作.所以, 我打給推薦他的大廚.他說(shuō), "哈哈! 你中招啦!"好了, 好了, 但你不能今天解雇他.為什么啊?因?yàn)槲医裉煲质?什么? 你說(shuō)他人很好的啊.他是很體貼.他體貼過(guò)頭了!他整天的打電話給我."你自己回家沒(méi)有問(wèn)題吧?""你洗完澡沒(méi)有啊?"那你不要接他的電話就可以啦~.那么他就跑來(lái)我家啊."我好擔(dān)心你啊."厄, 象樣一點(diǎn)吧!什么? 所以我現(xiàn)在就不能解雇他?我們不能在同一天里解雇他又和跟他分手.,他可能會(huì)去自殺的.我要今天就解雇他,而你和他繼續(xù)來(lái)往一個(gè)星期.你在開(kāi)玩笑嗎?和這種笨蛋過(guò)一個(gè)星期,那我去自殺好了.好吧, 好吧, 那么我們今天一起說(shuō),讓他自生自滅吧~~.好吧, 但問(wèn)題是, 誰(shuí)先去說(shuō)呢?'誰(shuí)后說(shuō)的就成賤人了.為什么這么講?想一想.老板開(kāi)除一個(gè)剛剛被女友拋棄的人? 賤!那拋棄一個(gè)剛剛被老板開(kāi)除的人呢?金發(fā)賤人!我?guī)滋烨耙呀?jīng)想過(guò)解雇他了.所以應(yīng)該我先說(shuō),厄, 有點(diǎn)道理呢.厄, 但是...管你的, 我先說(shuō)!嘿, Toby, 有時(shí)間嗎?當(dāng)然, 什么事?我剛開(kāi)完會(huì).我真的很想調(diào)上來(lái)這里工作但我剛才收到通知,不可能了.顯然 有人覺(jué)得我不是在11樓工作的材料.說(shuō)起來(lái), 厄...錢(qián)德到底是哪個(gè)混蛋啊?嘿, 你覺(jué)得我用哪個(gè)借口比較好？我今晚的約會(huì)不可以喝酒啊--說(shuō)我是個(gè)接受治療的酒鬼？說(shuō)我是摩門(mén)教徒 還是我昨晚喝太多了所以到現(xiàn)在還有點(diǎn)醉?- 嘿.- 嗨.嘿.你今晚有地方要去嗎?今晚在Angelica電影院會(huì)放一部烏克蘭電影應(yīng)該會(huì)很好看的.有興趣嗎?不. 沒(méi)有,但我可以陪你去看一部普通人看的電影.瑞秋, 你要去嗎?噢 不行,我有約會(huì).約會(huì)?對(duì)啊. 為什么這樣問(wèn),你覺(jué)得很奇怪嗎?為什么, 不是, 那一點(diǎn)都不奇怪.那 那個(gè), 厄, 很平常.那是 那是... 很世俗的.其實(shí)，其實(shí)約會(huì)很無(wú)聊的.約會(huì)又不是烏克蘭電影.噢, 耳環(huán)!約會(huì)?她和人約會(huì)? 和誰(shuí)去啊?我介紹給她的和我一起工作的演員.你介紹給她的?不是.喬伊, 你在想什么啊?我以為那應(yīng)該沒(méi)有問(wèn)題，因?yàn)榱_斯你和瑞秋已經(jīng)5年沒(méi)有約會(huì)了.喬伊, 我不是擔(dān)心她.我是擔(dān)心我的孩子啊.誰(shuí)和她約會(huì)，也就是和我孩子約會(huì).那么,那么 那個(gè)"演員"要和她去哪里?嘿! 我也是個(gè)"演員"啊.我也不肯定啊. 我想他們坐渡輪去Staten島上的意大利餐廳吧.坐渡輪?我的BB要上渡輪.你有沒(méi)有想過(guò)這是多么危險(xiǎn)的啊?!渡輪不是那種可以載汽車(chē)的很大的那種船嗎?它們才走5英里每小時(shí)吧?為什么他們不跳傘去算了, 哼?很好玩的約會(huì)嗎.他們可以用火柴互燒.那也很好玩啊. 喔!嘿, 喬伊.嘿, Cash.厄, 嘿, 這是羅斯.羅斯, 他是Cash.嘿.嘿. 我聽(tīng)說(shuō)你今晚要上渡輪 是嗎.沒(méi)錯(cuò).沒(méi)錯(cuò).你膽子很大嘛~不是嗎?嘿, 你們看.你覺(jué)得這衣服太低了嗎?嗨, Cash.嘿, 瑞秋.嗨.準(zhǔn)備好了嗎?行了. 好了, 過(guò)會(huì)見(jiàn)了 伙計(jì).好. 你們玩的高興一點(diǎn)吧.- 謝謝.- 謝謝.沒(méi)錯(cuò), 這衣服太低胸了!嗨.嗨.很高興你打電話給我.我老覺(jué)得只有我打電話給你.有什么事嗎?菲比沒(méi)有什么事吧?快有了, 很快.聽(tīng)我說(shuō)--Tim, 你真是一個(gè)很好很好的人.那是因?yàn)槲液湍阍谝黄?嗷.我現(xiàn)在的感覺(jué)，就象是在生命中...噢. 對(duì)不起.你說(shuō)吧.噢, 是餐廳的急召.莫尼卡要馬上見(jiàn)到我呢.噢, 哦, 不, 她不要你!我知道是什么回事. 你可以留下來(lái)的.嗷. 我也會(huì)惦著你的, 菲比.我會(huì)在這里....想著你的.有什么電影想看的嗎?不要再挑外語(yǔ)片了（有字幕）, 好嗎?我看書(shū)都已經(jīng)夠難受了.看書(shū)?對(duì)啊, 汽車(chē)雜志, 娛樂(lè)新聞啊...已經(jīng)夠我受了!你知道嗎, 不如我們, 厄...干脆我們留在這里吧?我們不用去看電影了;我們就呆在這里.在這里等瑞秋約會(huì)回來(lái)?嘿, 如果你想這樣做, 我不反對(duì).老兄, 你怎么啦?我只想... 我要知道她約會(huì)得怎樣了.為什么?這個(gè)男的可能會(huì)成為我孩子的繼父啊.他們才出去約會(huì)一次你就擔(dān)心他們會(huì)結(jié)婚?他又不是你!我只是... 我... 我無(wú)法相信...她去約會(huì)了.嘿, 羅斯, 你覺(jué)得她接著會(huì)怎么做?我不知道啊.我想我無(wú)法接受這種事實(shí).你-意思是?我經(jīng)常這樣想, 當(dāng)我有了第二個(gè)孩子,一切都會(huì)不一樣.你知道的, 我-我愛(ài)我兒子Ben但每次我都要把他送回Carol和Susan家里...那時(shí)候, 我真的有點(diǎn)感傷.我是說(shuō), 在我的腦海里經(jīng)常會(huì)閃現(xiàn)我和我下一個(gè)妻子靠在床上我的孩子跑過(guò)來(lái)?yè)渖洗踩缓笪覀円黄鹱x報(bào)紙, 你明白嗎?又或者爭(zhēng)論科學(xué)問(wèn)題.你的想法很好啊.你或許還有這樣的機(jī)會(huì).不, 不, 我沒(méi)機(jī)會(huì)了.你看 瑞秋和別人去約會(huì)了.而且我的孩子也跟著去了.那個(gè)美好畫(huà)面離我而去了.嘿, 我可以問(wèn)你個(gè)問(wèn)題嗎?,在... 在你那想法里...你的妻子是瑞秋嗎?以前是這樣想的.現(xiàn)在-現(xiàn)在 我妻子的樣子很模糊了.而且, 身體也是模糊的.形容得好.是了, 但那個(gè)臉孔,那個(gè)臉孔不是瑞秋.是, 但... 啊~~,如果還是她就好了.是, 我知道, 但我不覺(jué)得她也會(huì)這樣想.不, 我也不想要這樣.我不能迫自己再愛(ài)上她.好了, 羅斯,或者你的想法要換一下了. 好嗎?事情不會(huì)象你幻想的一樣發(fā)展,但不管怎樣,你都會(huì)有一個(gè)新生的孩子.你的孩子.你怎么想已經(jīng)不重要了.對(duì)哦.嘿, 告訴你.我們兩個(gè)出去找點(diǎn)樂(lè)子吧, 好嗎?隨你喜歡. 走啊.我們還可以趕去看那部烏克蘭電影.不行, 我說(shuō)找樂(lè)子.嘿, Toby.嘿, Bobby.我名字叫 "Bob"嘿, 你在這里工作的.可以告訴我那個(gè)錢(qián)德.賓的辦公室在哪里嗎?厄... 可以啊.那個(gè)房間在... 在-在那邊...那里.對(duì)了. 你找他, 干嘛?我想找那混蛋談?wù)?看他腦子出什么毛病.好, Bob, 你聽(tīng)著, 那個(gè)...其實(shí)是我讓你無(wú)法上來(lái)這工作的.Toby, 不要.Bob...Toby, 我不想你替他辯護(hù).你剛才說(shuō)的話只會(huì)讓我更討厭那錢(qián)德.是嗎, 這么說(shuō)讓我很為難啊.- 嘿.- 嘿. 我收到傳呼. 有什么事嗎?厄, 這, 那取決于你和菲比的感情如何?噢, 十分好.十分好. 非常感謝你撮合我們.哦, 這是我的榮幸.好吧, 那我有個(gè)壞消息要告訴你.菲比!莫尼卡!- 我...- 我要和你分手!- 你被解雇了!什么?我-我要跟你分手.,我要炒你魷魚(yú).為-為什么?對(duì)不起, 我真, 我...我還沒(méi)有準(zhǔn)備好跟人認(rèn)真建立關(guān)系.,我也很抱歉, 但是...,我只是, 我喜歡的事無(wú)法改變而我們的性情格格不入.噢, 這句好.我們的性格也不合.哇.唔, 那好.唔...我-我-我-我知道我有點(diǎn)過(guò)火但那只是因?yàn)槟銓?shí)在太完美了.還有, 厄,我只是想... 我只想說(shuō)我很感激你給我這個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)...你是我見(jiàn)過(guò)的最厲害的大廚.無(wú)論如何...Tim, 等等.什么事?厄... 我想我決定得太快了.這工作肯定有個(gè)適應(yīng)期的,或者...或者我們可以再試試看.真的嗎?沒(méi)錯(cuò).很感謝你, 我知道我可以做得更好的.好吧.還有, Tim... 我只想說(shuō)祝你好運(yùn).你好.嗨.那約會(huì)怎么樣?那個(gè)嘛, 我現(xiàn)在獨(dú)自一人拿著15塊錢(qián)的棒棒糖.你認(rèn)為會(huì)怎樣?厄 呵.發(fā)生什么事了?我不小心告訴他我懷孕了.喔, 他, 厄, 無(wú)法接受?噢,他接受能力比你強(qiáng).但是, 還是不能接受.哦?是啊 他馬上變的怪怪的,噴著口水說(shuō),"是了,我的痔瘡發(fā)作了."他說(shuō)的真惡心.是嗎?嘿, 你想... 你想聽(tīng)個(gè)有趣的事嗎?當(dāng)然啊.- 坐下.- 好.猜猜誰(shuí)的名字中有Muriel.錢(qián)德 M. 賓.對(duì)-沒(méi)錯(cuò).噢, 不會(huì)吧.我真的替你約會(huì)的事難過(guò).嗷, 沒(méi)關(guān)系的.我想我的約會(huì)史要就此結(jié)束了.就象生命中又有一件事情徹底改變了.太難接受了.對(duì), 我也知道.換個(gè)角度說(shuō), 大約... 大約再過(guò)七個(gè)月你就會(huì)擁有一個(gè)孩子她比起你以前約會(huì)過(guò)的人重要得多.等一下吧.一直等到, 唔...一直等到她能抓住你的手指頭.只是你還不知道.謝謝你, 親愛(ài)的.你, 哦, 你要去喝杯咖啡嗎?噢, 不用了. 我想要回家吃掉10根棒棒糖.嘿, 我-我還以為我把你心情搞好了.噢, 是啊-- 這里面有20根糖呢.（我只吃10根）是嗎.晚安.晚安.羅斯?什么事?嘿, 我是Mona.婚禮上那個(gè)啊.噢, 嗨!嗨.哇, 厄... 你好嗎?我很好, 不過(guò)你還欠我一只舞呢.喔, 沒(méi)錯(cuò).是了, 你有興趣看一場(chǎng)烏克蘭電影嗎?噢, 你說(shuō)真的. 當(dāng)然啦.太好了. 那么, 唔...我, 我想我還要一杯咖啡.好啊, 我請(qǐng)客吧.好的.Bob!Bob!Bob!你在干什么啊?我剛找到的! 這里就是錢(qián)德的辦公室!來(lái)吧, Toby! 幫我忙!

806 The One With The Halloween Party

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]
Monica: Hey you guys?
Ross: What?
Monica: I know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe: Oh good! (And there’s general excitement.)
Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there’s general disconcertment.) Come on! It’ll be fun!
Ross: Well, I’ll-I’ll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so…
Rachel: Please tell me you’re not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
Joey: Look, I’ll come to the party but I’m not dressing up.
Monica: You have to!
Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not…
Chandler: You’re an actor!
Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.
Joey: That hot girl from their wedding?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh—Ooh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre—No-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
Phoebe: Now wasn’t Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
Ross: That’s right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please don’t take her from me.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, it’s me! Phoebe!
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Phoebe: Wait a second! So, what’s new with you?
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, I’m getting married next week.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, it’s gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, I’m really happy for you. (Starts to walk away.)
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that’d be okay.
Phoebe: Really?
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y’know, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you’re marrying.
Ursula: Huh. Well, I’m supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. I’m supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe: By the way, it’s a costume party.
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so that’s why you’re… (Motions to what she’s wearing.)
Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks away.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out some food as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume!
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: Ahh!
Monica: I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it.
Rachel: Okay.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y’know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids: Trick or treat!!
Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the candy and opens the door to two parents, a witch, a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch. (Gives her candy.)
Witch: Thank you.
Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives him candy.)
Clown: Thank you.
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Y’know, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I don’t suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but…
Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag and she walks away as Phoebe, dressed as Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes her back.)
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, it’s me. Phoebe!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume…
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didn’t dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)
Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.)
Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.
Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh… Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! There’s only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
Ross: (entering) Hey! (He’s wearing a costume as well.)
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I’m a potato or a…spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he’s wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes… (They’re still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross: No, I-I’m not doody.
Monica: No, space doody!
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fiancée Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Eric: Aren’t you gonna give me a kiss?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe: Ursula’s fiancée?
Eric: Oh my God, you’re the sister!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law’s ass.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: I’m an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.
Phoebe: My mother killed herself.
Eric: She, now I knew that and…now I’m sweating. Look at me, I’m really sweating—Now I’m saying, "Look at me," I’m getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go.
Phoebe: No-no! That’s okay, we’ll just start over. Okay? Hi! I’m Phoebe.
Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and he’s squinting. And, no, it’s not me.)
Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that?
Eric: ‘Cause the sweat’s getting in my eyes and its burning.
Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what are you?
Eric: I don’t think they have a name for it. It’s just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume.
Eric: Oh umm, I’m the solar system. (He’s wearing a black sweater with the planets glued on around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me make it—I teach the second grade.
Phoebe: I love the second grade!
Eric: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah! It’s so much better than first grade when you don’t know what’s going on and definitely better than third grade. Y’know with all the politics and mind games.
Eric: So what do you do?
Phoebe: Umm, I’m a masseuse…by day. (Stands with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.)
Eric: Y’know you don’t have to stand here with me, believe me…
Phoebe: No I’m having fun. I’m really—And I’m really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she’s great. I think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Phoebe: Thank you.
[Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.]
Monica: Hey Joey?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: You read comic books right?
Joey: Exclusively.
Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
Joey: Catwoman, hands down.
Monica: Yeah…
Joey: But between you and Phoebe, I’d have to give the edge to Phoebe.
Monica: What?! Really?!
Joey: Are you kiddin’? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she’s got this crazy temper. She—She’s not standing right behind me is she?
Monica: No you’re fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?
Joey: I’m not sure.
Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can!
Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn’t matter.
Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, y’know, Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!"
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursula’s fiancée is really sweet! He’s a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y’know normally y’know, I don’t like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: You’re getting a crush on your sister’s fiancée.
Phoebe: No I’m not! You are!
Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper.
(There’s a knock on the door and Rachel opens it to a little girl.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Hi! Y’know what honey, we’re actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I’m out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check?
Girl: Okay!
Rachel: Okay, what’s your name?
Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna write this out to cash.
Mona: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hey Mona!
Chandler: Oh! Hi!
Mona: Hi!
Chandler: Joey’s gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you’d come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually I’m just a nurse.
Chandler: You’d think that would embarrass me, but you see I’m maxed out.
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hi!
Ross: You made it!
Mona: Wait-wait! You’re umm, you’re a potato…
Ross: Well, I’m a spud…
Mona: And the antennae…Oh my God you’re Spudnik!
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her.
[Cut to Joey and Monica.]
Joey: Okay, here’s a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler.
Monica: I can’t answer that! Chandler’s my husband.
Joey: So Ross?
Monica: Yeah.
[Cut to Phoebe and Eric.]
Eric: Hey beautiful.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Eric: Two weeks ago.
Phoebe: Two weeks? That’s it?
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe: Oh really?
Eric: We’re both teachers.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I don’t know.")
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Eric: Sure.
(They walk away.)
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed.
Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.
Chandler: What question?
Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
Chandler: There’s no question.
Joey: So you think Ross too?
(Monica turns around slowly.)
Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!
Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he’s the strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey.
Chandler: I cannot believe you didn’t pick me.
Ross: Uh, in her defense, she’s right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Chandler: Oh really?! You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
Ross: Oh I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it like a theorem!!
(They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandler’s ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.)
Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no one’s gonna fight in this apartment.
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, let’s give ‘em what they came for!
Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
Chandler: (To Ross) You’re going down.
Ross: Oh yeah? You’re going further down! Downtown!
Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party continues with Rachel leaning on the counter as Gunther walks in carrying candy.]
Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet.
Gunther: Really?
Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Kid: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.)
Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we’ve got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I’d rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that-that’s not your choice. Happy Halloween!
Boy in the Cape: This isn’t fair.
Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up!
Rachel: You shut up!
(The gang gets interested now.)
Boy in the Cape: You can’t tell me to shut up!
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
Joey: Rach?
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I know—I’m good—I got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, I’ve got one more thing I have to say to you…oh right! Shut up!
Boy in the Cape: You’re a mean old woman. (Runs away.)
Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut up—I mean don’t cry! Let me get my checkbook! (Grabs her checkbook and runs after him.)
[Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room table for the grudge match between Chandler and Ross.]
Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you don’t have to do this, okay? It’s the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You’re loyal, you’re honest, and you have integrity! That’s the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!
Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandler’s, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: Hi liar!
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Y’know the only reason he’s marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Phoebe: But they’re not!
Ursula: Yeah, it’s a fine line huh?
Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?
Ursula: I don’t know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Eric: (entering) Honey?
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebe’s face) It’s a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Eric: She’s helped so many people to quit smoking.
Ursula: Y’know, we’d really better get going.
Eric: Oh right, you’ve got a church group meeting tonight.
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you.
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! We’re waiting! (They go inside.) (To Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. (They grasp each other’s hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get?
Ross: Pride.
Chandler: And dignity.
Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go!
(They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either one’s arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)
[Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to see who will be able to move the other’s arm first. An event that has yet to happen.]
Mona: (To Joey) Wow! They’re both really strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!
Phoebe: Hmm?
Monica: Chandler’s making his sex face.
(Basically Chandler’s face looks like he’s not all there and is staring off into the distance…)
Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin’ tired?
Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.
Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin’ a little tired though.
Chandler: God, I’m exhausted.
Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona’s standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, she’s talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Chandler: No way! If anything you’ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I’m a wimp!
Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin’ people up! And I’m dressed as doody.
Chandler: You’re Spudnik.
Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I’m doody. Please? She’s watchin’.
Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!
Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!
Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!
Joey: (to her) You’re a weird lady.
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Phoebe: Oh.
Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Well, I guess I’ll see you at the wedding. (Exits and Phoebe follows him into the hall.)
Phoebe: Umm listen, I don’t think…I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.
Eric: I think we’ll be okay. Besides it’s so perfect and (whispering) she’s been saving herself for me.
Phoebe: Okay I can’t let you do this! She’s lying to you.
Eric: What?
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursula’s purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. Yeah—Not a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, here’s the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here’s her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Eric: She told me she was 25.
Phoebe: Oh, I almost don’t want to show this. (Hands it to him.) Just remember I’m a minute younger.
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! She’s not a teacher. There’s not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.
Phoebe: No. You’re not, you’re not stupid.
Eric: I’m not smart. (Phoebe has no comeback.) I just wanted so much to…be impulsive once. To be romantic.
Phoebe: That’s good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just…you did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?
Eric: It’s just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different.
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Let’s go!!
Eric: I’d better go, deal…
Phoebe: Yeah, you should. (They shake hands.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursula’s purse and he walks away.)
[Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing down the boy in the cape.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying.
Joey: That’s not so bad.
Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children!
Joey: Come on! You’re good with kids. They’re just crazy on Halloween. Y’know, they’re all greedy and hopped up on sugar!
Rachel: Really? You think that’s all it is?
Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas…and their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime they’re hungry or sleepy. Y’know, kids are tough. Good luck with that. (Walks away.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.]
Monica: Look, I wanted to tell I’m-I’m sorry you lost.
Chandler: Listen, I’ve got a secret for ya. I let him win.
Monica: (laughs) Is that a secret or a lie.
Chandler: No, I let him win—Ross!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win please?
Ross: Oh. Yeah. (Sarcastically) Uh Chandler let me win. No, Chandler’s really strong. Oh my arm is so sore. Oh nurse! (Waddles over to Mona.)
Chandler: I am strong! I’ll show you! (He sits down at the table.)
Monica: Chandler please!
Chandler: Oh what’s the matter? Are you scared?
Monica: Let’s go big bunny!
(They assume the starting position.)
Chandler: Okay. 1…2…3—Go! (Once again he’s at a stalemate, but this time he’s in pain.) (Pause) I’m gonna kill myself!
End