成長的煩惱第三季Growing Pains 301
Mike: Hello? Hello? Aloha? Whoa.
(Laughter)
Carol: I said it before and I’ll say it again, this whole vacation stinks!
Dad: Carol if you can’t say something positive, don’t say anything at all.
Carol: Fine!
Mike: That’s all it takes to shut her up?
Mom: That applies to you to Mike. Things are bad enough with us stuck on this rundown
garbage scout with a broken motor and a radio that probably never worked.
Dad: Well, thanks for those positive words Maggie.
Mom: Oh did I say anything about the false economy of renting this thing instead of a real
boat just to save a few measly dollars?
Dad: Well, that was $175 measly dollars and this thing is a boat.
Maggie: If it doesn’t have a bathroom it’s not a real boat.
Ben: Are we gonna die?
Mom: No, honey we are not going to die.
Mike: No, we’re just stranded on a leaky boat somewhere off the coast of maui without any
way to communicate. What do we have to worry about?
Carol: Sharks.
Ben: Really?!
Dad: Carol, don’t frighten your brother.
Ben: I’m not scared, Dad, sharks are neat! This is the first good news I’ve had since we’ve
been on this rundown old garbage scout.
(Laughter)
Dad: Now come on, the coast guards gonna find us. Let’s look at this as the Seaver clan’s
great adventure. You realize this is the first time since we got to Maui that we’ve had the
chance to spend some real time together? This is a family vacation, right?
Carol: Oh, please. [Looks at Maggie] Sorry!
Dad; I know what this group needs! Time for the Seaver song fest! Come on.
[singing] Row row row your boat gently down… take it Maggie!
Maggie: I don’t feel like taking it.
Dad: Everybody else then! [Continues singing] Row row row your boat gently down the stream,
merrily, merrily… [fades off]
[Theme song]
Dad: [Singing incoherently] Everybody sing!
Everybody: Stop!
Dad: Ok.
Ben: Mom! Dad! Do we have any ketchup left?
Maggie: Lunch is over, Ben.
Ben: It’s not for me; it’s for Jaws. I’m gonna fool him into thinking it’s blood.
Mike: Ben, that is so stupid.
Ben: Oh, yea? Well, when I poured ketchup all over my shirt at school Monica Brooker would
scream and she’s a lot smarter than some dumb fish.
Dad: Here you go, Ben. Happy hunting. All right everybody, what will we do next?
Carol: May I throw up, please?
Ben: Here sharky, sharky. Here’s blood for you.
Dad: What’s the matter with you people? I mean we’re in paradise here, together. What about
the smiling faces you all had when we sat around the living room and we voted unanimously
to come to Maui?
Dad: So what’s it gonna be folks? Florida or…
Ben: Maui! Maui!
Carol and Ben: Maui! Maui! Maui!
Maggie and Mike: Maui! Maui!
Everybody: [Chanting] Maui!
Mike: Maui would be ok!
Maggie: Oh, Maui!
Dad: Well, it’s unanimous then!
Maggie: As long as we’re all together!
Carol: We should just tell him.
Maggie: Carol, be quiet.
Dad: Tell me what?
Maggie: Honey, the truth is, is that none of us was really that excited about coming here.
Dad: What?
Carol: We despise the idea in the very marrow of our bones.
Mike: Oh, no not me. I was totally stoked.
Carol: Not at first. Remember when we first heard about this trip?
Dad: Alright, now that we’re all together, I guess we can begin.
Carol: What?
Dad: It’s time for another Seaver family meeting and none of you is going anywhere!
Carol: But Bobby’s going to be here in less than an hour.
Dad: So you had him coming over before you asked us?
Carol: I move that the Seaver family meeting be called to order.
Dad: Smart girl, so moved.
Maggie: I second that.
Dad: All right, anyone have any old business to discuss?
Mike: I do. I hereby move that we adjourn this meeting.
Dad: You’re out of order. Chair hereby recognizes himself.
Ben: Yep, that’s you all right!
Dad: Well, I’d like to give you the preliminary report of the summer activities subcommittee.
Mike: What?
Dad; I come before you with two proposals for the Seaver family “vacacion”
Ben: Great!
Carol: What vacation?!
Dad: Well, you said to handle this because you were too busy with the paper and boy, did I
handle it.
Maggie: Well, I, uh…
Ben: Where we going?!
Dad: That’s the spirit, Ben! Yes! The Seaver family together, right?
Ben: Right!
Dad: Ok, what will it be, ten fun-filled days at Disneyworld
Ben: Yea, yea, yea!
Dad: Or ten days in Maui? [Silence] Takes your breath away, doesn’t it? Alright, so basically
that’s what we have to vote on tonight.
Mike: Dad, your office phone is ringing.
Dad: Ok, well, you just, uh, talk among yourselves. What will it be, ten days in Maui or ten
days in Orlando, Florida? Which by the way is the least expensive of the two. Not that that
should be a factor in your decision. Just as long as we’re all together, as long as…
Ben: Dad, your mental patient.
Dad: Right, just, uh, talk.
[Everybody starts talking at once]
Carol: Aw, Mom I’d love to go, but…
Mom: Shhh…
[Mike and Carol at the same time]
Mike: C’mon Mom. I was planning on hanging out with Eddie and Boner in the pokemons for a
week or two. Go camping and fishing, some good clean fun. Mom? I mean, I’m 17, I should
have fun while I’m young, shouldn’t I?
Carol: [incoherent] July is the one month that Bobby isn’t going to be working. I know, Mom,
save your money by not going, how’s that?
Ben: Wow! This vacation’s gonna be neat!
Maggie: Oh, honey Ben. Would you mind taking your dessert into the living room and
watching a little television?
Ben: Sure!
Mike and Carol: Aw, Mom!
Maggie: You two could have a little consideration for someone else’s feelings.
Carol: But I…
Maggie: If this vacation doesn’t happen, he’ll be moping around the house and crying for a
month.
Mike: He’ll get over it. He’s 11.
Maggie: No, he’s not. He’s 39.
Mike: When you were my age, did you want to go off with your parents for 10 days?
Maggie: I most certainly… Well, honestly, I…
Carol: Mom…
Maggie: Oh why did you father have to pick this year of all years for a wonderful, beautiful,
romantic vacation like Maui?
Mike: Well, I guess we’ll just have to tell him that we can’t go.
Carol: No. Let’s make this decision in the right spirit. Let’s vote for Florida. It’ll make your
father happy because it’s cheaper, it’ll make little Ben happy, and it’s only a two-hour flight if
any of us happen to have to rush back to see our editors. Agreed?
Carol: Sure.
Mike: I guess.
Maggie: And we won’t mention a word of this to your father.
Carol: How am I going to break the news to Bobby, huh?
Mike: What are you kidding me? This trip will give him a chance to do a little trolling. Alright,
well, ten days with tinker bell or we’ve got… Holy Toledo! Look at this babe. Oh and this one!
Ai yai yai! This is an island full of foxes here! Wait a minute. Why didn’t someone tell me this,
this Maui place is Hawaii?
Carol: And that’s when Mike went to work.
Mike: I sure did. And I started with the weakest link.
Ben: Hey!
Mike: Benny, Benny, my lad. We must talk. Alright now, do you really want to spend 10 boring
days in Orlando, Florida?
Ben: At Disney World? Are you kidding?
Mike: Alright, just look at this.
Ben: So? It’s a girl with coconuts on her…
Mike: Exactly.
Ben: Wow! This Maui has horseback riding!
Mike: Horses? Ben, let me remind you, you’re in puberty now. Now girls are…
Ben: They let you ride on the beach!
Mike: Ben, you’re not gonna… I mean, uh, yea, yea. Yea, dude, you can just ride your little
brains out over there. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they let you keep your horse right in your
hotel room!
Ben: Alright!
Carol: No! I am not going to be 6,000 miles from the man I love.
Mike: So what, 1,200 miles to Florida is better?
Carol: Yes! At least we’ll be in the same time zone.
Mike: Why? So you can call him every hour and make sure he’s not out scamming babes? Ah
ha! That’s it! That’s it!
Carol: I’m gonna put goofy glue in your zit cream.
Mike: What would you do for me if I promised to get Mom and Dad to let you stay home?
Carol: What?!
Mike: I had her hooked then. So you’re interested?
Carol: Mike said if I voted for Maui, I wouldn’t have to go.
Boyfriend: Ten days in July? Oh, Carol, that’s when my summer job ends. We were supposed
to spend some time together before school starts.
Carol: No, wait! You haven’t heard the good news. Mike has promised to fix it so I don’t have
to go with them!
Boyfriend: Alright!
Carol: So, for ten days I’ll be here, all alone. So you see, Dad, the family vote was rigged.
Jason: So what will it be then, folks? Florida or…
Ben: Maui! Maui! Maui!
Maggie: Maui?
Mike: Maui would be ok, right Carol?
Carol: Yes, Maui!
Jason: Well, then it’s unanimous.
Maggie: As long as we’re all together.
Jason: Oh.
Maggie: Honey, I…
Jason: No, no, no. It’s fine. Hey, it’s fine. Yep, it’s just fine. Well, I will have a good time for all
of you because I’m going swimming.
Ben: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! A shark!
Maggie: Jason! Jason! Swim back here!
Mike: Dad! Come on! Swim!
Carol: Hurry! Hurry!
Ben: And Jaws is closing in. Run for your life it’s Jaws!
Mike: Ben, Ben. That’s not a shark. Sharks do not have blowholes.
Ben: They can if they want to.
Jason: And where was I before all the commotion? Oh, that’s right, I was having fun for
everybody. I was swimming. You know, fishing is fun, too. Fishing is more fun than swimming.
Carol: This whole mess is all your fault, you know.
Mike: Mine? Look, you think I like being stuck out here? Man, I have got to get back to, uh,
I’ve got to, uh, um. Let’s just say I’ve got a little rendezvous, alright?
Carol: Rendezvous? Spell it.
Mike: R-u-n… alright, so I can’t spell it. Big deal. But Mike Seaver does not limit what he does
to what he can spell. And speaking of doing, ever since we got here a whole world has been
going on you’ve missed.
Jason: Whoa-ho! Will you look at this view? Didn’t I tell you guys we’d be in paradise?
Mike: I was trying to figure out how many nights we were going to have in Maui and how
many women I’d get a chance to meet. When I saw her. Who was this fox? How come I saw
her the minute we got to Maui?
Jason: Hey, Mike!
Mike: And how was it possible that her tour group was staying at our hotel? It was so clear to
me. God was telling me that this girl should be my first Hawaiian experience. Like if I didn’t at
least try to meet her it would be a bad sin.
Jason: Mike, come on!
Mike: You know I always like to do the right thing.
Local tour guide: Ok, why don’t we just get a little bit closer together? Ok, that’s it. Looks like
someone’s just joined my tour without paying.
Mike: Hey, how’d you spot me?
Local tour guide: Uh, why don’t you move just a little bit more to your left?
Mike: Before I knew what happened…
Local tour guide: A little bit more.
Mike: She agreed to give me a private tour of the island.
Local tour guide: More. Perfect. [Japanese]
Mike: This afternoon. As in today, but no I’m out here on this stupid tub. T-U-B.
Carol: Serves you right. You were gonna get me out of this trip, remember?
Mike: Uh, Dad. You got a sec?
Jason: Hold on. Hold on. I’m talking to the travel agent.
Ben: Get out of the shot, Mike!
Jason: Yea. No, no. We can fly coach.
Mike: Uh, Mom, mom. You got a sec?
Maggie: Uh, sure, Mike.
Mike: Yea, well, see, Carol wants to blow off this whole family vacation thing so she can hang
out with Bobby while we’re gone. What do you say?
Maggie: Absolutely not.
Mike: Eh, I tried.
Carol: What?! Bobby, I’ll miss you every single second we’re gone.
Bobby: I’m really going to miss you, too. And remember, I’ll call you every day at six o’clock.
Wait a minute. That’s six o’clock your time. My time will be, uh…
Carol: So here I am stuck on this stinking excuse for a boat. I can’t even get his call. He’s
gonna think I met some gorgeous hunk who swept me off my feet and that I’m playing around
on him.
Mike: Why would he think that?
Maggie: Come on, you guys. Lose the long faces. I’m trying to cheer your Dad up. You could
help, you know.
Carol: I can’t believe that while I’ve got to get to shore, you’re gonna sit here and fish!
Maggie: Well, I have to go to the bathroom, but we don’t always get our way.
Mike: Oh, come on, Mom. It’s easy for you. I mean what else do you have to do other than
float around out here?
Maggie: What else? You kids have no idea what I’ve gone through, what I’m going through, to
make this trip the best vacation ever for your dad. Sure I had vacation time coming. Sure I
wanted time with my family. But with hotshot new reporter after my job, this was the worst
possible time to leave. Carine Dubois. Ha! Fake name if I ever heard one.
Susan: Maggie! I am getting great reaction to part one of the nuclear power series. When can
you have part two?
Maggie: Well, Susan, the thing is, is that I am going with my family to Maui and…
Susan: Oh?
Maggie: But I’ll be back in…
Susan: Well, that’s ok, I’ll put Carine on it.
Maggie: Carine?
Susan: Give her all your research. Have a good trip.
Maggie: This is my series!
Susan: Have fun! Send me a postcard.
Maggie: I’ll do it! I’ll do it! You know, from the day we got here, I haven’t exactly been on a
full time vacation. When I went to bed with your father, the real work began.
Carol: What are you saying?
Maggie: Just stay with me, Carol. Oh, honey, I couldn’t disappoint your dad. But I couldn’t
disappoint myself, either. So, I figured what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. At night, when
everyone else was sleeping, I’d work on my story in the bathroom. If your dad woke up, I
could always use my old standby excuse. Diarrhea.
Jason: Oh, really?
Maggie: Oh, honey, I…
Jason: Oh, no, no, no. That’s alright. No, no. That explains why you’ve been too tired to...
socialize.
Ben: Hey, Dad! Aren’t you going to show Mom the fish you caught?
Jason: Absolutely not. No one gets to see my fish.
Maggie: Oh, honey, I can explain.
Jason: No, no. Don’t say a word. I understand, I surrender. I surrender to all of you. I was
wrong to think that a family vacation might be a good idea. ‘Cause you’ve all got other things
to do. More important things than spending a little time with your loved ones. That’s alright,
forget it. Forget it. Let’s be honest, this trip is over. Never mind.
Mike: Hey, Dad. Is that a spark plug?
Jason: Forget it, Mike.
Ben: Hey, Dad, I can’t film it if you’re standing on it.
Maggie: Jason, does that spark plug have anything to do with the fact that we’re lying dead in
the water?
Mike: Yes, it does!
Jason: Ok, you know, with Mike running off all the time and Carol sulking and Maggie you
have been preoccupied. Yes, yes, yes. Well, I knew that if we could just spend a little… if we
were forced to spend some time together that fundamentally we all wanted to be together.
And I know you’re gonna get a kick out of this because I just…
Maggie: Jason. The spark plug.
Jason: What spark plug?
Ben: Hey, you guys, just wait until you see the neat stuff I videotaped!
Everybody: Shut up, Ben.
Carol: S-E-A-V-E-R. Are you sure there aren’t any messages? Well, I’m sorry, too! Bobby
probably called and when I wasn’t here, he was so angry he couldn’t leave a message.
Jason: Aw, well you’ll feel better after your dinner. Come on! We’ll catch the wonder and the
magic of a Maui sunset.
Carol: I can’t leave this telephone, Dad. Are you crazy?
Jason: What was I thinking? Maggie!
Maggie: I would eat Jason, but I have a deadline but I wasted so much time bobbing aimlessly
about in the ocean.
Jason: Uh-huh. Mike!
Ben: Oh, he’s gone again. Maybe this time for good.
Jason: Well, alright, then that leaves you and me, Ben.
Ben: My dinner’s taken care of.
Jason: What?
Ben: Well, see, there’s this really neat thing here. You just pick up the phone, tell them what
you want, and they bring it right to your room.
Jason: Room service?
Ben: That’s it! And you can eat it in your underwear!
Jason: Come on, Ben. The whole point of a vacation is to get out, so you can see things, and
you can meet people, and you’ll have a good…
Hadley: Hey, Ben! Hey, how’s it going?
Ben: Hi Hadley.
Jason: I’ll be in the restaurant. Alone. Ok, bye!
Hadley: Bye! Here you go, Benny.
Ben: Wanna eat with me?
Hadley: Naw, I can’t do it. Nazi’s?
Carol: No, we’re New Yorkers.
Hadley: No, your book. This may be the first time I’ve ever seen a guest reading that. Oh,
wait, there was another time Kirk Waldheim stayed here once. It’s a little history joke.
Carol: That’s funny!
Hadley: Actually, history’s going to be major at Yale in the fall.
Carol: Yale, huh? Well, I love history, too.
Hadley: No kidding?
Carol: Yea!
Hadley: The Boxer rebellion? The Dark Ages?
Carol: The Inquisition!
Hadley: That’s fun stuff!
Carol: I’ll say!
Hadley: Well, listen, um, tomorrow’s my day off, you wouldn’t want to get together and have a
little chat about the Black Plague of Europe would you?
Ben: She can’t, she’s going with some guy.
Carol: Shut up, Ben.
Malia: Aloha, Mike.
Mike: Uh, don’t these things usually come with a kiss?
Malia: Yea. Did you remember to bring your trunks?
Mike: Hey, I haven’t been able to think about anything else.
Malia: You’re gonna love this! Well, what do you think?
Mike: Uh, look, where you taking me?
Malia: Some place neat. Come on! Come on.
Mike: Uh, you know, there’s dead people here.
Malia: Sure, my great grandfather, his father, and my great aunt Loki…
Mike: Yeah, well, you know I’m sure they’re very nice people. Uh, polite, well behaved.
Malia: Just follow me.
Mike: Look, where are we going?
Malia: To heaven.
Mike: Exactly how do you mean that?
