雙語(yǔ)短文 · 我相信我總能選擇

I Believe that I Always Have a Choice　我相信我總能選擇

◎ Catherine Royce


I believe that I always have a choice. No matter what I’m doing. No matter where I am. No matter what is happening to me. I always have a choice.
Today I am sitting at my computer, speaking these words through a microphone. Although I have spent my life typing on a keyboard, I can no longer use my hands. Every day I sit at my computer speaking words instead of typing. In 2003, I was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Over time, this disease will weaken and finally destroy every significant muscle in my body. Ultimately, I will be unable to move, to speak, and finally, to breathe. Already, I am largely dependent upon others. So every day I review my choices.
Living with ALS seems a bit like going into the witness protection program. Everything I have ever known about myself, how I look, how I act, how I interact with the world, is rapidly and radically changing. And yet, with each change, I still have choice. When I could no longer type with my hands, I knew I could give up writing entirely or go through the arduous process of learning how to use voice recognition software. I’m not a young woman. This took real work. Interestingly, I write more now than ever before.
And at an even more practical level, every day I choose not only how I will live, but if I will live. I have no particular religious mandate that forbids contemplating a shorter life, an action that would deny this disease its ultimate expression. But this is where my belief in choice truly finds its power. I can choose to see ALS as nothing more than a death sentence or I can choose to see it as an invitation—an opportunity to learn who I truly am.
Even people in the witness protection program must take with them fundamental aspects of themselves which can never change. What are these aspects for me? This is what I learn every day, and so far I have discovered many unique things, but one stands out above the rest. I have discovered in myself an ability to recognize, give, and receive caring in a way far deeper than anything in my life previously. Others have seen this in me as well.
I, who have always been an intensely private and independent person, have allowed a wide circle of family and friends into the most intimate parts of my life. Previously, I would have found such a prospect appalling. I might have felt I had no choice but to embrace the assumption that living with ALS means a life of hardship and isolation. Instead, because I believe that I always have a choice, I opened myself to other possibilities. And now the very thing that at first seemed so abhorrent has graced my life with unaccustomed sweetness. It was always there. Only now I have chosen to see it. This sweetness underscores and celebrates my belief that I always have a choice.



我相信我總能選擇。無(wú)論我在做什么，無(wú)論我在哪里，無(wú)論我發(fā)生了情況，我總能選擇。
今天我坐在電腦前，通過(guò)麥克風(fēng)說(shuō)了這些話。雖然一直以來(lái)我都是用鍵盤打字，但現(xiàn)在我無(wú)法再使用我的手了。所以我每天在電腦前勇敢地講話而不是打字。2003年我被診斷患有肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥。隨著時(shí)間的推移，這種疾病會(huì)削弱并毀壞我身上的每一塊肌肉組織。最終，我將無(wú)法行動(dòng)，無(wú)法開口說(shuō)話，直至無(wú)法呼吸?，F(xiàn)在我的大部分行動(dòng)都要依靠別人幫助。因此，每天我都在審視我的選擇。
我被診斷患有肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥之后的生活，就像受保護(hù)的證人一樣。我對(duì)自己的一切都很了解，我的樣貌，我的行動(dòng)，我與這個(gè)世界的一切互動(dòng)，都從根本上發(fā)生了巨大的變化。但是，對(duì)于這所有的變化，我都有自己的選擇權(quán)。當(dāng)我無(wú)法再次使用我的雙手打字時(shí)，我就知道我只能完全放棄手寫，要經(jīng)歷漫長(zhǎng)的過(guò)程去學(xué)如何使用聲音識(shí)別軟件。我不再是一個(gè)年輕的女人了。這對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)真的要下一番工夫來(lái)學(xué)習(xí)。但有趣的是，現(xiàn)在我比以往任何時(shí)候都寫得更多了。
從更為實(shí)際的角度上看，我每天選擇的不僅僅是我將如何生活，而是我是否要活下去。沒(méi)有任何的宗教禁忌阻止我思考是否可以提早結(jié)束我的生命，這個(gè)選擇可以使我不必辛苦地?fù)蔚讲∏榘l(fā)展的最后一刻。就在這時(shí)，我一直堅(jiān)信的選擇真的發(fā)揮了它的力量。我可以選擇把肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥僅僅看做是一個(gè)死亡宣判，我也可以選擇將它看做是一個(gè)邀請(qǐng)——一個(gè)真正認(rèn)識(shí)我自己的機(jī)會(huì)。
即使每個(gè)在證人保護(hù)制度下生活的人也都會(huì)帶著一些他們永不改變的特質(zhì)。什么東西對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)是永不改變的呢？這就是我每天堅(jiān)持學(xué)習(xí)的東西，到目前為止，我已經(jīng)發(fā)現(xiàn)了許多奇特的事情，但最與眾不同的事情是我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己較之以往更能認(rèn)識(shí)到，給予和接受關(guān)懷比任何都能讓我獲益。其他的人也發(fā)現(xiàn)我在這方面改變了許多。
以前我是一個(gè)獨(dú)來(lái)獨(dú)往、過(guò)著十分獨(dú)立生活的人，讓更多親人和朋友進(jìn)入我個(gè)人最私密的生活圈子會(huì)讓我感到害怕。得了肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥后，我以為，從此我就只能過(guò)著艱難而又與世隔絕的生活。但是，因?yàn)槲蚁嘈盼铱傆羞x擇的余地，我愿意嘗試一切其他的可能性。原先看起來(lái)十分可怕的病，卻使我現(xiàn)在的生活變得異常甜蜜。其實(shí)幸福的生活一直在我身邊，只是我現(xiàn)在才選擇去發(fā)現(xiàn)它的存在。這種幸福感更加使我堅(jiān)信：我總能選擇。