(中英)現(xiàn)代散文:撇棄 Throwing off My Dark Shadow

Throwing off My Dark Shadow

撇　棄

◎ Ba Jin

◎　巴　金

It was a cool evening. I was walking down a rain-drenched street by myself. In the faint light of the street lamps, all was a blur before me. The footfalls of two old women disappeared in the distance as well as their receding figures. I was faced with darkness or, perhaps, emptiness.

涼夜，我一個(gè)人走在雨濕的街心①，街燈的微光使我眼前現(xiàn)出一片昏黃。兩個(gè)老婦的腳聲跟著背影遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)地消失了②。我的前面是陰暗，又似乎是空虛。

I had been searching for dazzling brilliance, only to find a few dying lamplights around me.

我在找尋炫目的光輝。但是四周只有幾點(diǎn)垂死的燈光。

The walk didn't tire my feet. I didn't know how long I had been walking, or how far I still had to go.

我的腳不感到疲倦。我不記得我已經(jīng)走了若干時(shí)候，也不知道還要走若干路程。

I found a shadow following me closely and quietly. It seemed that he had been whispering into my ear.

一個(gè)影子在后面緊緊跟著我。他走路沒(méi)有聲音。我好像聽(tīng)見(jiàn)他在我的耳邊低聲講話。

I looked back, but not a soul in sight. Then, when I walked on, I heard the same voice again.

我回過(guò)頭，看不見(jiàn)一個(gè)人③，等我再往前走，我又聽(tīng)見(jiàn)有人在我后面說(shuō)話④。

Who is it? I asked.

“誰(shuí)？”我問(wèn)道。

Me, sounded a familiar voice.

“我，”這是一個(gè)熟悉的聲音。

Who are you? Why have you been following me closely?

“你是誰(shuí)，為什么緊緊跟著我？”

I'm your shadow. I've always been at your heels.

“我是你的影子。我從來(lái)就跟在你后面。”

Then please come out so that I can take a look at you. I'm tired of your gabbling.

“那么請(qǐng)你出來(lái)，讓我見(jiàn)你一面。我不要聽(tīng)你那些嘰哩咕嚕⑤。”

He fell into silence, but kept tailing after me.

他不作聲，卻仍然跟著我走。

Say, please show up and let me see you, I demanded again out of impatience. "Why have you been hiding yourself in the dark?"

“我說(shuō)，請(qǐng)你出來(lái)，讓我見(jiàn)見(jiàn)你。你為什么老躲在黑暗里面？”我不能忍耐地再說(shuō)一次。

No, I won't show up, he faltered. "I can't go without darkness. Darkness provides cover for me."

“我不能出來(lái)，”他囁嚅地說(shuō)；“我不能離開(kāi)黑暗。黑暗可以作我的掩護(hù)。”

Then you know where I'm going? I asked suddenly.

“那么你可知道我要去什么地方？”我突然問(wèn)道。

No, I don't, but I want to follow you.

“我不知道，不過(guò)我要跟著你。”

Let me tell you, I'm going to look for light.

“我告訴你，我要去尋找光明。”

Thereupon, I seemed to hear a voice exclaiming, "Aiyo!" Then, after quite a while, I heard the whisper again.

我似乎聽(tīng)見(jiàn)一聲“啊喲”，過(guò)了半晌，耳語(yǔ)又響起來(lái)：

You'll never find light. You'd better turn back and take another way.

“你不會(huì)找到光明。你還不如回頭走別的路。”

I'll keep going forward, and never stop until I find light.

“我一定要往前走。見(jiàn)不到光明，我就不停腳步。”

But do you know how far from here you'll have to go before you find light? And how long will you be able to walk in this life?

“但是你知道這地方離光明還有若干路程？你這一生又還可以走若干時(shí)候？”

I don't care about all that. So long as I live, I go where there's light.

“我不管這些事。只要我活著，我就要到那個(gè)地方去找光明。”

You'll die of exhaustion before you find anything. And nobody will care to bury you. Your dead body will be left unburied in the wilderness for vultures to eat.

“你會(huì)什么也看不見(jiàn)，就疲倦地死在中途。沒(méi)有人埋葬你，卻讓你暴尸荒野，給兀鷹做食料。”

I would rather have my dead body pecked by vultures than fed to dogs. I would rather die of exhaustion than lie comfortably in my warm home.

“我寧愿讓兀鷹啄我的肉，卻不想拿它們?nèi)ノ构?。我寧愿疲勞地死在荒野，卻不想安樂(lè)地躺在溫暖的家中。”

All people will laugh at you and forget you. Nobody will hand you a cup of water when you are thirsty. Nobody will come to your help when you fall down. People will throw stones at you when you groan. You'll never gain any sympathy all your life.

“所有的人都會(huì)嘲笑你；誰(shuí)都會(huì)忘記你。你口渴，沒(méi)有人遞給你一杯水。你倒下去，沒(méi)有人攙扶你一把。你呻吟，便有人向你投擲石子。一直到死，你得不到一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)同情。”

Why should I need other people's sympathy? Do I disbelieve myself or the way I'm following?

“我為什么要?jiǎng)e人的同情？難道我不相信自己？不相信自己的路？”

Then aren't you afraid of loneliness? Don't you know the way ahead is all paved with loneliness?

“那么你不怕寂寞？你不知道前面的路便是用寂寞鋪砌的？”

Yes, I do. I'll walk with even more vigorous steps the moment I set foot on loneliness. Loneliness will be my faithful companion.

“我知道。我的腳踏在寂寞上面，我的步子就顯得更有力，寂寞會(huì)成為我的忠實(shí)伴侶。”

You bloody fool, even if you got light, what good would it do you? Would it keep you adequately fed and clad? He even had the audacity to start sneering at me.

“你這個(gè)傻子，即使你得到光明，你拿它來(lái)做什么用⑥？你能將它當(dāng)飯吃，當(dāng)衣穿？”影子居然哂笑起來(lái)。

I gave a clear-cut answer, "If I get light, I'll share it with everybody and let it shed its brilliance all over the world. If I fail to get light, I'll be just ready to die a solitary death halfway."

我昂然回答：“我若得到光明，就把它分給眾人，讓光輝普照世界。若得不著光明，我愿意一個(gè)人寂寞地死在中途。”

As to yourself, what would you keep for yourself?

“但是為你自己，你留什么給你自己？”

When light shines all over the world, I'll enjoy my share of its brilliance —

“如果光明普照世界，我也可以分到一線光——”

What if darkness predominates? he cut in.

“然而要是黑暗統(tǒng)治一切呢？”它打岔地問(wèn)我。

I'll fight with darkness as best I can. I've made up my mind to break through it.

“那么我就努力跟黑暗斗爭(zhēng)，我必要打破黑暗。”

Break through it, eh? he burst out laughing. "Ha-ha! Are you that powerful? I'm telling you not to overestimate your own power."

“打破黑暗？你有多大的力量？”它哈哈笑起來(lái)。“我勸你不要過(guò)分看重自己。”

Never mind if I have the power or not. I have ambitions and determination. It doesn't matter if I should fail. Other people will achieve what I failed to do.

“不管我有沒(méi)有力量，但是我有志愿，我有決心。我做不到，不要緊。別的人可以做到。”

You lunatic, you dreamer! You forsake happiness and honour. You treasure loneliness and regard it as your lifelong companion. And you're trying to go after light and break through darkness without ever thinking how I could exist without darkness!

“你這個(gè)瘋子，你這個(gè)空想家。你不要安樂(lè)。你不要榮譽(yù)。你卻把寂寞當(dāng)作寶貝，還要它做你的永久伴侶。你還要追求光明，打破黑暗，卻不想，沒(méi)有黑暗，我怎么能夠生存？”

He grinned, he laughed, he roared.

它冷笑，它哂笑，它大笑。

That's enough, he continued, "I'd better give up. What good will it do me to keep following you? I shouldn't make a fool of myself by ruining myself for nothing. From now on, we each go our own way. You can go ahead embracing loneliness and hugging death. Let me count on seeing your dead body gobbled up by vultures and your bones trodden to pieces by horses' hoofs."

“算了罷，我也該死心了。老是跟著你，對(duì)我有什么好處？我不甘心做一個(gè)傻瓜，白白毀掉我自己。從這時(shí)候起，你走你的路，我走我的。讓你去擁抱寂寞，任你去愛(ài)撫死亡⑦。我會(huì)看到兀鷹啄盡你的肉⑧，馬蹄踏碎你的骨。”

Laughing a few derisive laughs, my shadow disappeared from behind me. He walked away noiselessly. I no longer knew his whereabouts. I only saw a dark shadow flash past the corner of my eye.

帶著幾聲輕蔑的大笑，我的影子離開(kāi)了我。它走路沒(méi)有聲音，我不知它去向何處。我只看見(jiàn)一個(gè)黑影在我的眼角一晃。

Now there was no more whispering in my ear.

于是我的耳邊寂然了。

The twilight was deepening. A long murky road stretched far into the distance. As I raised my head to strain my eyes to see through the darkness, a ray of light seemed to flash from afar, though definitely a long, long way from where I was.

在我的眼前，那昏黃淡到成為一片灰黑。前面展開(kāi)一條長(zhǎng)的路。路是陰暗的，我抬起頭用力向前望去，我要看透那陰暗。好像有一線光在遠(yuǎn)處搖晃，但亮光離這里一定很遠(yuǎn)⑨。

I moved along slowly by myself in the prevailing silence of the night. I couldn't remember how far I had covered, and nor did I know for how long I still had to travel.

路上只有我一個(gè)人。我慢慢地在寂靜中移動(dòng)腳步。我不記得我已經(jīng)走了若干路程，也不知道還要走若干時(shí)候。

《撇棄》是巴金寫(xiě)于1941年8月4日的一篇優(yōu)美散文，后編入他的散文集《龍·虎·狗》。文章反映作者追求光明的堅(jiān)定意志和大無(wú)畏精神。