Mother’s Memory 遺留在時光背后的思念

They’re gone now.

I stood in the driveway and watched my grown children drive off into the distance. I looked down the road until I could no longer see their vehicles.

“They live way too far away from me,” I said to myself. “When did they grow up and become parents of small children? Shouldn’t that be me?”

I slipped back inside the house and just walked through the rooms for no reason in particular. I was just missing them already and looking for signs of their having been here. There were pillows on the floor where they had been tossed from the couch and a few stuffed animals lying around where the children had been playing.

I smiled at the little fingerprints on my mirror. I didn’t wipe them off. I thought back to the time when I tried so hard to keep the fingerprints off the mirrors and doors when my children were small. Now, I wanted the tiny fingerprints to stay so that I could see them there just a little longer.

As I walked around the house, I picked up a few items on the floor and straightened a chair. I decided to sort through the toy box and I found a flying dinosaur, a skeleton, and a Frankenstein that had mysteriously taken up residence in my box of toys.

I walked into the kitchen and there on the back of the sink was a bottle brush that had been left behind. “Ah, even Tessa left something behind,” I announced. Well, I suppose she had help since she was just four months old.

“I wonder what else has been left behind,” I said out loud to no one in particular. My husband heard me and joined the search for things left behind.“

It seems like every time our family gets together something is left behind. When I call my children to tell them what they have left behind I am usually told, “Oh, just bring it when you come,” “Keep it for me until I come back the next time,” or “Hey, I really need that, would you mind mailing it to me?”

“Oh look! Here’s Tegan’s tooth,” I said to my husband as I picked up a ziplock bag with her name engraved on it. Tegan had a loose tooth and had managed to wiggle it out earlier in the day. “Now, she can’t put it under her pillow. I wonder if it will work if I put it under my pillow. The Tooth Fairy is going to be so confused!” I laughed.

I walked on around the house finding more things that had been left behind: a toothbrush, a ponytail band, an angel figurine, a pie pan, a frozen teething ring in the freezer, and last but not least the insides of a turkey fryer.

I was really kind of enjoying myself. It gave me something to do, after they left, to take my mind off of missing them.

Then my eyes teared up as I noticed the baby outfit beside the sink where it had been left to dry after spots had been scrubbed out of it. The little outfit, now stain free, reminded me of the trip to the emergency room with Rowan due to a gash on her head that was caused from a flower pot pulled over by her curious little fingers.

“Hmmm, things left behind…” I pondered to myself. It seems there is one thing that is left behind on every occasion. Memories are always left behind, I reasoned, and what a precious thing good memories are to us. I thought how each item left behind reminded me of the person it belonged to and the story surrounding it. The insides of the turkey fryer that was left behind reminded me of the delicious Thanksgiving meal that we all enjoyed. The empty pie pan reminded me of Katie’s delicious pies. The angel figurine reminded me of the white elephant gift exchange game that we play every year. Even the bad memory of Rowan’s injury reminded me of how frightened I was at the sound of her cry. It is a bad memory that turned into a good one as it reminded us of how precious little Rowan is to us.

Memories happen even if we aren’t aware of it. The stressful and difficult moments often become memories that we look back on later with laughter and joy. They are the stories of the future when one day someone will say, “Remember when ... ?”, and everyone laughs.

Then, of course, there are some memories that need to be left behind. The memories of past hurts, unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger should be left behind forever. These are the things that we should never keep until the next time, mail back, or bring with us to our next visit.

Yes, I stood in the driveway and watched my grown children drive off into the distance and I remembered my own parents once doing the same thing. I never knew then that I would one day be the one waving from the driveway and feeling my heart drive off down the road. That’s because there is one more thing besides memories left behind ... and that is love.

As Elizabeth Stone said, “To have a child is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

　　他們已經(jīng)走了。

　　我站在車道上，看著我那些已長大的孩子駛遠。我凝視著那路的盡頭，直到再看不見他們的車。

　　“他們住得離我太遠了，”我自言自語道，“他們什么時候長大且為人父母的?我不是才長大，才為人父母嗎?”

　　我回到屋里，只是漫無目的地行走于各個房間里。他們才剛走，我就已經(jīng)開始想他們了，只好在屋里尋找著他們曾逗留的痕跡。地板上的枕頭是孩子們從沙發(fā)上扔下來的，一些布絨玩具動物正躺在孩子們之前玩耍的地方。

　　我對著鏡子上的小指印微笑，沒去擦?；叵肫甬?dāng)我的孩子還小時，我竭力不讓鏡子和房門沾上指印?，F(xiàn)在，我希望這些小指印都留在上面，好讓我看久一點。

　　當(dāng)我在屋里四處游走時，我撿起地上的一些物品，并把一張椅子擺正。我決定整理一下玩具箱里的玩具。而我發(fā)現(xiàn)了一只會飛的恐龍、一架動物骷髏，連弗蘭肯斯坦這個人造怪物也不知怎的就神秘地跑到那玩具箱里了。

　　我走進廚房，水池后面有一個被落下的洗瓶刷。“哈，連特莎也落下了一個東西，”我說道。噢，肯定是有人幫她刷瓶子給落下的，畢竟她只有四個月大。

　　我想知道還有什么東西落下了，”我大聲地自言自語道。我丈夫聽見了我的話，也和我一塊搜尋那些落下的東西。

　　似乎每次我們家庭聚會，他們總會落下一些東西。每次我打電話告訴我的孩子他們都落下些什么的時候，他們通常會跟我說，“噢，下次你來時給我們帶上吧。”或者“幫我留著，下次我回去再取。”又或者“嗨，我急著用，能幫我郵寄過來嗎?”

　　“噢，看!這是泰根的牙，”我邊撿起一個寫著她名字的自封袋，邊對丈夫說道。泰根先前有顆牙松了，今早她成功把它拽了下來。“現(xiàn)在，她沒法把牙放在她的枕頭下了。我想知道，如果我把它放在我的枕頭下，那傳說是否奏效。牙仙子會很困惑的!”我笑了。

　　我在屋里四處游走時發(fā)現(xiàn)了更多被落下的東西：一把牙刷、一根發(fā)帶、一個天使小雕像、一個烙餡餅用的平底鍋、一個放在冰柜里冷藏給嬰兒長牙時咬的橡皮環(huán)，最后還有一個同樣重要的炸火雞用的油炸鍋內(nèi)膽。

　　我還真的挺樂在其中的。這使我在他們走后有事可做，從而暫時擺脫對他們的思念。

　　接著，留意到水槽旁晾著的那件污點已被洗凈的嬰兒服時，我滿眼是淚。那件干凈的小衣服讓我想起了帶羅溫去急診室那件事。那次，她用好奇的小手指拉倒了一個花瓶，碎片在她頭上劃開了一道很深的口子。

　　“嗯，落下的東西……”我陷入沉思中。有一樣?xùn)|西似乎每次都會被落下，那就是記憶，我尋思道，美好的記憶對我們來說是如此珍貴。我想著,每一件落下的東西如何勾起了我對物主以及相關(guān)故事的追憶。那個火雞油炸鍋內(nèi)膽使我想起了我們都很享受的那頓美味的感恩節(jié)大餐;空空的烙餡餅用的平底鍋使我想起了卡蒂的美味餡餅;天使小雕像使我想起了我們每年都會玩的“白象禮物交換游戲”;甚至關(guān)于羅溫受傷的那段糟糕的記憶也使我想起了聽到她的哭喊聲時，我有多驚恐。這個糟糕的記憶之所以變得美好是因為它提醒了我，小羅溫對我們來說是如此珍貴。

　　即使在我們毫不知情的情況下，記憶也在生成著。當(dāng)我們回首時，我們會對那些充滿壓力和困難的過往時刻報以微笑，心生喜悅。未來的某天里，有人會問：“還記得……那個時候嗎?”這時，一個個故事又會被引出，眾人亦隨之呵呵大笑。

　　接下來，當(dāng)然，也有一些記憶需要我們放下的，一些關(guān)于過去曾遭受的傷害、心懷的怨恨、冤屈、憤怒的記憶應(yīng)該永遠放下。我們永不該把這些記憶留存至下次見面的時候，不該用以回敬他人,也不要帶到他人面前。

　　是的，我站在車道上，看著我那些已長大的孩子駛遠。我記起自己的父母也曾做著同樣的事。我從沒想過自己有一天也會在車道上向遠方揮手，感受著自己的心沿著那路駛遠。那是因為,除了留下的記憶以外，還有一樣?xùn)|西也留下了……而那就是愛。

　　正如伊麗莎白•斯通所說：“有了孩子就永遠注定你的心將游離體外。”