What did I want? And why couldn’t I know what I wanted, even when I was perfectly ready to be brutal in my admissions?
Perhaps the very least I wanted was for him to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was no less human than any other young man my age. I would have been satisfied and asked for nothing else than if he’d bent down and picked up the dignity I could so effortlessly have thrown at his feet.
 
我想要什么？為什么即使我準(zhǔn)備好了要毫無保留地坦承一切，我仍然不知道我想要什么？
或許我最不希望的，是讓他來告訴我，我沒有問題，我和其他同齡少年沒什么不同。我能夠輕易將自尊丟在他腳邊，只要他愿意彎腰撿起，我將心滿意足而別無所求。
 
I was Glaucus and he was Diomedes14. In the name of some obscure cult among men, I was giving him my golden armor for his bronze. Fair exchange. Neither haggled, just as neither spoke of thrift or extravagance.
The word “friendship” came to mind. But friendship, as defined by everyone, was alien, fallow stuff I cared nothing for. What I may have wanted instead, from the moment he stepped out of the cab to our farewell in Rome, was what all humans ask of one another, what makes life livable. It would have to come from him first. Then possibly from me.
 
我是格勞克斯，而他是戴奧米底斯。以男人之間某種莫名的崇拜為名我拿我的黃金盔甲換他的青銅盔甲。公平交易。雙方都不討價(jià)還價(jià)，就像雙方都不提儉樸或鋪張。
“友誼”這個(gè)字眼在心底浮現(xiàn)。但眾人定義的友誼，是一種陌生的、不活躍的、我毫不在意的東西。相反地，從他走下出租車直到我們?cè)诹_馬告別，我想要的可能是所有人類對(duì)彼此的要求，那種讓人生值得一活的東西。但必須由他先主動(dòng)，然后我才可能付出。
 
There is a law somewhere that says that when one person is thoroughly smitten with the other, the other must unavoidably be smitten as well. Amor ch’a null’amato amar perdona. Love, which exempts no one who’s loved from loving, Francesca’s15 words in the Inferno16. Just wait and be hopeful. I was hopeful, though perhaps this was what I had wanted all along. To wait forever.
As I sat there working on transcriptions at my round table in the morning, what I would have settled for was not his friendship, not anything. Just to look up and find him there, suntan lotion, straw hat, red bathing suit, lemonade. To look up and find you there, Oliver. For the day will come soon enough when I’ll look up and you’ll no longer be there.
 
我記得在哪兒聽過一個(gè)法則：當(dāng)?A?完全迷戀?B?的時(shí)候，B?必定無可避免地也愛上了?A。Amor ch'a null'amato amar perdona. “愛，讓每一個(gè)被愛的人無可豁免地也要去愛”——這是弗蘭西斯卡在《地獄篇》里說的話。耐心等待并充滿希望。我抱著希望，永遠(yuǎn)等待——或許這才正是我一直想要的。
早上我坐在圓桌那兒改編樂曲的時(shí)候，我原本所滿足于的不是他的友誼，不是任何東西。只是想抬起頭確認(rèn)他在那兒，和他的防曬霜、草帽、紅色泳褲、檸檬茶一起，在那兒。為了一抬頭，就看見你在那兒，奧利弗。因?yàn)槲姨痤^來卻看不見你的那一天，很快，很快就要到來。

《請(qǐng)以你的名字呼喚我》