雙語讀劇：Call me by ...（一）37: 我希望他離開我們家

His Esco, I realized soon enough, was just another version of Later! A summary and unconditional goodbye, spoken not as you were leaving, but after you were out the door. You said it with your back to those you were leaving behind. I felt sorry for those on the receiving end who wished to appeal, to plead.
 
我很快就知道他的?Esco?只是另一個版本的“回頭再說”。簡明扼要、沒得商量的告別，不在離開前說出口，而是踏出門檻外才說。你背對著被你留在身后的那些人說。我為那些站在接受那一端，想要抗辯或懇求的人感到難過。
 
Not knowing whether he’d show up at the dinner table was torture. But bearable. Not daring to ask whether he’d be there was the real ordeal. Having my heart jump when I suddenly heard his voice or saw him seated at his seat when I’d almost given up hoping he’d be among us tonight eventually blossomed like a poisoned flower. Seeing him and thinking he’d join us for dinner tonight only to hear his peremptory Esco taught me there are certain wishes that must be clipped like wings off a thriving butterfly.
 
不確定他是否會跟我們一起吃晚餐，是一種折磨，卻是可忍受的。不敢問他會不會來，才是真正的酷刑。有時候我?guī)缀醴艞壛?，覺得他當晚不跟我們吃晚餐，卻聽見他的聲音或看見他坐在他的位子上時，我的心會猛然一跳，就像一朵有毒的花朵忽地綻放?？匆娝詾樗裢頃黄鸪酝聿?，最終卻聽到他一句專橫的?Esco，則讓我體會到，總有一些愿望會落空，就像翩翩飛舞的蝴蝶被剪掉了翅膀。
 
I wanted him gone from our home so as to be done with him.
 我希望他離開我們家，好讓這一切有個了斷。

I wanted him dead too, so that if I couldn’t stop thinking about him and worrying about when would be the next time I’d see him, at least his death would put an end to it. I wanted to kill him myself, even, so as to let him know how much his mere existence had come to bother me, how unbearable his ease with everything and everyone, taking all things in stride, his tireless I’m-okay-with-this-and-that, his springing across the gate to the beach when everyone else opened the latch first, to say nothing of his bathing suits, his spot in paradise, his cheeky Later!, his lip-smacking love for apricot juice. If I didn’t kill him, then I’d cripple him for life, so that he’d be with us in a wheelchair and never go back to the States. If he were in a wheelchair, I would always know where he was, and he’d be easy to find. I would feel superior to him and become his master, now that he was crippled.
 
我也希望他死掉，這么一來，如果我控制不住想他，控制不住地擔心下次不知何時才能見到他，至少他的死足以了結(jié)這一切。我甚至想親手殺了他，好讓他知道，僅僅他的存在本身對我而言是多大的困擾；他的隨遇而安，如魚得水，永遠表現(xiàn)出“我不在意這、不在意那”的態(tài)度，其他人都要先打開門走出去，他卻直接跳過通往海邊的柵門——這一切都多么讓人受不了！更別提他的泳褲、他在“天堂”的位子，他蠻橫無禮的“回頭再說”，還有對杏汁的咂嘴之愛。如果我不殺他，那我要讓他終生殘廢，這樣他會坐在輪椅上和我們待在一起，永遠不回美國。如果他坐輪椅，我就隨時知道他的行蹤，也很容易找到他。我就會有優(yōu)越感；既然他瘸了，我就是他的主人。