雙語讀劇：Call me by ...（一）39:事實上，我喜歡看他們共舞

I was watching. I dreaded losing him to her. Dreaded losing her to him too. Yet thinking of them together did not dismay me. It made me hard, even though I didn’t know if what aroused me was her naked body lying in the sun, his next to hers, or both of theirs together. From where I stood against the balustrade along the garden overlooking the bluff, I would strain my eyes and finally catch sight of them lying in the sun next to one another, probably necking, she occasionally dropping a thigh on top of his, until minutes later he did the same. They hadn’t removed their suits. I took comfort in that, but when later one night I saw them dancing, something told me that these were not the moves of people who’d stopped at heavy petting.
 
我就這么看著，怕奇亞拉搶走奧利弗，也怕奧利弗搶走奇亞拉。想到他們倆在一起，我并不灰心沮喪，反而情欲高漲，雖然我不知道激起性欲的是奇亞拉躺在太陽下的胴體，還是奧利弗躺在奇亞拉旁邊的裸體，或兩人的裸體。我在高聳于懸崖上的花園憑欄佇立，睜大眼睛仔細瞧，總算看到他們倆并排躺在陽光下，說不定正在親熱。有時候奇亞拉把大腿搭在他腿上，過一會兒他也會做同樣的動作。他們沒有寬衣解帶，我因此感到安慰。后來有天晚上，我看見他們在跳舞，有些東西讓我感覺到那并非僅止于相互親吻和愛撫關系的人會有的舉動。
 
Actually, I liked watching them dance together. Perhaps seeing him dance this way with someone made me realize that he was taken now, that there was no reason to hope. And this was a good thing. It would help my recovery. Perhaps thinking this way was already a sign that recovery was well under way. I had grazed the forbidden zone and been let off easily enough.
 
事實上，我喜歡看他們共舞?；蛟S看他和別人這樣跳舞，讓我明白他已有所屬，沒有理由再抱希望。這是好事，幫助我復原?；蛟S我能這么想已經是正在復原的癥狀。我曾經誤人禁區(qū)，而且被輕易放過。
 
But when my heart jolted the next morning when I saw him at our usual spot in the garden, I knew that wishing them my best and longing for recovery had nothing to do with what I still wanted from him.
Did his heart jolt when he saw me walk into a room?
I doubted it.
 
但是第二天早上，看他出現(xiàn)在花園里那個老地方，我的心又是猛然一顫，我知道祝福他們、渴望復原，與我對他仍然抱有的渴望無關。
看我走進房間，他的心會猛然一顫嗎？
我懷疑。