快性，慢愛(ài)：為什么千禧一代越來(lái)越晚結(jié)婚？

The millennial generation’s breezy approach to sexual intimacy helped give rise to apps like Tinder and made phrases like “hooking up” and “friends with benefits” part of the lexicon.

千禧一代對(duì)待性親密的輕松態(tài)度助長(zhǎng)了Tinder這些應(yīng)用的出現(xiàn)，也造就了“勾搭”和“炮友”之類的詞匯。

But when it comes to serious lifelong relationships, new research suggests, millennials proceed with caution.

但新的研究表明，涉及到會(huì)持續(xù)終身的嚴(yán)肅關(guān)系時(shí)，千禧一代會(huì)謹(jǐn)慎行事。

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who studies romance and a consultant to the dating site Match.com, has come up with the phrase “fast sex, slow love” to describe the juxtaposition of casual sexual liaisons and long-simmering committed relationships.

研究愛(ài)情的人類學(xué)家、約會(huì)網(wǎng)站Match.com顧問(wèn)海倫·費(fèi)舍爾(Helen Fisher)提出了“快性，慢愛(ài)”這一說(shuō)法，用來(lái)描述隨便的性關(guān)系和慢慢積累的忠誠(chéng)關(guān)系的并列。

Young adults are not only marrying and having children later in life than previous generations, but taking more time to get to know each other before they tie the knot. Indeed, some spend the better part of a decade as friends or romantic partners before marrying, according to new research by eHarmony, another online dating site.

年輕人不止比上一代人更晚結(jié)婚生子，還會(huì)在結(jié)婚之前花更多的時(shí)間相互了解。事實(shí)上，根據(jù)另一個(gè)在線約會(huì)網(wǎng)站eHarmony的新研究，有些人在結(jié)婚前還會(huì)花上十年的時(shí)間以朋友或情人的身份相處。

The eHarmony report on relationships found that American couples aged 25 to 34 knew each other for an average of six and a half years before marrying, compared with an average of five years for all other age groups.

eHarmony網(wǎng)站的感情報(bào)告發(fā)現(xiàn)，年齡在25到34歲的美國(guó)夫婦在婚前的相識(shí)時(shí)間平均為六年半，相較而言，其他年齡組平均為五年。

The report was based on online interviews with 2,084 adults who were either married or in long-term relationships, and was conducted by Harris Interactive. The sample was demographically representative of the United States for age, gender and geographic region, though it was not nationally representative for other factors like income, so its findings are limited. But experts said the results accurately reflect the consistent trend toward later marriages documented by national census figures.

這份報(bào)告基于對(duì)2084名已婚或處在長(zhǎng)期關(guān)系的成人的線上采訪，采訪由哈里斯互動(dòng)公司(Harris Interactive)進(jìn)行。該樣本在人口統(tǒng)計(jì)學(xué)上代表了美國(guó)的年齡、性別和地理區(qū)域，但在收入等其他因素上不能代表全國(guó)，因此研究結(jié)果仍有局限。但專家表示，結(jié)果準(zhǔn)確地反映了符合國(guó)家人口普查數(shù)據(jù)記錄的晚婚趨勢(shì)。

Julianne Simson, 24, and her boyfriend, Ian Donnelly, 25, are typical. They have been dating since they were in high school and have lived together in New York City since graduating from college, but are in no rush to get married.

24歲的朱莉安·西姆森(Julianne Simson)和男友伊恩·唐納利(Ian Donnelly)就是典型。他們從高中就開(kāi)始約會(huì)，大學(xué)畢業(yè)后便一起住在紐約，但并不著急結(jié)婚。

Ms. Simson said she feels “too young” to be married. “I’m still figuring out so many things,” she said. “I’ll get married when my life is more in order.”

西姆森表示，她覺(jué)得自己“還太年輕”，不適合結(jié)婚。“我還在想很多事情，”她說(shuō)。“我會(huì)在生活更有序的時(shí)候結(jié)婚。”

She has a long to-do list to get through before then, starting with the couple paying down student loans and gaining more financial security. She’d like to travel and explore different careers, and is considering law school.

在那之前，她還有一大堆事情要完成，首先，這對(duì)情侶要還清學(xué)費(fèi)貸款，獲得更多的經(jīng)濟(jì)保障。她還想去旅行，探索不同的職業(yè)，還在考慮去上法學(xué)院。

“Since marriage is a partnership, I’d like to know who I am and what I’m able to offer financially and how stable I am, before I’m committed legally to someone,” Ms. Simson said. “My mom says I’m removing all the romance from the equation, but I know there’s more to marriage than just love. If it’s just love, I’m not sure it would work.”

“既然婚姻是一種伙伴關(guān)系，所以在法律上向某個(gè)人做出承諾之前，我想弄清自己是什么樣的人，我在經(jīng)濟(jì)上能提供什么，我有多穩(wěn)定，”西姆森說(shuō)。“我媽說(shuō)我抹掉了婚姻關(guān)系中所有的浪漫，但我知道婚姻不僅是愛(ài)情。如果只有愛(ài)情，我不確定它能維持下去。”

Sociologists, psychologists and other experts who study relationships say that this practical no-nonsense attitude toward marriage has become more the norm as women have piled into the work force in recent decades. During that time, the median age of marriage has risen to 29.5 for men and 27.4 for women in 2017, up from 23 for men and 20.8 for women in 1970.

社會(huì)學(xué)家和心理學(xué)家等研究人際關(guān)系的專家表示，近幾十年來(lái)，隨著女性大量進(jìn)入職場(chǎng)，對(duì)待婚姻的這種務(wù)實(shí)、嚴(yán)肅的態(tài)度變得越來(lái)越普遍。在此期間，男性結(jié)婚年齡的中位數(shù)已從1970年的23歲上升至29.5歲，女性從20.8歲上升至27.4歲。

Both men and women now tend to want to advance their careers before settling down. Many are carrying student debt and worry about the high cost of housing.

現(xiàn)在，男人和女人都傾向于在安定下來(lái)之前先發(fā)展自己的事業(yè)。許多人背負(fù)著學(xué)費(fèi)債務(wù)，擔(dān)心著高房?jī)r(jià)。

They often say they would like to be married before starting a family, but some express ambivalence about having children. Most important, experts say, they want a strong foundation for marriage so they can get it right — and avoid divorce.

他們經(jīng)常表示，他們想先結(jié)婚，再組建家庭，但有些人對(duì)要孩子表現(xiàn)出矛盾心理。專家們稱，最重要的是，人們希望擁有牢固的婚姻基礎(chǔ)，這樣他們才能保證婚姻順利進(jìn)行，避免離婚。

“People are not postponing marriage because they care about marriage less, but because they care about marriage more,” said Benjamin Karney, a professor of social psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles.

“人們推遲結(jié)婚，不是因?yàn)樗麄兏辉诤趸橐隽?，而是因?yàn)樗麄兏诤趸橐隽耍?rdquo;加州大學(xué)洛杉磯分校(University of California, Los Angeles)的社會(huì)心理學(xué)教授本杰明·卡尼(Benjamin Karney)說(shuō)。

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins, calls these “capstone marriages.” “The capstone is the last brick you put in place to build an arch,” Dr. Cherlin said. “Marriage used to be the first step into adulthood. Now it is often the last.

約翰·霍普金斯大學(xué)(Johns Hopkins)的社會(huì)學(xué)家安德魯·謝林(Andrew Cherlin)將這種婚姻稱為“頂石婚姻”。“頂石是建拱門(mén)時(shí)安放的最后一塊磚，”謝林博士說(shuō)，“過(guò)去，婚姻是進(jìn)入成年的第一步?，F(xiàn)在，它往往是最后一步。”

“For many couples, marriage is something you do when you have the whole rest of your personal life in order. Then you bring family and friends together to celebrate.” “對(duì)很多夫妻來(lái)說(shuō)，婚姻是你把個(gè)人生活的其他方面都捋順之后才做的事。到那時(shí)，你把家人和朋友聚到一起慶祝。”

Just as childhood and adolescence are becoming more protracted in the modern era, so is courtship and the path to commitment, Dr. Fisher said.

費(fèi)舍爾表示，就像現(xiàn)代社會(huì)的童年和青春期變得更長(zhǎng)一樣，求愛(ài)和通向承諾的道路也越來(lái)越漫長(zhǎng)。

“With this long pre-commitment stage, you have time to learn a lot about yourself and how you deal with other partners. So that by the time you walk down the aisle, you know what you’ve got, and you think you can keep what you’ve got,” Dr. Fisher said.

“有了承諾前的這個(gè)漫長(zhǎng)階段，你就有時(shí)間對(duì)自身、對(duì)自己如何處理伴侶關(guān)系有更多了解。這樣，到你結(jié)婚的時(shí)候，你就知道自己有些什么，也就知道你可以保有自己的東西，”費(fèi)舍爾說(shuō)。

Most singles still yearn for a serious romantic relationship, even if these relationships often have unorthodox beginnings, she said. Nearly 70 percent of singles surveyed by Match.com recently as part of its eighth annual report on singles in America said they wanted a serious relationship.

她說(shuō)，大多數(shù)的單身青年依然渴望一段認(rèn)真的戀愛(ài)，哪怕這些關(guān)系往往會(huì)以不正規(guī)的方式開(kāi)始。Match.com調(diào)查的單身人士中，將近有70%的人表示希望能有一段認(rèn)真的感情。這是Match.com第八次美國(guó)單身人士年度報(bào)告的一個(gè)部分。

The report, released earlier this year, is based on the responses of over 5,000 people 18 and over living in the United States and was carried out by Research Now, a market research company, in collaboration with Dr. Fisher and Justin Garcia of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. As with eHarmony’s report, its findings are limited because the sample was representative for certain characteristics, like gender, age, race and region, but not for others like income or education.

在今年早些時(shí)候發(fā)布的這份報(bào)告根據(jù)的是超過(guò)5000名18歲及以上在美國(guó)生活人口的回應(yīng)，調(diào)查由市場(chǎng)調(diào)研公司Research Now與費(fèi)舍爾和印第安納大學(xué)金賽研究所的賈斯汀·加西亞(Justin Garcia)合作展開(kāi)。和eHarmony的報(bào)告一樣，它們的調(diào)查結(jié)果也有局限，因?yàn)闃颖局荒艽砟承┨卣?，如性別、年齡、種族和地區(qū)，但不能代表其他特征，如收入和教育程度。

Participants said serious relationships started one of three ways: with a first date; a friendship; or a “friends with benefits” relationship, meaning a friendship with sex. But millennials were slightly more likely than other generations to have a friendship or a friends with benefits relationship evolve into a romance or a committed relationship.

參與調(diào)查的人表示，認(rèn)真的親密關(guān)系會(huì)從以下三種方式之一開(kāi)始：初次約會(huì)、一段友誼、或是“炮友”關(guān)系——也就是有性關(guān)系的朋友。但千禧一代比其他幾代人稍微更有可能會(huì)從朋友或“炮友”關(guān)系發(fā)展為戀愛(ài)或忠誠(chéng)堅(jiān)定的親密關(guān)系。

Over half of millennials who said they had had a friends with benefits relationship said it evolved into a romantic relationship, compared with 41 percent of Gen Xers and 38 percent of baby boomers. And some 40 percent of millennials said a platonic friendship had evolved into a romantic relationship, with nearly one-third of the 40 percent saying the romantic attachment grew into a serious, committed relationship.

超過(guò)半數(shù)聲稱有過(guò)“炮友”關(guān)系的千禧一代都表示這段關(guān)系最終發(fā)展為戀愛(ài)，相比之下，X世代有41%，嬰兒潮一代有38%。有40%的千禧一代稱，柏拉圖式的友誼發(fā)展成了戀愛(ài)關(guān)系，在這40%的人中，有將近三分之一的人表示這樣的戀愛(ài)感情發(fā)展為了認(rèn)真的、忠誠(chéng)堅(jiān)定的親密關(guān)系。

Alan Kawahara, 27, and Harsha Royyuru, 26, met in the fall of 2009 when they started Syracuse University’s five-year architecture program and were thrown into the same intensive freshman design studio class that convened for four hours a day, three days a week.

27歲的艾倫·河原(Alan Kawahara)和26歲的哈莎·洛伊如(Harsha Royyuru)是在2009年的秋天認(rèn)識(shí)的，當(dāng)時(shí)他們剛剛開(kāi)始各自在雪城大學(xué)(Syracuse University)為期五年的建筑學(xué)課程，他們被分到同一個(gè)高強(qiáng)度的新生設(shè)計(jì)工作室，該課程每天需要花費(fèi)四個(gè)小時(shí)，每周三天。

They were soon part of the same close circle of friends, and though Ms. Royyuru recalls having “a pretty obvious crush on Alan right away,” they started dating only in the spring of the following year.

他們很快成了同一個(gè)親密圈子的朋友，盡管洛伊如回憶道，她“對(duì)艾倫馬上有了一種挺明顯的迷戀”，但他們到了第二年春天才開(kāi)始約會(huì)。

After graduation, when Mr. Kawahara landed a job in Boston and Ms. Royyuru found one in Kansas City, they kept the relationship going by flying back and forth between the two cities every six weeks to see each other. After two years, they were finally able to relocate to Los Angeles together.

畢業(yè)后，河原在波士頓找到了工作，而洛伊如則找了個(gè)在堪薩斯城的工作，他們每六周在兩個(gè)城市之間來(lái)回飛一次看望對(duì)方，以便維持這段感情。兩年后，他們終于共同搬到了洛杉磯。

Ms. Royyuru said that while living apart was challenging, “it was amazing for our personal growth, and for our relationship. It helped us figure out who we are as individuals.”

洛伊如表示，不住在一起是個(gè)很大的挑戰(zhàn)，“這對(duì)我們的個(gè)人成長(zhǎng)和我們的感情來(lái)說(shuō)都非常神奇。這幫助我們弄清楚了我們作為個(gè)體的身份。”

During a recent trip to London to mark their seventh anniversary together, Mr. Kawahara officially popped the question.

前不久，在兩人戀愛(ài)七周年紀(jì)念日的倫敦旅行中，河原正式求婚了。

Now they’re planning a wedding that will draw from both Ms. Royyuru’s family’s Indian traditions and Mr. Kawahara’s Japanese-American traditions. But it will take a while, the two said.

現(xiàn)在，他們?cè)诨I劃婚禮，它既會(huì)有洛伊如家族的印度傳統(tǒng)，又會(huì)有河原的日裔美籍傳統(tǒng)。但兩人說(shuō)，這得花些時(shí)間。

“I’ve been telling my parents, ‘18 months minimum,’ ” Ms. Royyuru said. “They weren’t thrilled about it, but I’ve always had an independent streak.”

“我跟父母說(shuō)，‘至少得18個(gè)月，’”洛伊如說(shuō)。“他們當(dāng)然不會(huì)為此而興奮，但我一直都有種獨(dú)立的性格。”