我是女性，我是有色人種，我就是我

Editors’ note: The actress deleted her Instagram posts this summer in response to online harassment. Here she speaks out for the first time.

編者按：由于網(wǎng)上的騷擾，這位女演員今年夏天刪除了她在Instagram上的帖子。這是在那之后她第一次公開(kāi)發(fā)表意見(jiàn)。

It wasn’t their words, it’s that I started to believe them.

問(wèn)題不是他們說(shuō)了什么，而是我開(kāi)始相信他們的話(huà)。

Their words seemed to confirm what growing up as a woman and a person of color already taught me: that I belonged in margins and spaces, valid only as a minor character in their lives and stories.

他們的話(huà)似乎確認(rèn)了我作為一個(gè)女人和有色人種在成長(zhǎng)過(guò)程已經(jīng)學(xué)到的東西：我的位子在邊緣和空白地帶，只能作為一個(gè)他們的生活和故事中的一個(gè)次要人物。

And those words awakened something deep inside me — a feeling I thought I had grown out of. The same feeling I had when at 9, I stopped speaking Vietnamese altogether because I was tired of hearing other kids mock me. Or at 17, when at dinner with my white boyfriend and his family, I ordered a meal in perfect English, to the surprise of the waitress, who exclaimed, “Wow, it’s so cute that you have an exchange student!”

這些話(huà)喚醒了我內(nèi)心深處的一種我以為已經(jīng)擺脫了的感受。當(dāng)我9歲的時(shí)候，我不再說(shuō)越南語(yǔ)，因?yàn)槲覅捑肓寺?tīng)其他孩子嘲笑我?；蛘咴?7歲的時(shí)候，我和我的白人男友以及他家人共進(jìn)晚餐的時(shí)候，我用完美的英語(yǔ)點(diǎn)餐，出乎女服務(wù)員的意料，她驚叫道：哇，你們家有個(gè)交換生，這真是太可愛(ài)了!

Their words reinforced a narrative I had heard my whole life: that I was “other,” that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t good enough, simply because I wasn’t like them. And that feeling, I realize now, was, and is, shame, a shame for the things that made me different, a shame for the culture from which I came from. And to me, the most disappointing thing was that I felt it at all.

他們的話(huà)強(qiáng)化了我一生都在聽(tīng)到的一種敘事：我是“局外人”，我不屬于這里，我不夠好，僅僅因?yàn)槲液退麄儾灰粯?。而我現(xiàn)在意識(shí)到，從過(guò)去到現(xiàn)在，那種感覺(jué)是羞恥，因?yàn)樽约旱呐c眾不同而感到的恥辱，因?yàn)槲业奈幕尘暗牟煌械降男邜u。對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，最令人失望的事情是我竟然因此感到羞恥。

Because the same society that taught some people they were heroes, saviors, inheritors of the Manifest Destiny ideal, taught me I existed only in the background of their stories, doing their nails, diagnosing their illnesses, supporting their love interests — and perhaps the most damaging — waiting for them to rescue me.

因?yàn)?，那個(gè)在告訴某些人他們是英雄、救世主，天命理想的繼承者的社會(huì)，同時(shí)也在告訴我，我只存在于他們的故事背景中，給他們做指甲，診斷他們的疾病，支持他們的愛(ài)慕對(duì)象，和——這也許是糟糕的——等待他們來(lái)拯救我。

And for a long time, I believed them.

在很長(zhǎng)一段時(shí)間里，我相信了他們。

I believed those words, those stories, carefully crafted by a society that was built to uphold the power of one type of person — one sex, one skin tone, one existence.

我相信了那些這個(gè)社會(huì)為了支持某一類(lèi)人的權(quán)力、某一種性別、某一種膚色和某一種存在而精心設(shè)計(jì)的話(huà)語(yǔ)和故事。

It reinforced within me rules that were written before I was born, rules that made my parents deem it necessary to abandon their real names and adopt American ones — Tony and Kay — so it was easier for others to pronounce, a literal erasure of culture that still has me aching to the core.

這固化了我內(nèi)心熟知的規(guī)則，那些在我出生以前就存在的規(guī)則。那些規(guī)則讓我父母認(rèn)為有必要放棄自己的真實(shí)姓名，采用美國(guó)名字——托尼和凱——使別人更容易發(fā)音。這種在文字層面上對(duì)文化的消除至今仍使我痛至肺腑。

And as much as I hate to admit it, I started blaming myself. I thought, “Oh, maybe if I was thinner” or “Maybe if I grow out my hair” and, worst of all, “Maybe if I wasn’t Asian.” For months, I went down a spiral of self-hate, into the darkest recesses of my mind, places where I tore myself apart, where I put their words above my own self-worth.

盡管我不愿承認(rèn)，我開(kāi)始自責(zé)。我想，“哦，也許如果我更瘦”，或者“也許如果我把頭發(fā)留長(zhǎng)”，最糟糕的是，“也許如果我不是亞洲人”。在幾個(gè)月的時(shí)間里，我陷入了自怨自艾的漩渦，進(jìn)入了我內(nèi)心最黑暗的角落，在那里我把自己撕裂，把他們的話(huà)置于自我價(jià)值之上。

And it was then that I realized I had been lied to.

就在那時(shí)，我意識(shí)到自己被騙了。

I had been brainwashed into believing that my existence was limited to the boundaries of another person’s approval. I had been tricked into thinking that my body was not my own, that I was beautiful only if someone else believed it, regardless of my own opinion. I had been told and retold this by everyone: by the media, by Hollywood, by companies that profited from my insecurities, manipulating me so that I would buy their clothes, their makeup, their shoes, in order to fill a void that was perpetuated by them in the first place.

我被灌輸了一種思想，認(rèn)為我的存在局限于他人認(rèn)可的邊界之內(nèi)。我上當(dāng)了，以為我的身體不屬于自己，以為只有別人相信我美麗時(shí)，我才美麗，不管我自己怎么認(rèn)為。各種外力把這種邏輯一遍又一遍地灌輸給我，除了媒體和好萊塢，還有那些從我的不安全感中獲利的公司，它們操縱我去買(mǎi)它們的衣服、它們的化妝品，它們的鞋子，以填補(bǔ)我心中本來(lái)是它們使之持久化的空缺。

Yes, I have been lied to. We all have.

是的，我被騙了。我們都被騙了。

And it was in this realization that I felt a different shame — not a shame for who I was, but a shame for the world I grew up in. And a shame for how that world treats anyone who is different.

當(dāng)我意識(shí)到這一點(diǎn)時(shí)，我感受到一種不同的恥辱——不是為我是什么樣的人而感到的恥辱，而是為我生長(zhǎng)的這個(gè)世界所感到的恥辱。為這個(gè)世界如何對(duì)待每個(gè)不同的人所感到的恥辱。

I am not the first person to have grown up this way. This is what it is to grow up as a person of color in a white-dominated world. This is what it is to be a woman in a society that has taught its daughters that we are worthy of love only if we are deemed attractive by its sons. This is the world I grew up in, but not the world I want to leave behind.

我不是第一個(gè)以這種方式長(zhǎng)大的人。這就是有色人種在白人主導(dǎo)的世界中長(zhǎng)大的方式。這就是女性在這個(gè)社會(huì)中長(zhǎng)大的方式，這個(gè)社會(huì)教導(dǎo)其女孩子們，只有在其男孩們認(rèn)為我們有吸引力時(shí)，我們才值得被人愛(ài)。我是在這樣的世界中長(zhǎng)大的，但在我離開(kāi)這個(gè)世界的時(shí)候，我不希望它仍是這個(gè)樣子。

I want to live in a world where children of color don’t spend their entire adolescence wishing to be white. I want to live in a world where women are not subjected to scrutiny for their appearance, or their actions, or their general existence. I want to live in a world where people of all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, sexual orientations, gender identities and abilities are seen as what they have always been: human beings.

我想生活在這樣一個(gè)世界里：有色人種的孩子不會(huì)在整個(gè)青春期都希望成為白人。我想生活在這樣一個(gè)世界里：女性不會(huì)因?yàn)樗齻兊耐獗怼⑺齻兊男袨?，或她們的正常存在而受到審視。我想生活在這樣一個(gè)世界里：不同種族、宗教、社會(huì)經(jīng)濟(jì)階層、性取向、性別認(rèn)同和能力的人都被視為人，因?yàn)樗麄儚膩?lái)都一直就是人。

This is the world I want to live in. And this is the world that I will continue to work toward.

這就是我想要生活的世界。這就是我將繼續(xù)為實(shí)現(xiàn)之而努力的世界。

These are the thoughts that run through my head every time I pick up a script or a screenplay or a book. I know the opportunity given to me is rare. I know that I now belong to a small group of privileged people who get to tell stories for a living, stories that are heard and seen and digested by a world that for so long has tasted only one thing. I know how important that is. And I am not giving up.

每當(dāng)我拿起一部話(huà)劇劇本、一部電影劇本、或一本書(shū)的時(shí)候，這些想法就會(huì)在我的腦海中閃過(guò)。我知道我被授予的機(jī)會(huì)很難得。我知道我現(xiàn)在屬于一小群享有特權(quán)的人，他們可以靠講故事為生，這些故事正在被一個(gè)長(zhǎng)久以來(lái)只品嘗過(guò)一種東西的世界所聽(tīng)到、看到和消化。我知道這有多重要。我不會(huì)放棄。

You might know me as Kelly.

你也許知道我的名字是凱莉。

I am the first woman of color to have a leading role in a “Star Wars” movie.

我是第一個(gè)在《星球大戰(zhàn)》中擔(dān)任主角的有色人種女性。

I am the first Asian woman to appear on the cover of Vanity Fair.

我是第一個(gè)登上《名利場(chǎng)》封面的亞洲女性。

My real name is Loan. And I am just getting started.

我的真名是洛恩(Loan)。我才剛剛開(kāi)始。