《渺小一生》:搬家那天，電梯壞了。

　 Their faith in him, in his ultimate triumph, remained unwavering, almost disconcertingly so. They were convinced—even as his own conviction was tested so many times that it was becoming difficult to self-generate it—that he would someday be an important artist, that his work would hang in major museums, that the people who hadn’t yet given him his chances didn’t properly appreciate his gift. Sometimes he believed them and allowed himself to be buoyed by their confidence. At other times he was suspicious—their opinions seemed so the complete opposite of the rest of the world’s that he wondered whether they might be condescending to him, or just crazy. Or maybe they had bad taste. How could four women’s judgment differ so profoundly from everyone else’s? Surely the odds of theirs being the correct opinion were not good.

她們相信他終有一天會(huì)成功，這念頭從未動(dòng)搖，簡直堅(jiān)定到了令人難堪的地步。她們堅(jiān)信（就連他自己的信念都受到太多次考驗(yàn)，很難堅(jiān)定不移了），他有一天會(huì)成為重要的藝術(shù)家，他的作品會(huì)掛在大博物館里，還沒給他機(jī)會(huì)的人只是不懂得賞識(shí)他的天分而已。有時(shí)他相信她們，靠她們的信心支持自己振作起來。有時(shí)候他很懷疑（她們的意見似乎跟全世界的人完全相反），因此他很好奇她們會(huì)不會(huì)只是在施舍他，或純粹就是瘋了。也或許是她們的品位太差了。四個(gè)女人的判斷怎么會(huì)跟全世界的人差這么遠(yuǎn)？她們四個(gè)人意見正確的概率當(dāng)然不太高。

　 And yet he was relieved to return every Sunday on these secret visits back home, where the food was plentiful and free, and where his grandmother would do his laundry, and where every word he spoke and every sketch he showed would be savored and murmured about approvingly. His mother’s house was a familiar land, a place where he would always be revered, where every custom and tradition felt tailored to him and his particular needs. At some point in the evening—after dinner but before dessert, while they all rested in the living room, watching television, his mother’s cat lying hotly in his lap—he would look at his women and feel something swell within him. He would think then of Malcolm, with his unsparingly intelligent father and affectionate but absentminded mother, and then of Willem, with his dead parents (JB had met them only once, over their freshman year move-out weekend, and had been surprised by how taciturn, how formal, how un-Willem they had been), and finally, of course, Jude, with his completely nonexistent parents (a mystery, there—they had known Jude for almost a decade now and still weren’t certain when or if there had ever been parents at all, only that the situation was miserable and not to be spoken of), and feel a warm, watery rush of happiness and thankfulness, as if an ocean were rising up in his chest. I’m lucky, he’d think, and then, because he was competitive and kept track of where he stood against his peers in every aspect of life, I’m the luckiest one of all. But he never thought that he didn’t deserve it, or that he should work harder to express his appreciation; his family was happy when he was happy, and so his only obligation to them was to be happy, to live exactly the life he wanted, on the terms he wanted.

但是每個(gè)星期天，他偷偷返家探望，都覺得松了一口氣。家里有豐盛的、免費(fèi)的食物，他外婆會(huì)幫他洗衣服，他講的每個(gè)字、展示的每張素描都會(huì)得到認(rèn)真的欣賞和輕聲的贊嘆。他母親的房子是一片熟悉的領(lǐng)土，在那里，他永遠(yuǎn)受到崇拜，感覺上，那里的每項(xiàng)習(xí)俗和傳統(tǒng)都是為了他和他的特殊需求量身定做的。在傍晚的某個(gè)時(shí)間，在吃過晚餐、但還沒吃甜點(diǎn)的時(shí)候，大家都在客廳里休息、看電視，他母親的貓趴在他膝上，熱乎乎的。他會(huì)看著這些女人，感覺心里脹得好滿。然后他會(huì)想到馬爾科姆，有聰明絕頂?shù)母赣H和滿懷關(guān)愛卻迷糊的母親；然后想到威廉，他的雙親都過世了（杰比只見過他們一次，是在大一結(jié)束、要搬出宿舍的那個(gè)星期，當(dāng)時(shí)他對(duì)他們的沉默、拘謹(jǐn)和不像威廉感到驚訝）；最后，當(dāng)然，他想到裘德，他的雙親根本不存在（這是個(gè)謎，他們認(rèn)識(shí)裘德到現(xiàn)在快十年了，仍不確定他父母是什么時(shí)候過世的，還是他根本從小就是孤兒，只知道狀況很悲慘，完全不能提）。然后，他會(huì)感覺到一股快樂與感激的暖流，好像胸口涌起了一片海洋。我好幸運(yùn)，他會(huì)想，因?yàn)樗芎脛?，總是要從人生的各個(gè)角度跟同輩比較，他會(huì)想，我是最幸運(yùn)的一個(gè)。但他從來不覺得自己不配，也不覺得他應(yīng)該更努力地表達(dá)自己的感激；只要他快樂，他的家人也會(huì)跟著快樂，于是他對(duì)他們唯一的義務(wù)就是要快樂，照他自己的條件，過著他想要的生活。

　 “We don’t get the families we deserve,” Willem had said once when they had been very stoned. He was, of course, speaking of Jude.

“我們都沒得到我們應(yīng)得的家庭。”威廉有一回說，當(dāng)時(shí)他們都嗑藥嗑得迷糊了。當(dāng)然，他指的是裘德。

　 “I agree,” JB had replied. And he did. None of them—not Willem, not Jude, not even Malcolm—had the families they deserved. But secretly, he made an exception for himself: He did have the family he deserved. They were wonderful, truly wonderful, and he knew it. And what’s more, he did deserve them.

“我同意。”杰比當(dāng)時(shí)回答。他的確同意。他們每個(gè)人，包括威廉、裘德，甚至馬爾科姆，都沒生在自己應(yīng)得的家庭。但私底下，他覺得自己是例外：他的家庭就是他應(yīng)得的。他的家人太棒了，真的很棒，他知道。更棒的是，他的確配得上他們。

　 “There’s my brilliant boy,” Yvette would call out whenever he walked into the house.

“我的聰明男孩回來了。”每回他踏入屋里，伊薇特就會(huì)喊道。

　 It had never had to occur to him that she was anything but completely correct.

他覺得她說得一點(diǎn)都沒錯(cuò)，從來沒有懷疑過。

　 The day of the move, the elevator broke.

搬家那天，電梯壞了。

　 “Goddammit,” Willem said. “I asked Annika about this. JB, do you have her number?”

“該死。”威廉說，“我還特地問過安妮卡的。杰比，你有沒有她的電話號(hào)碼？”

　 But JB didn’t. “Oh well,” said Willem. What good would texting Annika do, anyway? “I’m sorry, guys,” he said to everyone, “we’re going to have to take the stairs.”

但杰比沒有。“啊，好吧。”威廉說?？傊?，聯(lián)絡(luò)安妮卡又有什么用？“很抱歉了，各位。”他對(duì)每個(gè)人說，“我們得走樓梯了。”

　 No one seemed to mind. It was a beautiful late-fall day, just-cold and dry and blustery, and there were eight of them to move not very many boxes and only a few pieces of furniture—Willem and JB and Jude and Malcolm and JB’s friend Richard and Willem’s friend Carolina and two friends of the four of theirs in common who were both named Henry Young, but whom everyone called Asian Henry Young and Black Henry Young in order to distinguish them.

大家好像都不介意。這一天是美麗的深秋，天氣才剛開始轉(zhuǎn)冷，沒下雨但風(fēng)很大。他們總共有八個(gè)人，要搬的箱子不多，家具也沒幾件——威廉、杰比、裘德和馬爾科姆，加上杰比的朋友理查德、威廉的朋友卡羅萊娜，還有兩個(gè)是他們四人共同的朋友，兩個(gè)都叫亨利·楊，不過大家喊他們亞裔亨利·楊和黑亨利·楊，以此來區(qū)分。

　 Malcolm, who when you least expected it would prove himself an efficient manager, made the assignments. Jude would go up to the apartment and direct traffic and the placement of boxes. In between directing traffic, he would start unpacking the large items and breaking down the boxes. Carolina and Black Henry Young, who were both strong but short, would carry the boxes of books, since those were of a manageable size. Willem and JB and Richard would carry the furniture. And he and Asian Henry Young would take everything else. On every trip back downstairs, everyone should take down any boxes that Jude had flattened and stack them on the curb near the trash cans.

大家最不看好的馬爾科姆負(fù)責(zé)分配任務(wù)，結(jié)果他證明自己是很有效率的總管。裘德負(fù)責(zé)在樓上公寓里指揮交通，告訴大家紙箱該放在哪里。在指揮交通的空檔，他把箱里的大件物品拿出來，然后把紙箱壓扁。卡羅萊娜和黑亨利·楊都身體強(qiáng)壯，但個(gè)子較矮，負(fù)責(zé)搬較小的裝書紙箱。威廉、杰比、理查德負(fù)責(zé)搬家具。馬爾科姆和亞裔亨利·楊則負(fù)責(zé)搬剩下的東西。每回下樓時(shí)，每個(gè)人都要順便把裘德壓扁的紙箱帶下來，堆在垃圾桶旁人行道的邊緣。

　 “Do you need help?” Willem asked Jude quietly as everyone began dividing up for their assignments.

“你需要幫忙嗎？”威廉低聲問裘德，此時(shí)每個(gè)人都分頭去忙自己的任務(wù)了。

　 “No,” he said, shortly, and Willem watched him make his halting, slow-stepping way up the stairs, which were very steep and high, until he could no longer see him.

“不用了。”他簡短地說，威廉看著他一步一停，緩慢地爬上那道又陡又高的樓梯，直到看不見為止。

　 It was an easy move-in, brisk and undramatic, and after they’d all hung around for a bit, unpacking books and eating pizza, the others took off, to parties and bars, and Willem and Jude were finally left alone in their new apartment. The space was a mess, but the thought of putting things in their place was simply too tiring. And so they lingered, surprised by how dark the afternoon had grown so quickly, and that they had someplace to live, someplace in Manhattan, someplace they could afford. They had both noticed the looks of politely maintained blankness on their friends’ faces as they saw their apartment for the first time (the room with its two narrow twin beds—“Like something out of a Victorian asylum” was how Willem had described it to Jude—had gotten the most comments), but neither of them minded: it was theirs, and they had a two-year lease, and no one could take it away from them. Here, they would even be able to save a little money, and what did they need more space for, anyway? Of course, they both craved beauty, but that would have to wait. Or rather, they would have to wait for it.

這趟搬家很輕松利落，不拖泥帶水。搬完后大家又留了一會(huì)兒，一起吃披薩，同時(shí)把書從紙箱里拿出來。然后其他人就離開，去參加派對(duì)或去酒館，新家終于只剩威廉和裘德了。公寓里面亂七八糟，但光是想著要把東西歸位就讓人疲累。于是他們拖拉著，很驚訝午后的天黑得這么快，也驚訝他們竟能在曼哈頓找到住得起的地方。他們兩個(gè)都注意到，朋友們第一次看到這間公寓時(shí)都很禮貌，沒露出任何表情（那個(gè)放著兩張狹窄雙人床的房間引來最多評(píng)論——“像是從維多利亞時(shí)代的精神病院里搬出來的”，威廉之前這么形容給裘德聽），但他們兩個(gè)都不介意：這是他們的，而且他們簽了兩年租約，沒有人能奪走。住在這里，他們甚至可以存下一點(diǎn)錢，何況他們要更大的房子來干嗎？當(dāng)然，他們都渴望完美，但完美還得等一下?；蛘咴撜f，他們還得等一下。

　 They were talking, but Jude’s eyes were closed, and Willem knew—from the constant, hummingbird-flutter of his eyelids and the way his hand was curled into a fist so tight that Willem could see the ocean-green threads of his veins jumping under the back of his hand—that he was in pain. He knew from how rigid Jude was holding his legs, which were resting atop a box of books, that the pain was severe, and knew too that there was nothing he could do for him. If he said, “Jude, let me get you some aspirin,” Jude would say, “I’m fine, Willem, I don’t need anything,” and if he said, “Jude, why don’t you lie down,” Jude would say, “Willem. I’m fine. Stop worrying.” So finally, he did what they had all learned over the years to do when Jude’s legs were hurting him, which was to make some excuse, get up, and leave the room, so Jude could lie perfectly still and wait for the pain to pass without having to make conversation or expend energy pretending that everything was fine and that he was just tired, or had a cramp, or whatever feeble explanation he was able to invent.

他們在講話，但裘德的雙眼閉著。威廉知道他很痛——那有如蜂鳥撲動(dòng)翅膀般不斷顫動(dòng)的眼皮，以及他握得死緊的雙拳，緊得威廉都能看到手背底下一條條跳動(dòng)的海綠色血管。他從裘德雙腿擱在一箱書上的僵硬姿勢，知道這回的痛很劇烈，也知道自己幫不上任何忙。如果他說：“裘德，我去找點(diǎn)阿司匹林來給你。”裘德會(huì)說：“我沒事，威廉，我什么都不需要。”如果他說：“裘德，你要不要躺下來。”裘德會(huì)說：“威廉，我沒事，別擔(dān)心我了。”所以最后，他做了他們?nèi)齻€(gè)人這些年來從經(jīng)驗(yàn)中學(xué)會(huì)的，就是一碰到裘德腿痛發(fā)作，就找個(gè)借口站起來，離開房間，讓裘德可以躺著完全不動(dòng)，等待疼痛過去，免得還要陪他們講話，或是浪費(fèi)精力假裝一切沒事，說他只是累了，或抽筋了，或是他能隨口擠出的拙劣解釋。

　 In the bedroom, Willem found the garbage bag with their sheets and made up first his futon and then Jude’s (which they had bought for very little from Carolina’s soon-to-be ex-girlfriend the week before). He sorted his clothes into shirts, pants, and underwear and socks, assigning each its own cardboard box (newly emptied of books), which he shoved beneath the bed. He left Jude’s clothes alone, but then moved into the bathroom, which he cleaned and disinfected before sorting and putting away their toothpaste and soaps and razors and shampoos. Once or twice he paused in his work to creep out to the living room, where Jude remained in the same position, his eyes still closed, his hand still balled, his head turned to the side so that Willem was unable to see his expression.

在臥室里，威廉找到裝床單的垃圾袋，先把自己的日式床墊鋪好，再把裘德的床也鋪好（那是他們上周花一點(diǎn)小錢跟卡羅萊娜即將分手的女友買來的）。他把自己的衣服分成襯衫、長褲、內(nèi)褲、襪子四類，放進(jìn)不同的厚紙箱里（里面的書剛剛清空），推進(jìn)床底下。他沒動(dòng)裘德的衣服，而是進(jìn)入浴室打掃、消毒，然后把他們的牙膏、肥皂、刮胡刀和洗發(fā)水放好。中間他暫停過一兩次，偷偷溜到客廳查看，裘德還是同樣的姿勢，眼睛閉著，雙手依然握拳，頭轉(zhuǎn)向另一邊，所以威廉看不到他的表情。

　 His feelings for Jude were complicated. He loved him—that part was simple—and feared for him, and sometimes felt as much his older brother and protector as his friend. He knew that Jude would be and had been fine without him, but he sometimes saw things in Jude that disturbed him and made him feel both helpless and, paradoxically, more determined to help him (although Jude rarely asked for help of any kind). They all loved Jude, and admired him, but he often felt that Jude had let him see a little more of him—just a little—than he had shown the others, and was unsure what he was supposed to do with that knowledge.

他對(duì)裘德的感情很復(fù)雜。他愛他（這部分很簡單），同時(shí)又替他擔(dān)心，有時(shí)他覺得自己像是他的哥哥和保護(hù)者。他知道裘德以前沒有他也過得很好，以后沒有他也會(huì)過得很好，但他有時(shí)看到裘德的一些什么會(huì)很不安，覺得無助的同時(shí)，又很矛盾地更堅(jiān)定要幫他的決心（盡管裘德很少要求任何形式的幫助）。他們?nèi)紣埕玫拢残蕾p他，但威廉常常覺得，唯獨(dú)在他面前，裘德會(huì)稍微顯露多一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)的自己，只是一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)。他不確定多看到這一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)的自己又應(yīng)該怎么辦。

　 The pain in his legs, for example: as long as they had known him, they had known he had problems with his legs. It was hard not to know this, of course; he had used a cane through college, and when he had been younger—he was so young when they met him, a full two years younger than they, that he had still been growing—he had walked only with the aid of an orthopedic crutch, and had worn heavily strapped splint-like braces on his legs whose external pins, which were drilled into his bones, impaired his ability to bend his knees. But he had never complained, not once, although he had never begrudged anyone else’s complaining, either; their sophomore year, JB had slipped on some ice and fallen and broken his wrist, and they all remembered the hubbub that had followed, and JB’s theatrical moans and cries of misery, and how for a whole week after his cast was set he refused to leave the university infirmary, and had received so many visitors that the school newspaper had written a story about him. There was another guy in their dorm, a soccer player who had torn his meniscus and who kept saying that JB didn’t know what pain was, but Jude had gone to visit JB every day, just as Willem and Malcolm had, and had given him all the sympathy he had craved.

比方說，裘德的腿痛。打從認(rèn)識(shí)他以來，他們就知道他的腿有毛病。當(dāng)然，也很難不知道；他大學(xué)四年都用一根拐杖走路，而更年輕時(shí)——他們認(rèn)識(shí)他時(shí)他年紀(jì)好小，比他們整整小了兩歲，根本還在發(fā)育中——他要靠拐杖輔助才能走路，而且他雙腿穿著類似夾板的沉重?fù)渭?，上頭的釘子鉆進(jìn)他的骨頭里，削弱了他彎曲膝蓋的能力。但他從來不抱怨，一次都沒有，碰到其他人抱怨時(shí)，他也從來沒有不滿。他們大二那年，杰比踩到冰滑倒了，摔斷一邊的手腕，他們都記得接下來的騷動(dòng)，還有杰比夸張的呻吟和凄慘的哀叫，打上石膏的那個(gè)星期，他都堅(jiān)持在學(xué)校的附屬醫(yī)院里住院，好多人去探病，連?？紝懥艘黄恼聢?bào)道他。他們宿舍里還有一名足球選手，踢球時(shí)撕裂了半月板，當(dāng)時(shí)他一直在說杰比根本不知道什么才叫痛，但裘德就跟威廉和馬爾科姆一樣，每天都去探望杰比，而且充分表達(dá)了同情，滿足了杰比的渴望。

　 One night shortly after JB had deigned to be discharged from the clinic and had returned to the dorm to enjoy another round of attention, Willem had woken to find the room empty. This wasn’t so unusual, really: JB was at his boyfriend’s, and Malcolm, who was taking an astronomy class at Harvard that semester, was in the lab where he now slept every Tuesday and Thursday nights. Willem himself was often elsewhere, usually in his girlfriend’s room, but she had the flu and he had stayed home that night. But Jude was always there. He had never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and he had always spent the night in their room, his presence beneath Willem’s bunk as familiar and constant as the sea.

就在杰比終于肯出院、回到宿舍享受另一輪關(guān)懷后沒多久，有天夜里威廉醒來，發(fā)現(xiàn)房間是空的。這也不算太罕見：杰比在他男朋友家，馬爾科姆那個(gè)學(xué)期在哈佛修一門天文學(xué)，每個(gè)星期二和星期四晚上都睡在那里的研究室。威廉自己也常常在別處過夜，通常是在他女朋友的房間，不過她當(dāng)時(shí)得了流行性感冒，所以他那晚就留在自己的宿舍房間里。然而裘德總是在宿舍里。他從沒交過女朋友或男朋友，而且總是在寢室過夜，他在那張雙層床下鋪的存在，就像大海般熟悉又永恒。

　 He wasn’t sure what compelled him to climb down from his bed and stand for a minute, dopily, in the center of the quiet room, looking about him as if Jude might be hanging from the ceiling like a spider. But then he noticed his crutch was gone, and he began to look for him, calling his name softly in the common room, and then, when he got no answer, leaving their suite and walking down the hall toward the communal bathroom. After the dark of their room, the bathroom was nauseously bright, its fluorescent lights emitting their faint continual sizzle, and he was so disoriented that it came as less of a surprise than it should have when he saw, in the last stall, Jude’s foot sticking out from beneath the door, the tip of his crutch beside it.

威廉不知道是什么促使他爬下床，昏昏沉沉地站在安靜的寢室中央一會(huì)兒，四下張望著，好像裘德會(huì)像蜘蛛般從天花板懸吊下來。但接著，他注意到裘德的拐杖不見了，于是開始找他，到起居室里輕聲喊他名字，結(jié)果沒人應(yīng)，他就離開他們的套房，沿著走廊去公共浴室。從他們黑暗的寢室過來，感覺那浴室亮得令人惡心，里頭的日光燈持續(xù)發(fā)出輕微的嘶嘶聲。他整個(gè)人實(shí)在太茫然了，以至于后來看到裘德的狀況時(shí)也沒那么吃驚。當(dāng)他找到最后一間淋浴間時(shí)，看到裘德的一只腳從門底下伸出來，旁邊是他拐杖的末端。