《渺小一生》:這個(gè)主意太蠢了

　 He knew that he was sulking, and he removed himself to the back of the building, letting the others talk without him. Above him, the sky was already completely dark, midnight dark. If he faced north, he could see directly beneath him the art-supply store where JB had been working part-time since quitting the magazine a month ago, and in the distance, the Empire State Building’s gaudy, graceless bulk, its tower aglow with a garish blue light that made him think of gas stations, and the long drive back to his parents’ house from Hemming’s hospital bed so many years ago.

他知道自己有點(diǎn)生氣，于是獨(dú)自走到建筑背面，避開(kāi)其他人的談話。天空已經(jīng)完全暗了，午夜的暗。如果他面向北邊，可以看到正下方那家美術(shù)用品店（杰比一個(gè)月前辭掉雜志社的工作后，就跑到這家店當(dāng)計(jì)時(shí)店員），以及遠(yuǎn)方俗艷、丑陋、巨大的帝國(guó)大廈，頂端艷麗的藍(lán)光讓他想到加油站，以及多年前從亨明的醫(yī)院開(kāi)車回他父母家的那段漫長(zhǎng)車程。

　 “Guys,” he called over to the others, “it’s cold.” He wasn’t wearing his coat; none of them were. “Let’s go.” But when he went to the door that opened into the building’s stairwell, the handle wouldn’t turn. He tried it again—it wouldn’t budge. They were locked out. “Fuck!” he shouted. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“各位，”他朝其他人喊道，“太冷了。”他沒(méi)穿大衣，其他人也沒(méi)穿，“我們回去吧?！钡堑人叩巾敇情T邊，卻轉(zhuǎn)不動(dòng)門把。他又試了一次，門把動(dòng)也不動(dòng)，他們被鎖在外頭了?！八麐尩?！”他大叫，“他媽的，他媽的，他媽的！”

　 “Jesus, Willem,” said Malcolm, startled, because Willem rarely got angry. “Jude? Do you have the key?”

“老天，威廉。”馬爾科姆說(shuō)。他很吃驚，因?yàn)橥苌偕鷼?。“裘德？你有鑰匙嗎？”

　 But Jude didn’t. “Fuck!” He couldn’t help himself. Everything felt so wrong. He couldn’t look at Jude. He blamed him, which was unfair. He blamed himself, which was more fair but which made him feel worse. “Who’s got their phone?” But idiotically, no one had his phone: they were down in the apartment, where they themselves should have been, were it not for fucking JB, and for fucking Malcolm, who so unquestioningly followed everything JB said, every stupid, half-formed idea, and for fucking Jude as well, for last night, for the past nine years, for hurting himself, for not letting himself be helped, for frightening and unnerving him, for making him feel so useless: for everything.

但裘德沒(méi)有?！八麐尩?！”威廉忍不住又罵了一聲。每件事都不對(duì)勁。他沒(méi)辦法看裘德。他怪他是不合理的，怪自己，倒是比較合理，但讓他感覺(jué)更糟?！罢l(shuí)有手機(jī)？”他們真白癡，手機(jī)居然全放在樓下公寓里。他們本來(lái)也該待在公寓里的，要不是他媽的杰比，以及他媽的馬爾科姆，總是毫不猶豫地對(duì)杰比言聽(tīng)計(jì)從，包括他說(shuō)的每句話、每個(gè)不成形的愚蠢念頭；還有他媽的裘德，要不是昨天晚上，要不是過(guò)去九年，要不是他傷害自己，不讓別人幫他，害得他驚恐又慌張，覺(jué)得自己好沒(méi)用。要不是這一切！

　 For a while they screamed; they pounded their feet on the rooftop in the hopes that someone beneath them, one of their three neighbors whom they’d still never met, might hear them. Malcolm suggested throwing something at the windows of one of the neighboring buildings, but they had nothing to throw (even their wallets were downstairs, tucked cozily into their coat pockets), and all the windows were dark besides.

他們大叫了一陣子，在屋頂上跺腳，雖然他們從沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)這棟樓的其他三戶鄰居，但希望住樓下的人聽(tīng)到他們的聲音。馬爾科姆建議朝鄰近的大樓窗子丟個(gè)什么，但他們沒(méi)有東西可丟（就連他們的皮夾都在樓下，好好地塞在大衣口袋里），何況所有的窗子都沒(méi)亮。

　 “Listen,” Jude said at last, even though the last thing Willem wanted to do was listen to Jude, “I have an idea. Lower me down to the fire escape and I’ll break in through the bedroom window.”

“聽(tīng)我說(shuō)?！濒玫伦詈蠼K于說(shuō)了，即使威廉現(xiàn)在最不想做的，就是聽(tīng)裘德講話。“我有個(gè)主意。你們把我放到防火梯上，我會(huì)打開(kāi)臥室的窗子?！?

　 The idea was so stupid that he initially couldn’t respond: it sounded like something that JB would imagine, not Jude. “No,” he said, flatly. “That’s crazy.”

這個(gè)主意太蠢了，他一開(kāi)始根本無(wú)法反應(yīng)，聽(tīng)起來(lái)像是杰比會(huì)想出的法子，而不是裘德?！安恍??！彼淅涞卣f(shuō)，“這太瘋狂了。”

　 “Why?” asked JB. “I think it’s a great plan.” The fire escape was an unreliable, ill-conceived, and mostly useless object, a rusted metal skeleton affixed to the front of the building between the fifth and third floors like a particularly ugly bit of decoration—from the roof, it was a drop of about nine feet to the landing, which ran half the width of their living room; even if they could safely get Jude down to it without triggering one of his episodes or having him break his leg, he’d have to crane over its edge in order to reach the bedroom window.

“為什么？”杰比問(wèn)，“我覺(jué)得這個(gè)計(jì)劃很棒。”這棟建筑的防火梯很不牢靠，設(shè)計(jì)欠佳，一點(diǎn)用處都沒(méi)有，生銹的金屬骨架固定在建筑正面的五樓到三樓間，像個(gè)特別丑的裝飾品。從屋頂往下大概要九英尺，才會(huì)到達(dá)防火梯頂端的平臺(tái)，平臺(tái)在他們公寓外頭，約有半個(gè)客廳那么寬。就算他們可以安全地把裘德放下去，不會(huì)引起他的疼痛發(fā)作或害他摔斷腿，他還得把身體探出平臺(tái)，才夠得到臥室的窗子。

　 “Absolutely not,” he told JB, and the two of them argued for a bit until Willem realized, with a growing sense of dismay, that it was the only possible solution. “But not Jude,” he said. “I will.”

“絕對(duì)不行?！彼嬖V杰比，他們兩個(gè)吵了一會(huì)兒，直到威廉愈發(fā)喪氣地發(fā)現(xiàn)，這是唯一可能的辦法。“可是不能讓裘德去。”他說(shuō)，“我來(lái)吧?！?

　 “You can’t.”

“不行?！濒玫抡f(shuō)。

　 “Why? We won’t need to break in through the bedroom, anyway; I’ll just go in through one of the living-room windows.” The living-room windows were barred, but one of them was missing, and Willem thought he might be able to squeeze between the remaining two bars, just. Anyway, he’d have to.

“為什么？反正我們不一定要敲破臥室的窗子，我只要從客廳的一扇窗子進(jìn)去就行了?！笨蛷d的窗子裝了鐵柵，但其中一根不見(jiàn)了。威廉覺(jué)得自己或許可以勉強(qiáng)擠進(jìn)去?？傊?，他非得擠擠看不可。

　 “I closed the windows before we came up here,” Jude admitted in a small voice, and Willem knew that meant he’d also locked them, because he locked anything that could be: doors, windows, closets. It was reflexive for him. The bedroom window’s lock was broken, however, so Jude had fashioned a mechanism—a complex, blocky thing made from bolts and wire—that he claimed secured it completely.

“我們上來(lái)之前，我把窗子關(guān)上了。”裘德小聲承認(rèn)。威廉知道這表示他也順手鎖上了窗子，因?yàn)樗騺?lái)會(huì)把能鎖的全鎖上，門、窗子、柜子。那是他的本能。不過(guò)臥室窗子的鎖壞了，所以之前裘德用螺栓和鐵絲做了一個(gè)復(fù)雜、結(jié)實(shí)的小機(jī)關(guān)，宣稱可以把窗子鎖好。

　 He had always been mystified by Jude’s hyper-preparedness, his dedication to finding disaster everywhere—he had long ago noticed Jude’s habit of, upon entering any new room or space, searching for the nearest exit and then standing close to it, which had initially been funny and then, somehow, became less so—and his equal dedication to implementing preventative measures whenever he could. One night, the two of them had been awake late in their bedroom, talking, and Jude had told him (quietly, as if he was confessing something precious) that the bedroom window’s mechanism could in fact be opened from the outside, but that he was the only one who knew how to unjam it.

他總是搞不懂裘德那種隨時(shí)隨地過(guò)度準(zhǔn)備、努力尋找各種災(zāi)難的習(xí)性，而且同樣努力做好各種預(yù)防性措施——他很早就注意到，裘德只要進(jìn)入一個(gè)陌生的房間或空間，就會(huì)習(xí)慣性地找出最接近的出口，然后站在那附近。一開(kāi)始他覺(jué)得很滑稽，后來(lái)不知怎的，就沒(méi)那么好笑了。有天晚上，他們兩個(gè)在臥室聊到很晚。裘德告訴他（很小聲，仿佛在透露某種寶貴信息），臥室的那個(gè)機(jī)關(guān)其實(shí)可以從外頭打開(kāi)，但他是唯一能破解的人。

　 “Why are you telling me this?” he’d asked.

“你為什么要告訴我？”當(dāng)時(shí)他問(wèn)。

　 “Because,” Jude had said, “I think we should get it fixed, properly.”

“因?yàn)椋濒玫抡f(shuō)，“我覺(jué)得我們應(yīng)該找人來(lái)把窗子修好?！?

　 “But if you’re the only one who knows how to open it, why does it matter?” They didn’t have extra money for a locksmith, not to come fix a problem that wasn’t a problem. They couldn’t ask the superintendent: After they had moved in, Annika had admitted that she technically wasn’t allowed to sublet the apartment, but as long as they didn’t cause any problems, she thought the landlord wouldn’t bother them. And so they tried not to cause problems: they made their own repairs, they patched their own walls, they fixed the plumbing themselves.

“但如果你是唯一有辦法破解的人，修不修也沒(méi)區(qū)別吧？”他們沒(méi)多余的錢請(qǐng)鎖匠，何況這個(gè)問(wèn)題不再是問(wèn)題了。他們不能找公寓管理員：他們搬進(jìn)來(lái)之后，安妮卡承認(rèn)，嚴(yán)格來(lái)說(shuō)，她不能把公寓轉(zhuǎn)租給他們，但只要他們不惹麻煩，她想房東應(yīng)該不會(huì)來(lái)煩他們。所以他們?cè)O(shè)法不要惹麻煩：有什么壞掉了就自己想辦法修理，墻壁也自己補(bǔ)貼了壁紙，還修好了水管。

　 “Just in case,” Jude had said. “I just want to know we’re safe.”

“只是以防萬(wàn)一，”裘德說(shuō)，“我只是想確保我們的安全?！?

　 “Jude,” he’d said. “We’re going to be safe. Nothing’s going to happen. No one’s going to break in.” And then, when Jude was silent, he sighed, gave up. “I’ll call the locksmith tomorrow,” he’d said.

“裘德，”他說(shuō)，“我們很安全。不會(huì)出什么事的。不會(huì)有人闖進(jìn)來(lái)的?！濒玫鲁聊徽Z(yǔ)，于是他嘆了口氣，投降了?！拔颐魈鞎?huì)打電話找鎖匠?！彼f(shuō)。

　 “Thank you, Willem,” Jude had said.

“謝了，威廉?！濒玫抡f(shuō)。

　 But in the end, he’d never called.

但是后來(lái)，他始終沒(méi)打那通電話。