《渺小一生》:他搖搖頭，無法跟他們解釋。

　 He lowered himself to the sofa, and Harold to the chair to his left, and Julia to the squashed suzani-covered ottoman facing him: the places they always sat, the low table between them, and he wished the moment would hold itself, for what if this was the last one he would have here, the last time he would sit in this warm dark room, with its books and tart, sweet scent of cloudy apple juice and the navy-and-scarlet Turkish carpet that had buckled itself into pleats under the coffee table, and the patch on the sofa cushion where the fabric had worn thin and he could see the white muslin skin beneath—all the things that he’d allowed to grow so dear to him, because they were Harold and Julia’s, and because he had allowed himself to think of their house as his.

他坐在沙發(fā)上，哈羅德坐在他左邊的椅子上，朱麗婭坐在他對面那張飾有中亞手工刺繡的軟凳上：他們總是坐在這樣的老位置，三人中間是一張矮幾。他真希望這一刻能凍結(jié)，因?yàn)檫@可能是他在這里的最后一刻。他最后一次坐在這個溫暖而昏暗的房間里，有好多書，還有酸甜的蘋果汁的氣味；茶幾底下是海軍藍(lán)和暗紅色相間的土耳其地毯，蜷曲得皺成一團(tuán)；沙發(fā)抱枕上有幾處被磨得很薄，都能看到底下襯的白色薄布。他曾被允許珍愛這一切，因?yàn)樗鼈兪枪_德和朱麗婭的，而他允許自己把他們的房子當(dāng)成他自己的。

　 For a while they all sipped at their drinks, and none of them looked at the other, and he tried to pretend that this was just a normal evening, although if it had been a normal evening, none of them would be so silent.

有一會兒，他們兀自喝著咖啡和茶，不看彼此，他也試著假裝這只是個尋常的夜晚。但如果這是個尋常的夜晚，他們不會這么沉默。

　 “Well,” Harold began at last, and he set his cup down on the table, readying himself. Whatever he says, he reminded himself, don’t start making excuses for yourself. Whatever he says, accept it, and thank him for everything.

“好吧?！惫_德終于開口，把杯子放在茶幾上，做好準(zhǔn)備。他提醒自己，無論哈羅德說什么，他都不要為自己找借口。無論哈羅德說什么，只要接受就好，然后謝謝他所做的一切。

　 There was another long silence. “This is hard to say,” Harold continued, and shifted his mug in his hand, and he made himself wait through Harold’s next pause. “I really did have a script prepared, didn’t I?” he asked Julia, and she nodded. “But I’m more nervous than I thought I would be.”

接下來又是一陣沉默?！斑@件事很難啟齒?！惫_德接著說，一手轉(zhuǎn)著馬克杯，他逼自己靜心熬過哈羅德的下個停頓。“我本來都準(zhǔn)備好講稿了，對不對？”他問朱麗婭，她點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，“但是我比我原先以為的還要緊張?！?

　 “I know,” she said. “But you’re doing great.”

“我知道?！敝禧悑I說，“但是你做得很好?！?

　 “Ha!” Harold replied. “It’s sweet of you to lie to me, though,” and smiled at her, and he had the sense that it was only the two of them in the room, and that for a moment, they had forgotten he was there at all. But then Harold was quiet again, trying to say what he’d say next.

“哈！”哈羅德回答，“你這樣撒謊，真是太好心了?！边€朝她微笑。此時，他感覺客廳里只有他們兩個人，一時之間，他們根本忘了他也在場。但接著哈羅德又沉默了，努力試著說出他想說的話。

　 “Jude, I’ve—we’ve—known you for almost a decade now,” Harold said at last, and he watched as Harold’s eyes moved to him and then moved away, to somewhere above Julia’s head. “And over those years, you’ve grown very dear to us; both of us. You’re our friend, of course, but we think of you as more than a friend to us; as someone more special than that.” He looked at Julia, and she nodded at him once more. “So I hope you won’t think this is too—presumptuous, I suppose—but we’ve been wondering if you might consider letting us, well, adopt you.” Now he turned to him again, and smiled. “You’d be our legal son, and our legal heir, and someday all this”—he tossed his free arm into the air in a parodic gesture of expansiveness—“will be yours, if you want it.”

“裘德，我已經(jīng)，我們已經(jīng)，認(rèn)識你快十年了?！惫_德終于說了，他看著哈羅德的雙眼轉(zhuǎn)向自己，隨即又別開，轉(zhuǎn)到朱麗婭頭部上方，“這些年來，你逐漸成為我們非常關(guān)心的人，對我們兩個都是。當(dāng)然了，你是我們的朋友，但我們覺得你對我們不只是朋友而已，而是更特別的人?！彼粗禧悑I，她再度點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，“所以我希望你不會覺得這件事太，太冒昧，但我們在想，你或許愿意考慮讓我們，呃，收養(yǎng)你?！爆F(xiàn)在哈羅德又轉(zhuǎn)向他，露出微笑，“你會成為我們法律上的兒子，也是法律上的繼承人。有一天，這一切……”他空著的那只手揮向空中，滑稽地模仿豪爽的姿勢，“都會是你的，如果你想要的話。”

　 He was silent. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t react; he couldn’t even feel his face, couldn’t sense what his expression might be, and Julia hurried in. “Jude,” she said, “if you don’t want to, for whatever reason, we understand completely. It’s a lot to ask. If you say no, it won’t change how we feel about you, right, Harold? You’ll always, always be welcome here, and we hope you’ll always be part of our lives. Honestly, Jude—we won’t be angry, and you shouldn’t feel bad.” She looked at him. “Do you want some time to think about it?”

他沒吭聲。完全講不出話來，無法回應(yīng)，他的臉頰麻痹了，不知道自己是什么表情。這時朱麗婭也匆忙補(bǔ)充：“裘德，”她說，“如果你不想，無論原因是什么，我們都完全理解。這樣的要求太過分了。如果你拒絕，也不會改變我們對你的感覺。對吧，哈羅德？你在這里永遠(yuǎn)、永遠(yuǎn)都會受到歡迎，而且我們希望你永遠(yuǎn)是我們生活中的一分子。老實(shí)說，裘德，我們不會生氣，你也不該覺得難受?！彼粗澳阈枰稽c(diǎn)時間考慮嗎？”

　 And then he could feel the numbness receding, although as if in compensation, his hands began shaking, and he grabbed one of the throw pillows and wrapped his arms around it to hide them. It took him a few tries before he was able to speak, but when he did, he couldn’t look at either of them. “I don’t need to think about it,” he said, and his voice sounded strange and thin to him. “Harold, Julia—are you kidding? There’s nothing—nothing—I’ve ever wanted more. My whole life. I just never thought—” He stopped; he was speaking in fragments. For a minute they were all quiet, and he was finally able to look at both of them. “I thought you were going to tell me you didn’t want to be friends anymore.”

這時，他才感覺到麻痹消退了。好像出于補(bǔ)償似的，他的雙手開始發(fā)抖，他便抓了一個抱枕用雙臂抱住，好掩飾自己的顫抖。他試了好幾次，才有辦法開口?？墒钦f話的時候卻無法直視他們?nèi)魏我粋€?！拔也槐乜紤]?！彼f，覺得自己的聲音聽起來奇怪又虛弱，“哈羅德、朱麗婭，你們在開玩笑吧？這是我這輩子最渴望的，絕對、絕對沒有任何事情比得上。我只是從沒想到……”他停下來，覺得自己的話變得破碎。一時間，三個人都沉默下來，最后他終于有辦法看他們兩個：“我還以為你們要告訴我，你們再也不想跟我當(dāng)朋友了?！?

　 “Oh, Jude,” said Julia, and Harold looked perplexed. “Why would you ever think that?” he asked.

“啊，裘德?！敝禧悑I說。哈羅德一臉困惑不解：“你怎么會這樣想？”

　 But he shook his head, unable to explain it to them.

他搖搖頭，無法跟他們解釋。

　 They were silent again, and then all of them were smiling—Julia at Harold, Harold at him, he into the pillow—unsure how to end the moment, unsure where to go next. Finally, Julia clapped her hands together and stood. “Champagne!” she said, and left the room.

他們又沉默了，然后所有人都露出笑容——朱麗婭望向哈羅德，哈羅德朝他看，他則對著懷里的抱枕，不確定該如何結(jié)束這一刻，不確定接下來該怎么辦。最后，朱麗婭兩手一拍站起來。“香檳！”她說，隨即離開客廳。

　 He and Harold stood as well and looked at each other. “Are you sure?” Harold asked him, quietly.

他和哈羅德也站起來，看著彼此?！澳愦_定嗎？”哈羅德低聲問他。

　 “I’m as sure as you are,” he answered, just as quietly. There was an uncreative and obvious joke to be made, about how much like a marriage proposal the event seemed, but he didn’t have the heart to make it.

“跟你一樣確定?！彼驳吐暬卮?，腦中浮現(xiàn)一個顯然很沒創(chuàng)意的笑話——這整件事還真像是求婚，但他實(shí)在不忍心開這玩笑。

　 “You realize you’re going to be bound to us for life,” Harold smiled, and put his hand on his shoulder, and he nodded. He hoped Harold wouldn’t say one more word, because if he did, he would cry, or vomit, or pass out, or scream, or combust. He was aware, suddenly, of how exhausted, how utterly depleted he was, as much by the past few weeks of anxiety as well as the past thirty years of craving, of wanting, of wishing so intensely even as he told himself he didn’t care, that by the time they had toasted one another and first Julia and then Harold had hugged him—the sensation of being held by Harold so unfamiliar and intimate that he had nearly squirmed—he was relieved when Harold told him to leave the damn dishes and go to bed.

“你知道，這樣你就會一輩子跟我們綁在一起了?！惫_德微笑，一手放在他肩膀上。他聽了點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，希望哈羅德一個字都別說了。要是說了，他就會哭出來、吐出來，或是暈倒、尖叫，整個人都燃燒起來。他忽然意識到自己有多疲憊、多精疲力竭，因?yàn)檫^去幾個星期的焦慮，也因?yàn)檫^去三十年那份強(qiáng)烈的渴念、期盼、奢望，即使他一直告訴自己他不在乎。等到他們?nèi)齻€向彼此舉杯，先是朱麗婭擁抱他，然后是哈羅德——被哈羅德抱住的感覺熟悉又親密，搞得他差點(diǎn)要扭動起來。哈羅德叫他別去管那些該死的盤子，趕快去睡覺，他才松了一口氣。

　 When he reached his room, he had to lie on the bed for half an hour before he could even think of retrieving his phone. He needed to feel the solidity of the bed beneath him, the silk of the cotton blanket against his cheek, the familiar yield of the mattress as he moved against it. He needed to assure himself that this was his world, and he was still in it, and that what had happened had really happened. He thought, suddenly, of a conversation he’d once had with Brother Peter, in which he’d asked the brother if he thought he’d ever be adopted, and the brother had laughed. “No,” he’d said, so decisively that he had never asked again. And although he must have been very young, he remembered, very clearly, that the brother’s dismissal had only hardened his resolve, although of course it wasn’t an outcome that was his to control in the slightest.

等他回到自己的房間，在床上躺了半小時后，才想到要去拿手機(jī)。他需要感受身子底下那張床的結(jié)實(shí)、棉被貼著臉頰的絲滑，以及他在床上挪動時床墊那種熟悉的凹陷。他需要跟自己保證這是他的世界，他還在其中，而且剛剛發(fā)生的事情是真的。忽然間，他想起自己以前跟彼得修士的一段對話。當(dāng)時他問修士他有沒有可能被收養(yǎng)，修士大笑，“不?！毙奘空f，太斬釘截鐵了，從此他再沒問過。當(dāng)時他年紀(jì)一定很小，但他清楚記得修士那堅(jiān)定不移的態(tài)度，反倒增強(qiáng)了他尋求的決心。不過當(dāng)然，這種事根本不是他能控制的。

　 He was so discombobulated that he forgot that Willem was already onstage when he called, but when Willem called him back at intermission, he was still in the same place on the bed, in the same comma-like shape, the phone still cupped beneath his palm.

他整個人迷迷糊糊的，打電話時都忘了威廉這會兒已經(jīng)在臺上了。不過威廉在幕間休息時間回電時，他還躺在床上原來的位置，處于同樣類似昏迷的狀態(tài)，手機(jī)還握在手里。

　 “Jude,” Willem breathed when he told him, and he could hear how purely happy Willem was for him. Only Willem—and Andy, and to some extent Harold—knew the outlines of how he had grown up: the monastery, the home, his time with the Douglasses. With everyone else, he tried to be evasive for as long as he could, until finally he would say that his parents had died when he was little, and that he had grown up in foster care, which usually stopped their questions. But Willem knew more of the truth, and he knew Willem knew that this was his most impossible, his most fervent desire. “Jude, that’s amazing. How do you feel?”

“裘德，”威廉喘著氣聽他說。他聽得出威廉有多么替他高興，只有威廉知道他成長過程的大致狀況（還有安迪，以及哈羅德，在某種程度上）：修道院、少年之家、寄養(yǎng)的道格拉斯家。至于對其他人，他都盡可能避開不談，到最后他會說自己很小的時候父母就過世了，后來是在寄養(yǎng)家庭長大的，這樣對方通常就會停止追問。但威廉知道更多的真相，還知道被收養(yǎng)是他最不可能、卻也最熱烈的渴望?！棒玫?，這真是太好了。你有什么感覺？”

　 He tried to laugh. “Like I’m going to mess it up.”

他設(shè)法擠出笑聲：“覺得我會搞砸?！?

　 “You won’t.” They were both quiet. “I didn’t even know you could adopt someone who’s a legal adult.”

“不會的。”兩人都沉默了?！拔疫€不知道可以收養(yǎng)成年人?！蓖f。