《渺小一生》:“因?yàn)檫@是真的啊?！?/h1>

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2020年04月17日

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　 “But that’s not what I asked.”

“我問的不是這個(gè)?！?

　 “I don’t know, Willem,” he says, unable to look at Willem’s face. “I guess I just don’t think that sort of thing is for someone like me.”

“不知道，威廉，”他說，不敢看威廉的臉，“我想我只是覺得那種事情不適合我這樣的人吧?！?

　 “What does that mean?”

“什么意思？”

　 He shakes his head again, not saying anything, but Willem persists. “Because you have some health problems? Is that why?”

他又搖頭，沒說話，但威廉又逼近：“因?yàn)槟阌薪】祮栴}？就是這個(gè)原因嗎？”

　 Health problems, says something sour and sardonic inside him. Now, that’s a euphemism. But he doesn’t say this out loud. “Willem,” he pleads. “I’m begging you to stop talking about this. We’ve had such a good night. It’s our last night, and then I’m not going to see you. Can we please change the subject? Please?”

健康問題，他心里有個(gè)尖酸刻薄的聲音說，這個(gè)說法可真是婉轉(zhuǎn)啊。但是他沒說出來?！巴彼麘┣蟮?，“我求你，不要再談這些了。我們有這么美好的一晚。這是我們的最后一夜，接下來很久我都見不到你了。能不能換個(gè)話題？拜托？”

　 Willem doesn’t say anything for another block, and he thinks the moment has passed, but then Willem says, “You know, when we first started going out, Robin asked me whether you were gay or straight and I had to tell her I didn’t know.” He pauses. “She was shocked. She kept saying, ‘This is your best friend since you guys were teenagers and you don’t know?’ Philippa used to ask me about you as well. And I’d tell her the same thing I told Robin: that you’re a private person and I’ve always tried to respect your privacy.

威廉默默走了一個(gè)街區(qū)，才又開口：“你知道，我和羅賓剛開始交往時(shí)，她問我你是同性戀者還是異性戀者，我只好跟她說我不知道?！彼麜和Ｒ幌?，“她當(dāng)時(shí)很震驚，一直說：‘你們從十來歲開始就是最要好的朋友，你居然不知道？’菲莉帕以前也問過我你的事。我也只能告訴她我跟羅賓說的：你很不愿意談自己，而我向來試著尊重你的隱私。

　 “But I guess this is the kind of stuff I wish you’d tell me, Jude. Not so I can do anything with the information, but just because it gives me a better sense of who you are. I mean, maybe you’re neither. Maybe you’re both. Maybe you’re just not interested. It doesn’t make a difference to me.”

“但是我想，裘德，性傾向這類事情，我希望你能告訴我。不是因?yàn)槲铱梢阅眠@些信息做什么，只是這樣我能更了解你。我的意思是，或許你兩種都不是，或許你兩種都是，也或許你就是沒興趣。對(duì)我來說都沒有差別?！?

　 He doesn’t, he can’t say anything in response, and they walk another two blocks: Thirty-eighth Street, Thirty-seventh Street. He is conscious of his right foot dragging against the pavement the way it does when he is tired or dispirited, too tired or dispirited to make a greater effort, and is grateful that Willem is on his left, and therefore less likely to notice it.

他沒說任何話，也說不出話來。于是他們又走了兩個(gè)街區(qū)：38街、37街。他感覺到自己的右腳在人行道上拖著，知道自己太累或太沮喪時(shí)就會(huì)這樣，只因?yàn)閷?shí)在累得或沮喪得沒法更努力了。同時(shí)，他也慶幸威廉走在他左邊，不太會(huì)注意到。

　 “I worry sometimes that you’ve decided to convince yourself that you’re somehow unattractive or unlovable, and that you’ve decided that certain experiences are off-limits for you. But they’re not, Jude: anyone would be lucky to be with you,” says Willem a block later. Enough of this, he thinks; he can tell by Willem’s tone that he is building up to a longer speech and he is now actively anxious, his heart beating a funny rhythm.

“我有時(shí)很擔(dān)心，你已經(jīng)決定要說服自己，說你自己就是沒吸引力或不討人喜歡，于是判定某些經(jīng)驗(yàn)跟你絕緣。但其實(shí)不是這樣的，裘德，任何人跟你在一起，都是他們的福氣?！蓖谝粋€(gè)街區(qū)后說。夠了，他心想。從威廉的口氣，他知道往下他要談更多，于是他焦慮起來，心臟跳得很快。

　 “Willem,” he says, turning to him. “I think I’d better take a taxi after all; I’m getting tired—I’d better get to bed.”

“威廉，”他說，轉(zhuǎn)向他，“我想我們最好叫個(gè)出租車。我累了——我最好上床休息了。”

　 “Jude, come on,” says Willem, with enough impatience in his voice that he flinches. “Look, I’m sorry. But really, Jude. You can’t just leave when I’m trying to talk to you about something important.”

“裘德，拜托，”威廉說，口氣很不耐煩，讓他縮了一下，“聽我說，對(duì)不起。但是真的，裘德。我現(xiàn)在試著要跟你談一件重要的事情，你不能就這樣離開。”

　 This stops him. “You’re right,” he says. “I’m sorry. And I’m grateful, Willem, I really am. But this is just too difficult for me to discuss.”

這話讓他停了下來?！澳阏f得沒錯(cuò)?！彼f，“對(duì)不起。我很感激你，威廉，真的。但要談這件事，對(duì)我來說實(shí)在太困難了?！?

　 “Everything’s too difficult for you to discuss,” says Willem, and he flinches again. Willem sighs. “I’m sorry. I always keep thinking that someday I’m going to talk to you, really talk to you, and then I never do, because I’m afraid you’re going to shut down and then you won’t talk to me at all.” They are silent, and he is chastened, because he knows Willem is right—that is exactly what he’d do. A few years ago, Willem had tried to talk to him about his cutting. They had been walking then too, and after a certain point the conversation had become so intolerable that he had hailed a cab and frantically pulled himself in, leaving Willem standing on the sidewalk, calling his name in disbelief; he had cursed himself even as the car sped south. Willem had been furious; he had apologized; they had made up. But Willem has never initiated that conversation again, and neither has he. “But tell me this, Jude: Are you ever lonely?”

“要談任何事，對(duì)你來說都太困難了?！蓖f，他又縮了一下，威廉嘆口氣，“對(duì)不起。我老想著有一天我要跟你談，真正談開來，但始終沒談，因?yàn)槲遗履銜?huì)把自己封閉起來，然后就不跟我講話了。”兩人都不說話。他覺得很內(nèi)疚，因?yàn)樗劳f得沒錯(cuò)，他的確會(huì)這樣做。幾年前，威廉曾試著跟他談他自殘的事情。當(dāng)時(shí)他們也在走路，談到某個(gè)地步，對(duì)話忽然變得難以忍受，他就招了一輛出租車，匆忙爬上去，留下威廉站在人行道上，難以置信地喊著他的名字。車子往南飛馳的時(shí)候，他開始暗自咒罵自己。后來威廉很生氣，他也道了歉，他們就又和好了。威廉再也沒談過這類事情，他也沒有?！暗囚玫拢嬖V我一件事吧，你會(huì)覺得孤單嗎？”

　 “No,” he says, finally. A couple walks by, laughing, and he thinks of the beginning of their walk, when they too were laughing. How has he managed to ruin this night, the last time he will see Willem for months? “You don’t need to worry about me, Willem. I’ll always be fine. I’ll always be able to take care of myself.”

“不會(huì)?！弊詈笏K于說。一對(duì)伴侶走過去，大笑著。他想到他們剛開始走路時(shí)，兩個(gè)人也在大笑。他怎么會(huì)毀掉這一夜，毀掉他幾個(gè)月來最后一次見到威廉的機(jī)會(huì)？“威廉，你不必?fù)?dān)心我。我會(huì)一直好好的。我總有辦法照顧自己的?！?

　 And then Willem sighs, and sags, and looks so defeated that he feels a twist of guilt. But he is also relieved, because he senses that Willem doesn’t know how to continue the conversation, and he will soon be able to redirect him, and end the evening pleasantly, and escape. “You always say that.”

然后威廉嘆氣，整個(gè)人沮喪不已，看起來挫敗極了，讓他覺得很罪惡。但他也松了口氣，因?yàn)樗杏X到威廉不知道如何談下去，很快他就可以換個(gè)話題，愉快地結(jié)束這一晚，然后逃避?！澳憧偸沁@么說?！?

　 “Because it’s always true.”

“因?yàn)檫@是真的啊?！?

　 There is a long, long silence. They are standing in front of a Korean barbeque restaurant, and the air is dense and fragrant with steam and smoke and roasting meat. “Can I go?” he asks finally, and Willem nods. He goes to the curb and raises his arm, and a cab glides to his side.

他們又沉默了許久，站在一家韓國(guó)烤肉餐廳的門口，空氣中充滿蒸汽、煙霧和烤肉的氣味?！拔铱梢噪x開了嗎？”最后他終于問。威廉點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。他走到人行道邊緣舉起手，一輛出租車停下。

　 Willem opens the door for him and then, as he’s getting in, puts his arms around him and holds him, and he finally does the same. “I’m going to miss you,” Willem says into the back of his neck. “Are you going to take care of yourself while I’m gone?”

威廉幫他開門。他要上車時(shí)，威廉雙手擁住他不放，他也擁住威廉?！拔視?huì)想念你的?！蓖畬?duì)著他的頸背說，“我不在的時(shí)候，你會(huì)好好照顧自己?jiǎn)幔俊?

　 “Yes,” he says. “I promise.” He steps back and looks at him. “Until November, then.”

“會(huì)的。”他說，“我保證。”他退后看著他，“那就十一月見了?！?

　 Willem makes a face that’s not quite a smile. “November,” he echoes.

威廉勉強(qiáng)擠出半個(gè)微笑?！笆辉乱?。”他也說。