《渺小一生》:“慢跑怎么樣？”

　 “It’s such a strange sensation; they feel like they’re encased in cement coffins. I can’t feel where they are in space—I can’t control them. I lift one leg up and when I put it back down, I can feel in my calf that I’ve placed the foot, but I can’t feel it in the foot itself.”

“那種感覺(jué)很奇怪：好像兩腳封在水泥棺材里。我感覺(jué)不到它們的位置，也控制不了。我抬腿放下時(shí)，小腿可以感覺(jué)到我把腳放下了，但腳本身感覺(jué)不到?！?

　 “Oh, Jude,” Andy said. “It’s a sign of nerve damage.” He sighed. “The good news, besides the fact that you’ve been spared it all this time, is that it’s not going to be a permanent condition. The bad news is that I can’t tell you when it’ll end, or when it might start again. And the other bad news is that the only thing we can do—besides wait—is treat it with pain medication, which I know you won’t take.” He paused. “Jude, I know you don’t like the way they make you feel,” Andy said, “but there are some better ones on the market now than when you were twenty, or even thirty. Do you want to try? At least let me give you something mild for your face: Isn’t it killing you?”

“啊，裘德，”安迪說(shuō)，“這是神經(jīng)損傷的征兆?！彼麌@了口氣，“除了你多年來(lái)都沒(méi)有這樣過(guò)以外，好消息是，這種狀況不是永久性的。壞消息是，我沒(méi)辦法告訴你什么時(shí)候會(huì)停止，或什么時(shí)候又會(huì)開(kāi)始。另一個(gè)壞消息是，除了等待，唯一的治療方式就是止痛藥，但我知道你不想吃?！彼麜和Ｒ幌拢棒玫拢抑滥悴幌矚g止痛藥帶來(lái)的感覺(jué)，但現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)有更好的止痛藥，比三十年前、甚至二十年前都要好。你愿意試試看嗎？至少讓我給你開(kāi)一點(diǎn)輕微的止痛藥，讓你的臉好過(guò)一點(diǎn)。那樣不是很痛嗎？”

　 “It’s not so bad,” he lied. But he did accept a prescription from Andy in the end.

“其實(shí)沒(méi)那么糟。”他撒謊，但最后他還是接受了安迪開(kāi)的處方。

　 “And stay off your feet,” Andy said, after he had examined his face. “And stay off the courts, too, for god’s sake.” And, as he was leaving, “And don’t think we’re not going to discuss your cutting!” because he was cutting himself more since he had begun seeing Caleb.

“另外少用腳?！卑驳蠙z查過(guò)他的臉后說(shuō)，“還有老天在上，別去打網(wǎng)球了?！苯又谒x開(kāi)之前又說(shuō)，“別以為我會(huì)不提你的割傷！”自從跟凱萊布交往以來(lái)，他割自己割得更兇了。

　 Back on Greene Street, he parked in the short driveway preceding the building’s garage and was fitting his key into the front door when he heard someone call his name, and then saw Caleb climbing out of his car. He was in his wheelchair, and he tried to get inside quickly. But Caleb was faster than he, and grabbed the door as it was closing, and then the two of them were in the lobby again, alone.

回到格林街，他把車停在樓下車庫(kù)前的車道上，準(zhǔn)備把鑰匙插入前門時(shí)，聽(tīng)到后頭有人喊他，回頭只見(jiàn)凱萊布正要下車。他此時(shí)坐在輪椅上，只想趕緊進(jìn)去。但凱萊布的動(dòng)作比他快，趁門關(guān)上前先卡住了它，于是兩個(gè)人又單獨(dú)在大廳里。

　 “You shouldn’t be here,” he said to Caleb, at whom he couldn’t look.

“你不該來(lái)的?！彼麑?duì)凱萊布說(shuō)，不肯看他。

　 “Jude, listen,” Caleb said. “I’m so sorry. I really am. I was just—it’s been a terrible time at work, everything’s such shit there—I’d have come over earlier this week, but it’s been so bad that I couldn’t even get away—and I completely took it out on you. I’m really sorry.” He crouched beside him. “Jude. Look at me.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry.” He took his face in his hands and turned it toward him. “Your poor face,” he said quietly.

“裘德，聽(tīng)我解釋?！眲P萊布說(shuō)，“我很抱歉，真的。我那天實(shí)在……工作正好很不順，一切都爛透了，就把氣發(fā)在你身上。我本來(lái)想早點(diǎn)過(guò)來(lái)的，可是公司的狀況糟到實(shí)在走不開(kāi)。我真的很抱歉?！彼自谒赃?，“裘德，看著我?！彼麌@氣，“我真的很抱歉?！彼秒p手捧著他的臉，轉(zhuǎn)向自己，“你可憐的臉?！彼p聲說(shuō)。

　 He still can’t quite understand why he let Caleb come up that night. If he is to admit it to himself, he feels there was something inevitable, even, in a small way, a relief, about Caleb’s hitting him: all along, he had been waiting for some sort of punishment for his arrogance, for thinking he could have what everyone else has, and here—at last—it was. This is what you get, said the voice inside his head. This is what you get for pretending to be someone you know you’re not, for thinking you’re as good as other people. He remembers how JB had been so terrified of Jackson, and how he had understood his fear, how he had understood how you could get trapped by another human being, how what seemed so easy—the act of walking away from them—could feel so difficult. He feels about Caleb the way he once felt about Brother Luke: someone in whom he had, rashly, entrusted himself, someone in whom he had placed such hopes, someone he hoped could save him. But even when it became clear that they would not, even when his hopes turned rancid, he was unable to disentangle himself from them, he was unable to leave. There is a sort of symmetry to his pairing with Caleb that makes sense: they are the damaged and the damager, the sliding heap of garbage and the jackal sniffing through it. They exist only to themselves—he has met no one in Caleb’s life, and he has not introduced Caleb to anyone in his. They both know that something about what they are doing is shameful. They are bound to each other by their mutual disgust and discomfort: Caleb tolerates his body, and he tolerates Caleb’s revulsion.

他還是不太明白自己那天晚上為什么讓凱萊布上樓?；蛟S他愿意向自己承認(rèn)，他感覺(jué)凱萊布打他有種不可避免的成分，甚至讓他小小松了一口氣：他一直在等，因?yàn)樗淖源?、因?yàn)樗尤灰詾樽约嚎梢該碛衅渌怂鶕碛械?，他知道自己?huì)得到某種懲罰。然后，終于來(lái)了。這就是你得到的，他腦袋里的那個(gè)聲音說(shuō)，誰(shuí)叫你要裝成你明知道自己不是的那種人，還想著你跟其他人一樣好。他回想起之前杰比有多怕杰克遜，想起他當(dāng)時(shí)了解杰比的恐懼，了解你可以被另一個(gè)人困住，離開(kāi)那個(gè)人這么簡(jiǎn)單的動(dòng)作卻讓你感覺(jué)非常難。他對(duì)凱萊布的感覺(jué)就跟當(dāng)初對(duì)盧克修士的一樣：他輕率地把自己托付給這個(gè)人，在這個(gè)人身上寄托了那么多希望，以為這個(gè)人可以救自己。即使后來(lái)他們顯然救不了他，即使他的希望破滅，他還是沒(méi)辦法脫離他們，他就是沒(méi)有辦法離開(kāi)。他和凱萊布在一起有種合理的對(duì)稱性：他們兩個(gè)是毀壞品和摧毀者，是一山垃圾和嗅著垃圾的胡狼。他們的關(guān)系只有彼此知道——他沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)凱萊布生活中的任何人，也沒(méi)把凱萊布介紹給自己生活里的任何人。他們都明白彼此的關(guān)系有種可恥的成分，他們因?yàn)楸舜说姆锤泻筒话捕Y(jié)合：凱萊布忍受他的身體，他忍受凱萊布的嫌惡。

　 He has always known that if he wanted to be with someone, he would have to make an exchange. And Caleb, he knows, is the best he will ever be able to find. At least Caleb isn’t misshapen, isn’t a sadist. Nothing being done to him now is something that hasn’t been done to him before—he reminds himself of this again and again.

他一直知道，如果自己想跟某個(gè)人在一起，就得做出某種交換。而凱萊布，他知道，是他能找到最好的對(duì)象了。至少凱萊布并不畸形，不是施虐狂。凱萊布對(duì)他所做過(guò)的事情，沒(méi)有一樣是他以前沒(méi)碰到過(guò)的。他一再這么提醒自己，一遍又一遍。

　 One weekend at the end of September, he drives out to Caleb’s friend’s house in Bridgehampton, which Caleb is now occupying until early October. Rothko’s presentation went well, and Caleb has been more relaxed, affectionate, even. He has only hit him once more, a punch to the sternum that sent him skidding across the floor, but had apologized directly afterward. But other than that, things have been unremarkable: Caleb spends Wednesday and Thursday nights at Greene Street and then drives out to the beach on Fridays. He goes to the office early and stays late. After his success with Malpractice and Bastard, he had thought he might have a respite, even a short one, but he hasn’t—a new client, an investment firm being investigated for securities fraud, has come in, and even now, he feels guilty about skipping a Saturday at work.

九月底的一個(gè)周末，他開(kāi)車到凱萊布的朋友在漢普頓橋的別墅，凱萊布會(huì)在那里待到十月初。羅思科的春裝發(fā)布會(huì)非常順利，凱萊布比較輕松了，甚至?xí)硎娟P(guān)愛(ài)。他后來(lái)只打過(guò)他一次，對(duì)著他胸口打了一拳，打得他踉蹌后退，但凱萊布當(dāng)場(chǎng)就道歉了。除此之外，兩人的狀況好極了：周三和周四夜晚，凱萊布會(huì)在格林街過(guò)夜，然后在周五開(kāi)車去漢普頓橋。他則很早去上班，工作到很晚?！氨锥思踊斓啊钡陌缸咏Y(jié)束之后，他以為自己可以松一口氣，即使只是短暫的。結(jié)果沒(méi)有，公司又派了一個(gè)新客戶給他，是一家投資公司涉嫌證券詐欺遭到調(diào)查。即使現(xiàn)在，他還是會(huì)因?yàn)樾瞧诹还ぷ鞫械阶飷骸?

　 His guilt aside, that Saturday is perfect, and they spend most of the day outdoors, both of them working. In the evening, Caleb grills them steaks. As he does, he sings, and he stops working to listen to him, and knows that they are both happy, and that for a moment, all of their ambivalence about each other is dust, something impermanent and weightless. That night, they go to bed early, and Caleb doesn’t make him have sex, and he sleeps deeply, better than he has in weeks.

除了他的罪惡感，那個(gè)星期六很完美，他們白天大部分時(shí)間都待在室外，兩個(gè)人都在工作。傍晚凱萊布烤了牛排，邊烤邊唱歌，他停下來(lái)傾聽(tīng)，知道兩人都很快樂(lè)，一時(shí)間，他們對(duì)彼此的矛盾心理都化為煙塵，短暫而毫無(wú)重量。那一夜，他們很早就去睡覺(jué)，凱萊布沒(méi)要求做愛(ài)，他睡得很沉，是這幾個(gè)星期來(lái)睡得最好的一夜。

　 But the next morning, he can tell even before he is fully conscious that the pain in his feet is back. It had vanished, completely and unpredictably, two weeks ago, but now it’s returned, and as he stands, he can also tell it’s gotten worse: it is as if his legs end at his ankles, and his feet are simultaneously inanimate and vividly painful. To walk, he must look down at them; he needs visual confirmation that he is lifting one, and visual confirmation that he is placing it down again.

但次日早晨，還沒(méi)完全醒來(lái)，他就感覺(jué)到腳痛又回來(lái)了。兩個(gè)月前，他的腳痛忽然完全消失，但現(xiàn)在又開(kāi)始了。他站起來(lái)時(shí)，還感覺(jué)到這回的狀況更糟：好像兩腿只到腳踝為止，以下的兩只腳底板無(wú)力而感到劇痛。走路時(shí)，他得低著頭看著，確定自己抬起了一只腳，而且確實(shí)落地了。

　 He takes ten steps, but each one takes a greater and greater effort—the movement is so difficult, takes so much mental energy, that he is nauseated, and sits down again on the edge of the bed. Don’t let Caleb see you like this, he warns himself, before remembering: Caleb is out running, as he does every morning. He is alone in the house.

他走了十步，但越走越辛苦——太困難，太花心力了，他想吐，于是他又在床沿坐下。別讓凱萊布看到你這樣，他警告自己，然后才想到凱萊布出去慢跑了，這是他每天早上的習(xí)慣?，F(xiàn)在屋里只有他一個(gè)人。

　 He has some time, then. He drags himself to the bathroom on his arms and into the shower. He thinks of the spare wheelchair in his car. Surely Caleb will have no objections to him getting it, especially if he can present himself as basically healthy, and this as just a small setback, a day-long inconvenience. He was planning on driving back to the city very early the next morning, but he could leave earlier if he needs to, although he would rather not—yesterday had been so nice. Maybe today can be as well.

所以他還有一點(diǎn)時(shí)間。他用手臂把自己拖到浴室里沖澡。他想到他放在車上備用的輪椅。凱萊布一定不會(huì)反對(duì)他坐輪椅吧，尤其是如果他可以擺出很健康的模樣，這只是一個(gè)小小的倒退、只有一天的不便而已。他計(jì)劃次日清晨再開(kāi)車回市區(qū)，但如果必要的話，也可以提早離開(kāi)。他希望不要——昨天太美好了，或許今天也會(huì)很美好。

　 He is dressed and waiting on the sofa in the living room, pretending to read a brief, when Caleb returns. He can’t tell what kind of mood he’s in, but he’s generally mild after his runs, even indulgent.

凱萊布回來(lái)時(shí)，他已經(jīng)換好衣服，坐在客廳的沙發(fā)上等著，假裝在讀一份案情摘要。他看不出凱萊布心情如何，不過(guò)他慢跑完通常心情還不錯(cuò)，甚至特別寬容。

　 “I sliced some of the leftover steak,” he tells him. “Do you want me to make you eggs?”

“我切了一些剩下的牛排?！彼嬖V他，“要不要我?guī)湍慵鍌€(gè)蛋？”

　 “No, I can do it,” Caleb says.

“不必了，我自己來(lái)?！眲P萊布說(shuō)。

　 “How was your run?”

“慢跑怎么樣？”

　 “Good. Great.”

“很好，很棒?！?

　 “Caleb,” he says, trying to keep his tone light, “l(fā)isten—I’ve been having this problem with my feet; it’s just some side effects from nerve damage that comes and goes, but it makes it really difficult for me to walk. Do you mind if I get the wheelchair from my car?”

“凱萊布，”他說(shuō)，設(shè)法保持聲音輕快，“聽(tīng)我說(shuō)，我兩只腳有點(diǎn)問(wèn)題，只是神經(jīng)受損的副作用，偶爾才會(huì)出現(xiàn)，不過(guò)會(huì)讓我走路很困難。你介意我去拿車上的輪椅嗎？”