《渺小一生》:我只是怕你以后會(huì)怨恨我

　 He sighed, too. The first time Jude had met Kit, almost fifteen years ago, he’d turned to Willem afterward and said, smiling, “He’s your Andy.” And over the years, he had come to realize how true this was. Not only did Kit and Andy actually, creepily know each other—they were in the same class, and had lived in the same dorm their freshman year—but they both liked to present themselves as, to some extent, Willem’s and Jude’s creators. They were their defenders and their guardians, but they also tried, at every opportunity, to determine the shape and form of their lives.

他也嘆氣。裘德第一次見(jiàn)到基特是將近十五年前，事后他轉(zhuǎn)向威廉，微笑著說(shuō)：“他是你的安迪。”這些年來(lái)，他逐漸明白這句話再準(zhǔn)確不過(guò)了。很詭異的是，實(shí)際上，基特和安迪不光彼此認(rèn)識(shí)（他們同屆，大一時(shí)還住在同一棟宿舍），而且他們?cè)谀撤N程度上都喜歡以威廉和裘德的創(chuàng)造者自居。他們是他們的捍衛(wèi)者和守護(hù)者，但他們同時(shí)也利用每個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)，決定并塑造他們的生活。

　 “I thought you’d be a little more supportive of this, Kit,” he said, sadly.

“這件事，我還以為你會(huì)更支持一點(diǎn)呢，基特?！彼y過(guò)地說(shuō)。

　 “Why? Because I’m gay? Being a gay agent is far different than being a gay actor of your stature, Willem,” said Kit. He grunted. “Well, at least someone’s going to be happy about this. Noel”—the director of Duets—“will be fucking thrilled. This is going to be great publicity for his little project. I hope you like doing gay movies, Willem, because that’s what you might end up doing for the rest of your life.”

“為什么？因?yàn)槲沂峭詰僬?？威廉，?dāng)個(gè)同性戀者經(jīng)紀(jì)人，跟當(dāng)個(gè)你這種水平的同性戀演員，可是大不相同?！被卣f(shuō)，然后咕噥道，“好吧，至少有個(gè)人會(huì)很高興。諾爾（《二重唱》的導(dǎo)演）一定他媽的樂(lè)歪了。這對(duì)他那部小制作可是很大的宣傳。威廉，我希望你喜歡演同性戀電影，因?yàn)槟愕南掳胼呑涌赡苤粫?huì)演這類電影了?！?

　 “I don’t really think of Duets as a gay movie,” he said, and then, before Kit could roll his eyes and start lecturing him again, “and if that’s how it ends up, that’s fine.” He told Kit what he had told Jude: “I’ll always have work; don’t worry.”

“我其實(shí)不認(rèn)為《二重唱》是同性戀電影?！彼f(shuō)，然后搶在基特翻白眼、再度教訓(xùn)他之前說(shuō)，“如果最后是這樣的下場(chǎng)，也沒(méi)關(guān)系。”他把自己告訴過(guò)裘德的話告訴基特，“我永遠(yuǎn)都會(huì)有工作的，別擔(dān)心。”

　 (“But what if your film work dries up?” Jude had asked.

（“但如果你接不到電影了呢？”裘德曾問(wèn)。

　 “Then I’ll do plays. Or I’ll work in Europe: I’ve always wanted to do more work in Sweden. Jude, I promise you, I will always, always work.”

“那我就去演舞臺(tái)劇?；蛘呷W洲工作，我一直想多接瑞典那邊的工作。裘德，我跟你保證，我會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)、永遠(yuǎn)演下去的?！?

　 Jude had been silent, then. They had been lying in bed; it had been late. “Willem, I really won’t mind—not at all—if you want to keep this quiet,” he said.

裘德沉默了。當(dāng)時(shí)他們躺在床上，時(shí)間很晚了?！巴绻阆氡Ｃ艿脑?，我真的不介意——一點(diǎn)也不介意?！濒玫抡f(shuō)。

　 “But I don’t want to,” he said. He didn’t. He didn’t have the energy for it, the sense of planning for it, the endurance for it. He knew a couple of other actors—older, much more commercial than he—who actually were gay and yet were married to women, and he saw how hollow, how fabricated, their lives were. He didn’t want that life for himself: he didn’t want to step off the set and still feel he was in character. When he was home, he wanted to feel he was truly at home.

“可是我不想。”他說(shuō)。他的確不想。他沒(méi)有那個(gè)力氣，沒(méi)有那個(gè)謀劃的本領(lǐng)，也沒(méi)有那個(gè)忍耐力。他知道有幾個(gè)演員——比較年長(zhǎng)，比他更具商業(yè)性——其實(shí)是同性戀，卻跟女人結(jié)婚。他看到他們的生活有多空洞、多虛偽。他不想過(guò)那種生活，他不想在離開(kāi)拍攝現(xiàn)場(chǎng)后，還覺(jué)得自己在扮演一個(gè)角色。當(dāng)他回家時(shí)，他希望自己真正覺(jué)得是在家里。

　 “I’m just afraid you’re going to resent me,” Jude admitted, his voice low.

“我只是怕你以后會(huì)怨恨我。”裘德承認(rèn)，聲音很小。

　 “I’ll never resent you,” he promised him.)

“我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)怨恨你的。”他向裘德保證。）

　 Now, he listened to Kit’s gloomy predictions for another hour, and then, finally, when it was clear that Willem wouldn’t change his mind, Kit seemed to change his. “Willem, it’ll be fine,” he said, determinedly, as if Willem had been the one who was concerned all along. “If anyone can do this, you can. We’re going to make this work for you. It’s going to be fine.” Kit tilted his head, looking at him. “Are you guys going to get married?”

這會(huì)兒，他聽(tīng)著基特又悲觀地預(yù)測(cè)了一個(gè)小時(shí)，然后，終于，當(dāng)威廉?dāng)[明了不會(huì)再改變心意時(shí)，基特似乎也改變了心意。“威廉，一切都會(huì)沒(méi)事的?！彼麍?jiān)定地說(shuō)，仿佛之前一直擔(dān)心的人是威廉，“要是有任何人辦得到，那就是你了。我們會(huì)讓你不受影響的。一定會(huì)沒(méi)事的。”基特歪頭看著他，“你們兩個(gè)打算結(jié)婚嗎？”

　 “Jesus, Kit,” he said, “you were just trying to break us up.”

“天啊，基特，”他說(shuō)，“你剛剛還想拆散我們呢?！?

　 “No, I wasn’t, Willem. I wasn’t. I was just trying to get you to keep your mouth shut, that’s all.” He sighed again, but resignedly this time. “I hope Jude appreciates the sacrifice you’re making for him.”

“不，我沒(méi)有，威廉。我沒(méi)有。我只是想讓你瞞著別說(shuō)，如此而已?！彼謬@了口氣，但這回是認(rèn)命的嘆氣，“我希望裘德感激你為他所做的犧牲?！?

　 “It’s not a sacrifice,” he protested, and Kit cut his eyes at him. “Not now,” he said, “but it may be.”

“這不是犧牲?！彼棺h，但是基特狠狠看了他一眼。“現(xiàn)在不是，”他說(shuō)，“但以后可能會(huì)是?！?

　 Jude came home early that night. “How’d it go?” he asked Willem, looking closely at him.

裘德那天晚上提早回家。“進(jìn)行得怎么樣了？”他問(wèn)威廉，仔細(xì)看著他。

　 “Fine,” he said, staunchly. “It went fine.”

“很好，”他堅(jiān)定地說(shuō)，“進(jìn)行得很好?！?

　 “Willem—” Jude began, and he stopped him.

“威廉……”裘德才要開(kāi)口，就被他打斷。

　 “Jude,” he said, “it’s done. It’s going to be fine, I swear to you.”

“裘德，”他說(shuō)，“已經(jīng)決定了。一切都會(huì)很好的，我跟你發(fā)誓。”

　 Kit’s office managed to keep the story quiet for two weeks, and by the time the first article was published, he and Jude were on a plane to Hong Kong to see Charlie Ma, Jude’s old roommate from Hereford Street, and from there to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos. He tried not to check his messages while he was on vacation, but Kit had gotten a call from a writer at New York magazine, and so he knew there would be a story. He was in Hanoi when the piece was published: Kit forwarded it to him without comment, and he skimmed it, quickly, when Jude was in the bathroom. “Ragnarsson is on vacation and was unavailable for comment, but his representative confirmed the actor’s relationship with Jude St. Francis, a highly regarded and prominent litigator with the powerhouse firm of Rosen Pritchard and Klein and a close friend since they were roommates their freshman year of college,” he read, and “Ragnarsson is the highest-profile actor by far to ever willingly declare himself in a gay relationship,” followed, obituary-like, with a recapping of his films and various quotes from various agents and publicists congratulating him on his bravery while simultaneously predicting the almost-certain diminishment of his career, and nice quotes from actors and directors he knew promising his revelation wouldn’t change a thing, and a concluding quote from an unnamed studio executive who said that his strength had never been as a romantic lead anyway, and so he’d probably be fine. At the end of the story, there was a link to a picture of him with Jude at the opening of Richard’s show at the Whitney in September.

基特的辦公室設(shè)法把消息壓了兩個(gè)星期，第一篇報(bào)道發(fā)出來(lái)時(shí)，他和裘德已經(jīng)搭上前往香港的飛機(jī)，去找裘德在賀瑞佛街的老室友查理·馬，接下來(lái)再去越南、柬埔寨、老撾。他度假時(shí)都盡量不去看短信之類的訊息，不過(guò)基特接到《紐約》雜志一個(gè)作者打來(lái)的電話，于是他知道會(huì)有一篇報(bào)道。那篇文章刊登時(shí)，他們已經(jīng)到了河內(nèi)?；匕盐恼罗D(zhuǎn)給他們，沒(méi)有附上任何評(píng)論，他很快瀏覽了一下，當(dāng)時(shí)裘德在浴室里?！袄窦{松目前正在度假，無(wú)法取得他的回應(yīng)，但是他的經(jīng)紀(jì)人證實(shí)了拉格納松與裘德·圣弗朗西斯的戀情。圣弗朗西斯是一位評(píng)價(jià)很高的知名訴訟律師，服務(wù)于著名的羅森·普理查德律師事務(wù)所。兩人從大學(xué)一年級(jí)成為室友以來(lái)，就是非常親近的朋友。”他讀著，然后是“拉格納松是目前為止愿意公開(kāi)同性戀情的最知名的演員”。接著像是訃聞似的，列出他拍過(guò)的電影，引用各路經(jīng)紀(jì)人與公關(guān)人員對(duì)他的祝賀，贊美他的勇氣，但同時(shí)也預(yù)測(cè)他演員生涯幾乎肯定會(huì)走下坡，報(bào)道還引用了他認(rèn)識(shí)的導(dǎo)演和演員所說(shuō)的話，保證他的坦白絕對(duì)不會(huì)影響他的事業(yè)。最后引用了一位不具名的片廠高層主管的話，他說(shuō)威廉的強(qiáng)項(xiàng)從來(lái)不是愛(ài)情文藝片，因此大概不會(huì)有影響。報(bào)道最后有個(gè)網(wǎng)址，鏈接了一張他和裘德九月去惠特尼美國(guó)藝術(shù)博物館參加理查德的個(gè)展開(kāi)幕的照片。

　 When Jude came out, he handed him the phone and watched him read the article as well. “Oh, Willem,” he said, and then, later, looking stricken, “My name’s in here,” and for the first time, it occurred to him that Jude may have wanted him to keep quiet as much for his own privacy as for Willem’s.

裘德從浴室出來(lái)后，他把手機(jī)遞給他，看著他閱讀那篇文章?！鞍。??！濒玫抡f(shuō)，過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，裘德一臉懊喪的表情，“我的名字發(fā)出來(lái)了。”他才第一次想到，裘德希望他保密，可能不光是為了威廉的隱私，也是為了他自己的。