《渺小一生》:他有時(shí)很想故意弄臟東西

　 “Oh, Jude,” Willem said, and he saw that Willem was crying, silently. “Are you even happy with me?”

“啊，裘德，”威廉說(shuō)，他看到威廉默默哭了，“你跟我在一起到底快樂(lè)嗎？”

　 He felt something in him break and fall. “Willem,” he began, and then started again. “You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”

他覺得心中有個(gè)什么破掉且開始崩塌?！巴?，”他開口，頓了一下繼續(xù)說(shuō)，“你讓我很快樂(lè)，這輩子從來(lái)沒有這么快樂(lè)過(guò)?！?

　 Willem made a sound that he later realized was a laugh. “Then why are you cutting yourself so much?” he asked. “Why has it gotten so bad?”

威廉發(fā)出一個(gè)聲音，他后來(lái)才明白那是笑聲。“那為什么你還割自己割得那么兇？”他問(wèn)，“為什么狀況變得這么糟糕？”

　 “I don’t know,” he said, softly. He swallowed. “I guess I’m afraid you’re going to leave.” It wasn’t the entire story—the entire story he couldn’t say—but it was part of it.

“我不知道?！彼p聲說(shuō)，吞下口水?！拔也挛遗履銜?huì)離開我?！边@不是完整的說(shuō)法（但完整的說(shuō)法他說(shuō)不出來(lái)），只是一部分而已。

　 “Why am I going to leave?” Willem asked, and then, when he couldn’t answer, “So is this a test, then? Are you trying to see how far you can push me and whether I’ll stay with you?” He looked up, wiping his eyes. “Is that it?”

“我為什么要離開？”威廉問(wèn)，看他沒回答，“所以這是個(gè)測(cè)試了？你想看能把我推得多遠(yuǎn)，看我還會(huì)不會(huì)跟你在一起？”威廉抬起頭，擦擦眼睛，“是這樣嗎？”

　 He shook his head. “Maybe,” he said, to the marble floor. “I mean, not consciously. But—maybe. I don’t know.”

他搖頭?！盎蛟S吧?！彼皖^對(duì)著大理石地面說(shuō)，“我的意思是，不是有意識(shí)的。但——或許吧，我不知道?！?

　 Willem sighed. “I don’t know what I can say to convince you I’m not going to leave, that you don’t need to test me,” he said. They were quiet again, and then Willem took a deep breath. “Jude,” he said, “do you think you should maybe go back to the hospital for a while? Just to, I don’t know, sort things out?”

威廉嘆氣：“我不知道要說(shuō)什么，才能讓你相信我不會(huì)離開，讓你相信你不必測(cè)試我。”他說(shuō)。兩人又沉默了一會(huì)兒，威廉深吸一口氣?！棒玫?，”他說(shuō)，“你覺得你或許該回醫(yī)院一陣子嗎？我不知道，只是去把事情弄清楚？”

　 “No,” he said, his throat tightening with panic. “Willem, no—you won’t make me, will you?”

“不要，”他說(shuō)，喉嚨因?yàn)榭只哦l(fā)緊，“威廉，不要——你不會(huì)逼我吧？”

　 Willem looked at him. “No,” he said. “No, I won’t make you.” He paused. “But I wish I could.”

威廉看著他?！安唬彼f(shuō)，“不會(huì)，我不會(huì)逼你，”他暫停一下，“但我真希望我可以?！?

　 Somehow, the night ended, and somehow, the next day began. He was so tired he was tipsy, but he went to work. Their fight had never ended in any conclusive way—there were no promises extracted, there were no ultimatums given—but for the next few days, Willem didn’t speak to him. Or rather: Willem spoke, but he spoke about nothing. “Have a good day,” he’d say when he left in the morning, and “How was your day?” when he came home at night.

不知怎的，這一夜結(jié)束了。不知怎的，下一天開始了。他累得整個(gè)人有點(diǎn)恍惚，但還是去上班了。他們吵架從來(lái)沒有結(jié)論性的收?qǐng)觥獩]做任何保證，也沒發(fā)出最后通牒——但接下來(lái)幾天，威廉都沒跟他說(shuō)話。應(yīng)該說(shuō)，威廉說(shuō)了話，但等于沒說(shuō)。他早上離開時(shí)，威廉會(huì)說(shuō)：“祝你一天順利?！彼砩匣丶視r(shí)，則說(shuō)：“你今天過(guò)得怎么樣？”

　 “Fine,” he’d say. He knew Willem was wondering what to do and how he felt about the situation, and he tried to be as unobtrusive as possible in the meantime. At night they lay in bed, and where they usually talked, they were both quiet, and their silence was like a third creature in bed between them, huge and furred and ferocious when prodded.

“很好?！彼麜?huì)說(shuō)。他知道威廉在想該怎么辦，在想他對(duì)這個(gè)狀況的感覺，與此同時(shí)，他盡量試著不要打擾。夜里他躺在床上，平常兩人會(huì)交談，但現(xiàn)在都很安靜，他們的沉默像是躺在床上的第三只生物，夾在兩人之間，巨大而毛茸茸，一戳弄就會(huì)變得兇猛起來(lái)。

　 On the fourth night, he couldn’t tolerate it any longer, and after lying there for an hour or so, both of them silent, he rolled over the creature and wrapped his arms around Willem. “Willem,” he whispered, “I love you. Forgive me.” Willem didn’t answer him, but he plowed on. “I’m trying,” he told him. “I really am. I slipped up; I’ll try harder.” Willem still didn’t say anything, and he held him tighter. “Please, Willem,” he said. “I know it bothers you. Please give me another chance. Please don’t be mad at me.”

到了第四夜，他再也無(wú)法忍受了，于是兩人安靜地躺在那里約一小時(shí)后，他翻身越過(guò)了那生物，雙手抱住威廉。“威廉，”他低聲說(shuō)，“我愛你。原諒我。”威廉沒回應(yīng)，但他堅(jiān)持下去?！拔以谠嚵耍彼嬖V他，“我真的在試了。這回我失手了；我會(huì)更努力的?！蓖€是什么都沒說(shuō)。他抱得更緊。“拜托，威廉，”他說(shuō)，“我知道你很心煩。拜托再給我一次機(jī)會(huì)。拜托不要生我的氣?！?

　 He could feel Willem sigh. “I’m not mad at you, Jude,” he said. “And I know you’re trying. I just wish you didn’t have to try; I wish this weren’t something you had to fight against so hard.”

他可以感覺到威廉嘆氣?！拔覜]生你的氣，裘德，”他說(shuō)，“而且我知道你在努力嘗試。我只是真心希望你不必試；我真心希望這件事不是你必須這么努力奮戰(zhàn)去抗拒的?！?

　 Now it was his turn to be quiet. “Me too,” he said, at last.

接下來(lái)輪到他沉默了?！拔乙蚕Ｍ??！弊詈笏f(shuō)。

　 Since that night, he has tried different methods: the swimming, of course, but also baking, late at night. He makes sure there’s always flour in the kitchen, and sugar, and eggs and yeast, and as he waits for whatever’s in the oven to finish, he sits at the dining-room table working, and by the time the bread or cake or cookies (which he has Willem’s assistant send to Harold and Julia) are done, it’s almost daylight, and he slips back into bed for an hour or two of sleep before his alarm wakes him. For the rest of the day, his eyes burn with exhaustion. He knows that Willem doesn’t like his late-night baking, but he also knows he prefers it to the alternative, which is why he says nothing. Cleaning is no longer an option: since moving to Greene Street, he has had a housekeeper, a Mrs. Zhou, who now comes four times a week and is depressingly thorough, so thorough that he is sometimes tempted to dirty things up intentionally, only so he can clean them. But he knows this is silly, and so he doesn’t.

那一夜之后，他開始嘗試別的方法，游泳當(dāng)然也包括在內(nèi)，另外還有深夜烘焙。他會(huì)確定廚房里總是有面粉、糖、雞蛋、酵母，而他等著烤箱里的東西完成時(shí)，就會(huì)坐在餐桌旁工作，等到面包、蛋糕或餅干烤好了（他都請(qǐng)威廉的助理送去給哈羅德和朱麗婭），天幾乎亮了，他會(huì)溜回床上睡一兩個(gè)小時(shí)，直到鬧鐘吵醒他。接下來(lái)的白天，他的雙眼因?yàn)槠＞攵仆?。他知道威廉不喜歡他在深夜烘焙，但他也知道威廉寧可他這樣而不要去割自己，所以什么都沒說(shuō)。他現(xiàn)在沒辦法打掃了：自從搬進(jìn)格林街以來(lái)，他就雇用了管家周太太，她每星期來(lái)四次，打掃得徹底到令人沮喪，徹底到他有時(shí)很想故意弄臟東西，讓自己可以打掃。但他知道這樣太傻了，于是什么也沒做。

　 “Let’s try something,” Willem says one evening. “When you wake up and want to cut yourself, you wake me up, too, all right? Whatever time it is.” He looks at him. “Let’s try it, okay? Just humor me.”

“我們來(lái)試試別的吧?！庇刑焱砩贤f(shuō)，“你半夜醒來(lái)想割自己的時(shí)候，就把我也叫醒，好嗎？不管幾點(diǎn)?！彼粗拔覀儊?lái)試試看，好嗎？遷就我一下吧?！?

　 So he does, mostly because he is curious to see what Willem will do. One night, very late, he rubs Willem’s shoulder and when Willem opens his eyes, he apologizes to him. But Willem shakes his head, and then moves on top of him, and holds him so tightly that he finds it difficult to breathe. “You hold me back,” Willem tells him. “Pretend we’re falling and we’re clinging together from fear.”

他照辦了，主要是因?yàn)楹芎闷?，想看看威廉?huì)怎么做。有天夜里，非常晚了，他輕拍威廉的肩膀，威廉睜開眼睛時(shí)，他跟他道歉。但威廉搖搖頭，然后爬到他上方，把他抱得好緊，令他難以呼吸?！澳阋脖ё∥遥蓖嬖V他，“假裝我們?cè)谕碌簦覀兒ε碌镁o抱對(duì)方。”

　 He holds Willem so close that he can feel muscles from his back to his fingertips come alive, so close that he can feel Willem’s heart beating against his, can feel his rib cage against his, and his stomach deflating and inflating with air. “Harder,” Willem tells him, and he does until his arms grow first fatigued and then numb, until his body is sagging with tiredness, until he feels that he really is falling: first through the mattress, and then the bed frame, and then the floor itself, until he is sinking in slow motion through all the floors of the building, which yield and swallow him like jelly. Down he goes through the fifth floor, where Richard’s family is now storing stacks of Moroccan tiles, down through the fourth floor, which is empty, down through Richard and India’s apartment, and Richard’s studio, and then to the ground floor, and into the pool, and then down and down, farther and farther, past the subway tunnels, past bedrock and silt, through underground lakes and oceans of oil, through layers of fossils and shale, until he is drifting into the fire at the earth’s core. And the entire time, Willem is wrapped around him, and as they enter the fire, they aren’t burned but melted into one being, their legs and chests and arms and heads fusing into one. When he wakes the next morning, Willem is no longer on top of him but beside him, but they are still intertwined, and he feels slightly drugged, and relieved, for he has not only not cut himself but he has slept, deeply, two things he hasn’t done in months. That morning he feels fresh-scrubbed and cleansed, as if he is being given yet another opportunity to live his life correctly.

他緊擁著威廉，緊得他感覺到自己從背部到指尖的肌肉都蘇醒過(guò)來(lái)，緊得他感覺到威廉的心跳緊貼著他的，感覺到他的胸廓抵著他的，還有他的腹部隨著呼吸膨脹又消下?！案o一點(diǎn)?！蓖嬖V他，于是他抱得更緊，直到雙臂開始疲勞，然后麻痹，直到身體因?yàn)槠＞攵煽澹钡剿杏X自己真的在往下掉：首先穿過(guò)床墊，接著是床架，然后是地板，直到他慢動(dòng)作落下整棟大樓，每一層的樓面像果凍似的下陷、吞下他。他往下經(jīng)過(guò)五樓，現(xiàn)在理查德家族用來(lái)存放摩洛哥瓷磚，往下經(jīng)過(guò)四樓，現(xiàn)在是空的，往下經(jīng)過(guò)理查德和印蒂亞住的三樓，接著是二樓理查德的工作室，然后來(lái)到一樓，進(jìn)入游泳池，往下又往下，越來(lái)越遠(yuǎn)，經(jīng)過(guò)了地鐵隧道，經(jīng)過(guò)巖床和粉沙土，經(jīng)過(guò)石油在地下構(gòu)成的湖泊和海洋，經(jīng)過(guò)一層層化石和頁(yè)巖，直到他飄進(jìn)地核的大火中。從頭到尾，威廉都緊擁著他，他們進(jìn)入大火中，兩人沒有燃燒，而是融為一體，雙腿、胸部、雙臂、頭都合而為一。次日早晨他醒來(lái)時(shí)，威廉沒趴在他上方，而是在他旁邊，但他們還是彼此相擁，他覺得有點(diǎn)迷糊而且放松，因?yàn)樗恢皇菦]有割自己，還熟睡了許久，這兩件事是他好幾個(gè)月來(lái)不曾有過(guò)的。那天早上，他覺得自己被洗滌得神清氣爽，好像又得到了一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)，得以正確過(guò)著自己的人生。

　 But of course he can’t wake Willem up whenever he feels he needs him; he limits himself to once every ten days. The other six or seven bad nights in those ten-day periods he gets through on his own: swimming, baking, cooking. He needs physical work to stave off the craving—Richard has given him a key to his studio, and some nights he heads downstairs in his pajamas, where Richard has left him a task that is both helpfully, mindlessly repetitive and at the same time utterly mysterious: he sorts bird vertebrae by sizes one week, and separates a stack of gleaming and faintly greasy ferret pelts by color another. These tasks remind him of how, years ago, the four of them would spend their weekends untangling hair for JB, and he wishes he could tell Willem about them, but he can’t, of course. He has made Richard promise not to say anything to Willem either, but he knows Richard isn’t exactly comfortable with the situation—he has noticed that he is never given jobs that involve razors or scissors or paring knives, which is significant considering how much of Richard’s work demands sharp edges.

但當(dāng)然，他不能每回覺得需要威廉就叫醒他；他規(guī)定自己每十天一次。在這十天期間，其他六七個(gè)糟糕的夜晚他就靠自己撐過(guò)去：游泳、烘焙、做菜。他需要肢體活動(dòng)以趕走那種渴望。理查德給了他一把工作室的鑰匙，有些夜晚，他就穿著睡衣褲下樓，理查德會(huì)留一份既能幫助他又不必花腦力、同時(shí)充滿神秘的重復(fù)性任務(wù)給他：一個(gè)星期是按照大小整理鳥類的脊椎骨，另一個(gè)星期是把一堆發(fā)著微光、略帶油膩的雪貂毛皮按照顏色整理好。這些任務(wù)讓他想到多年前，他們四個(gè)人花了整個(gè)周末幫杰比梳整那些頭發(fā)。他真希望能告訴威廉這些事，但當(dāng)然不行。他已經(jīng)要理查德答應(yīng)不會(huì)跟威廉提，但他知道理查德對(duì)這個(gè)狀況有點(diǎn)不自在——他也注意到理查德從不派給他要用到刮胡刀片、剪刀或水果刀的工作，真的蠻明顯的，因?yàn)槔聿榈碌淖髌烦３?huì)用到這些鋒利的刀剪。

　 One night, he peers into an old coffee can that has been left out on Richard’s desk and sees that it is full of blades: small angled ones, large wedge-shaped ones, and plain rectangles of the sort he prefers. He dips his hand cautiously into the can, scoops up a loose fistful of the blades, watches them pour from his palm. He takes one of the rectangular blades and slips it into his pants pocket, but when he’s finally ready to leave for the night—so exhausted that the floor tilts beneath him—he returns it gently to the can before he goes. In those hours he is awake and prowling through the building, he sometimes feels he is a demon who has disguised himself as a human, and only at night is it safe to shed the costume he must wear by daylight, and indulge his true nature.

有天夜里，他去看理查德留在書桌上的一個(gè)舊咖啡罐，發(fā)現(xiàn)里頭裝滿了刀片：彎曲的小刀、大的楔形刀刃，還有他偏愛的一般長(zhǎng)方形刀片。他小心翼翼地把手伸到罐子里，撈出一把刀片，看著它們落回罐中。他拿了一片長(zhǎng)方形的刀片，放在褲子口袋里，但就在準(zhǔn)備離開時(shí)，他累得感覺腳下的地板都傾斜了，最后還是把刀子輕輕放回罐子里。在那幾個(gè)小時(shí)，他醒著在大樓里四處游蕩，他有時(shí)覺得自己像偽裝成人類的魔鬼，白天必須穿著人類的衣服，只有在夜里才能安全脫掉，當(dāng)真正的自己。