《渺小一生》:“那就證明給我看。”

　 “Open your mouth,” Willem says, and he feels a pill, bitter as metal, being placed on his tongue. He feels a glass of water being tipped toward his lips. “Swallow,” Willem says, and he does, and soon after, the world ceases to exist.

“嘴巴張開?！蓖f。他感覺一顆苦得像金屬的藥丸被放在舌頭上，接著是一杯水朝著他的嘴唇傾斜?！巴滔氯??！蓖f。他照做了，沒多久，他就失去了意識。

　 When he wakes, he turns and sees Willem in bed with him, staring at him. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers, but Willem doesn’t say anything. He reaches over and runs his hand through Willem’s hair. “Willem,” he says, “it wasn’t Harold’s fault. I made him do it.”

醒來時，他轉(zhuǎn)頭看到威廉躺在他旁邊，凝視著他?！皩Σ黄??！彼p聲說，但威廉什么都沒說。他伸出一只手撫著威廉的頭發(fā)?！巴?，”他說，“那不是哈羅德的錯。是我逼他陪我去的?！?

　 Willem snorts. “Obviously,” he says. “But he still shouldn’t have agreed to it.”

威廉冷哼一聲。“顯然是，”他說，“可是他不該答應(yīng)?！?

　 They are quiet for a long time, and he thinks of what he needs to say, what he has always thought but never articulated. “I know this is going to sound illogical to you,” he tells Willem, who looks back at him. “But even all these years later, I still can’t think of myself as disabled. I mean—I know I am. I know I am. I have been for twice as long as I haven’t been. It’s the only way you’ve known me: as someone who—who needs help. But I remember myself as someone who used to be able to walk whenever he wanted to, as someone who used to be able to run.

他們沉默了好久。他想到自己必須說出來，那是他總是在思索、但從來沒法清楚表達(dá)的事?！拔抑肋@件事你一定覺得很不合邏輯，”他告訴威廉，威廉也望著他，“但即使過了這么多年，我還是沒辦法把自己想成殘障。我的意思是——我知道我是。我知道我是殘障。我殘障的時間已經(jīng)是沒殘障時的兩倍了。你只知道我這個樣子：是一個——需要幫忙的人。但是我記得的自己，是隨時想走就能走、想跑就能跑的人。

　 “I think every person who becomes disabled thinks they were robbed of something. But I suppose I’ve always felt that—that if I acknowledge that I am disabled, then I’ll have conceded to Dr. Traylor, then I’ll have let Dr. Traylor determine the shape of my life. And so I pretend I’m not; I pretend I am who I was before I met him. And I know it’s not logical or practical. But mostly, I’m sorry because—because I know it’s selfish. I know my pretending has consequences for you. So—I’m going to stop.” He takes a breath, closes and opens his eyes. “I’m disabled,” he says. “I’m handicapped.” And as foolish as it is—he is forty-seven, after all; he has had thirty-two years to admit this to himself—he feels himself about to cry.

“我想每個變成殘障的人，都認(rèn)為自己被奪走了一些東西。但我猜想，我一直覺得，如果我承認(rèn)自己是個殘障，那么我就是向特雷勒醫(yī)生認(rèn)輸，讓特雷勒醫(yī)生決定我人生是什么樣子。于是我假裝自己不是殘障；假裝我還是認(rèn)識他之前的那個自己。我知道這不合邏輯也不切實際。但最重要的，我很抱歉是因為——因為我知道這樣很自私。我知道我的假裝連累了你。所以——我不會再假裝了?！彼丝跉?，閉上眼睛又張開。“我是殘障，”他說，“我是殘廢。”這很愚蠢（畢竟他都47歲了；他有三十二年可以向自己承認(rèn)，卻都沒去做），他覺得自己快哭出來了。

　 “Oh, Jude,” says Willem, and pulls him toward him. “I know you’re sorry. I know this is hard. I understand why you’ve never wanted to admit it; I do. I just worry about you; I sometimes think I care more about your being alive than you do.”

“啊，裘德，”威廉說，隨即朝他靠過去，“我知道你很抱歉。我知道這很難接受。我了解為什么你從來不想承認(rèn)；我真的了解。我只是擔(dān)心你；有時候我覺得我比你還想要保住你這條命?！?

　 He shivers, hearing this. “No, Willem,” he says. “I mean—maybe, at one point. But not now.”

聽到這里，他打了個冷戰(zhàn)?！安灰?，威廉，”他說，“我的意思是——某些時候，或許是吧。但現(xiàn)在不要?！?

　 “Then prove it to me,” Willem says, after a silence.

“那就證明給我看?！蓖聊艘粫赫f。

　 “I will,” he says.

“我會的?！彼f。

　 January; February. He is busier than he has ever been. Willem is rehearsing a play. March: Two new wounds open up, both on his right leg. Now the pain is excruciating; now he never leaves his wheelchair except to shower and go to the bathroom and dress and undress. It has been a year, more, since he has had a reprieve from the pain in his feet. And yet every morning when he wakes, he places them on the floor and is, for a second, hopeful. Maybe today he will feel better. Maybe today the pain will have abated. But he never does; it never does. And still he hopes. April: His birthday. The play’s run begins. May: Back come the night sweats, the fever, the shaking, the chills, the delirium. Back he goes to the Hotel Contractor. Back goes the catheter, this time into the left side of his chest. But there is a change this time: this time the bacteria is different; this time, he will need an antibiotic drip every eight hours, not every twenty-four. Back comes Patrizia, now two times a day: at six a.m., at Greene Street; at two p.m. at Rosen Pritchard; and at ten p.m. again at Greene Street, a night nurse, Yasmin. For the first time in their friendship, he sees only one performance of Willem’s play: his days are so segmented, so controlled by his medication, that he is simply unable to go a second time. For the first time since this cycle began a year ago, he feels himself tumbling toward despair; he feels himself giving up. He has to remind himself he must prove to Willem that he wants to remain alive, when all he really wants to do is stop. Not because he is depressed, but because he is exhausted. At the conclusion of one appointment, Andy looks at him with a strange expression and tells him that he’s not sure if he’s realized, but it’s been a month since he last cut himself, and he thinks about this. Andy is right. He has been too tired, too consumed to think about cutting.

一月跟二月：他前所未有地忙碌。威廉在排練一出舞臺劇。三月：他又多長出兩個瘡，都在右腿上?，F(xiàn)在那疼痛非常難受，他成天坐在輪椅上，只有沖澡、上廁所和更衣時除外。他兩腳的痛楚一年多來都沒有減輕。但每天早上醒來，把雙腳放在地上時，有那么一秒鐘，他都會充滿希望。或許今天他會覺得好一點。或許今天疼痛會減輕。但從來沒有；一點都沒有。不過他還是期望著。四月：他的生日。威廉的舞臺劇開始公演了。五月：夜里的冒汗、發(fā)燒、顫抖、發(fā)冷、譫妄又回來了。他又去了康垂克特酒店，被置入中央靜脈導(dǎo)管，改從左胸插入。但這回有個改變：這回的細(xì)菌不一樣；這回，他每八個小時就得打一次抗生素點滴，不是每二十四小時。帕特里齊亞又回來了，現(xiàn)在一天兩次：早上6點在格林街；下午2點在羅森·普理查德；晚上10點在格林街，夜班護(hù)士雅思敏會過來。從他和威廉認(rèn)識以來，這次的舞臺劇演出，他破天荒只看了一場。他每天的時間被切割得太破碎、被醫(yī)療控制得太嚴(yán)重了，實在沒法再去看第二次。自從去年首次開始治療周期以來，他頭一次覺得自己逐漸墜入絕望，他覺得自己開始要放棄了，同時，他還得提醒自己必須證明給威廉看，證明他想活著，但其實他只希望停止。不是因為他很沮喪，而是他筋疲力盡了。有一回去安迪那里看診，結(jié)束時，安迪用一種奇怪的表情看著他，不知道他有沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)，但他已經(jīng)一個月沒有割自己了。他想了想，發(fā)現(xiàn)安迪說得沒錯。他實在太累了，累得根本沒想到要割。

　 “Well,” Andy says. “I’m glad. But I’m sorry this is why you’ve stopped, Jude.”

“好吧，”安迪說，“我很高興。但也很遺憾這是你停止的原因，裘德?！?

　 “I am, too,” he says. They are both quiet, both, he fears, nostalgic for the days when cutting was his most serious problem.

“我也是?！彼f。兩個人都不說話，他擔(dān)心，兩個人都在懷念割自己是他最嚴(yán)重問題的那些日子。

　 Now it is June, now it is July. The wounds on his legs—the old ones, which he has had for more than a year, and the more recent ones, which he has had since March—have not healed. They have barely diminished. And it is then, just after the Fourth of July weekend, just after Willem’s run ends, that Andy asks if he can come talk to him and Willem. And because he knows what Andy is going to say, he lies and says that Willem is busy, that Willem doesn’t have the time, as if by delaying the conversation, he might delay his future as well, but early one Saturday evening he comes home from the office and there they are in the apartment, waiting for him.

接著是六月，再過來是七月。他腿上的瘡都沒有愈合——舊的那些已經(jīng)超過一年了，比較新的則是從三月到現(xiàn)在，而且?guī)缀醵紱]有縮小。此時，就在七月四日國慶節(jié)的周末之后，威廉的演出剛結(jié)束，安迪問能不能去他們家跟他和威廉談?wù)?。他知道安迪要談什么，于是撒謊說威廉很忙、沒時間，仿佛借著拖延這次談話，就可以拖延他的未來。但是一個星期六傍晚，他從辦公室回到家里，發(fā)現(xiàn)他們兩個都在公寓里等著他。

　 The speech is what he expects. Andy recommends—he strongly recommends—amputation. Andy is gentle, very gentle, but he can tell, from how rehearsed his delivery is, from how formal he is, that he is nervous.

安迪要說什么他已經(jīng)料到了。安迪建議（強烈建議）截肢。安迪很溫柔，非常溫柔，但從他講的話那么像排練過、那么正式，他知道他很緊張。

　 “We always knew this day would come,” Andy begins, “but that doesn’t make it any easier. Jude, only you know how much pain, how much inconvenience, you can tolerate. I can’t tell you that. I can tell you that you’ve gone on far longer than most people would. I can tell you you’ve been extraordinarily courageous—don’t make that face: you have been; you are—and I can tell you that I can’t imagine what you’ve been suffering.

“我們一直知道會有這一天，”安迪開始說，“但這件事不會因此變得比較容易。裘德，只有你知道有多痛、多不方便，自己又能忍受到什么程度。這些我沒辦法告訴你。我可以告訴你的，就是你已經(jīng)比大部分人撐得都要久了。我可以告訴你，你一直都非常勇敢。別擺出那個表情，你真的很勇敢。而且我可以告訴你，我無法想象你有多煎熬。

　 “But all of that aside—even if you feel you have the wherewithal to keep going—there are some realities to consider here. The treatments aren’t working. The wounds aren’t healing. The fact that you’ve had two bone infections in less than a year is alarming to me. I’m worried you’re going to develop an allergy to one of the antibiotics, and then we’ll be really, really fucked. And even if you don’t, you’re not tolerating the drugs as well as I’d hoped you would: you’ve lost way too much weight, a troubling amount of weight, and every time I see you, you’ve gotten a little weaker.

“這些都先擺在一旁，即使你覺得還有力氣撐下去，眼前還是有一些現(xiàn)實要考慮。我們做的治療沒有用。你的傷口一直沒有愈合。而且你不到一年內(nèi)發(fā)生兩次骨頭感染，這讓我非常警覺。我擔(dān)心你接下來會開始對某種抗生素過敏，那我們就真的、真的慘了。即使你沒有這種過敏，你對這些藥物的耐藥性也不如我的期望。你的體重掉得太多，多到會出問題，而且我每次看到你，你就更虛弱一點。

　 “The tissue in your upper legs seems to be healthy enough that I’m pretty certain we’ll be able to spare both knees. And Jude, I promise you that your quality of life will improve instantly if we amputate. There won’t be any more pain in your feet. You’ve never had a wound on your thighs, and I don’t think there’s any immediate fear you will. The prosthetics available now are so infinitely superior than what they were even ten years ago that honestly, your gait will probably be better, more natural, with them than it is with your actual legs. The surgery is very straightforward—just four hours or so—and I’ll do it myself. And the inpatient recovery is brief: less than a week in the hospital, and we’ll fit you with temporary prostheses immediately.”

“你大腿的組織似乎還夠健康，我相當(dāng)確定可以保住你兩邊的膝蓋。另外裘德，我跟你保證，如果截肢的話，你的生活質(zhì)量會立刻改善。兩腳再也不會痛了。你的大腿不曾有過傷口，我不認(rèn)為你截肢后需要擔(dān)憂?，F(xiàn)在的義肢比起十年前都好太多了，所以老實說，你的步態(tài)大概還會比你用現(xiàn)在這兩條腿走還要好、還要自然。這個手術(shù)很簡單，只要大約四小時，而且我會親自動手術(shù)。住院的恢復(fù)期也很短：不到一星期就可以出院了，然后我們會立刻幫你裝上臨時義肢?！?

　 Andy stops, placing his hands on his knees, and looks at them. For a long while, none of them speaks, and then Willem begins to ask questions, smart questions, questions he should be asking: How long is the outpatient recovery period? What kind of physical therapy would he be doing? What are the risks associated with the surgery? He half listens to the responses, which he already knows, more or less, having researched these very questions, this very scenario, every year since Andy had first suggested it to him, seventeen years ago.

安迪停下來，雙手放在膝蓋上看著他。有好一會兒，他們?nèi)齻€人都沒說話，然后威廉開始提問，很聰明的問題，都是他自己該問的：接下來，恢復(fù)期還要多久？他要做什么樣的物理治療？這個手術(shù)有什么風(fēng)險？他沒太認(rèn)真聽那些回答，因為他多多少少知道。自從安迪十七年前第一次跟他提到截肢的可能性，他每年都查過這些問題，演練過這個劇本。

　 Finally, he interrupts them. “What happens if I say no?” he asks, and he can see the dismay move across both of their faces.

最后，他打斷他們。“如果我拒絕開刀，那會怎么樣？”他問，他看得出威廉和安迪的臉色都沉了下來。

　 “If you say no, we’ll keep pushing forward with everything we’ve been doing and hope it works eventually,” Andy says. “But Jude, it’s always better to have an amputation when you get to decide to have it, not when you’re forced to have it.” He pauses. “If you get a blood infection, if you develop sepsis, then we will have to amputate, and I won’t be able to guarantee that you’ll keep the knees. I won’t be able to guarantee that you won’t lose some other extremity—a finger; a hand—that the infection won’t spread far beyond your lower legs.”

“如果你拒絕開刀，我們就繼續(xù)做現(xiàn)在的各種治療，希望最后有效?！卑驳险f，“但是裘德，當(dāng)你還可以決定截肢時，總是比較好的，不要等到你被迫非得截肢。”他暫停了一下，“如果你血液感染，變成敗血癥，那我們就非得截肢不可，到時候我就沒辦法擔(dān)保你還能保住膝蓋，也沒辦法擔(dān)保感染不會擴散得更厲害，讓你失去其他部分，例如一根手指，或是一整只手?！?