VOA慢速英語：拒絕時說抱歉可能無法讓對方更好受

Saying 'Sorry' Might Not Help Person You’re Rejecting

拒絕時說抱歉可能無法讓對方更好受

Did you ever have to say "no" to somebody? Such as a classmate who asks to go to lunch with you, or a roommate who asks if you would like to continue living together in the future?

你有沒有遇到過必須對某人說不?比如有個同學(xué)約你一起吃飯，或是有個室友問你是否愿意以后繼續(xù)一起住?

New research suggests that, at least socially, a rejection should not include an apology. In other words, saying you are sorry does not make the person being rejected feel any better.

新的研究表明，至少在社交方面，拒絕的時候不用夾帶一句道歉。換句話說，說句對不起并不能讓被拒絕的人感覺更好受點。

In fact, it might make the rejected person feel worse.

事實上這可能會使被拒絕者感覺更糟。

That is surprising. Many people consider it to be good manners to say they are sorry when they turn down a request.

這讓人驚訝。很多人認(rèn)為在拒絕某個請求時表示抱歉是有禮貌。

Gili Freedman is doing postdoctoral research at Dartmouth College in New Hampshire. She just published her study on rejection in Frontiers in Psychology. For her research, she asked over 1,000 people to respond to different examples of social rejection.

弗雷曼在新罕布什爾州達(dá)特茅斯學(xué)院做博士后研究。她剛剛在《心理學(xué)前沿》上發(fā)表了關(guān)于拒絕的研究。她在研究中要求1千多人對不同的社交拒絕案例給出回應(yīng)。

Freedman -- and other researchers -- did the research while she was completing her doctoral studies at the University of Texas at Austin.

弗雷曼在完成德克薩斯大學(xué)奧斯汀分校的博士學(xué)位期間同其他研究人員進(jìn)行了這項研究。

In one example, the researchers asked people for their reaction after a person named Taylor asked to join a co-worker who went out to lunch every Friday.

在一起案例中，一位名為泰勒的人要求跟一位每周五出去吃午餐的同事一起用餐，研究人員調(diào)查了人們對此的反應(yīng)。

In another case, they asked for people's reactions when Taylor asked a roommate whether they could continue to live with each other in the future.

在另一起案例中，他們調(diào)查了人們對泰勒詢問室友以后是否可以繼續(xù)同住的反應(yīng)。

The participants did not know whether Taylor was a man or a woman.

參與者并不知道泰勒是男是女。

In both cases, and in other social experiments, Taylor was told "no." But in some cases, the person rejecting Taylor offered an apology, such as "I'm sorry." In other cases, the people doing the rejecting did not say they were sorry.

在這兩起案例和其他社交試驗中，泰勒都被拒絕了。但是在一些案例中，拒絕泰勒的人表示抱歉，例如說“對不起。”在其他案例中，拒絕者并未表示抱歉。

People were asked how they would feel if they were being turned down, just as Taylor was. Most said they would be more hurt by a rejection with an apology, than a rejection without an apology.

人們被問到，如果他們像泰勒一樣被拒絕，他們會有什么感覺?大多數(shù)表示，與拒絕不道歉相比，他們會被拒絕加道歉傷得更深。

Freedman said the reason is that apologies make people feel like they need to say that the rejection was okay -- even when they felt like it was not okay. Rejection without an apology lets them express their feelings of disappointment, hurt or anger more easily.

弗雷曼表示，原因在于，道歉讓人們覺得他們必須回應(yīng)說被拒絕也沒關(guān)系，即使他們覺得很有關(guān)系。拒絕不道歉讓他們更容易表達(dá)出他們的失望、受傷或是憤怒的感覺。

"It seems like apologies actually increase hurt feelings, rather than decreasing them, which is often our goal when we want to let someone down easy."

弗雷曼表示：“似乎道歉加深了受傷感，而不是有所減輕。而減輕受傷感正是我們讓某人失望時的目標(biāo)。”

Freedman also said that an apology often makes the person doing the rejecting feel better -- even as it makes the person being rejected feel worse.

弗雷曼還表示，道歉通常讓拒絕者感覺更好過，即使這會讓被拒絕者感覺更糟。

Her research deals only with social interactions. A business situation might be very different. If a manager rejects a job candidate or a boss must tell an employee that he or she is being let go from a job, Freedman said, reactions to apologies may be different.

她的研究只涉及社交互動。商務(wù)場合可能會有很大不同。弗雷曼表示，如果一位經(jīng)理拒絕一位求職者，或是一位老板必須要開除一名員工，對道歉的反應(yīng)可能會有所不同。

"You can imagine, there are a lot of differences between me rejecting a friend for a coffee date, versus me firing someone. There is a different power dynamic. There are different consequences. So, we would have to do further research to see how apologies stack up in a business rejection."

弗雷曼表示：“你可以想象一下，我拒絕朋友約著喝咖啡跟我開除某人相比有很大不同。它們有著不同的權(quán)力力度，不同的后果。所以，我們必須做進(jìn)一步研究來看看商務(wù)拒絕的對比情況。”

One famous line from the novel "Love Story" says "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

《愛情故事》這部小說中有句名言，“相愛就不用說抱歉。”

"Love Story" became a movie in 1970. Both the book and film were written by Erich Segal. The movie is a tragic love story between Jenny and Oliver, played by Ali MacGraw and Ryan O'Neal.

Freedman was asked whether Love Story's writer got it right with those famous words. She said that she is a little too young to remember the 1970 movie.

《愛情故事》在1970年被拍成電影。這本書和電影都是Erick Segal寫的。這部電影講述的是珍妮和奧利弗之間的悲劇愛情故事，分別由阿里·麥格勞(Ali MacGraw)和瑞安·奧尼爾(Ryan O'Neal)扮演。

But she did say, "I think in this case -- in a social rejection at least, saying you're sorry might have some unintended consequences."

但她確實表示，“我認(rèn)為在這種情況下，至少是在社交拒絕中，說抱歉可能會有一些意想不到的后果。”

I'm Bruce Alpert.

布魯斯·阿爾伯特報道。