THAT night we lay on the floor in the room and I listened to the silkworms eating.The silkworms fed in racks of mulberry leaves and all night you could hear them eating and a dropping sound in the leaves.I myself did not want to sleep because I had been living for a long time with the knowledge that if I ever shut my eyes in the dark and let myself go, my soul would go out of my body.I had been that way for a long time, ever since I had been blown up at night and felt it go out of me and go off and then come back.I tried never to think about it, but it had started to go since, in the nights, just at the moment of going off to sleep, and I could only stop it by a very great effort.So while now I am fairly sure that it will not really have gone out, yet then, that summer, I was unwilling to make the experiment.
I had different ways of occupying myself while I lay awake.I would think of a trout stream I had fshed along when I was a boy and fsh its whole length very carefully in my mind;fshing very carefully under all the logs, all the turns of the bank, the deep holes and the clear shallow stretches, sometimes catching trout and sometimes losing them.I would stop fshing at noon to eat my lunch;sometimes on a log over the stream;sometimes on a high bank under a tree, and I always ate my lunch very slowly and watched the stream below me while I ate.Often I ran outof bait because I would take only ten worms with me in a tobacco tin when I started.When I had used them all I had to fnd more worms, and sometimes it was very diffcult digging in the bank of the stream where the cedar trees kept out the sun and there was no grass but only the bare moist earth and often I could fnd no worms.Always though I found some kind of bait, but one time in the swamp I could fnd no bait at all and had to cut up one of the trout I had caught and use him for bait.
Sometimes I found insects in the swamp meadows, in the grass or under ferns, and used them.There were beetles and insects with legs like grass stems, and grubs in old rotten logs;white grubs with brown pinching heads that would not stay on the hook and emptied into nothing in the cold water, and wood ticks under logs where sometimes I found angle-worms that slipped into the ground as soon as the log was raised.Once I used a salamander from under an old log.The salamander was very small and neat and agile and a lovely color.He had tiny feet that tried to hold on to the hook, and after that one time I never used a salamander, although I found them very often.Nor did I use crickets, because of the way they acted about the hook.
Sometimes the stream ran through an open meadow, and in the dry grass I would catch grasshoppers and use them for bait and sometimes I would catch grasshoppers and toss them into the stream and watch them float along swimming on the stream and circling on the surface as the current took them and then disappear as a trout rose.Sometimes I would fsh four or fve different streams in the night;starting as near as I could get to their source and fishing them down stream.When I had finished too quickly and the time did not go, I would fsh the stream over again, starting where it emptied into the lake and fshing back up stream, trying for all the trout I had missed coming down.Some nights too I made up streams, and some of them were very exciting, and it was like being awake and dreaming.Some of those streams I still remember and think that I was fishing in them, and they are confused with streams I really know.I gave them all names and went to them on the train and sometimes walked for miles to get to them.
But some nights I could not fish, and on those nights I was cold-awake and said my prayers over and over and tried to pray for all the people I had ever known.That took up a great amount of time, for if you try to remember all the people you have ever known, going back to the earliest thing you remember—which was, with me, the attic of the house where I was born and my mother and father's wedding-cake in a tin box hanging from one of the rafters, and, in the attic, jars of snakes and other specimens that my father had collected as a boy and preserved in alcohol, the alcohol sunken in the jars so the backs of some of the snakes and specimens were exposed and had turned white—if you thought back that far, you remembered a great many people.If you prayed for all of them, saying a Hail Mary and Our Father for each one, it took a long time and fnally it would be light, and then you could go to sleep, if you were in a place where you could sleep in the daylight.
On those nights I tried to remember everything that had ever happened to me, starting with just before I went to the war and remembering back from one thing to another.I found I could only remember back to that attic in my grandfather's house.Then I would start there and remember this way again, until I reached the war.
I remembered, after my grandfather died we moved away from the house and to a new house designed and built by my mother.Many things that were not to be moved were burned in the backyard and I remember those jars from the attic being thrown in the fre, and how they popped in the heat and the fre famed up from the alcohol.I remember the snakes burning in the fre in the backyard.But there were no people in that, only things.I could not remember who burned the things even, and I would go on until I came to people and then stop and pray for them.
About the new house I remember how my mother was always cleaning things out and making a good clearance.One time when my father was away on a hunting trip she made a good thorough cleaning out in the basement and burned everything that should not have been there.When my father came home and got down from his buggy and hitched the horse, the fre was still burning in the road beside the house.I went out to meet him.He handed me his shotgun and looked at the fre.“What's this?”he asked.
“I've been cleaning out the basement, dear,”my mother said from the porch.She was standing there smiling, to meet him.My father looked at the fire and kicked at something.Then he leaned over and picked something out of the ashes.“Get a rake, Nick,”he said to me.I went to the basement and brought a rake and my father raked very carefully in the ashes.He raked out stone axes and stone skinning knives and tools for making arrow-heads and pieces of pottery and many arrow-heads.They had all been blackened and chipped by the fre.My father raked them all out very carefully and spread them on the grass by the road.His shotgun in its leather case and his game-bags were on the grass where he had leftthem when he stepped down from the buggy.
“Take the gun and the bags in the house, Nick, and bring me a paper,”he said.My mother had gone inside the house.I took the shotgun, which was heavy to carry and banged against my legs, and the two game-bags and started toward the house.“Take them one at a time,”my father said.“Don't try and carry too much at once.”I put down the game-bags and took in the shotgun and brought out a newspaper from the pile in my father's office.My father spread all the blackened, chipped stone implements on the paper and then wrapped them up.“The best arrow-heads went all to pieces,”he said.He walked into the house with the paper package and I stayed outside on the grass with the two game-bags.After a while, I took them in.In remembering that, there were only two people, so I would pray for them both.
Some nights, though, I could not remember my prayers even.I could only get as far as“On earth as it is in heaven”and then have to start all over and be absolutely unable to get past that.Then I would have to recognize that I could not remember and give up saying my prayers that night and try something else.So on some nights I would try to remember all the animals in the world by name and then the birds and then fshes and then countries and cities and then kinds of food and the names of all the streets I could remember in Chicago, and when I could not remember anything at all any more I would just listen.And I do not remember a night on which you could not hear things.If I could have a light I was not afraid to sleep, because I knew my soul would only go out of me if it were dark.So, of course, many nights I was where I could have a light and then I slept because I was nearly always tired and often very sleepy.And I amsure many times too that I slept without knowing it—but I never slept knowing it, and on this night I listened to the silkworms.You can hear silkworms eating very clearly in the night and I lay with my eyes open and listened to them.
There was only one other person in the room and he was awake too.I listened to him being awake, for a long time.He could not lie as quietly as I could because, perhaps, he had not had as much practice being awake.We were lying on blankets spread over straw and when he moved the straw was noisy, but the silkworms were not frightened by any noise we made and ate on steadily.There were the noises of night seven kilometers behind the lines outside but they were different from the small noises inside the room in the dark.The other man in the room tried lying quietly.Then he moved again.I moved too, so he would know I was awake.He had lived ten years in Chicago.They had taken him for a soldier in nineteen fourteen when he had come back to visit his family, and they had given him to me for an orderly because he spoke English.I heard him listening, so I moved again in the blankets.
“Can't you sleep, Signor Tenente?”he asked.
“No.”
“I can't sleep, either.”
“What's the matter?”
“I don't know.I can't sleep.”
“You feel all right?”
“Sure.I feel good.I just can't sleep.”
“You want to talk a while?”I asked.
“Sure.What can you talk about in this damn place?”
“This place is pretty good,”I said.
“Sure,”he said.“It's all right.”
“Tell me about out in Chicago,”I said.
“Oh,”he said,“I told you all that once.”
“Tell me about how you got married.”
“I told you that.”
“Was the letter you got Monday—from her?”
“Sure.She writes me all the time.She's making good money with the place.”
“You'll have a nice place when you go back.”
“Sure.She runs it fne.She's making a lot of money.”
“Don't you think we'll wake them up, talking?”I asked.
“No.They can't hear.Anyway, they sleep like pigs.I'm different,”he said.“I'm nervous.”
“Talk quiet,”I said.“Want a smoke?”
We smoked skillfully in the dark.
“You don't smoke much, Signor Tenente.”
“No.I've just about cut it out.”
“Well,”he said,“it don't do you any good and I suppose you get so you don't miss it.Did you ever hear a blind man won't smoke because he can't see the smoke come out?”
“I don't believe it.”
“I think it's all bull, myself,”he said.“I just heard it somewhere.You know how you hear things.”
We were both quiet and I listened to the silkworms.
“You hear those damn silkworms?”he asked.“You can hear themchew.”
“It's funny,”I said.
“Say, Signor Tenente, is there something really the matter that you can't sleep?I never see you sleep.You haven't slept nights ever since I been with you.”
“I don't know, John,”I said.“I got in pretty bad shape along early last spring and at night it bothers me.”
“Just like I am,”he said.“I shouldn't have ever got in this war.I'm too nervous.”
“Maybe it will get better.”
“Say, Signor Tenente, what did you get in this war for, anyway?”
“I don't know, John.I wanted to, then.”
“Wanted to,”he said.“That's a hell of a reason.”
“We oughtn't to talk so loud,”I said.
“They sleep like pigs,”he said.“They can't understand the English language, anyway.They don't know a damn thing.What are you going to do when it's over and we go back to the States?”
“I'll get a job on a paper.”
“In Chicago?”
“Maybe.”
“Do you ever read what this fellow Brisbane writes?My wife cuts it out for me and sends it to me.”
“Sure.”
“Did you ever meet him?”
“No, but I've seen him.”
“I'd like to meet that fellow.He's a fne writer.My wife don't readEnglish but she takes the paper just like when I was home and she cuts out the editorials and the sport page and sends them to me.”
“How are your kids?”
“They're fne.One of the girls is in the fourth grade now.You know, Signor Tenente, if I didn't have the kids I wouldn't be your orderly now.They'd have made me stay in the line all the time.”
“I'm glad you've got them.”
“So am I.They're fne kids but I want a boy.Three girls and no boy.That's a hell of a note.”
“Why don't you try and go to sleep?”
“No, I can't sleep now, I'm wide awake now, Signor Tenente.Say, I'm worried about you not sleeping, though.”
“It'll be all right, John.”
“Imagine a young fellow like you not to sleep.”
“I'll get all right.It just takes a while.”
“You got to get all right.A man can't get along that don't sleep.Do you worry about anything?You got anything on your mind?”
“No, John, I don't think so.”
“You ought to get married, Signor Tenente.Then you wouldn't worry.”
“I don't know.”
“You ought to get married.Why don't you pick out some nice Italian girl with plenty of money?You could get any one you want.You're young and you got good decorations and you look nice.You been wounded a couple of times.”
“I can't talk the language well enough.”
“You talk it fne.To hell with talking the language.You don't have to talk to them.Marry them.”
“I'll think about it.”
“You know some girls, don't you?”
“Sure.”
“Well, you marry the one with the most money.Over here, the way they're brought up, they'll all make you a good wife.”
“I'll think about it.”
“Don't think about it, Signor Tenente.Do it.”
“All right.”
“A man ought to be married.You'll never regret it.Every man ought to be married.”
“All right,”I said.“Let's try and sleep a while.”
“All right, Signor Tenente.I'll try it again.But you remember what I said.”
“I'll remember it,”I said.“Now let's sleep a while, John.”
“All right,”he said.“I hope you sleep, Signor Tenente.”
I heard him roll in his blankets on the straw and then he was very quiet and I listened to him breathing regularly.Then he started to snore.I listened to him snore for a long time and then I stopped listening to him snore and listened to the silkworms eating.They ate steadily, making a dropping in the leaves.I had a new thing to think about and I lay in the dark with my eyes open and thought of all the girls I had ever known and what kind of wives they would make.It was a very interesting thing to think about and for a while it killed off trout-fshing and interfered with my prayers.Finally, though, I went back to trout-fshing, because I foundthat I could remember all the streams and there was always something new about them, while the girls, after I had thought about them a few times, blurred and I could not call them into my mind and finally they all blurred and all became rather the same and I gave up thinking about them almost altogether.But I kept on with my prayers and I prayed very often for John in the nights and his class was removed from active service before the October offensive.I was glad he was not there, because he would have been a great worry to me.He came to the hospital in Milan to see me several months after and he was very disappointed that I had not yet married, and I know he would feel very badly if he knew that, so far, I have never married.He was going back to America and he was very certain about marriage and knew it would fx up everything.
那天夜里,我們是躺在屋里的地板上睡的。我睡不著,就側(cè)耳傾聽蠶吃桑葉的聲音。桑葉放在架子上,蠶就在那兒大吃大嚼,一整夜都能聽得見,還能聽見蠶糞掉在桑葉上的聲音。其實(shí)我并不想進(jìn)入夢鄉(xiāng),長期以來,我一直有一種想法:在黑暗中閉上眼睛,昏昏睡去,我的靈魂就會出竅。自從一天夜里被炮彈炸了一次之后,這種現(xiàn)象存在已有好長時(shí)間了,我老覺得自己的靈魂會出竅,會離開我,最終又返回我的體內(nèi)。我盡量不去想它,可是夜里每當(dāng)快睡著的時(shí)候,這種現(xiàn)象就會出現(xiàn),非得使出全身的解數(shù)才能制止它重演?,F(xiàn)在我倒是確信靈魂不會真的出竅,但那年夏天我卻并不愿意做這種試驗(yàn)。
夜里醒著的時(shí)候,我有種種辦法排遣時(shí)間。我會想小時(shí)候格外認(rèn)真地循著整條小溪釣魚的情形,有時(shí)小心翼翼地釣浮木底下的魚,有時(shí)釣溪水轉(zhuǎn)彎處的魚,有時(shí)則在深潭和清澈的淺灘處釣,有時(shí)會釣到鱒魚,有時(shí)讓它們跑了。中午的時(shí)候,我就放下釣竿吃飯,有時(shí)在小溪的獨(dú)木橋上吃,有時(shí)則在高高的河岸上躲在樹下吃,每次吃飯都細(xì)嚼慢咽,邊吃邊觀看腳下的溪水。出發(fā)的時(shí)候,我往往只在煙草鐵盒里裝十條蚯蚓當(dāng)魚餌,結(jié)果常常不夠用。一旦魚餌用盡,就得去找新的魚餌。岸上,由于雪松遮住了陽光,結(jié)果寸草不生,只有潮濕的泥土,在這樣的地方挖蚯蚓往往是很難的,常常一條蚯蚓也找不到。遇到這種情況,我就找其他種類的魚餌。然而有一次在沼澤地里,由于任何魚餌都找不到,我只好把釣到的一條鱒魚切碎充當(dāng)魚餌。
有時(shí)在沼澤地的草窩里、荒草間或羊齒植物的根部下找到些昆蟲,我就用這些昆蟲當(dāng)魚餌。這其中有甲蟲,有腿像草莖一樣的昆蟲,也有藏在朽木里的金龜甲幼蟲。這種幼蟲,白白的身子,腦袋是棕色的,尖尖的,在魚鉤上掛不住,一到冰冷的溪水里就不見了蹤影。還有躲在原木下的蜱蟲。有時(shí)會有蚯蚓藏在原木下,可一掀開原木,它們就會鉆進(jìn)土里。一次,我在一根朽木下找到一只蠑螈,就用它當(dāng)魚餌。那只蠑螈很小,輕巧靈活,顏色很好看,用小小的爪子緊緊抓住釣鉤。這之后,雖然常常還能找到蠑螈,但我再也不用它們當(dāng)魚餌了。我也不用蟋蟀當(dāng)魚餌,因?yàn)樗鼈冊隰~鉤上胡蹦亂跳。
有的時(shí)候,小溪會流過一片開闊的草地。我會在干草叢里抓蚱蜢,用蚱蜢當(dāng)魚餌。有時(shí),我抓住蚱蜢,就把它們?nèi)舆M(jìn)溪水里,看著它們漂浮在水面順流而下,流水沖上來時(shí)它就在水面上打轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn),直至一條鱒魚躍起才不見了蹤影。有時(shí),我會在一個(gè)晚上去四五條小溪邊釣魚,盡量從源頭開始,然后溯流而下,一路甩鉤垂釣。有時(shí)由于釣魚釣得過分匆忙,時(shí)間又來得及,我就在這條小溪上再釣一遍,從溪水入湖處開始往上游邊走邊釣,試圖把漏掉的鱒魚釣上岸。有時(shí)在夜間,我還會幻想出幾條小溪,其中一些極其有趣,而且非常生動(dòng),宛在眼前。有的我至今記憶猶新,以為自己真的在那些溪水里釣過魚。那些溪水和我真正了解的溪水混在一起,難以區(qū)分。我還給那些溪水起了一個(gè)個(gè)名字,而且還會坐火車去尋找它們,有時(shí)還會步行走很遠(yuǎn)的路去尋覓它們的蹤影。
有時(shí)夜間無法釣魚,清醒極了,于是我就念祈禱詞,念了一遍又一遍,試圖為所有我認(rèn)識的人祈禱。這要花相當(dāng)長的時(shí)間。如果你想回憶起所有你認(rèn)識的人,就得追溯你記憶中最早的往事。對我而言,就得回憶回憶我出生的那個(gè)閣樓。閣樓的椽子上掛著一個(gè)鐵皮盒子,里面保存著我父母的結(jié)婚蛋糕;閣樓里放著幾個(gè)瓶子,里面有父親小時(shí)候收集的蛇的標(biāo)本,以及其他的一些動(dòng)物的標(biāo)本,浸泡在酒精里,但由于酒精的蒸發(fā),一些蛇和其他動(dòng)物標(biāo)本的脊背露出來,都發(fā)白了。追溯這么遠(yuǎn)的往事,你肯定能回憶起許多人。如果為每個(gè)人念一遍“萬福馬利亞”和“天父保佑”,那也得花好長時(shí)間,念到天亮也念不完。如果在一個(gè)大白天還容你睡覺的地方,你可以補(bǔ)上一大覺。
在那些夜晚,我竭力想回憶起自己經(jīng)歷過的諸多事情,從上戰(zhàn)場之前開始,一件件回憶,但我發(fā)現(xiàn)最早只能回憶起祖父家閣樓里出現(xiàn)過的場景。于是我就以那兒為起點(diǎn)往后回憶,一直回憶到參戰(zhàn)時(shí)。
我回憶起祖父死后,我們一家離開祖屋,搬到了一幢由母親設(shè)計(jì)建造的新房屋里。許多搬不走的東西被拿到后院付之一炬。記得閣樓里的那幾個(gè)標(biāo)本瓶子扔進(jìn)火堆時(shí),砰地爆裂開來,酒精燃燒,火焰沖天。我至今仍記得蛇的標(biāo)本在后院的火堆里熊熊燃燒的情景。不過后院沒人,全都是東西。我甚至記不得是什么人在燒那些東西。我就絞盡腦汁想啊想,直至想起了是什么人在燒東西才罷休,接下來就為他們祈禱。
記得到了新家,母親老是清理東西,收拾得干凈整潔。一次,父親出門打獵,她就鉆進(jìn)地下室來了個(gè)大清掃,把她認(rèn)為不該放在那里的東西全都扔進(jìn)火里燒了。父親打獵歸來,下了馬車,拴了馬,余火仍在房屋旁的道路上燃燒。我跑上前迎接他,他把手里的獵槍遞給我,看了看火堆。“這是怎么回事?”他問。
“我在清理地下室呢,親愛的。”母親來到門廊迎接他,站在那兒笑吟吟地說。父親望望火堆的灰燼,用腳踢了踢。踢到了一樣?xùn)|西,于是彎腰把那樣?xùn)|西撿起,對我說:“把耙子拿來,尼克!”我跑到地下室取來了耙子,父親用耙子在灰堆里細(xì)心地耙來耙去,扒出了一些石斧、剝獸皮用的石刀和制作箭頭用的工具,還有一些陶器碎片以及許多箭頭。這些物件已被大火燒黑,殘破不全了。父親輕手輕腳把東西扒出來后,攤開放在路邊的草地上。帶皮套的獵槍和狩獵袋也在草地上放著,那是他下馬車時(shí)丟在那兒的。
“把槍和袋子拿到屋里去,尼克,再給我拿張紙來!”他對我說。此時(shí)母親已進(jìn)了屋。我拿起獵槍和兩個(gè)狩獵袋拔腿就往屋里走,獵槍沉得不得了,老碰我的腿。“一次拿一件東西,”父親說,“別一次拿那么多!”我把兩個(gè)狩獵袋放下,將獵槍送進(jìn)了屋,然后到父親的辦公室,從報(bào)紙堆里取來一張報(bào)紙。父親把那些燒黑了的、殘破不全的石器放在報(bào)紙上裹起來。“最好的箭頭全都成了碎渣渣。”他說完就拿著那包殘破的石器進(jìn)屋了,而我仍留在屋外的草地上守著那兩個(gè)狩獵袋。過了一會兒,我把它們拿進(jìn)了屋?;貞涍@段往事時(shí)只能想起這兩個(gè)人,于是我就為他倆念祈禱文。
有幾個(gè)夜晚,我連祈禱文都記不起來了,只能記起一句“在人間如同置身于天堂”,于是只好從頭來,結(jié)果還是在這里卡殼,其他內(nèi)容一概記不起來。這種情況下我只好認(rèn)輸,承認(rèn)自己記不起來,當(dāng)天晚上就不再念祈禱文,而是思索別的事情。所以,有那么幾個(gè)夜晚,我絞盡腦汁想回憶世上所有動(dòng)物的名稱,回憶飛禽和魚類的名稱,然后試著回憶國家、城市以及各種食物的名稱,接著搜索枯腸回憶芝加哥各街道的名稱。待到什么都回憶不起來時(shí),我就豎起耳朵傾聽動(dòng)靜。我記不得自己哪天夜里會聽不見任何聲音。夜間,只要有亮光,我就不怕睡覺,因?yàn)槲抑牢业撵`魂只有在黑暗中才會出竅。所以,好多夜晚我當(dāng)然會躺到有亮光的地方安然入睡,這時(shí)的我十有八九已精疲力竭,經(jīng)常困得不得了。也有許多次我是不知不覺睡著的,這一點(diǎn)我敢肯定。但凡有知覺的夜晚,我便睡不著,這時(shí)我就聽蠶的動(dòng)靜。更深人靜時(shí),蠶吃桑葉的聲音你可以聽得一清二楚。于是我睜大眼睛躺著,側(cè)耳靜聽。
那天夜里,屋里另有一人,他也醒著。聽得出來他是醒著的,很長時(shí)間。他不能像我一樣靜靜地躺著,也許是因?yàn)闆]有我這么多睡不著覺的經(jīng)驗(yàn)吧。我們睡在稻草上,身下鋪著毯子,他稍微一動(dòng),稻草就窸窣作響。不過,不管我們弄出什么樣的響動(dòng)都不會嚇著蠶,它們照樣吃它們的桑葉。我們距離前線七公里,夜里外邊會有一些響動(dòng),但那種響動(dòng)跟黑屋子里這種細(xì)小的聲音是不同的。屋里另外的那個(gè)人竭力想安安靜靜地躺著,可后來又動(dòng)了下身子。我也動(dòng)了動(dòng),好叫他知道我也醒著。他在芝加哥居住過十年,1914年回家探親,卻被抓了壯丁。他被分配給我當(dāng)勤務(wù)兵,因?yàn)樗麜f英語。這時(shí)我情知他在聽,于是躺在毯子上又動(dòng)了動(dòng)身子。
“你睡不著嗎,中尉先生?”他問。
“是的。”
“我也睡不著。”
“怎么回事?”
“不知道。反正就是睡不著。”
“你的身體還好吧?”
“還好,身體沒毛病??删褪撬恢?rdquo;
“想說會兒話嗎?”我問。
“好呀,但在這鬼地方有什么可說的呢?”
“這地方挺好呀。”我說。
“是挺好,”他說,“還可以吧。”
“把你在芝加哥的經(jīng)歷跟我講講好嗎?”我說。
“這個(gè)嘛,”他說,“我都跟你講過了。”
“那就說說你結(jié)婚的經(jīng)過吧。”
“這個(gè)也跟你說過了。”
“你星期一收到的那封信……是你老婆的嗎?”
“當(dāng)然是嘍。她一直在給我寫信。她在家里賺錢賺得盆滿缽滿。”
“那你解甲歸田時(shí)就有一個(gè)安樂窩了。”
“當(dāng)然嘍。她能掙大錢,把家打理得很好。”
“咱倆說話,你覺得會不會把別人吵醒?”我問。
“不會的。他們聽不見,一個(gè)個(gè)睡得像死豬。我卻不一樣,”他說,“神經(jīng)很緊張。”
“說話小聲點(diǎn)兒。”我說,“想抽煙嗎?”
在黑暗中,我們老練地抽起了煙。
“你抽煙抽得不多,中尉先生。”
“是的。我快要戒掉了。”
“是呀,”他說,“抽煙是沒有好處的。一旦戒掉,恐怕你就不再想它了。你聽說過一個(gè)故事沒有,說的是一個(gè)瞎子抽煙時(shí)看不見煙,于是就不想抽了?”
“我才不信呢。”
“我也知道這是無稽之談。”他說,“我只是在哪個(gè)地方隨便聽人說說而已。你知道這是街頭巷尾的閑談。”
隨后,我們倆都不作聲了。我靜靜聽著蠶吃桑葉的聲音。
“你聽見那些該死的蠶的聲音了嗎?”他問,“你可以聽見它們在大嚼大咽!”
“怪有意思的。”我說。
“我說,中尉先生,你睡不著覺是不是心里有什么事情?從沒見你睡著過。自從我來到你身邊,夜里就沒見你睡過覺。”
“說不清呀,約翰。”我說,“今年一開春我的狀態(tài)就不好,一到夜里就心煩。”
“跟我一樣。”他說,“我就不該卷入這場戰(zhàn)爭,神經(jīng)緊張得要命。”
“也許以后會好的。”
“我說,中尉先生,你參加這場戰(zhàn)爭到底是為了什么?”
“我也不清楚,約翰。反正我當(dāng)時(shí)就是想?yún)?zhàn)。”
“想?yún)?zhàn)?”他說,“這算什么原因呀!”
“咱們說話別聲音太大。”我說。
“沒事,他們睡得像死豬。”他說,“就是聽見,他們也不懂英語。他們一個(gè)個(gè)狗屁不通!戰(zhàn)爭結(jié)束后回國,你打算干什么?”
“我要到報(bào)社謀個(gè)差事。”
“芝加哥的報(bào)社?”
“也許吧。”
“那個(gè)叫布里斯班[100]的人寫的東西你看過嗎?我老婆特意把他的文章從報(bào)上剪下來寄給我看。”
“當(dāng)然看過。”
“你認(rèn)識他嗎?”
“不認(rèn)識。但我見過他。”
“我很想認(rèn)識認(rèn)識那個(gè)人。他是個(gè)出類拔萃的作家。我老婆看不懂英語,但她就像我在家時(shí)一樣照樣訂報(bào),把社論和體育版剪下來寄給我。”
“你的孩子怎么樣?”
“都挺好的。一個(gè)女兒現(xiàn)在念小學(xué)四年級了。實(shí)話說,中尉先生,我要不是因?yàn)橛泻⒆樱彤?dāng)不成你的勤務(wù)兵,而必須留在前線打仗。”
“很高興你有孩子。”
“我也是的。她們都很棒,但我想要個(gè)兒子。三個(gè)女兒,卻沒有一個(gè)兒子,真是怪事!”
“你何不試一試,睡上一覺?”
“不行,我現(xiàn)在睡不著,一點(diǎn)兒睡意都沒有,中尉先生。說實(shí)話,我倒是為你睡不著覺而擔(dān)心哩。”
“沒事的,約翰。”
“你這么個(gè)年輕人卻睡不著覺,簡直匪夷所思。”
“沒事的。這只不過是暫時(shí)的。”
“覺是一定要睡的。一個(gè)人不睡覺那怎么成!你是不是有什么犯愁的事?心里是不是有什么疙瘩?”
“沒有,約翰。我想是沒有的。”
“你應(yīng)該結(jié)婚,中尉先生。結(jié)了婚就沒有犯愁的事了。”
“誰知道呢。”
“婚是應(yīng)該結(jié)的。何不挑一個(gè)模樣好又有錢的意大利女孩娶過來?你年輕英俊,獲得過勛章,還光榮地負(fù)過兩次傷,女孩子任你挑,想要哪一個(gè)就要哪一個(gè)。”
“意大利語我說得不夠好。”
“你說得挺好的。會不會說意大利語狗屁都不算。你不必跟她們說話,娶過來就是了。”
“讓我考慮考慮吧。”
“你還是認(rèn)識幾個(gè)女孩的,對不對?”
“當(dāng)然嘍。”
“那就挑一個(gè)最有錢的娶過來得啦。就憑著她們在這兒受的教養(yǎng),個(gè)個(gè)都可以成為賢妻良母。”
“讓我考慮考慮吧。”
“別優(yōu)柔寡斷,中尉先生。應(yīng)該當(dāng)機(jī)立斷!”
“好吧。”
“男大當(dāng)婚嘛。你不會后悔的。一個(gè)人總要結(jié)婚的。”
“好吧。”我說,“咱們爭取睡上一會兒吧?”
“好吧,中尉先生。我就再試試吧。不過,你可要記住我說的話。”
“我會記住的。”我說,“咱們都睡上一會兒吧,約翰。”
“好的,”他說,“希望這次你能睡著,中尉先生。”
我聽見他在鋪在稻草窩里的毯子上輾轉(zhuǎn)反側(cè),后來安靜了下來,發(fā)出了均勻的呼吸聲,又過了一會兒便打起了呼嚕。我聽他打呼嚕聽了很長時(shí)間,才轉(zhuǎn)而去聽蠶蟲進(jìn)食的聲音。那些蠶蟲吃啊吃的,邊吃邊把蠶屎拉在桑葉上。這時(shí)我有新鮮事可想了,于是就睜著眼躺在黑暗中把我認(rèn)識的女孩子在腦海里全過了一遍,看她們是否能成為賢妻良母。思索這樣的事情是非常有趣的,一時(shí)間使得我不再去想釣鱒魚的事,同時(shí)干擾了我的祈禱。不過,我最終還是把思路轉(zhuǎn)回到了釣鱒魚上,因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)自己能記得起所有釣過魚的小溪,總有新東西可供回味,而女孩子則不然,想一會兒就印象模糊了,就記不起來了。最后,她們的嘴臉全都變得朦朦朧朧,成了一個(gè)模樣,于是我干脆就不再去想她們了。而祈禱文,我則堅(jiān)持在念,夜里常常為約翰祈禱。在十月攻勢開始之前,他和他的戰(zhàn)友已經(jīng)退役,不再參戰(zhàn)了。很高興他離開了前線,要不然我會很為他擔(dān)心的。幾個(gè)月后我到米蘭的醫(yī)院養(yǎng)傷,他來看我,發(fā)現(xiàn)我還沒有結(jié)婚,不由大失所望。直至今日,我仍未結(jié)婚,要是叫他知道了,肯定會為我感到難過的。當(dāng)時(shí)他準(zhǔn)備回美國,對于婚姻有著堅(jiān)定的信念,認(rèn)為結(jié)了婚就會事事如意。
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