讓枕邊人迅速離婚的13個問題

“To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” which highlighted the 36 questions that one psychologist says can lead to love, is one of the most popular Modern Love columns ever. Here, an alternative take.

《如何快速與陌生人相愛》是“摩登情愛”欄目至今為止最受歡迎的文章之一，它列出了一位心理學家稱可以讓人墜入愛河的36個問題。以下，是另一種嘗試。

First, grab someone you hope to someday divorce. Choose anyone. Oh, hey, how about the person next to you in bed clipping their toenails and eating leftover kimchi with their hands? They seem super-divorceable.

首先，找到一個你希望有一天與其離婚的人。任何人都可以。噢，嘿，那個在床上躺在你旁邊、一邊剪著腳趾甲、一邊用手吃著韓國泡菜剩飯的家伙怎么樣?他們看起來超級招人想和他們離婚。

With these questions, keep an eye out for mutual disdain. When resentment surfaces, lean into it. It’s the key to splitting up. Allow it to push you further apart until someone ends up alone watching “Roadhouse” at a Motel 6.

拿著這些問題，留心尋找你們流露出的相互的輕蔑。當怨恨開始浮現，讓自己投入這種情緒。這是分手的關鍵。讓它將你們扯開得更遠，直到某個人最終淪落到在一家汽車旅館里獨自看《威龍殺陣》(Roadhouse)。

Before starting this exercise, one of you should read the following instructions aloud while the other removes any sharp objects from the room. Hide the blunt potential projectiles, too.

在開始這個練習之前，你們其中一人應該大聲讀出以下指南，而另一個人則要把房間里的任何尖銳物品拿走。也要把那些可能會被用來扔向彼此的鈍器藏好。

1. Read each question aloud while the other shuts up and doesn’t talk over me. The other just listens. Can the other do that? Just listen?

1. 大聲朗讀每個問題，另一個人閉嘴，不要蓋過我的話。對方只需要聽。能做到嗎?只聽?

2. It’s important to answer each question in order, though it’s hard to tell what’s important to you anymore.

2. 按順序回答問題很重要，雖然現在已經很難講出什么對你來說還算重要的了。

3. The questions are divided into three sets. Each set will take about five minutes but feel like an eternity. That’s why the questions are divided into three sets. Because an eternity divided by three is ... um.

3. 問題被分成了三個部分。每個部分需要大概5分鐘時間，但你會感覺那如同永恒。這就是為什么這些問題被分成了三部分。因為永恒除以三等于……嗯。

4. Do not rush through the questions, but answer each one at a comfortable, quick-to-turn-defensive, deeply spiteful pace.

4. 不要倉促完成這些問題，但要用一種讓你舒服的、能夠快速轉變成自我防御、帶著深深怨恨的節(jié)奏回答每一個問題。

5. You probably won’t get through all the questions in each set, and that will be your fault. Just like everything else.

5. 你可能不會完成每一部分里的每個問題，而那將會是你的錯。就和其他任何事情一樣。

SET I 第一部分

1. Which one of my siblings do you find most attractive?

1. 你覺得我的兄弟姐妹中的哪一個最有吸引力?

2. If you were to die tomorrow, how and by whom would you want to be killed?

2. 如果你明天就會死去，你想要被誰、用什么方式殺死?

3. Name 4,000 things we don’t have in common.

3. 說出4000件我們毫無共同點的事。

4. What does the inside of a gym look like? (No Googling this!)

4. 健身房里面長什么樣?(不準用谷歌搜索!)

SET II 第二部分

5. Where’s the Apple TV remote?

5. 蘋果電視的遙控器在哪?

6. If you were given the chance to bring peace to the Middle East, would you also make that about you?

6. 如果你可以給中東來帶和平，你也會把自己變得平和正常一些嗎?

7. It’s not under the couch. You had it last. Where is it???

7. 遙控器不在沙發(fā)墊子下面。你昨晚用過。它到底在哪???

8. I don’t want to grow old with you. (Whoops — more of a statement.)

8. 我不想和你一起變老。(哎呀!這更像一個聲明。)

SET III 第三部分

9. Our house is on fire. What’s the one thing you grab before escaping the flames besides the original copy of our prenup?

9. 我們的房子著火了。在逃離火海前，除了我們的婚前財產協(xié)議的原版之外，你還想帶走的一件東西是什么?

10. Do you think a new shower curtain rod is going to buy and install itself?

10. 你覺得一根新的浴簾桿會自己把自己買回家并安裝好嗎?

11. If you could go back in time, would you mind staying there?

11. 如果時間可以倒退，你會愿意留在從前嗎?

12. What’s one thing you like about me? (LOL kidding, skip this.)

12. 你喜歡我的一點是什么?(LOL 開玩笑呢，略過這一題。)

12a. If we were the last two people on Earth, whom would you want to divorce and why?

12a. 如果我們是地球上剩下的最后兩個人，你會想和誰離婚?為什么?

13. Should we have sex now? 13. 我們現在要做愛嗎?

After answering “I’m all set” to the last question, take four minutes to quietly stare into space thinking about who gets to keep the Apples to Apples decks.

在對最后這個問題回答“我已經不需要了”之后，用4分鐘的時間安靜地呆呆凝視前方，想一想《蘋果派對》游戲牌最后歸誰。