一個樂觀主義者的離婚指南

Beka told me about her self-care plans for the day of her final divorce hearing as we were getting pedicures. Her two daughters sat between us in child-size pedicure chairs, chattering away and paying no attention to our conversation.

做足部護理時，貝卡(Beka)給我講她最后的離婚聽證會那天的保養(yǎng)計劃。她的兩個女兒坐在我們之間的兒童修腳椅上聊天，完全不理會我們。

“I scheduled a facial, a massage, and lots of drinks beginning at 2 p.m.,” she said. “I’m going to need this. We know half the attorneys in town, and I bet we’ll see someone in court. Watch it be one of the loudmouths.”

“我從下午兩點開始安排美容和按摩，還要大喝一場，”她說。“我需要這個。城里一半的律師我們都認識，我敢打賭我們會在法庭上看到其中一個。搞不好就是嘴不嚴實的那種。”

We both laughed and sipped our wine.

我們都笑了，喝了口紅酒。

Beka is my boyfriend’s wife, and the girls are their children. I met her husband, Josh, the summer before, on Mother’s Day, which coincided with their 12th wedding anniversary. Beka had shooed him out of the house to host a mother-daughter tea, and he appeared in the seat next to me at a neighborhood bar.

貝卡是我男朋友的妻子，兩個女孩是他倆的孩子。去年夏天的母親節(jié)那天，我遇到了她的丈夫喬希(Josh)，當時恰逢他倆的結(jié)婚12周年紀念日。貝卡把他趕出家門，自己在家主持一個母女茶會。在我家附近的酒吧里，他出現(xiàn)在我身邊的座位上。

He says it was love at first sight, while I thought he was just another sexy married guy — strictly off limits.

他說他對我一見鐘情，而我覺得他只是又一個性感的已婚男人——這種人絕不能碰。

Over the next two months, as I cycled in and out of tumultuous relationships, he kept popping up. Occasionally we would wave across a coffee shop or exchange a few words on the street. One day he took a seat next to me at another bar, where we joined in the happy-hour conversation about politics and sex.

接下來的兩個月里，我接連在幾段激烈的感情中進進出出，而他不時冒出來。我們偶爾會在一家咖啡店里打招呼，或者在街頭聊兩句。有一天，在另一個酒吧里，他來到我身邊坐下，我們參與了一場關(guān)于政治和性愛的“歡樂時光”談話。

When he left to pick up his children, I wasn’t surprised when he said, “Can I see you again?”

準備離開去接孩子時，他說：“我們能再見面嗎?”

I thought: “Just another creep trying to fool around behind his wife’s back.” But I agreed to meet him again, mostly because it was easier than explaining why I wouldn’t and because I was certain I would never have an affair with him.

我想：“又一個背著老婆蠢蠢欲動的惡心家伙。”但我同意再次見面，主要是因為這比解釋為什么我不愿見面來得容易，而且我確信自己永遠不會和他搞外遇。

I was wrong about Josh. He wasn’t a creep or even a cheater. He was a man who loved his children more than anything. Josh and Beka were a powerhouse couple — affluent, attractive, highly educated, generous — and the backbone of upper-middle-class respectability developing in my bohemian neighborhood.

我看錯了喬希。他不是什么惡心家伙，也不是什么騙子。他是一個最愛自己孩子的人。喬希和貝卡是天生一對，他們富有、迷人、受過高等教育、慷慨大方——在我生活的這個波西米亞街區(qū)中，中上階層的體面人士愈來愈多，他倆正是這個階層的中堅。

They had married in their 20s because they got along, had a lot in common (both are lawyers) and the timing was right; many of their friends were tying the knot. Twelve years in, their marriage seemed to be compatible and right. But it was a union of practicality more than passion, and Josh was miserable. He didn’t think he had any right to be miserable, but he was.

他們在二十多歲時結(jié)了婚，因為他們相處得很好，有很多共同點(都是律師)，而且時機正合適;他們身邊的很多朋友都結(jié)了婚。十二年來，他們的婚姻似乎是和睦的、正確的。但是，他們的結(jié)合是建立在實際的基礎(chǔ)上，而不是出于激情，喬希很痛苦。他覺得自己沒有權(quán)利痛苦，但他確實痛苦。

I didn’t understand why Josh was willing to break apart everything he had to be with someone like me. I was a struggling academic recovering from a messy divorce, deliberately childless at 40. My devotion to my students and my love for my dogs served as a stand-in for stable and nurturing human relationships.

我不明白為什么喬希愿意離開自己所擁有的一切，只為和我這樣的人在一起。我是一個苦苦奮斗的大學教師，正從混亂的離婚中恢復過來，選擇到了40歲還沒要孩子。在我的生活中，對學生的關(guān)注和對家狗們的愛取代了穩(wěn)定溫暖的人際關(guān)系。

After many years of struggle, I recently had learned I had bipolar II disorder, which meant I finally had the right medicine. But I was wrestling with shame as I realized how many of my spectacularly bad decisions had been influenced by mental illness. I had to learn how to trust others and myself, and at times it felt like I would never get there.

經(jīng)過多年斗爭，最近我才發(fā)現(xiàn)自己患有乙型雙相情緒障礙，這意味著我終于有了正確的藥可以服用。但是我意識到，自己有太多糟糕的決定都是因為受到精神疾病的影響，羞愧之情簡直令我難以承受。我必須學習如何相信別人和我自己，有時我感覺自己永遠都做不到。

Josh said he liked me simply because he did. “I am married to a wonderful, successful, beautiful woman,” he said. “By any calculation, I should be happy. But I’m not, so I have decided that I am not going to calculate anymore.”

喬什說他喜歡我就是因為喜歡我。“我娶了一個優(yōu)秀、成功、美麗的女人，”他說。“從任何角度估算，我都應該感到高興。但我并不高興，所以我決定不再算了。”

As we spent more time together, everything about our relationship felt natural. There was no imbalance in our love for one another, and we shared the same values and sense of humor. It turns out that Josh’s refusal to calculate — and my distrust in my ability to calculate — led us to the best decision of our lives: to do what it would take to be together. But that meant inflicting undeserved pain on others.

我們在一起度過了更多時間，兩人之間的一切都是自然而然的。我們之間的愛情沒有任何不平衡的感覺，我們也擁有同樣的價值觀和幽默感。事實證明，喬希拒絕估算——以及我對自己估算能力的不信任——導致我們做出了生命中最好的決定：不計任何代價也要在一起。但這意味著給別人造成不應有的痛苦。

On a sticky Sunday in August, when Josh and Beka’s children were staying with his mother, he asked her for a divorce. At first she refused to believe he was serious. Then she grew so angry that she shook.

在8月一個悶熱的星期天，喬希和貝卡的孩子們?nèi)ツ棠棠抢锪耍岢隽穗x婚。起初，她不相信他是認真的。而后她變得非常生氣，渾身顫抖。

A visibly upset Josh met me after she told him to leave the house. He was ashamed, relieved and almost physically sick with sorrow.

貝卡把喬希趕了家門，他來找我，顯然非常難過。他感到羞愧，又覺得如釋重負，同時也因為悲傷而幾乎覺得身體上生病了。

“I could handle her anger,” he said. “And I agreed with everything she said. It’s unthinkable for me to dismantle all we’ve built. But I fell apart when she started to cry. She put her head on my chest while she cried. I’ve never felt so horrible in my life.”

“我可以應對她的憤怒，”他說。“我同意她說的一切。毀掉我們建立起來的一切對我來說是無法想像的。但她一哭，我就崩潰了。她把頭靠在我胸口上哭。我從來沒覺得這么難受過。”

About a month later, he told Beka about me. This time, her anger was not tinged by sorrow; she was furious. After hours of shouting, however, she began to feel better than she had since Josh first mentioned divorce.

大約一個月后，他告訴了貝卡我的事。這一次，她的憤怒并沒有因為悲傷而減輕，她十分憤怒。不過，經(jīng)過幾個小時的喊叫之后，她開始覺得比喬希第一次提出離婚時好一些了。

“It makes more sense for the divorce to be about another woman,” he said. “Many of our friends are going through divorces for the same reason. And I’ll admit, she felt a lot better when I told her you’re four years older than she is. She assumed you would be about 25.”

“因為第三者而離婚更說得過去，”他說。“我們的很多朋友都是因為同樣的原因離婚的。我必須承認，當我告訴她你比她大四歲時，她感覺好多了。她以為你只有25歲左右。”

Then Beka surprised us both. Through Josh, she invited me to dinner.

然后，貝卡做了一件讓我們倆都感到意外的事。她通過喬希邀請我共進晚餐。

“What?” I said. “Seriously? How is that going to work?” I didn’t see how a dinner could be pulled off without the whole thing erupting in open conflict or stalling into awkward silence. But, again, I was wrong.

“什么?”我說，“不會吧?那怎么行呢?”我覺得我們的晚餐一定會演變成公開沖突，或者陷入尷尬的沉默。但是，我又錯了。

“I had to meet you,” Beka said as she opened the door. “Josh wants you to meet our girls, but I need to get to know you first.”

“我必須跟你見面，”貝卡開門時說。“喬希想讓你見見我們的女兒們，但我得先了解你。”

Her smile seemed genuine, her eyes kind. She was small and beautiful, somehow elegant in casual shorts. Although I am short as well, I felt huge and ungainly next to her.

她的微笑似乎是真誠的，她的眼神是友好的。她嬌小美麗，穿著休閑短褲依然透著幾分優(yōu)雅。雖然我也很矮，但在她身邊，我覺得自己高大笨拙。

Josh was practically disabled by anxiety during that three-hour dinner. As Beka and I got to know each other, he drank nonstop. But Beka made sure I felt totally at ease. Our conversation ranged from trivial matters and uproarious stories about neighborhood matters to serious acknowledgment of our unusual situation.

在那三個小時的晚餐中，喬希因為焦慮而六神無主。在我和貝卡了解彼此時，他不停地喝酒。但貝卡確保我完全放松。我們既談到瑣碎的小事和滑稽的鄰里故事，也嚴肅地承認我們面臨的情況很特殊。

After we all had hugged good night, I thought, “This won’t last.” I braced myself for the wrath to come, but it never materialized. Instead, Beka introduced me to their adorable children, and my immediate bond with them made me silently rejoice that I didn’t have children of my own. It was as if I had been saving my maternal love for Rose and Alice, who were then 7 and 3.

在我們擁抱、互道晚安后，我心想：“這不會持續(xù)太久。”我等著憤怒到來，但它一直沒有出現(xiàn)。相反，貝卡把我介紹給了他們可愛的孩子，我和她們立刻產(chǎn)生了感情，這讓我暗自慶幸自己沒生孩子。好像我把母愛都留給了羅絲(Rose)和愛麗絲(Alice)，當時她們分別7歲和3歲。

One day they brought tears to my eyes when, after a raucous game of me holding them upside down and tickling them, we snuggled on the couch to watch a movie.

有一天，她們讓我熱淚盈眶。我抱著她們翻跟頭，撓癢癢。熱鬧的游戲之后，我們依偎在沙發(fā)上看電影。

“I love you,” Rose whispered. “I’m so glad you’re part of my family.”

“我愛你，”羅絲小聲說，“我很高興你是我們家庭的一員。”

Beka was the one who worked the hardest to make me part of the family. She invited me to birthday parties and smoothed the socially turbulent waters by introducing me to friends who had been indignant on her behalf. Afterward, we giggled at the shocked faces people made when they met me.

貝卡是那個最努力讓我成為這個家庭一員的人。她邀請我參加生日聚會，把我介紹給那些為她感到不平的朋友們，理順混亂的社交關(guān)系。后來，回想起人們見到我時震驚的臉龐，我們會忍不住咯咯大笑。

When Josh moved out of their house into a duplex, we had family dinners and celebrated holidays together to ease the transition for the girls. While friends and family shook their heads in bafflement, we forged our relationship based on mutual respect, empathy and an overpowering love for those two beautiful children.

喬希從他們的房子里搬出來，搬到了一個復式公寓里。我們共進家庭晚餐，一起慶祝節(jié)日，幫助兩個孩子平穩(wěn)過渡。朋友和家人都困惑地搖頭，而我們基于相互尊重、同理心以及對那兩個漂亮孩子強烈的愛，彼此建立了友誼。

The one thing I don’t know, and may never know, is whether our bond is genuine affection on Beka’s part or the result of her sheer will to make this work, to avoid falling prey to bitterness, to refuse to be a victim.

我現(xiàn)在不知道、而且可能永遠也不會知道的是，貝卡跟我做朋友是真的因為喜歡我，還是僅僅為了能讓這種局面維持下去，避免成為痛苦的犧牲品，拒絕成為受害者。

It isn’t my place to ask such a thing, and ultimately it doesn’t matter.

我沒資格問這個問題，它最終也變得無關(guān)緊要。

I am in awe of the grace and maturity she has displayed throughout what I suspect is the most traumatic event of her life. She even liked this essay, telling me after reading it: “I’m so glad you get it. I wish more divorces ended up like this. It’s better for the kids and the parents.”

我很敬佩她在這件可能是一生中最痛苦的事情中所表現(xiàn)出來的優(yōu)雅和成熟。她甚至很喜歡這篇文章，讀完后對我說：“我很高興你能明白。我希望更多的離婚能有這樣的結(jié)局。這對孩子和父母都好。”

I have silently mourned with her, though I suspect she wouldn’t appreciate that. She never breathes a word of anger or resentment to her children, and they have never reproached their father or me for the immeasurable disruption we have caused to their lives. She and Josh and I have done everything we can to shield them from the anger and damage so common in divorce.

我默默地為她感到傷心，盡管我覺得她并不會為此感激我。她從來沒向孩子們表達過憤怒或怨恨，孩子們也從來沒有因為我和她們的父親對她們的生活造成的不可估量的破壞責怪我們。她、喬希和我竭盡全力，保護她們免受離婚通常會帶來的憤怒和傷害。

Every now and again when I have thanked Beka for an invitation to a family event or gone out to get medicine for a sick child in the middle of the night, she has texted me words of gratitude that I treasured even while feeling I didn’t deserve them.

每當我感謝貝卡邀請我參加家庭活動，或者我在深夜里為生病的孩子買藥時，她總是給我發(fā)短信表示感激，我很珍惜那些話，盡管我覺得自己不值得感激。

“The girls adore you,” she wrote. “And you truly treat them like they’re your own. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

“兩個小姑娘都很喜歡你，”她寫道，“你真的待她們像親生女兒一樣。你不知道這對我有多么重要。”

And I can’t tell her how much this family we all have forged means to me.

她也不知道，我們共同組建的這個家對我來說多么重要。