《四季隨筆》節(jié)選 - 秋 05

《四季隨筆》是吉辛的散文代表作。其中對隱士賴克羅夫特醉心于書籍、自然景色與回憶過去生活的描述，其實是吉辛的自述，作者以此來抒發(fā)自己的情感，因而本書是一部富有自傳色彩的小品文集。

吉辛窮困的一生，對文學名著的愛好與追求，以及對大自然恬靜生活的向往，在書中均有充分的反映。本書分為春、夏、秋、冬四個部分，文筆優(yōu)美，行文流暢，是英國文學中小品文的珍品之一。

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A long time since I wrote in this book. In September I caught a cold, which meant three weeks' illness.

好久沒提筆在這本書里寫點什么了。九月份，我感冒了，病了整整三個星期。

I have not been suffering; merely feverish and weak and unable to use my mind for anything but a daily hour or two of the lightest reading. The weather has not favoured my recovery, wet winds often blowing, and not much sun. Lying in bed, I have watched the sky, studied the clouds, which—so long as they are clouds indeed, and not a mere waste of grey vapour—always have their beauty. Inability to read has always been my horror; once, a trouble of the eyes all but drove me mad with fear of blindness; but I find that in my present circumstances, in my own still house, with no intrusion to be dreaded, with no task or care to worry me, I can fleet the time not unpleasantly even without help of books. Reverie, unknown to me in the days of bondage, has brought me solace; I hope it has a little advanced me in wisdom.

我并不難受，就是有些發(fā)燒，身體虛弱，每天只能看一兩個小時的閑書，此外頭腦再無力承受任何活動。天氣對我的康復沒有幫助，潮濕的風常常刮起，陽光也很少。我躺在床上，凝視天空，觀察云彩——只要它們還是云彩，不變成一坨灰色水汽——就總是有其美麗之處。無法讀書一直是我恐懼的事情，曾有一次，我患了眼疾，對失明的恐懼幾乎把我逼瘋了。但我發(fā)現(xiàn)，就我現(xiàn)在的情形，在安靜的房間里，不虞侵擾，沒有什么工作和煩心事讓我擔憂，即使沒有書的幫助，我也可以愉快地消磨時間。在為生計所困的昔日我沒有幻想，如今它給我?guī)砹税参浚杆苁刮衣詾槁斆饕恍?/p>

For not, surely, by deliberate effort of thought does a man grow wise. The truths of life are not discovered by us. At moments unforeseen, some gracious influence descends upon the soul, touching it to an emotion which, we know not how, the mind transmutes into thought. This can happen only in a calm of the senses, a surrender of the whole being to passionless contemplation. I understand, now, the intellectual mood of the quietist.

當然，一個人不是靠刻意的苦思冥想才變得睿智，生活的真相不是被我們發(fā)現(xiàn)的。在無法預見的時刻，某種高尚的靈感降臨至靈魂，使之激動，不知怎么地，頭腦就將它變成了思想。這只有在所有感官都平靜下來，整個人完全陷入一種忘情的冥思中時，才會發(fā)生?，F(xiàn)在我了解寂靜主義者的精神境界是怎樣的了。

Of course my good housekeeper has tended me perfectly, with the minimum of needless talk. Wonderful woman!

當然，我的好管家把我照顧得無微不至，把無用的談話減至最少。多好的女人！

If the evidence of a well-spent life is necessarily seen in "honour, love, obedience, troops of friends," mine, it is clear, has fallen short of a moderate ideal. Friends I have had, and have; but very few. Honour and obedience—why, by a stretch, Mrs. M-may perchance represent these blessings. As for love—?

如果完滿人生必須要體現(xiàn)在“榮耀、愛、服從和許多朋友”中，那我的生活顯然連中等理想都夠不上。朋友我曾經(jīng)有過，現(xiàn)在也還有，但是數(shù)量很少。榮耀和服從，也許M夫人勉強可以代表這些吧。但是愛呢？

Let me tell myself the truth. Do I really believe that at any time of my life I have been the kind of man who merits affection? I think not. I have always been much too self-absorbed; too critical of all about me; too unreasonably proud. Such men as I live and die alone, however much in appearance accompanied. I do not repine at it; nay, lying day after day in solitude and silence, I have felt glad that it was so. At least I give no one trouble, and that is much. Most solemnly do I hope that in the latter days no long illness awaits me. May I pass quickly from this life of quiet enjoyment to the final peace. So shall no one think of me with pained sympathy or with weariness. One—two—even three may possibly feel regret, come the end how it may, but I do not flatter myself that to them I am more than an object of kindly thought at long intervals. It is enough; it signifies that I have not erred wholly. And when I think that my daily life testifies to an act of kindness such as I could never have dreamt of meriting from the man who performed it, may I not be much more than content?

讓我對自己坦白吧。我一生中何曾相信過自己是那種值得愛情眷顧的人？我對此不以為然。我一直都太專注于自身，對周圍的一切太苛刻，又過分自負。像我這樣的人，不管表面上有多少同伴，都將寂寞地生，孤獨地死。我并不感到悲哀；不，日復一日地在孤獨和寂靜中躺著，我感到高興。至少我沒給任何人找麻煩，這就足夠了。我無比鄭重地祈望自己在以后的日子里不會受到疾病的長期困擾。希望我能夠很快地從目前這種安靜愉快的生活過渡到最終的平靜。這樣，沒有人會在想起我時帶了痛苦的同情或者是厭煩。一個——兩個——甚至三個人可能會感到遺憾，不管怎樣罷，我都會清楚地認識到，對于他們來說，我很清楚自己不過是間隔很長時間后他們好意想起的對象罷了。這就足夠了，它表示我沒有全盤犯錯。然而，我目前的生活即是一種慈善行為的見證，而我做夢都想不到自己配接受那位施主的善舉，想到這些，我不是要大感滿足嗎？