老友記第四季The One With Joey Dirty Day

好吧，這是什么？ 咯咯叫的蟲(chóng)子。 那這個(gè)呢？ 呵呵傻笑的螢火蟲(chóng)。 你太搞笑了。 嗨，這個(gè)是什么？ 哦，去年剩下來(lái)的三明治。 哦，Geller有魚(yú)上鉤了，看起來(lái)不小呀! Yeah，哦！哦！這場(chǎng)爭(zhēng)斗，是典型的，人和...... 有人把臺(tái)燈撞到了。 無(wú)所謂了。 嗨，你們知道今年釣魚(yú)好在那兒么？ 當(dāng)老爸把我從湖中心救出來(lái)，問(wèn)我： “Joey，你這輩子要怎么辦呀？”的時(shí)候，我可以說(shuō)： “我正和Charlton Heston拍電影呢，你這輩子呢？” 說(shuō)得好！ 你們沒(méi)必要因?yàn)槲襾?lái)，就不繼續(xù)開(kāi)心了， Kathy并沒(méi)有欺騙你們?。?好吧，除了你！ 嗨，Joey，我覺(jué)得你不該讓Chandler一個(gè)人。 你想，他和Kathy分手才2天呀。 也許你可以下周去釣魚(yú)？ 可是，現(xiàn)在我什么忙都幫不上。 他還是傷心欲絕，這才是第一階段呢。 等到第二階段的時(shí)候我就回來(lái)了， 我永遠(yuǎn)也不會(huì)錯(cuò)過(guò)第二階段的。 第二階段是什么？ 喝的爛醉，然后去看脫衣舞。 看脫衣舞對(duì)他能有什么幫助？ 那里有好多裸體mm呀。 Oh! 而且還可以幫他到達(dá)第三階段， 幻想自己和別的女人在一起。 當(dāng)然是沒(méi)穿衣服的那種。 Yeah。 就讓我清靜一下，好么！？ 那，這些和上周你給我選的夾克配嗎？ Um-hmm，很好嘛，就是它了。 Oh! 你知道還缺什么嘛？ 手套，棕色的毛手套。 Oh，好吧，讓我瞧瞧你的手，尺寸多大？ 嗯，這只很大么，這個(gè)呢？ 也很大？ Yeah! 好吧，兩只大的馬上就來(lái)！ 好的。 Rachel! 你現(xiàn)在有空么？ 什么事？ 你瞧，我侄女剛從倫敦過(guò)來(lái)。說(shuō)來(lái)唐突，不過(guò)， 她正好和你一般大，我這里碰巧有歌劇《蝙蝠》的票， 不知道你今晚能不能陪她去看呢？ 當(dāng)然可以了，沒(méi)問(wèn)題！算我一個(gè)！ 《蝙蝠》，太好了！ 不過(guò)我得 ...... Ohh! 好的。 謝謝你，謝謝你，太感謝你了！ 好了么？ 什么？ 手套？ Ohh! 對(duì)了，對(duì)了，我馬上回來(lái)。 Uhh，其實(shí)我得走了。 Oh。 不過(guò)，不知道你今晚有空么？ 有，當(dāng)然有了！ 我投資了一家夜總會(huì)，它今晚開(kāi)業(yè)，你想去看看么？ 當(dāng)然了! 那太好了！ 你S&M的狂熱分子吧？ 其實(shí)，我...... 開(kāi)玩笑的！我會(huì)早些到， 然后把你列到V。I。P名單上，記得找我！ Yeah，好啊，那當(dāng)然了！ 那晚上見(jiàn)了。 我差點(diǎn)兒忘了給你票，是吧？ 什么？ 你和Emily，今晚《蝙蝠》的票。 Oh，是的。 你們肯定會(huì)喜歡的，“三高”之二都有出場(chǎng)。 哦，是么？ 真不敢相信，Kathy會(huì)這么對(duì)我。 我把她當(dāng)作是自己今生的唯一伴侶。 好吧，算了，從現(xiàn)在開(kāi)始， 我再也不會(huì)離開(kāi)這張椅子了！ 從現(xiàn)在開(kāi)始，這椅子就是我的唯一！ 你們知道還有什么也是么？我的運(yùn)動(dòng)褲。 別這樣，老兄！把褲子脫下來(lái)好么？ 快脫吧，我們來(lái)樂(lè)一樂(lè)！ Hey-hey! Hi! Hey! 抓到大魚(yú)了么？ 哦，天呀，你們肯定不信。 Oh! 天呀！你好臭呀！你這是怎么了？ 整整三天，待在湖上沒(méi)洗過(guò)澡， 而且，還摔倒放誘餌的盆子里去了。 嗨，他怎么樣了？ 他已經(jīng)兩天沒(méi)離開(kāi)過(guò)那張椅子了。 嗨，哥們，怎么了？ 嗨，看見(jiàn)了么! 他在等兄弟我回來(lái)呢。 好了，我要去記我的臺(tái)詞了。 我和Charlton Heston 明兒一大清早！ Yeah-yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey， Monica! Uh-oh， 怎么了？ Ohh，Joshua 邀請(qǐng)我今晚去一家剛開(kāi)業(yè)的高級(jí)夜總會(huì)。 可我答應(yīng)了Waltham先生，帶他侄女去看什么破歌劇。唉，我能怎么辦呢？ 我也不知道，親愛(ài)的。 不！幫幫我！ 不行??！我要工作！ Phoebe? 我倒是愿意，不過(guò)我晚上有妊娠反應(yīng)。 除非！她想整晚都過(guò)不安生。 Ohh，天哪，你們......我必須去見(jiàn)Joshua， 這是讓他看到我令人開(kāi)心一面的唯一機(jī)會(huì)。 也許，他會(huì)想：“要是Rachel是我老婆該多好呀！” Ohh，算了！ Joey 和 Chandler還沒(méi)回來(lái)么？ 沒(méi)有，Chandler還在他的第一階段， Joey身上的味道你總該聞見(jiàn)了吧？ Ohh! Ohh! Hi! Hi! 那你呢...... 不行。 Ohhhh， 幫幫忙！ 可能是她來(lái)了。 別！等等！等等！Ross， 求求你了！ 你想讓我?guī)€(gè)素未謀面的女孩去看歌劇， 而你，卻可以去夜總會(huì)和別的男人調(diào)情，Hmm， 這確實(shí)有點(diǎn)兒難決斷。 Ohh， 她在四處張望。 Oh! 她正在看我！ 等等，這洞從外面看不進(jìn)來(lái)，是吧？ Hello! Hello! 我馬上就出來(lái)！ Ross， 求求你，幫幫忙吧！ 我們之間的事，都過(guò)去了， 現(xiàn)在因該為了對(duì)方的幸福而感到高興才是。 難道只是我這樣想么？ 好吧，我答應(yīng)你。 謝謝！Emily? 我是！ 我是Rachel Green。 謝天謝地。 原本的計(jì)劃有點(diǎn)兒小小的變化， 我今晚突然有事，所以...... 是么？那真是太巧了，不是么？ 我肯定錯(cuò)過(guò)你的電話了，盡管我一整天都沒(méi)離開(kāi)過(guò)半步。 Oh 不，其實(shí)我。。。。。 不不不，你還算好啦！ 我這一路上，差點(diǎn)兒被你們運(yùn)灌腸的大車(chē)撞倒， 還在約翰 F?？夏岬蠙C(jī)場(chǎng)被人脫衣服搜身， 對(duì)你們這里的人來(lái)說(shuō)， 我就像是過(guò)街老鼠一樣，人人喊打。 我-我-我覺(jué)得你還好呀。 再見(jiàn)！真是高興，能認(rèn)識(shí)你們。 我去追她。 那還不去？ 她們說(shuō)話的方式真好玩。 Ohh! 怎么了？ 踢我了，孩子踢我了！ 噢，上帝呀！ Oh 不，等等，糟糕，我內(nèi)褲的松緊斷了。 天哪，我睡過(guò)頭了！ 半小時(shí)前就要到場(chǎng)的，我該走了！ 等等，Joey， 你不能這樣就出去吧？臭死了！ 沒(méi)辦法啊，我還沒(méi)洗澡就睡著了，現(xiàn)在也沒(méi)時(shí)間了。 布景地只有10個(gè)街區(qū)遠(yuǎn)，我跑著去，或許還能趕上。 那是，跑10個(gè)街區(qū)，你的臭味就沒(méi)了。 嘿！你，慢點(diǎn)。 算了，快跑！ Wow! 昨晚和Joshua玩得怎樣呀？ 唉，我根本就沒(méi)見(jiàn)到Joshua， 不過(guò)，我倒是給了個(gè)女的臉上一拳。 什么？ 為什么？ 昨晚糟糕透了，傾盆大雨，當(dāng)我到的時(shí)候， 名單上沒(méi)有Rachel Green， 只有Rachel Greep。 Ohh! 那你見(jiàn)到她了么？ 沒(méi)有，根本就沒(méi)有Rachel Greep， 可是有個(gè)女的聽(tīng)到了，她大聲嚷嚷到： “我就是Rachel Greep! 我就是Rachel Greep!” 然后他們就讓她進(jìn)去了。 然后你就朝她臉上打了一拳？ 沒(méi)有，她已經(jīng)進(jìn)去了， 可是我后面那個(gè)肥娘們想偷我的傘，被我一拳揍在臉上。 Ohhh! 真不敢相信，我只是想在下班后見(jiàn)見(jiàn)Joshua。 他可以和我走得更近，然后開(kāi)始喜歡上我。 噢， Pheebs。。 親愛(ài)的，那是你的名字。 那是Phoebe的簡(jiǎn)稱(chēng)么？ 我一直以為我們用它來(lái)稱(chēng)呼彼此。 嘿！你穿上外褲了？ 是的，男人們都到哪里去了？ 我已經(jīng)做好喝醉的準(zhǔn)備，去看脫衣舞。 可現(xiàn)在是早上9：30呀！ 他們那里有自助早餐的。 你好，Oh，你好Ross! Ooh， 讓我和他講話！ Oh-oh，天呀！ 能不能讓我。。。。。 噓！等會(huì)兒，什么？ 她噓我，這是我的電話，她還噓我！ 噓！別說(shuō)話！他說(shuō)什么？ 他和Emily在佛莫特州的一個(gè)旅館。 什么？哦，天哪！ 什么？Emily是誰(shuí)？不。。。。。 他們?cè)诜鹉? 怎么會(huì)這樣？ 嗷！ 怎么會(huì)？他怎么會(huì)在佛莫特和那個(gè)妖精胡搞？ 也許，她沒(méi)有一直打他。 我們初次見(jiàn)她的時(shí)候，她渾身濕透了， 腳也是濕的，誰(shuí)能比她更可憐？ 可當(dāng)我給她換了雙鞋之后， 她完全變了個(gè)人。 Ross! 快來(lái)看！外面有支鹿在吃果園里的水果呢。 我要掛了，外面有支鹿在吃果園里的水果。 他掛了，說(shuō)：“外面有支鹿在吃果園里的水果?！?真想不通! 她那么討厭！ 好吧，我站到那邊去。 你這么在意干嘛？ 我才不在意呢。我只是有點(diǎn)兒心煩， 因?yàn)槲液蚃oshua還什么都不是。 不過(guò)，這也太過(guò)分了。 剛認(rèn)識(shí)，就和別人飛到佛莫特去鬼混。 可是，你剛認(rèn)識(shí)Barry的時(shí)候，還不是飛到Vail去了。 Oh，你能不能，就偶爾一次， 不記得這些瑣。。。屑。。。小事？ 你知道他什么時(shí)候回來(lái)么？ 幾天后吧。 我就料到會(huì)有這種事情發(fā)生的。 你干嘛？Chandler，你不能再退回到第一階段！ 我當(dāng)然可以，你說(shuō)的是時(shí)間，你不能讓時(shí)光倒流。 你為什么不，不繼續(xù)你的第二階段， 和我們一起去看脫衣舞表演呢？ 是呀，來(lái)吧，我們可以扮男的。 不，你們不行。 怎么了，不就是扮男的嘛， 也許我們本來(lái)就想當(dāng)男的呢！ 你們不會(huì)想當(dāng)男的，男人渾身都是毛，而且活不長(zhǎng)。 你，你別再唧唧歪歪了， 脫掉它，然后我們一起去看裸女跳舞。 好吧。 對(duì)不起。 嗨！ Joey Tribbiani! 我來(lái)了！我來(lái)了！ 鎮(zhèn)定一下，還有時(shí)間，我們開(kāi)始地遲了一些。 瞧哪兒，Charlton Heston 在吃甘草梗。 恩，他很喜歡吃的，我從沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)他...... 哇！這兒怎么了？什么味道這么難聞？ 你呀！ 我明白你為什么這么想， 不過(guò)，你知道實(shí)際上我怎么想的嗎？ 不是你么？ 不 - 不是，其實(shí)上是，是Heston。 什么？ 就是他身上的，聞起來(lái)像是去釣了三天的魚(yú)， 然后又吃了那么多甘草梗。 不可能是他呀，他剛從更衣室里洗了澡出來(lái)。 是么？洗過(guò)澡了？嗯，是哪個(gè)房間來(lái)著？ 門(mén)上寫(xiě)著“Heston”的那間。 是么...... 嗨，我這里有些一美元的紙幣， 你想把它們放到她的三角褲里么？ 不用了，謝謝，老媽?zhuān)?Oh，別，那個(gè)，你得把煙掐掉，因?yàn)槲覒言辛恕?那你和你的孩子該到別的脫衣舞夜總會(huì)去了。 呵-呵，這不是我的孩子，呵-呵-呵！ 很好，很好。 我很喜歡，表演的非常棒。 我剛查了留言，Joshua沒(méi)打電話過(guò)來(lái)。 難道我沒(méi)去他的夜總會(huì)，他一點(diǎn)兒都不擔(dān)心么？ 哦，更糟的是，Ross 卻還在佛莫特逍遙快活！ 別煩了，看看你們現(xiàn)在在那里！ 麻煩給我們每人一杯雞尾酒。 別忘了，我還要個(gè)處男。 Oh! 走之前別忘了告訴我地毯旁邊那個(gè)帥哥的名字。 哦，算了吧，我這就回家給Kathy打電話。 如果你覺(jué)得會(huì)有幫助的話。 不，我只是試試。幾小時(shí)后我就會(huì)爛醉如泥， 也許會(huì)給Kathy打電話，你們可一定要阻止我呀。 然后，如果我醉的一塌糊涂了， 說(shuō)不定還會(huì)打電話給Janice的。 你確實(shí)該打了！她現(xiàn)在怎么樣？ Ohhh!! 我想有人肯定會(huì)覺(jué)得表演還不夠過(guò)癮。 Hello！誰(shuí)在里面？ 你好！ 你到底是誰(shuí)？ 如果我說(shuō)是Kurt Douglas，你肯定不信，是吧？ 穿上褲子，我要踢你屁股。 別-別-別，等一下，你瞧，我是個(gè)演員。 Joey Tribbiani，我今天和你配戲，可我太臭了...... 你也有戲？ 是，戲里你的倔脾氣得罪了所有警察，我演警察甲 對(duì)不起，實(shí)在對(duì)不起，我太臭了。 Joey， 是吧？ 是的。 每個(gè)演員總有時(shí)候會(huì) ......噢！ 會(huì)覺(jué)得自己很臭，就算是Lawrence Oliver也一樣， Bob Redford甚至都不敢正眼瞧自個(gè)兒。 噢，不-不-不，你沒(méi)明白我...... 聽(tīng)我說(shuō)！ 好的，好的。 我就不相信任何一個(gè)稱(chēng)職的演員， 在他整個(gè)事業(yè)期里就從沒(méi)說(shuō)過(guò)：“天哪，我太臭了！” 我剛在外面演了一場(chǎng)戲，還不是弄得一團(tuán)糟。 可是，最重要的是你要記住的， 不管你覺(jué)得自己有多臭， 永遠(yuǎn)也別闖到我的更衣室來(lái)，用我的淋??！ 你聽(tīng)明白了么？ 是的，是的，我這就。。。。。 慢著，拿上你的褲子。 好的，好的。 我們?cè)诿撘挛枰箍倳?huì)表現(xiàn)得不錯(cuò)吧？ Oh 是的，很好，謝謝你們！ 那里最性感的雞尾酒女招待都想辭職去教三年級(jí)了。 真不敢相信，他還沒(méi)打電話過(guò)來(lái)。 誰(shuí)？Josh? 是Joshua。。 他不喜歡被人開(kāi)玩笑么? 不，是我不喜歡! 好吧，我去穿回我的運(yùn)動(dòng)服。 Oh 別！等一下，好吧，你是對(duì)的，我們扮不好男人， 可你知道為什么嗎？因?yàn)槲覀兪桥恕?Yeah? 那你知道女人最擅長(zhǎng)什么嗎？ 跳脫衣舞！ 不，是傾聽(tīng)！坐下來(lái)！ 也許只要你說(shuō)出來(lái)，就會(huì)很有幫助的。 是呀，說(shuō)吧，你心里都在想些什么？ 當(dāng)然了，如果你想哭的話，也沒(méi)問(wèn)題的。 好了，也許我該讓你們都離開(kāi)一會(huì)兒。 別這樣，Chandler! 哦，算了吧，我們努力過(guò)了，第三階段注定無(wú)法實(shí)現(xiàn)。 那些脫衣女郎都野性十足， 可我就是無(wú)法幻想自己和她們中的任何一個(gè)。 她們真的很漂亮，不是么？ Oh! 哪個(gè)？ Yeah，我最喜歡那個(gè)救火籠駕駛員。 Oh，Candy! 她火花四射！ Yeah。 如果，我們想和女人在一起的話， 那，那一定要找像Michelle一樣的， 她簡(jiǎn)直太，太姣美了。 是么？我到?jīng)]這么想，如果是我，我會(huì)選Chantal。 Oh，Chantal! 哦，上帝呀！ 她的皮膚好光滑呀！ 當(dāng)我把一美元塞到她G帶里面，手輕擦過(guò)她大腿的時(shí)候。。。。。 第三階段！我終于到了第三階段！ 是么？ 我現(xiàn)在滿(mǎn)腦子想的都是你們和那些女人們?cè)谝黄穑?可，那不是第三階段啊。 不過(guò)，我也在里面！ 哦，我們都在一起嗎，像個(gè)團(tuán)體似的？ 別說(shuō)了！你們殺掉我吧！ 我想我就要到達(dá)第四階段了！ Oh! 那是什么？那是什么呢？ 我什么關(guān)系都不想要！ 只想和那些脫衣女郎還有我的朋友們做愛(ài)！ 別這樣，讓我看看你的笑臉。 我高興不起來(lái)。 試一下！ 我想去脫衣舞夜總會(huì)！ 我知道，你有的是機(jī)會(huì)，我可以毫不夸張地說(shuō)， 外面有成千上萬(wàn)的女人等著和我胡搞呢。 是的，好吧。 嗨 嗨，你在佛蒙特過(guò)得如何？ Emily 簡(jiǎn)直是。。。。。難以置信， 我是說(shuō)好得無(wú)法形容，整個(gè)周末就像一場(chǎng)夢(mèng)。 Oh! 還有你，Rach! Oh， 嗨! 嗨! 你說(shuō)得太對(duì)了！ 什么？ 你說(shuō)的，我們因該為彼此的幸福而高興才是。 我是說(shuō)，我，我得承認(rèn)開(kāi)始并沒(méi)有這樣想。 因?yàn)橐幌氲侥愫湍莻€(gè)叫Josh的小子。。。。 Joshua。 叫Joshua的小子在夜總會(huì)， 跳舞樂(lè)逍遙，那種感覺(jué)有點(diǎn)兒。。。。你懂么？ 是的，我。。。 可是現(xiàn)在！我完全想通了！我現(xiàn)在和你想法一樣！ 噢，謝天謝地！ 還要，謝謝你讓我認(rèn)識(shí)Emily。 Oh，沒(méi)什么，我很高興我能幫上忙，也為你高興！ 為你高興！ 不！為你高興！ 好吧，女士們，我們馬上將要做的是。。。 你來(lái)脫掉我的衣服， 你們兩個(gè)去把涂油拿來(lái)。 你們只要用最大的聲音不停地叫： “Chandler吾王！Chandler吾王！” 我，我想和她在一起，我喜歡她。 Oh，好吧！按本能自由選擇，自由選擇。 等一會(huì)兒，我要干什么來(lái)著？ 拜托！你能不能專(zhuān)心一點(diǎn)兒，我隨時(shí)都有可能夢(mèng)醒！ Hi，我是Joshua，我來(lái)接Rachel。 不-不-不，他不是Joshua。 我又沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)他，管他的呢，Rachel， 不好意思你得走了，我們其它的人還有好多要干呢！ 你干嘛？好吧，聽(tīng)著，我要醒了！

The One With Joey’s Dirty Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]

Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?

Joey: Guggly worm.

Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?

Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.

Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.

Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s this?

Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)

Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.

Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"

All: Great!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)

Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)

Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?

Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.

Monica: What’s Phase Two?

Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.

Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?

Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.

Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.

Ross: There are naked ladies there too.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]

Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?

Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.

Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.)

Joshua: Also large?

Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!

Joshua: Okay.

Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening?

Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!

Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.

Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.)

Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.

Joshua: So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")

Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)

Joshua: Gloves?

Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!

Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?

Rachel: No! Nothing!

Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come?

Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!

Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right?

Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I…

Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.

Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!

Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?

Rachel: What?

Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.

Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.

Rachel: Oh yay!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.]

Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!

Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)

Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.

All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!

Monica: You stink!

Ross: Are you kidding?!

Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing?

Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.

Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going?

(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)

Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter?

Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do?

Monica: I don’t know sweetie.

Rachel: No! Help me!

Monica: I can’t! I have to work!

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.

Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?

Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell.

Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: So….

Ross: No.

Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: I think she’s here.

Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!

Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.

Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!

Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)

Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?

Ross: All right, I’ll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?

Emily: Yes.

Rachel: I’m Rachel Green.

Emily: Thank goodness.

Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So…

Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day.

Rachel: Oh well, no I…

Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.

Monica: I-I-I think you look great.

Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)

(Pause)

Rachel: I’ll get her.

Ross: Please hurry.

Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: Ohh!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!

Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink!

Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.

Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell.

(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)

Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!

Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?

Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Why?

Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.

Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?

Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.

Monica: So you hit her in the face?

Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.

Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.

Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name.

Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)

Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants!

Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.

Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!

Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!

Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!

Monica: Oh-oh, my God!

Chandler: Well, can I just…

Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?

Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!

Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?

Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!

Phoebe: What? Oh my God!

Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]

Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.)

Chandler: Ow!

Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)

Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time.

[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]

Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.

Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!

Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)

[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]

Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.

Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)

Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?

Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!

Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.

Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!! (Storms out.)

Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?

Monica: A couple of days.

Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)

Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase!

Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time.

Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us.

Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!

Chandler: (laughs) No you can’t.

Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!

Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)

Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)

Phoebe: I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]

Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here!

The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.

(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)

Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!

The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with—(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)

Joey: (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?

The A.D: You.

Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?

The A.D: You?

Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston.

The A.D: What?

Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.

The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.

Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?

The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.

Joey: Interesting.

[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t enjoying himself.]

Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?

Chandler: No thanks, Mom!

(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)

Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause I’m pregnant.

The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.

Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)

(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)

Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot pants) so good.

Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.

Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!

Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!

Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.

Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.

Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.

Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m just gonna go home and call Kathy.

Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.

Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice

Phoebe: You should! How is she?

Chandler: Ohhh!!

Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)

[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]

Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)

Joey: How ya doin’?

Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?

Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?

Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.

Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.

Charlton Heston: (shocked) You’re in this picture?

Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink!

Charlton Heston: Joey, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another—opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even watch himself.

Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand…

Charlton Heston: Listen to me!

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.

Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!

Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m—(he starts to leave)

Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.

Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.]

Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?

Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!

Rachel: (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called.

Phoebe: Who, Josh?

Rachel: It’s Joshua.

Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh?

Rachel: No, I don’t.

Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on.

Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls.

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at?

Chandler: Stripping!

Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk.

Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)

Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.

Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave.

Monica: Come on! Chandler!

Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)

Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree)

Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.

Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.

Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal.

Monica: Oh, Chantal!

Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…

Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!

Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three.

Chandler: Well, I’m there too!

Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?

Chandler: Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!

Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?

Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.]

Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile.

Joey: I don’t wanna.

Chandler: Please?

Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!

Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.

Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont?

Ross: Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!

Rachel: Oh, hey!

Ross: Hey! You were so right!

Rachel: What?

Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.

Rachel: Oh, hmm.

Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy…

Rachel: Joshua.

Ross: Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda…y’know.

Rachel: Yeah, I…

Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are!

Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!

Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)

Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)

Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.]

Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!"

Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her.

Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.

Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again?

Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!

The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel.

Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua.

Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up!

END