GRE寫作滿分范文二十六

"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."

The technological tools we as a society have developed are not in themselves positive or negative, they are just that, tools. The uses, however, are definitely a different story. Computers, I believe at one time, were developed to save us time. Do our work more quickly for us so that we could have more leisure time to spend doing those things we enjoy. We have found now, especially those of us that are parents, that all of the leisure time we have gained is either spent watching our children learn things on the computer or creating our own unique something on the family computer. For one thing, it has become a very fun item, the computers have become more than just work related technological tools. The amount of human interaction is limited, because people in general are spending much of their leisure time doing solo on the computer. In the past, it was common for the new young exectutive to get a membership to the exercise club as a perk, where he could socialize with the upper crust. Now the new young exec. gets a car phone or a portable fax, so that he can work from whereever he is, usually doing that solo trip to somewhere. Given these as examples, I would tend to agree with the statement that lonliness has increased as a direct result.

Comments:

This response is limited in its analysis of the issue.

The writer clearly expresses the idea that "the technological tools we as a society have developed are not in themselves positive or negative." However, the response provides only limited support for the position. The two examples are loosely connected and undeveloped; for example, the relevance of the "young executive" example is not clear because there is no transition from the preceding example of the computer. The conclusion, one sentence long, simply restates the claim made in the topic.

The awkward sentences are evidence of a limited fluency. Greater use of compound sentences could help eliminate structural problems and facilitate the communication of ideas (e.g., sentences 3 and 4 could be combined).

For all of these reasons, this is not an adequate response. It received a score of 3.